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Do All Men Cheat?

Erin Davis

Erin Davis | 06.28.10
Twitter: @ErinGraffiti

43 comments

“Indiana Rep. Mark Souder Resigns After Affair With Staffer”
“Jesse James Asks for Forgiveness Amid Reports of Marital Woes”
“Tiger woods Admits, ‘I had affairs. I cheated.’”

These headlines are recent but men who cheat aren’t new news. For many years, I struggled with an intense fear that my husband would cheat. That fear was reinforced by a dad who cheated and tales of infidelity even among my Christian brothers and sisters.

Fear left unchecked can wreak all kinds of havoc on our hearts and lives. In my case, the fear that my man was destined to stray led me to be clingy, accusatory, anxious, and worried.

During that season I kept stumbling across verses like Romans 8:15 which states, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear but you received the Spirit of sonship” and 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” These verses made me want to deal with the fear that was gripping my heart (and my marriage), but I didn’t know how. The fear that my husband would cheat wasn’t something that I could just talk myself out of. It’s a fear that didn’t unravel until God started exposing the lies rooted to my fear.

I realized that my fear was based, in part, in the lie that all men cheat. The media portrays men as unable to control their sexual appetite. I just assumed that if given the opportunity, my man would cheat out of an inability to control himself. This lie has dangerous ramifications far beyond a fearful heart.

The truth is that men are no more carnal than we are.

Titus 2:11-13 says, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Girls, we don’t have the market cornered on self-control. The same Spirit that is at work in our hearts is at work in the lives of the believing men around us. Men aren’t the animals we see them portrayed as on T.V. and the big screen. They aren’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean that the entire gender is destined to ditch their marriage vows.

Sometimes I think we see ourselves as more spiritual than our male counterparts. The Truth is the Holy Spirit lives in men who know Jesus as vibrantly as He lives in our own hearts. Men aren’t given an extra dose of the sin nature any more than we have been given an extra helping of self-control.

Is your man doing his best to live out his faith in Jesus? Has his love for you and commitment to your marriage kept him faithful? Don’t wait in anticipation for the moment he will fail. Thank him for serving God by faithfully loving you. 

Topics: Marriage, Sexuality

Comments

  1. Erin, Thank you so much for this post. I have long struggled with the same fears, even though I have a faithful, godly husband. I have been learning, little by little to trust my husband, and say no to fear. This was helpful in my journey. God bless.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 7:19 am
  2. GReat post - it is true we live in an age where this is so prevelant but we must work at our marriages daily! Today I wrote a list of ways we can be praying for our husbands here:

    http://womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/2010/06/challenge-pray-for-your-husband-daily.html

    James 5:17 says the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. We must not neglect the disicpline of prayer for our men!
    Walk with the King!
    Courtney
    http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com
    posted by Courtney (Women LivingWell)
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 8:06 am
  3. Thank you so much for this. Tho I don't have this issue, I do live in a blended family situation. And it is so hard not to have fear. I do think that we tend to view men as what we see on TV - as cheaters. Fear is my biggest issue I face being in a blended family. I want to thank you for the verses on Fear! I will post them, as a reminder tome.
    posted by Lori
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 9:07 am
  4. Thanks for sharing this. I lived in fear. My husband is a christian but he has strayed emotionally. I lived in fear for about three years checking his emails and phone records. Along the way though God opened my eyes and I realized that I was being enslaved. I surrendered my fears and marriage to God. I am trusting God to keep y marriage pure, not because of my husband, but because of me and my relationship with Him. God has been truly faithful and I believe that he is not involved anymore. He is not secretive anymore. As I am using this computer, his emails and Fb accounts are open, but I do not bother with them. I know Whom I believeth and I am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I have committes unto Him...Let us surrender all to God.
    posted by Emily
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 10:30 am
  5. I'm married to a godly man whom I never would have suspected in a million years... but he fell into an emotional affair (I guess that is what you call an affair where the clothes stay on even though there was some hugging and hand-holding etc.) It is soooooooo hard to trust him now because ever since he has been so cold and distant with me and the children. Counseling just made him mad... I want my dear friend and lover back!! I submit and respect and love on him... pray for him, try to talk to him (grunts as responses), and cling to Jesus for strength. So I never had the fear he'd stop loving us - but I've experienced the nightmare since he has.
    posted by Kim
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 10:30 am
  6. "Sometimes I think we see ourselves as more spiritual than our male counterparts. The Truth is the Holy Spirit lives in men who know Jesus as vibrantly as it lives in our own hearts. Men arenít given an extra dose of the sin nature any more than we have been given an extra helping of self-control."

    This is a powerful reminder ~ humbling and yet at the same time, raising our respect for our husbands. I like that. I must try to remember this a little more often. I don't have trouble with fearing he will cheat, but I have to admit, I do often feel somewhat spiritually superior.
    http://swanvalleytammi.blogspot.com
    posted by LaughingLady
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 10:47 am
  7. Why do Godly women and men think we are immune to emotional/spiritual adultry? Why do we seem to put ourselves above the command from God to set boundaries and plant hedges? Why do we always think "it wont happen to me." Its as though while we are out proclaiming the Word of God and putting hands and feet in motion to share the gospel, we are ignoring all the basic instructions that God gave us in his word!

    My heart goes out to you Emily and Kim and all the other women that have experienced this pain. So sad that a simple boundary or hedge could have prevented the hurt.

    Until women turn back to what God created us to be and realize that any type relationship with the opposite sex, outside our marriage, could harm others (if not ourselves) then this kind of hurt will continue. satan will not give up on devouring the souls of us believers. he will continue to roam to and fro and destroy images, marriages, and trust.

