I had a rare morning out with a friend last week. We sipped yummy coffee and enjoyed quiet conversation. As a mom of two little kids, outings like this are a rare treat. I couldn’t have done it without my hubby who watched the kids while I was gone (he even did the laundry and dishes!). He’s wonderful.
Even so, when I got home, I was cranky. I griped at my husband and pointed out the jobs he didn’t accomplish in my absence. I wouldn’t have fed the kids that. I definitely wouldn’t have dressed them in those clothes!
As I heard the shrill sound of my own voice, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why was I acting this way? Then I remembered some of the turns my conversation had taken during my morning getaway.
My friend said things like:
- “I told him it’s my decision. He may not like it, but I have the final say.”
- “My husband’s been working a lot of overtime. I’m so aggravated. He never sees the kids.”
- “ He mowed over my flowers again. I don’t know how many times I have to show him the difference between a flower and a weed.”
Harmless comments, right? After all, don’t two girlfriends deserve the right to vent? I no longer think so.
My coffee loving friend is a committed Christian. I happen to know she adores her husband of more than a decade. But she’s forgotten the power of her words when it comes to her husband. I can say from experience that her memory loss is contagious.
She’s not my first friend to speak poorly of her husband. I’ve hung out with men bashers before. It always amazes me how easily I slip into a pattern of negativity and criticism when I have frequent contact with such women. It is a habit that doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m crazy about my husband. There are so many reasons to brag on him and so few reasons to complain. And yet, when I spend time with a husband hater, it doesn’t take long for the bashing to begin at my house. Even worse, I’ve noticed that my heart tends to follow my words (and vice versa). The more I talk negatively, the less I admire, love, and respect my man.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. There’s so no such thing as harmless conversation. I think that’s why Paul wrote:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
Ladies, this passage is especially helpful when we apply it to how we talk about the men in our lives. In public and in private we need to be committed to esteeming them highly and speaking words that build up instead of tearing down.
So what about my husband bashing friend? Do I ditch her? Call her out? Cut off the coffee dates until her words sound more like a Hallmark card? I don’t think so. Instead I will look for every opportunity to speak highly of my man when she’s around. If the conversation goes south, I’ll make an extra effort to steer it in a different direction. I may even bring along a friend who has a history of speaking well of men to our next java stop.
The bottom line is that my friend’s mouth is not my responsibility. It’s my job to love my husband well and to speak highly of others at every opportunity. I want to encourage you to do the same. How can you specifically praise the men in your life today?
Comments
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However, it spoke to my heart even more about my bestfriend and coworker. In just the past 2 days, I have been shown how much the coworker bashing happens and how I join in thinking it's OK when it's not. Yesterday morning I made a commitment to not participate in such conversation. While I know it will be difficult, I also know with the Lord on my side it can be done!!
Thank you so much for your words. I am printing your post and putting it in my plan book to read each day!!!
Blessings and Hugs!!
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 7:27 am
I witnessed something at the ball field recently that really caught my attention. Both coaches were on the field during a practice. One coach was male and the other female. The female coach received a phone call on her cell so she stepped off the field to take it. Before the call, she was jolly and laughing and in the best of moods. When she took the call, her whole personality and attitude changed. I heard her talking very down to the person on the phone and talking in a very hateful voice. After the call, she looked over at some of us parents and said, "husbands!" She walked back out on the field and changed back to her jolly self. It made me wonder why she gave her fellow coach the good, positive side of her while talking so negative and hurtful to her own husband.
I think we tend to take our husbands for granted and feel that we dont have to be on our "best behavior" with them; when the truth is, they are the ones we need to be supportive of and building up."
Thanks Erin!
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 8:08 am
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 8:41 am
The Lord also convicted me that I needed to back away from this friendship for a while and allow Him to do a healing work in that marriage. I believed that if she did not have me to complain to, she would begin to develop a deeper friendship with her husband and praise the Lord! That is exactly what has happened. I am blessed now to see them having fun together, and even holding hands in church!
The Lord completely changed my perspective on ME giving "helpful" advice rather than pointing my friend to God's Word for help and hope.
"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned as it were with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person." Col. 4:6
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 8:56 am
Thanks for the post. We all need that reminder for all of our relationships
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 10:11 am
Thank you for this post. What I noticed is that while I don't bash my husband at all to others, I do it in my head a lot. I find myself truly saying wonderful things about him to others (and to him at times) but in my head I am screaming sometimes and ticking off a list of "if only he would...". And I know this must really affect my attitude and disposition in a negative way. When I can summon the strength to just stop and start ticking off instead, all his wonderful qualities, and actually tell myself the exact things I tell to others, my whole attitude changes.
