Have you ever seen someone go wrong because he or she hung out with the wrong friend? That’s what happened to the young man in the Proverbs 7 story. The Wild Thing exerted a negative influence on him. When he hung out with her, his standards went right out the window. The Bible says that bad company ruins good morals. Do you and your friends influence each other negatively or positively? In this Girls Gone Wise book blog, you’ll learn about the power of influence and the wisdom of that old saying, “You’re known by the company you keep.”
1. Read the eighteenth point of contrast between a Wild and a Wise Thing (Pages 227-235).
2. Download and complete the Chapter Questions for Personal Reflection.
3. Post your comments on the Blog.
• How can you tell when someone is exerting a negative influence? What are some symptoms?
• What are some common rationalizations that women use to justify keeping the wrong company?
• Describe a time when someone had a positive influence on you. What was it about him/her that impacted you positively?
• What is the best way to exert a positive influence on others?
• What do you need to do to be more wise and less wild when it comes to the influence you accept and exert in your life?
Comments
*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
Thank you for this! My story is a little different and to this day still hurts me deeply. I had a very close girlfriend for years and years. Over the years, I noticed she became a little more controlling and very vocal (negatively) about everything and anything. I wasn't very close to God at the time, but a Christian and she proclaimed to be, but not practicing.
She began to drink more (now we are in our early 40's both single) and she went out a lot, partied, and we traveled and did a lot of things together. I noticed in the last year or two of our friendship that she said and did things that I wasn't really comfortable with.
I then one day meet a wonderful man who is a Christian. He isn't an "in your face" Christian, but he did bring me much closer to Christ and helped me find a new love for Him and want to grow closer. I was quiet about my love for Christ at first, but I am sure I was changing in other ways. (Good ways.) My girlfriend decided very vocally that she didn't like my new boyfriend and that I could do better. I loved my girlfriend with all my heart and my boyfriend never said anything negative about her and even welcomed into his home. I was torn, but in my heart, I knew that this man was true in his heart, and God had placed him on my path.
Right after I got engaged to this wonderful man, my friend stopped speaking to me and never even saw my ring. I mean, she completely cut me out of her life as if I have never lived. I had never had anyone treat me this way. I lost a whole group of friends that I knew through her and the pain was so confusing and very hurtful. She wouldn't email me back or return my calls. We never once had a fight or a disagreement. She just decided that one day that I no longer was a part of her life. I still hurt when I think about that and that was almost three years ago. I have never seen or heard from her again and she lives only 2 miles away.
I am married now, and my husband likes to tell me that sometimes God will do for us what we can't do for ourselves. He said that maybe God knew in His wisdom that my heart and love for this friend was strong, that her influence would have kept me from fully growing closer to other women in the church. Now that time has passed, and I can see more clearly, I know he is right. I would have hung on to the parts of my friend that I loved so much, and I would have tried to justify and excuse the parts of her that was becoming ugly over the years.
It was a very painful experience but has taught me that my walk with Christ isn't always easy, but as I learn to reach out more with new friends (which is so hard at my age) I find more women to look up to learn from. I find myself wanting to be more like a lot of these women and never find myself excusing their behavior. They aren't perfect (thankfully!) but they are good examples of what it looks like to have fun, be joyous, and be goofy, and still have a love and respect for Christ. I have never regretted my growth and love for getting to know Christ and it is my husband who introduced me to Him.
Just wanted to share that sometimes, it takes recognizing that it may be someone in our own lives that is NOT a good influence like we once thought. And like my husband says, sometimes God will do for us what we can't do for ourselves, even if confusing and painful.
Thank you for sharing and helping us to think and learn,
Elizabeth
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 3:41 pm
The closer personally and physically others are to us, the greater our influence over them, and vice versa. Our attempts to influence others doesnt require our conscious intent.We're always exerting influence simply by being who we are, saying what we say, and doing what we do. The only real choice we have in the matter is whether or not the influence we exert is good or bad. You never know who is watching you; and someone always is, whether its your children, your spouse, your friend, your neighbors, a stranger on the street, a parent from another ball team, etc.