    Many women have placed themselves in leadership roles within our churches and ministries and are overstepping the boundary God created for us. Many women are ignoring the hedges that need to be placed between their relationships with the opposite sex. Many women have allowed satan to convince them what they are doing is Godly and they are in control of their situation.

    I pray for all women to place those hedges and put up those boundaries so others will not fall into satans trap of emotional/spritual adultry. Being betrayed by a husband, has to be one of the worst type hurts we are able to humanly feel. It's just not worth the risk of hurting someone else.
    posted by paige
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 11:30 am
  8. Thank you so much for this... This was posted at just the right time when I needed it most....I am in fear....... to where it is starting to affect our 15 year marriage...so this is a blessing to read and know.
    posted by Kristie
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 11:37 am
  9. I'm so grateful for my "keeping my vows" husband ... and I will tell him so today. (Posting this on my Facebook page ... thanks, Erin!)
    http://heartchoicestoday.blogspot.com/
    posted by Dawn Wilson
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 11:57 am
  10. This was a great post! My hubby is a very Godly man, not perfect, but one that I know loves Jesus so mucy that he would never cheat on me, because to cheat on me would mean that he would cheat on Jesus and he would never do that!

    Because he is a minister, there have been many women who either knowingly or unknowingly have put themselves out there to see if he would bite. Fortunately before this happened the HOly Spirit lead me to pray for him so when they came along, he was already covered. That is one of the privilieges I feel is mine as his wife. I can pray for him in ways that no other person on this earth can pray beause I am the closest to him. Not once, when the Holy Spirit lead me to pray about things that should have made me feel uncomfortable, did I ever suspect or fear that my husband was doing or about to do something that wasn't right. I still marvel at that! But I know that my prayers kept my husband far away from the edge of the cliff and kept our marriage intact and secure.

    You see, those prayers were as much for him as they were for me because I think that women live with the misconception that when men cheat, woman and children are the only ones that get hurt, but that's not true. The men either are already hurting or they end up getting hurt along with everyone else. Sin takes no hostages, it kills, steals from and destroy's everything and everyone in it's wake.

    My husband has proven to me through the years that he can be trusted, but as his wife it is part of my vow to him to honor him, and honor involves trust. And I think that because I do honor and trust him, that helps him in times when he might have a temptation thrown into his life to not only resist, but look on it with disdain. It is silly to not trust a man that has never given you any cause. As someone said earlier, that is fear and must be dealt with because if it isn't, it could actually drive a man to do what you're fearing. Job said, "the thing that I feared has come upon me." The devil knew where Job's fear lied, so when the devil had opportunity to shake him, he knew exactly what areas of Job's life to hit. Don't give the devil an opportunity!

    I have often said that I would have to hear from his own lips that he had cheated. Even if there were eye witnesses and photos, I wouldn't believe it. Believe me, people have tried to cast doubt on his character in the past because they didn't like something he preached. They've hired private detectives to follow him trying to catch him in some unbecoming behavior. But they soon learned that my husband is simply a God fearing, family loving, hard working man, and without moral fault or failure. I didn't need a private eye to tell me that! I love with the man! I see God hears and answers his prayers and my family is blessed as a result of being connected to him.
    http://atypicalpastorswife.blogspot.com/
    posted by happyvalleygirl
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm
  11. Just because our husbands are "Godly men" does not mean satan can not decieve them. Actually, satan is after those men more than he is after the lost ones.
    posted by pb
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 3:07 pm
  12. Hi thank u for the post, although my husband had affairs in out marriage of three and a half years, it is abit diffecult to trust him, because he always has women starring at him, i want to overcome this fear of him not cheating again. I am just relying on the Holy spirit of God to convict him of wrong doings.
    posted by Brenda
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 5:40 pm
  13. How do you finally get past the hurt and remembrance of seeing your husband with someone else? We've talked, discussed, cried, and prayed a lot. We've even gone to counseling which all of these have helped in a lot of ways, but sometimes it comes back to my mind, and I guess that fear is there that it may happen again. I want to get beyond this this has been almost 4 years now. I guess you might say get over it since it's been that long, but when you trust someone & truly believe they love the Lord how can they do something like that all while attending the same church. She has finally left it was hard staying there myself.
    posted by Martha
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 5:54 pm
  14. Erin, thanks for the good things you said in defense of men! The media treats men as if all are either childish boys or evil monsters.

    I don't want to sound insensitive to those who struggle with fearing infidelity, but if I could just point out one little thing...

    It might become one of those self fulfilling prophecies to obsess over a husband's possible cheating. Women should be wise enough to remember that there is nothing more unappealing to a man than to be harped on by a wife and treated like a recalcitrant teenager.

    I see it as my responsibility to work on being the kind of woman that my man wants to come home to every evening. Trust God with your fears and don't burden your husbands with them! It is almost like begging for a compliment. Most men would prefer an honest, fun, good smelling, cute, yielding and supportive wife over an internet pop-up any day!

    I liked the article and love it when women don't buy the media male bashing.

    Blessings,
    Barb Gardner
    Holy Women of the Past/Calvary Press
    posted by Barbara Gardner
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 6:08 pm
  15. God is Amazing. Ladies, I just was confronted with some information that leads me to believe that my husband has been unfaithful. I do the conventional thing, call friends and family and pour out my heart, only to realize that it is God Almighty that has the power to give me comfort. I first want to confront him and then the Holy Spirit sends me to this site, once again, to provide direction for me. Thanks ladies for assuring me of what God requires from me. I refuse to give into Satan's tricks and I choose today to stand solidly on the Word!!!
    I do not know if what I was told is true but until I do (and I am not going to search), I will continue to pray and focus on the wisdom from our heavenly father! God always provides the true answer.
    posted by J
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 7:15 pm
  16. J - you need to speak with your husband concerning this information that you have received. If you dont, I truly believe this will eat you alive.