One perfect example I will give was not too long ago. After my husband left for work and I was cleaning up after breakfast and sweeping the back room area, I noticed some large chunks of dirt on the floor that must have came from my husband's shoes the night before when he was planting some bushes for me. Normally, I would be listing off in my head things like, "why can't he just wipe his feet?" or "how hard is it to take off his shoes by the door?" or "doesn't he know I already have enough to do without him adding to my list?" and get myself all worked up and in a crabby mood.
But this time, I stopped, and really thought about it and realized the dirt came from a man who was tired and spent the prior evening moving bushes for me instead of relaxing and was doing me a favor without griping about it. Suddenly, sweeping up the mess wasn't a chore after all, it was actually a pleasure. Who would have thought sweeping dirt could actually make one happy? But in this case, as I swept, I thought about how hard he worked, and how I am happy to have my landscaping almost completed.
Now, I wish I could say that I can think like that all the time, but not yet, but my goal is to get that way. I am a slow learner, but the happiness I felt in sweeping dirt is proof that our thoughts are very powerful.
Thanks for the reminder,
Elizabeth
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 10:22 am
This week, he received a small token of apprecation from his boss at work, and talked and talked about how much it meant. I was really puzzled by how significant it is to him. And then I started wondering. . . am I appreciating him in meaningful ways at home? Or taking him for granted? Requiring his help with the kids (3 under 4) instead of being grateful for it? Ouch.
Erin, thanks for the reminder. A friend and her two small boys are coming to visit for a week, and I needed to see this today, so that she and I don't slip into speaking negatively of our husbands. Thank you!
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 10:32 am
Venting to my friends is not even an option. It makes my husband look bad in their minds and that is something I definitely do not want.
I married the best man in the whole wide world! (He puts up with me and has for over 30 years!)
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:17 am
Natasha
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:29 am
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:49 am
I know one friend right now who's unsaved husband is verbally abusive and she lives in constant fear of what he's going to do next. He is also verbally abusive to any of her church friends who comes to their home that she no longer allows visitors when he is home for fear of his attacks on them. She has no freedom in her heart, no joy in this realtionship but chooses to honor the Lord and stay in a relationship where he treats her worse than a dog.
What do you say to her, "stick it out, God will help you" as he bashes her face in again emotionally? To me it's not husband bashing when she talks to me about what he is doing to her, it's releasing pent up fear and emotional wounds to a trusted friend. This is not a case of him not taking out the garbage, this is a case of his not speaking toher for 3 weeks except to scream at her and threaten her.
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:52 am
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:15 pm
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm
The husband is to be the head of the household and deserves respect from his wife. Part of this respect is coming to him directly when there is a problem rather than husband bashing to friends or others. I so often see women turn to their pastor or their christian friends to discuss their marital situations. I think this is one of the largest mistakes a wife can make.
I see women getting involved in extraciricular activities to make them feel worthy rather than being a wife or mother and keeping the home as God intended. The feminist movement has really goofed up the whole idea God had for women. So many women today feel they need to be the LEADERS and not the followers. I dont think God honors that at all.
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I appreciate your heart for your hurting friend.
The Bible certainly allows us to seek counsel from wise friends during times of trial. I don't think there is any Biblical backing for taking the stand that we can never speak ill of our husbands. However, there is a difference between talking to a friend about a difficult marriage and consistently complaining about the men in our lives. Also, the reality is that God is the only one with the true power to change your friend's situation. He can melt even the hardest of hearts. You can listen to your friend's pain but God is the only true Reconciler. Maybe instead of talking over and over about how bad the situation is, you could meet together regularly to pray for your friend's husband to come to know Christ. That situation would be dramatically changed if he became a new creation!
On a broader scale, I realize that not everyone has a believing husband who is doing his best to live out God's design for marriage. But in those cases, does their sin, justify our sin in the form of gossip, anger, and tearing them down?
I think you can do more for your friend than simply saying "stick it out, God will help you." Even though it's true, He will help her. Find ways to shower her with God's truth, pray for her faithfully, encourage her to find the positive attributes of her husband (I am sure there are some).
I hope this helps.