We are called to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world (Matt. 5:13, 14),
exercising positive influence by our lives on others.
Often we may want to exercise good influence
on people and our intentions are noble, but the outcome intended could not be achieved because of our human ways and desires. Therefore, there needs to be sufficient quality in our spiritual life and in our life in general because we exercise positive
influence on others not just through the words we speak, but also through the life and power that come forth.
We are influencing others by our lives all the time and God will hold us accountable for the influence of our lives on others. It is important that we learn to exert good influence not just by
the words that proceed from our mouths but what comes forth from within our hearts and the quality and whole direction of our lives.
“Judge not, lest ye not be judged” (Matthew 7:1) is often cited to support the position that it is wrong to judge the conduct of others. The very concept of ethics involves the development of customs and practices that evoke approval from one’s group and those in it, and there cannot be any approval without judgement. Judging the actions of others and communicating that judgement is the way ethical standards are established and maintained. To use the Biblical text in this manner is to make ethical standards all but impossible. Ethics involves the judgement of behavior, which is everyone’s duty in a society. Judging the whole of a person, however, as wicked, or immoral, or good, is beyond the ability of human beings.
With this said, if any of us are involved in any type of relationship with another person (whether that person proclaims to be a christian or not) and we have the potential of being a negative influence on others by ignoring parts of scripture such as "avoid all apearance of evil" then its time we make a change to walk Godly and be a positive influence on others.
So often we make excuses such as "there's no harm in what I'm doing" or "it’s for a good cause” or "its for the Glory of God," or "I dont care what other people think," etc. If there is ANY possiblity that we can be casting a negative influence on others or causing anyone to stumble, we should be obedient and turn from our ways!
So much corruption is going on inside churches these days because it is all based on "religion." People hide behind religion and satan uses these people to corrupt God's children.
A good standard to use in determining if you are being a negative influence on others is to evaluate your friendships. HAve they changed? Have friends pulled away from you that once used to be very close? If so, have you humbled yourself to ask why?
Lets all work together to be the best influence we can be!!!!!
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 4:06 pm
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Many women, especially lonely women, tend to end up in these situations. Its like they know what they are doing is wrong, but the flattery and self-gratification is more than they can turn away. Just keep praying she will be convicted.
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 4:26 pm
On my personal side, before i met my husband i dated a non christian guy, God warned me not to be in the relationship , i was disobedient, my heart got broken in the process, from there i learned my lesson
I am very choosy about people i have in my life, i dont want to hang around people that is bad influences i know the Holy spirit also plays a very important role in this one.
Regards Brenda thanks for ur wonderful post.
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 6:52 pm
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 8:28 pm
But a couple of years ago we went on vacation with them. My husband and I noticed that they were drinking a lot, going back to lifestyle of years before! My friend was also controling and yelled at me while we were on a public beach. It was like she had re-emerged as the non-Christian girl I had known in College!
I ended up being the one to break relationship with her. I still feel guilty for dropping out of her life, but relieved and just sad too.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
on Thursday, July 29, 2010 at 11:58 pm
Oh, I feel for your sadness. Your friend's behavior sounds so similar to the friend I lost due to the same thing. She was the one, however, to cut me out of her life when I met my Christian boyfriend (now husband). Before I was out of her life, she became very snappy with me over silly things and very controlling. I later realized she was "testing" my limits, I think. To see how far she could push me and where my devotion fell (with her or with my "new" way of thinking since I met my boyfriend). I felt torn because I didn't think I had changed that much, but rather, it was SHE that had changed a lot over the last year or so, and not in a good way.
My advice would be to continue to be who you are and continue to love her but on your terms, not hers. Always have an open door and let her feel welcomed. I have found as I have aged that dead silence rings loudly sometimes. When with her, if she says or behaves in a way, sometimes, just silence and not "joining in" can speak volumes without judgment. And sometimes, when challenged and if she asks you why you aren't doing such and such, kindly returning her question with a question, "why do you ask?" can open doors without judgment. And if lucky, and given the opportunity, you may have the chance to let her know how you are concerned about her actions and how they don't seem to reflect the values you two onced shared. Well, that is how I would have handled my friend, if she had given me the chance and not cut me out of her life.