    Martha - You never-ever-never forget that hurt. Especially if you actually "saw" them together. This is a hurt much too deep to just go away. However, God can heal the wounds and allow you and your husband to rebuild your relationship one day at a time.

    This is the perfect example of how satan attacks Godly men. Yes, each one of us is accountable for our own actions, but never underestimate the power of satan. If "Bathsheeba" in these relationships had boundaries or if the men in these relationships had hedges planted .....this would never have happened. Without a doubt, Martha's husband did not enter into this relationship with the intention of committing adultry. As we hear over and over again, "It just happened."

    IF boudaries had been established that did not allow any type relationship with the opposite sex, without the spouse present, satan could not have crossed the boundary. Without Boundaries, we are in for a world of hurt. Praying for you women.
    posted by l. savy
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 7:40 pm
  17. To all women reading this blog: If you are currently married and in a relationship with the opposite sex, the best advice you could ever follow is to put up a "Never without my husband" hedge. Take the vow that you will never be with the opposite sex without your husband present.....period. NEVER cross this boundary for any reason. If this sounds extreme.....it is, because satan is extreme. If satan will tempt Jesus himself in the wilderness; what makes us think he will not use Godly men and women to tempt. Dont allow him to convince you that you can handle the temptations or that your image to others is not important.

    Never allow a Godly man, minister, pastor, sunday school teacher, evangelist, etc. to convince you that your relationship is "God based;" therefore its "ok." God's word is very clear on this subject. So many religious leaders led others astray by their own actions. Set an example ladies. You never know who may be watching your life to model theirs.
    posted by diane
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 7:51 pm
  18. Romans 7:14-20Romans 7:14-20 (New Living Translation)

    Struggling with Sin

    14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I donít really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I donít do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
    18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] I want to do what is right, but I canít. 19 I want to do what is good, but I donít. I donít want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I donít want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

    PLANT BOUNDARIES AND DO NOT CROSS THEM. None of us is exempt from sin, no not one, but we sure can control how available we make ourselves to satan.
    posted by carrie
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 7:59 pm
  19. It can happen to anyone.. believe me... after 35 yrs of a "good' marriage, I was "blown away" to discover an affair.

    God is good... but we ALL must have boundaries and hedges...

    We are stlll working on healing...

    Only to Christ be any glory or restoration... It is very hard....
    posted by Lynn
    on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 8:41 pm
  20. Dear J,
    It is good if one hopes & quietly waits for the salvation of the LORD. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart. What time I am afraid I will trust in the Lord.
    He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it untl the day of Jesus Christ...
    God Bless you even more.
    Love In Christ,
    Leslie.n
    posted by Leslie.n
    on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 12:44 am
  21. Best said from Charles Stanley:

    The Origin of Unmet Needs
    Romans 5:6-8

    Emotional needs can be every bit as acute as bodily requirements. The desire for love, acceptance, and a sense of safety are hardwired into human beings by the Lord. These necessities are what cause us to seek out friendships, marriage, and, ultimately, a relationship with God. And at the root of all of our heart-needs is the longing to feel valued.

    Without a solid sense of self-worth, a person cannot fully receive love and acceptance. Nor can he feel safe or at rest. The uncertain man projects onto family and friends the God-sized job of proving his value. From them, he seeks constant verbal assurance and displays of their loyalty. The problem is that no human can be an inexhaustible emotional resource.

    Inevitably, basing worth on people's judgments and acts of love makes for a yo-yo-like self-imageóit's down, it's up, it's down again. Besides, no one can build an adequate collection of good opinions to substitute for God's devotion. On the cross, Jesus Christ gave the only accurate measure of our significance: He considered every single person worth dying for. We can't buy or earn God's unconditional love. It is ours to receive with an open heart. Jesus' sacrifice stands as proof that we are of infinite value to the Sovereign of the universe.

    God desires to be our unlimited emotional resource. In fact, if our self-worth is based upon anything but Him, then it is unstable. A rock-solid self-image is rooted in the recognition of who we are in Christóbeloved, redeemed, and holy children. Nothing changes His opinion.


    So if we are trying to get our emotional support from another (especially from the opposite sex) we need to readjust our thinking and re-evaluate our purpose.
    posted by sm
    on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 8:47 am
  22. Dear Happyvalleygirl,

    I appreciate your sincere hopefulness and faithfulness that prayer and trust has given you a wonderful marriage and I encourage you (and others) to pray for your husband. But I felt the need to write because how you described your marriage was almost a mirror image of my marriage and my husband cheated. I am not trying to instill fear or lost hope into others, but rather hoping to prevent the pain that I went through by encouraging others to turn towards Christ more than their husband for emotinal needs should the worst ever happen.

    Like you, Happyvalleygirl, I was married for over 20 years to a man who loved me dearly and showed it. I felt loved and special. I never, ever doubted him or him cheating on me and it never once entered my mind. It never even entered my mind to check his cell phone, email, or briefcase...even when he left me. He left because he "he needed a break" because he felt he didn't love me anymore, I was shocked and torn apart and couldn't believe it. We had just been looking at buying a new home together only the weekend before. When he moved out, my girlfriends all said there "was someone else." Until they said that, I never once even suspected it and I defended my husband strongly. Not even when I ran into a mutual male friend, who sadly told me, with a heavy heart, that my husband had cheated on me, didn't I believe it. My friend said my husband had sort of "bragged" to this friend about the affair. My friend, admittedly shamefully asked my husband at the time, "aren't you afraid of being caught?" And my husband was very sure there was no way because I would never question him and I wasn't "that type" to ever snoop. He used my complete trust to cheat. That is what tore me up.