Grace and Peace!
Erin
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Just a thought..........
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Also recently purchased Nancy's series Power of Words and I thank God He is changing my heart. I believe God is going to heal my marriage, and I praise Him -- more than I could ever dreamed of.
Thank you for sharing this today and thank you Nancy for the series Power of Words:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/topics/series.php?series=69&topic_name=Relationships
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Katherine said, "Your husband is a part of you. Whenever anyone sees and hears you, they see your husband. Whenever anyone sees and hears him, they think of you. If ever a marital crisis was to happen, you will need your friends to be totally gracing the Throne of God for BOTH of you, rather than reminding you of reasons to throw the marriage away. Do not taint the minds and hearts of your friends, coworkers, congregants, etc. against your spouse."
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 2:41 pm
James Mcdonald gave a sermon on biblical friendship and the core of the message is that 'I am the answer to nothing' for her - Jesus is the answer and that my greatest help to any Christian friend is to strengthen their hand in God and not speak to their flesh but speak to their spirit by employing scripture.
I pray with her and I'm there for her 24/7 but I think the greatest thing I can do for her is to constantly send her meaningful scripture verses to help remind her about his love for her and that Jesus needs to be the center focus in her life. My words have no power, but scripture is powerful, sharper than any 2 edged sword and never comes back void! All I can do to encourage her is to listen to her, pray with her and continually help turn her face towards Jesus.
Positive attributes? She has yet to tell me one.(that's sad isn't it) I will definately ask her.
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I agree! Keep being a good friend.
Erin
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Highly recommend it!!!
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 8:59 pm
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 9:58 pm
on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 10:49 pm
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 7:53 am
This situation has been going on for many years & recently my friend has decided she's had enough. She says she's not where she should be spiritually. But she doesn't want to do anything about it. (I've invited her to several ROH conferences but she's not interested).
After reading your post & all the comments, I've resolved to do 2 things: 1) speak well of my husband when around this friend (it's easy for me to get sucked into a critical mindset at home even though my husband is wonderful). 2) offer again to meet w/ my friend on a regular basis to pray for her & her husband.
Do you have any other advice? Thank you in advance!!
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 8:30 am
God bless from Brenda what a great post.
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 7:05 pm
I've witnessed many women in the ministry that are actually closer mentally and/or spiritually to other men in the ministry than they are their own husbands. They justify this by using the ministry, but it's just not Godly at all. God will punish those who oversteps boundaries and causes others to stumble. The bible is very clear on this matter.
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 10:37 am
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 11:04 am
Loving blessings to you all!
In His love,
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 11:33 am
I just want to say I recently was saved and I am trying to learn and grow in Christ and with my husband and family. I think we all need to remember to take a time out to remind our husbands that we know how much is weighing on their shoulders. I know in my life I do not take enough time to remind him that I am thankful for the strong man that held my hand as I asked the Lord to come into my heart. The man that showed me how love is suppose to be. I cannot help but to think about the woman who doesn't have husbands like most of us. The one that has no one and no where to turn. I'm very happy I have heard this station on the radio. Its very inpowering to know there is a network of strong Christian weman who I can turn to as well as the woman Erin was talking about.
Maybe Erin you should just remind her of the woman who walks on egg shells, who crys herself to sleep at night. That she is lucky and to use her faith in the Lord, talk with him and ask " Is this the way I should speak of my Husband? My equal?"
It may help it, it may not. My husband always tells me Danielle do you want people to think of the way your friends act and talk and think that since you are there that you think its ok . I donot of course but it makes since I had never thought of it that way. Kind of you are what you eat. Thanks Ladies ! Good luck Erin !
on Saturday, July 31, 2010 at 4:24 pm
on Monday, August 9, 2010 at 12:55 pm
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your comment. I just found it, buried in the bottom of my inbox!
I think the steps you've already resolved to take are right on target for helping your friend navigate the waters of a strained marriage. The most important thing you can do is to pray. The Bible tells us over and over that our prayers have tremendous power.
I have found the book of Hosea to have much to say in this area. It is a remarkable story of reconciliation against all odds. I wonder if your friend would be willing to study it with you? Hebrews tells us that God's Word has the power to do serious business in our hearts. God's Word would have a big impact on your friend's heart.
Keep loving on her. Keep praying. Keep pointing her to God's Truth and trust Him to be the Heart Changer in all situations.
Erin
on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 10:09 am