But like PB stated earlier, thank God, you and I both recognize behaviors that we don't want to be a part of instead of joining in. Thank you PB for your comment.
I hope this helps some. I will send prayers your way. I have found losing my friend a very painful and confusing time in my life, but, I will say, when it happened, strangely, I felt a sudden weight being lifted from my shoulders. That, I didn't expect t feel at all. Maybe that weight was the weight of trying to justify my actions and her actions and making sense out of the friendship, which was time consuming and just weighing me down, taking up too much of my time and now I was free to devote more time to positive things. That was a very unexpected gift that I never saw coming.
Again, I hope this gives a little insight to at least how I have dealt with it.
Take care
Elizabeth
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 10:12 am
I like the sayings, "If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem." By continuing in friendship with this person, you are also in sin. We should strive to end friendships without being unfriendly in the process. Many times our paths will cross again with the individuals involved and it is better to be on pleasant terms instead of an enemy. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." This is true, even when we end friendships. My prayer is that you find courage to end friendships when you must and tact to do it as peacefully as possible.
Blessing to all.
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 11:10 am
I reread your comment twice and gave it some thought. I agree completely with what you said about GL stating her position to the friend and sharing her feelings, but I don't agree with turning the friend away because the friend has fallen away. Jesus' had all sorts of people around Him that I personally wouldn't want to hang out with (not that He "hung out" with them, but you get the point).
I agree with you that GL should state her position, share her feelings and in addition to those things, I think she should ALSO let her friend know that her door is always open to her. This does not mean that GL continues to socialize with her, but it does let the friend know that GL still values her, cares for her, and would very much like to share her beliefs with her anytime the friend wants to know more about them or finds that her life isn't what she thought it was and something is missing.
It is a fine line, but as Christians, I feel that our way of living can't be hidden from those who do not do as we wish they would....then how can they ever see another way of living? The friend may choose to completely cut GL out of her life like my friend did to me, but at least the friend has the opportunity to always go back when she discovers her life is missing something and GL may be able to help her when the time is right.
Life is complicated and I guess we do the best we can. I think God always knows our heart and our intentions. He is the best guide of all.
Thank you for helping me to think a little more about others today and how my life can really affect others...very easy to forget at times. :-)
Take care,
Elizabeth
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm
If we continue to be friends and take part in our friend's life, she will not realize the sin in her life at all and may never correct it. In the meantime, we are being brought down to her level.
Thanks for sharing.
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 3:46 pm
tina
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 4:07 pm
An old saying bad company corrupts good character the word of God itselft educated to choose our friends wisely.
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 4:24 pm
As Tina stated, we should be aware of the image we are projecting to others and change our behavior if it is casting negative influence. If we dont change our ways, its a fleshly/worldly desire we have that we are not willing to give up.
Thank you ROH.
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Thank you for taking time to respond. Yes, we do all seem to agree, but seem to be seeing it (or communicating it) differently. Please be aware that I never advised GL to socialize with her friend, but to state her position, her feelings and to let her friend know she is welcomed back should they once again share the same values or if her friend should find herself needing to fill her life with something other than how she is currently filling it.
I just think that we have to be careful of closing the doors on those who may have fallen away but through us, may find their way back - IF - they feel safe enough to seek us out again. If we surround ourselves with Godly people and continue to live in the way that pleases God, then keeping our hearts open to those who may not be living the life that pleases God may someday see something in the way we live our life and see our joy, our comfort, and our peace. And the only way these people will ever see this or experience it at all, is if they have (or at least feel they have) some sort of contact and are not "excommunicated" from our lives completely.
We need to protect ourselves, our reputation, and the way we live for God. But I believe that we not only live for the glory of God for ourselves, but we live it for those who may not know God yet as well.