    Like you Happyvalleygirl, I had to hear it from his own lips before I could believe it. It didn't add up, I couldn't even remember any times he was "missing" from the home! When I confronted him, he denied it many times, but I knew him so well, I knew something wasn't right by his reaction and finally, he admitted it it was true. He showed no indication of remorse or wanting to get back together, and I tearfully, filed for divorece 24 hours later. He did not contest it. He never asked to repair the marriage. I am not condoning this at all, I am just telling my story. Everyone has their own limits and way of dealing with pain. I just know in my heart, I would have never, ever, ever believed it had I not heard it from his own lips.

    No one, not wives, not husbands, enter a marriage with the thought of hurting the other. My biggest mistake, I think, (and I made a lot) was not that I trusted my ex husband so much, but not trusting in God more. The amount of faith I put into my husband, I should have put into Christ. I wasn't in a personal relationship with Christ in those days - I was a Christian (as was my ex), but not active. Satan knew this and satan also knew right at that time in my life, I was just starting to search more for Christ in baby steps and wanted to take my ex with me. Nothing could have made satan madder. And he (satan) will do anything - anything, to keep us from Christ - even put temtation so strong, in little ways, and in front of us day after day after day and give us little troubles day after day after day until one of us breaks and before we know it, we are away from God and in a tangeled mess and we never even saw it coming.

    I have since, by the loving and forgiving grace of God, been given a second loving husband. I struggle with this fear of cheating, due to my past experience, but am asking God to release me of it and I place my fears and trust into God. I believe God has plans, I am trying to listen, and I trust that His plans will come and I can only do my best and trust that His plans (not mine) have a purpose greater than my understanding and greater than what we humans judge to be right or good.

    Isaiah 55:8
    "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,"
    declares the LORD.

    Jermeiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    May my story be of comfort, not a source of worry in that God is in control and our trust is always in Him. It is my belief, (this is me only talking here) that when I pray with hope and thanks, and not out so much out of fear, my prayers feel more uplifting. I try (but not always successful) pray something like:

    "God, thank you for giving me a loving husband that I put into your hands. Thank You for Your amazing ability to keep his heart close to You and Your ways. Thank You for the strength and power You have over this world's corruption and I ask that You protect my husband today as he enters it. Through You, my husband is protected. I trust You and Your grace to provide what my husband needs to be strong and faithful to You."

    When I let my fears get the best of me, I sound more like:

    "Please, God, don't let anyone enter my husband's life that will tempt him or make him think thoughts that are not honorable. Please keep all temptations away from him and help him to remember his vows and to always do the right thing. Don't let him look longing at another woman who he may come across and don't let an evil woman talk to him in ways she shouldn't. Please protect him today and keep him safe from all evil."

    I think it is obvious how the first way of praying, I would leave feeling more strength and refreshed and the second way, leaving worried and and less faithful. Depending on my mood, I don't alway pray the first way, but I am still learning and God understands I am learning He understands my fears too. God wants me to trust Him.

    Again, I hope my story doesn't instill fear, but rather instill more uplifting prayer towards our husbands and more faith that our Lord is there for us and He is in control, not us.

    I know this is long, but I appreciate this blog so very much.

    Best wishes,
    Elizabeth
    posted by Elizabeth
    on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 10:02 am
  23. Dear Elizabeth,

    I know your letter wasn't for me, but thank you very much for writing it.

    Peace, love n' blessings to all my sisters in Christ here.
    posted by Jenny
    on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 11:27 am
  24. Good or Godly men are there in the world and they don't buy into the temptations that people are faced with everyday. There are some good men and some bad and vice versa for women. I think a person should try to live the best as they can in a Godly way. We see how cheating, divorces, and such breaks people apart and children too. It's not worth it to cheat on anyone. We live in a world that tells people to have one night stands, cheat, divorce, and such. But the good people know that its not a fulfilling and its the devils way to destroy or hurt people from having a proper fulfilling relationship in marriage. Trust the Holy Spirit and he will protect you and your family.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 1:14 am
  25. Elizabeth, thank you for your story, however tough it is.

    I too have lived through the "I trusted him so much" and like you, I never would have gone through his belongings.

    And yep, he did the same to me. And I felt so very stupid and naive, and now, I realize that this was not a correct assessment, cos "normal honest folks" don't do things like that. Ever.

    The important thing to remember is that men (and women) can fall. And let us down.

    And to place all our faith in Jesus.

    I think that when people cheat in small things, they will cheat in big things too - like marriage, like stealing and other kinds of deceit. Try it and see.

    Personally, I have found that to forgive him is useful and to move on.

    Hugs to all from here

    Judy
    posted by brownjudy
    on Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm
  26. To Barb G.

    I really like what you said. I think a man most definitely wants to come home to a joyful, kind, sweet smelling, supportive, light hearted wife over the hussy who does not really know him.

    This is very complicated and sad. I also thank Elizabeth for her story.

    Carrie, your comment is also so true NONE of us is free from sin, no not one. Bless you all
    True Woman
    posted by LD
    on Tuesday, July 6, 2010 at 11:45 pm
  27. Well my question regarding cheating. My husband was cheating for seven years and I did not even know it, ja and he also has a problem with porn. It stopped for a few months since he admited the cheating.

    Know he is starting again with porn.

    I know it is wrong, I am a lady who is smoking, now he is telling me if I don't stop, he won't stop with the porn.

    Is it wright of him to tell me that his sin is the same as mine, and if I don't stop he would not either.
    posted by Ronell
    on Monday, August 2, 2010 at 1:49 pm
  28. Dear Ronell,

    Iím sorry you are struggling so in your marriage. I encourage you and your husband to seek counsel from your pastor or another godly leader in your local church.

    Whatever our sin, Ronell, it is first and foremost against God. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight (Ps. 51:4). Sin grieves the heart of God! Jesus received the punishment for our sin on the cross so that we might receive forgiveness and a right relationship with God.

    The momentary pleasure of sin is extremely powerful and we become slaves to that sin. Only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can the power of that sin be broken. ďOur old self was crucified with Christ that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin (Rom. 6:8).Ē

    Because the Holy Spirit lives in those who belong to Christ we no longer have a ď rightĒ to use our bodies in ways that would dishonor the One who lives in us. ďDo you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own (1 Corinth. 6:19).Ē

    I encourage you and your husband to consider the resources available at www.PureLifeMinistries.org and www.SettingCaptivesFree.com. I pray the Lord will use them to help you both find personal freedom and to enjoy the gift of marriage the Lord has blessed you with.

    Blessings,
    Carrie
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm
  29. Thanks Elizabeth for ur story

    i could write a book with mine i am a christian i married a man who acted like a christian went to church quoted scriptures etc. i met him at work at the ontario airport we dated for 3 years and had barley completed 3 years married before i filed for divorce. He was good in his game of hiding his womanizing ways behind my back he was the type that when i worked on graveyard and left to work he would sneak out all night pretending he was asleep, a woman at the job later i came to find out bought him a cell phone so that he and her could keep in contact behind my back. He even put codes on his phone so i couldnt break in and he lied about buying the phone and his reasons on why he put codes on his phone and me being blind cause i loved him believed him seeing he gave me no signs on his unfaithfulness. Rumors at work started about him and thid woman when i confrunted him he lied by telling me it wasnt true and that not to believe it. I felt something deep in my stomach that something was going on and that he was lieing but i didnt have proof and when he lied to me i fought the feeling inside me and wanted so bad to believe that he wasnt unfaithful like he said. One morning after waking up from working graveyard i woke up to find i had three messages from a private caller to hear this woman tell me on my voicemail all the things my husband does to her in bed but in a volgar way. I felt hurt disgusted and betrayed i confronted him he lied again blaming someone at work that i had problems with a few days ago telling me that she would call and do somthing like that and blaming me and that it was all my insecurities on other women. On his days off he would take my car and sneak out all day knowing that i had worked the night and wouldnt come back till 3pm when he knew i would be awake he would always say he would be out with his supposed christian friend and that he would leave cause all i did was sleep and he didnt want to be home not understanding me on how hard graveyard is to work. Finally we continue to have problems and he tells me to leave that he didnt love me and that he was a good lier and that i was gonna find out something and that i wasnt gonna want to be with him anymore. He didnt tell me what he ment but the next day when he was at work i cleaned house i bought everything and took everything leaving him with his stuff he had only. We septrated for two months and started to talk and guess what he still lied and said he was innocent with tears on his eyes and on his knees that nothing happened and he told me he was sorry for all the mean things he said that he only said them cause he was mad but that he didnt mean them that he only supposively said them cause he knew that by saying that he would get me to go. So we decieded to work it out we lived in seprate homes him wit his mom me with mine and still seeing each other on our days off. Well i later found out that in his weekly schedule i was sunday night monday all day and tues morning girl and that he had other women for the other days of the week i know this cause i went out to look for him and sure in enough sneaking out coming back home at 4am in the morning and guess what when confronted he lied again but this time i wasnt believeing him he called me a stalker at work he didnt want no one to know we were back togther because i find out later he was also being with this other woman at work too and her knowing would mess up his game well i told this woman that we were still married and working things out and she ran and told him and guess what he does he ends our marriage telling me were done over. Well i stoped texing him stoped calling him and went to file for a divorce during the month and a week seprated he would text me telling me he was sorry and oh he had a dream of us having a baby togther and that i left somthing at his house if i wanted it well he didnt get a call or a text back from me anymore. You know what he got he got served at work from a friend of mine, i changed my cell number knowing his pattern he would text me some angry stuff but i forgot to change my email adress and guess what he emails me that i Savotaoged the marriage because i wanted to be single and that he was sorry he never says what hes sorry for and that food tasted better when we were together. Well i emailed him i told him that i didnt savotaged the marriage that he did by his womanizing and lies and manipulated ways and that him supposively being christian was gonna have to give an account to god for what he did to me and other women and how he played with our emotions to get get material things and how he used and played with god with me. I told him that the whole time that feeling that i had inside me was right even though he made me seem that it was me and that it wasnt it was him being shaddy the whole time. I told him that im glad that God set me free by using him to tell me to go and by exposing his lies and cheating ways and that now i thank god for not giving me any children with him cause he cant even take care of his daughter he had with his baby mama. I also told him that im glad that god spared me of more years married with him and living in misable with him. I told him that he didnt ruin me like he said he did that everything i lost an ex husband my credit he ruined with me and my money i lost that because i stayed faithful with god and didnt do anything that god was gonna give it back to me 100 times fold in the end. I also told him that he used to tell me alot that i was stuck because i didnt know the truth or whaqt to believe and that i wasnt going anywhere and that i wasn't gonna leave him I told him in the email im not stuck and ive been gone just waiting for the divorce papers and it hurts me but I know God set me free from this bondage my ex husband had me in his web of lies. So now im in the process of the divorce and open for what god has in store for me in the future.
    posted by Luz Elvira
    on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 1:44 pm
  30. Wow! What a great post! I think what has affected us from our past or what our parents did-- really does affect our thinking, more than what we will ever, ever know. What you are taught is everything. I have dealt with similar fear and its great to hear someone talk about it and claim their victory over it! Praise God! It truly is by the word of our testimony!
    posted by Heather Nicole
    on Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 1:45 pm
  31. Luz,

    I am so sorry for all that you have been through. God will guide you in the coming months as you make your way through them. Just keep turning towards God and His word for wisdom - He is the best teacher and friend. Don't make the mistake I did, and allow your emotions and pain to become so great that it prevents you from seeing all that is good around you. That happened to me for a while and it was almost very costly to me.

    Three days after I found out that my ex cheated (now remember, I have known him since he was 14, and we had 26 years total together and he was the light of my life), the pain, fear, and utter betrayal of trust was too overwhelming for me. I had just only begun to search (in very small steps) a relationship with Christ, but did not even have a church or a church family back then.

    I was a runner back then and went running in a park on the morning that was supposed to have been our 22nd anniversary and it was very early. It was very hot and muggy and I was wearing sunglasses and crying nonstop as I ran and replayed the last 26 years of my life. Where did I go wrong? Why did he do this? What should I have done differently? How could I stopped him? When did I become such a horrible wife? Why did he throw me away like a piece of trash? I did nothing but love and support him, where did I mess up? It was endless. My pain just built and built. As I ran and cried, I slowly realized that I no longer wanted to be here any longer - I just couldn't take it. I soon began to wonder how many grocery stores were around and how many pills it would take. I would then be shocked that I was even thinking such a thing. Then I would go and think how no one would find me for two days and then go back to being shocked again. Back and forth. Crying and pain.

    By the time I reach the bottom of a large hill, I was almost hysterical because I pretty much had made up my mind and knew that this would be my last run. I looked up this hill, the same hill I have tried to run up for months and months and could NEVER make it up without stopping half way and have to walk the rest of the way. My crying was almost uncontrollable.

    Then in a sudden burst of anger, I looked up to the sky and screamed out to God and demanded - yes demanded from God and told Him - yes TOLD, not asked, but TOLD Him "if You make me run ALL up this hill without stopping, then I will know that everything will be okay." I yelled at God, "I don't mean run, I mean SPRINT..." I was daring God to let me down. I was daring God to give me a reason to put myself off this earth. I was angry, hurt...I had just ran 2 miles already - I was tired. I hadn't slept for days, I was just spent. I was basically shaking my fist at God - I didn't care anymore.

    I suddenly turned up my ipod FULL BLAST and took off full speed. I had never ran so fast in my life. I was looking down at the grass, tears streaming down my face, daring God for me to run out of steam. I was running so hard, as if I wanted to stop, so I could go and do what I planned on doing and not face all this pain any longer. But, I kept on sprinting up this huge hill. All the way up, I kept saying to myself over and over, "I just need courage, I just need courage." I must have said it about 50 times. I couldn't even see, for all the tears blurring my vision.

    Before I knew it, I was at the very top of the hill! I couldn't believe it, my heart was bursting, I was leaning over on my knees, panting, crying, with music blasting in my ears at full volume, but then I heard a calm voice call out to me as I bent over, panting. A voice? How could I hear a voice with this music blasting in my ears?

    I look up and to see this tall man, in a gray suit, with white/silver hair, smiling at me. He was in his late 60's. He calls out to me again. I was startled because I was alone on the hill when I ran up it. I removed my ear piece and I said, "What did you say?" and he said, "You have courage. You are so brave." I was stunned and said, what? And he smiled at me and simply said, "You have courage."

    I stared at him for a few seconds and teared up with fear. I thought with fear, God was HERE with me. I said nothing and turned and ran down the hill. I began to cry - oh my God, He is here...I was afraid, but soon, my tears of fear turned to tears of joy and soon I began to say, joyfully, God is HERE with ME, HE IS HERE, RIGHT HERE, WITH ME... I could feel Him running right next to me, His arm around me, as I ran down the hill. I couldn't believe that God came to visit me!! I made it down the hill in a minute and when I reached the bottom and turned to look up, my angel, my messenger, had disappeared. He was no where to be found. A slight breeze came out of no where and cooled me on this hot morning. I had the whole park to myself. Silence. I asked for God's forgiveness for my demanding Him earlier and for the thoughts I had. I told Him how sorry I was for allowing life to be so bad that I saw no options but to just leave it. I said I was sorry for not seeking His help for my worries.

    Luz, I will say that my circumstances got way, way worse, for quite a while, before they ever got better. I had a lot to deal with, a lot more came out as the divorce proceeded, and life was very hard after that run. But, I only needed to know that "it will be okay" because I knew God was faithful to me. I had no right to shake my fist at Him. God gives me things not because I work so hard or because I do good things, He provides out of grace and whatever life happens to hand me, I need to trust that God is always there.

    I now have a Christian church and family. I try so hard not to live with fears and worries that were brought on by those years, but I put those into God's hands. He understands. He loves me. He wants me to turn to Him. My walk with Him grows closer every day.

    I hadn't planned on sharing this story so openly so soon, but today, I decided to go run again. That run up the hill took place five and half years ago and a lot has taken place, including a car accident that affected my health. And for some reason, I felt compelled to click on to this post and see how everyone was doing and felt compelled to share. Maybe my story will help others to see that no matter how much pain we are in, God understands and wants so badly for you to turn it over to Him and for you to just trust that He will handle it FOR you and WITH you.

    Whoever is reading this, please know that after my run up that hill, my life did not suddenly get better, like a magic wand, in fact, it became even harder. I only THOUGHT I knew what pain was at that moment - greater pain was waiting for me just around the corner. But just knowing that I could lean on Christ and that He was "running" through the pain with me, made each day (sometimes by the hour) bearable. I think that is why I am writing this - in the hopes to lessen someone's pain and to hopefully help gather someone's tears and help them hold those tears up to God who so much wants to take your tears from you.

    Please never forget that God cries with you and He will never leave you, and He has a plan, greater, more powerful than we could ever dream of.

    "For I know the plans I have for you," declares THE LORD, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

    Elizabeth
    posted by Elizabeth
    on Thursday, September 30, 2010 at 10:47 am
  32. This is one of the most incredible post I've seen in a long time! This really moved my spirit! Definitely posting this on fb to share with other women
    posted by Faith
    on Thursday, September 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm
  33. I am a guy and I still wonder how I found myself here on this site, but I am glad to be here and read what is being shared. I am in the body of Christ, and like most people struggling with the day to day issues of life, but because of an article on marriage I saw here I wanted to know more about who is behind this site. I am convinced, it is the SPIRIT of the living Saviour our LORD Jesus Christ. Thanks.
    posted by Steven Raines
    on Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 11:32 am
  34. I am not married but i think i can relate to a bit of each one of your stories. I was blindsided by a guy I was in a relationship with. We were together 3 years and got engaged. We set a day for our wedding and about 7 months to the time, he started dating a girl from my church after we had a really heated argument. I couldn't believe it and was really really hurt. I can't say i was surprised because he lied a lot, he had no boundaries in his dealings with the opposite sex and he thought so highly of himself, anyways i digress. My point is that from reading through all your posts and from a lot of things that i am learning, i realise that the devil loves to fight us tooth and nail whenever we decide to obey God. I realised that around the time this whole thing happened i was starting to speak up against us fornicating and i was desperately seeking to renew my walk with God... I remember i always used to shy away from really getting close to God because i lived in constant condemnation of being in a sexually impure relationship. I thank God that what the devil meant for evil my God has turned it around for good. Initially, after i found out what he did, i was so angry and bitter and felt so betrayed but now i realise i need to be exactly where i am. I realised that because of the whole situation i started to seek God daily. Initially, out of desperation and pain but now out of love and Trust. For the first time in my life i said and meant these beautiful words "Jesus i love you" i never could say it before this because i allowed the devil to decieve me into thinking that Jesus would not reciprocate because he really did not love me back(how silly uhn?). I am living a sexually pure life to God's glory, I stopped depending on my feminine charms to "keep" my man and stopped living in fear of another human being's actions. I thank God that he is strengthening me day by day and his Joy is my strength. After, three months this ex fiancee was trying to come back, but i saw through his manipulations and lies. I really think of him with compassion and pray that God helps him find peace in his insecurities. I trust that God is faithful and he doesn't wish that any should perish.
    Thanks ladies, and i pray that the Lord continues to give us the strength to hold each other up with love. Stay blessed sisters.
    posted by Temi
    on Friday, October 29, 2010 at 6:35 pm
  35. My husband & I are both Christians serving in a local church and we ve been married for 22 yrs. Everything was going well with our married life until one day 3 yrs ago, he fell into a trap of infedility. He went to High school reunion one night and ended in bed with his HS batchmate. A woman whom he had never seen for the last 20yrs blinded him and he threw away all his Christian doctrines. Of course, i was devastated! i couldnt believe it happened to me. There was no warning, i never doubted my husband. i trusted him so much, i know he loves me and can never do such terrible thing to me. he could nver hurt me.. I questioned God why did he let me down, why the hurt and pain. Today, we are still together. My husband admitted to his sin to me and in the presence of a friend pastor. he asked for forgiveness and i gave him my forgiveness. He repented from his sin and i believe he is sincere. We are doing well now and even much more intimate than before. But I have to admit, i still feel the pain of his unfaithfulness. my trust for him has diminished. I need a lot of grace to be able to accept or forget all the ugly things that happened between me and my husband. i love him so much.
    posted by mp
    on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 12:34 pm
  36. We should just trust God with our marriages, children, and with our lives. He will never put more on us then we can bear. Turn to God when fear come, just hand it to him and let Him fix it. Trails & tribulations come to make us stronger. Worrying about our marriage isnt going to solve anything. Pray a hedge around your husband & your children.

    Just keep loving and keep praying for your spouses. And if he/she does cheat, just remember that everything happen for reason....
    posted by sherry
    on Thursday, December 29, 2011 at 2:15 am
  37. Sorry...No trust here. Men are as faithful as their opportunities.
    posted by carrie gordon
    on Tuesday, February 5, 2013 at 3:43 pm
  38. I am one of thiose husbands that has cheated. I have been married 39 years and cheated when we had been married 22 years. The affair lasted for almost 3 years and it was all I could do not to leave my wife for the lady as it was not about sex but about the way she treated me in every area of my life. I have been a sexually frustrated husband for 36 of those 39 years so when a lady I had known for many years was also frustrated in her marriage for different reasons made advances it was easy to do what I did.
    My wife and I got saved after 3 years of marriage and tried a Christian counselor which only made my wife extremely mad when he made suggetions that she didn't like. She has refused to go to any type of marriage enrichment, counseling or anything the like. She doesn't see that she has a problem while both of our sons and our daughter in law have tried to talk to her. I gave up years ago because it only incites her to rage worse. She had a very dominating mother who not only dominated her but her Dad also so that was her influence and how she tries to "run" me and our marriage. We are both type a, first born, strong willed so that hasn't helped either. Menopause hasn't helped at all as it has amplified the problems.
    One of the things that really bothers me the most is that with strangers she is this all loving, rub it all over you until we are back in our home then she all but totally transforms back unless there is company in the house. My youngest asks regularlly why do I stay, how and why do I put up with it. He too has seen my mother in law and the way she treats her husband.
    I have tried to talk but as I said gave up when she began to verbally attack me that the problems were all in my head or just plain me.
    To compound the problems I/we have pastored 2 churches and have had problems as the people after time passed saw her for who she really is as she hides it very well in public. I am not claiming to be a saint as I have plenty of faults but right now as we draw near to our 39 th year I regret not leaving and trying to have a little of happiness instead of the misery I live in right now. My youngest son and his two girls live with us so he takes about 30% of her fury because even though she loves him dearly they conflict. His youngest daughter also sees a lot of her fury.
    I am not looking for sympathy just a little understanding as to why I did what I did, do I regret it....only in Jesus.....would I do it again, no as now I have far to much to lose. I will just endure until one of us passes. Does anything justify an affair...never!

    Any man that has a truly Biblical wife that treats him with respect and takes care of his needs is a truly blessed man and should cherish, nuture and hold on to that lady as todays sociey does not promote this type of lady.

    Thanks for addressing this subject.

    joe
    posted by Joe
    on Thursday, July 25, 2013 at 6:47 am
  39. @Joe...Your life is tough that is for sure. My heart goes out to you. Sin indeed, as the old saying goes, takes you further than you ever wanted to go, keeps you longer than you ever wanted to stay and costs you more than you ever wanted to pay. That is true in each of the circumstances of your life.

    I'm not sure I understand your paragraph about "looking for some understanding of why you did what you did", and I appreciate your honesty about it taking everything you had "not to leave your wife", but Joe, true repentance causes a grief that is so great before the Heavenly Father that there are no excuses anymore. If I have misunderstood, please understand

    Your responses now as a godly husband--and yes, you can be a godly husband even if your wife is not a godly wife--your responses now should be to exhibit Christ in such a way that a 1 Corinthians love is exhibited-- not only for your sake before the Lord, but for your wife's sake, and for your son and his daughters' sakes. Christ loved us enough to die for us while we were yet sinners. If you don't have love in your heart, then you will need to pray with fervent prayer and fasting that the Lord will help you love your wife and family in such a way. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Eph. 5:25)

    I pray you can indeed love with such a sacrificial love that the spirit of Christ will dwell in your home in such a way that your wife is washed by the water of the Word on a daily basis (Eph. 5:26) and there comes a peace in your home that is beyond understanding (Phil. 4:7). Stand in the stead of your wife with your grand-daughter when she feels the wrath of her grandmother. Cover the situation with grace. "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) You would not want in any way to be a stumbling block to your grand-daughters knowing and following Christ in the years ahead.

    You have the opportunity to be the grace-giver, the Christ picture in your home. Do it, Joe, for the glory of Christ. I have prayed such for you.
    posted by
    on Friday, July 26, 2013 at 6:23 pm
  40. What I was referring to when I asked that people understand why anyone does what they do is this....No matter how hard you try to deny the lust of the flesh, and it makes no difference what that lust is, it doesn't have to be sexual, if your surrounding and circumstances continue to get worse and you spouse, male or female, continues to do things to push you away, temptation can over take you. It is very hard to continue when you are under constant bombardment from someone that is supposed to love you and the enemy is bombardling you with the chance to get satisfaction and I am not only talking about sexual as sometimes it is just peace in the home. A cheating spouse is not always after sexual gradification. As I said our problems run much deeper than just sex. They are control, domination, sarcasim, jealousy, an always right spirit, refusal to accept the fact that they might be wrong, finishing sentences, etc. The older she has gotten the worse these have become. menopause seemed to applify them. But she has continued to see that these are some of the ways her mother treated her but doesn't see that she is treating the people around her the same way.I have used the illistration many times that if you kick your dog every time you walk out of the house, eventually he won't be there to kick, he may be waiting under the porch to see which person came out the door this time before approaching for a pat.
    I have relatives that say she might be bipolar with her mood swings like they are. Like I said both her mother and her sister are like my wife and I have 2 grand-daughters living under the influence of her "moods".

    I will just continue to pray seking God for his mercy and his grace for both of us and try to walk under her radar!

    Thanks for listening.
    posted by Joe
    on Tuesday, July 30, 2013 at 10:19 am
  41. Bless you, Joe. We join you in prayer for you and your wife, your grand-daughters, your son and all involved. Perhaps the Lord will work in such a way to get medical help for any bi-polar tendencies. There is great help for that, but I understand it is in the "getting" of the help that the Lord often needs to work. We pray God will intervene in your family's lives in such a way that peace permeates your home and a love that glorifies the Savior floods your days. How I pray that for you and your family! God could do it; it is not beyond Him. "Oh, Lord GOD! You Yourself made the heavens and earth by Your great power and with Your outstretched arm. Nothing is too difficult for You!" (Jer. 32:17) May it be so true in your lives!
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Tuesday, July 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm
  42. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and last year he cheated on me and as a result of this a child was conceived. I love my husband and don't won't my family split up we have two children but i'm not sure if I can deal with the fact of him having another child. He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the child and that it was just a transaction. (He was paid). The woman is very messy and I have prayed for her even through all my hurt. I know i'm strong enough to deal with him having this other child and paying child support but i'm not sure if I want to. Any suggestions?
    posted by nicki
    on Monday, December 2, 2013 at 4:40 pm
  43. Dear Nicki,

    I am so sorry to hear of the trial you are going through right now, Nicki! I want to assure you that you are doing the right thing in praying for this woman and encourage you to pray for the child, as well. As you pray for them, do the right things towards them and commit this situation to the Lord, you can trust that He will keep His promise to work this out for His glory and for your good. As you pray, the situation may not change but God will begin to work in your heart to bring your emotions in line with what you know is right and good. I encourage you to make the choice to forgive your husband and this woman in the same way that Christ has forgiven you (Eph. 4:31-32). This will keep you walking in obedience to the Lord and will protect you from bitterness in regards to this (Heb. 12:15)

    I would challenge you to read, memorize and live by Romans 12:9-21 in regards to this situation. That is what I have prayed for you this day. Godís grace is available to you each and every moment as you walk this difficult road (2 Cor. 12:9-10). May God comfort your heart as you choose to walk in the light of His Word (2 Cor. 1:3-5).

    Serving Him,
    Lorree
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, December 4, 2013 at 12:24 pm

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