I may not be expressing my heart and thoughts very well. It is important that we cherish and honor our beliefs, but I trust there are those who are lost and may need a safe place to go to someday to find peace and it would be an honor if that someone decided that it was me who they decided was the "safe one" to go to. That is what am I trying to say, if that makes sense.
Thanks again for your time.
All my best,
Elizabeth
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Thank you for taking time to respond. Yes, we do all seem to agree, but seem to be seeing it (or communicating it) differently. Please be aware that I never advised GL to socialize with her friend, but to state her position, her feelings and to let her friend know she is welcomed back should they once again share the same values or if her friend should find herself needing to fill her life with something other than how she is currently filling it.
I just think that we have to be careful of closing the doors on those who may have fallen away but through us, may find their way back - IF - they feel safe enough to seek us out again. If we surround ourselves with Godly people and continue to live in the way that pleases God, then keeping our hearts open to those who may not be living the life that pleases God may someday see something in the way we live our life and see our joy, our comfort, and our peace. And the only way these people will ever see this or experience it at all, is if they have (or at least feel they have) some sort of contact and are not "excommunicated" from our lives completely.
We need to protect ourselves, our reputation, and the way we live for God. But I believe that we not only live for the glory of God for ourselves, but we live it for those who may not know God yet as well.
I may not be expressing my heart and thoughts very well. It is important that we cherish and honor our beliefs, but I trust there are those who are lost and may need a safe place to go to someday to find peace and it would be an honor if that someone decided that it was me who they decided was the "safe one" to go to. That is what am I trying to say, if that makes sense.
Thanks again for your time.
All my best,
Elizabeth
on Friday, July 30, 2010 at 9:14 pm
I’m so sorry your friend has started walking in the ways of the world again. Surely you are suffering not only the loss of a friendship, but the grief of watching one you’ve loved and discipled seemingly turn away from what is true.
The Lord knows the depth of your pain, dear friend; He shares your sorrow and your desire that this friend would return to the path of righteousness. “Oh turn back, each of you from his evil way, and reform your ways and your deeds (Jeremiah 18:11).”
As you consider how to respond to your friend, reflect on these truths from God’s Word, GL:
• "If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (Galatians 6:1-3).”
• “Have mercy on those who doubt; save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh (Jude 22-24).”
• “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm (Prov. 13:20).”
• “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them (Eph. 5:11).”
• Blessed are those who do not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the path of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers, but their delight is in the law of the Lord ( Psalm 1:1-2).”
You’re wise, GL, to consider how much time you spend with a friend whose lifestyle is not reflecting Jesus. We do become like those we spend time with. Yet, loving a friend means saying the hard things at times. It means loving them enough to ask questions about the lifestyle choices or areas of concern you see in their life – always remembering your desire is not to condemn but to help restore your friend to a right relationship with Jesus and with others.
Keep praying for your friend, GL! Ask the Lord to help you keep a door of communication open with her so you can influence her with the gospel. God is more than able to soften even the hardest of hearts. Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me (Jer. 32:27)?
on Sunday, August 1, 2010 at 9:07 am
I feel very affirmed --this new media of this blog is such an amazing blessing to me, because I have received your thoughts and I feel your love. I have considered your advise and thanks for praying for me.
I will continue to pray for my friend.
I will again send a message to her. I actually wrote to her when this happened telling her my concernes, and I did ask her to respond to my letter, but she never has.
I am sure she is very hurt that I pulled away, and even now doesn't know what to say.I asked her back then if we could have a better kind of relationship, one with more honesty. Please pray for her.
Again, I thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.
on Sunday, August 1, 2010 at 10:48 pm
I have to especially thank the writer who gave me those several scriptures. They were lovely and I appreciated them so much. You are Right! Nothing is too hard for GOD!!! I needed to hear that to have faith to pray for her, my friend, again. I love all of you TRUE Women!! you are wonderful friends!
GL
on Sunday, August 1, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Amen, that we need to be so careful who influences us, and how we influence others. Thank you, Mary, for sharing scriptures and examples from the Bible that illustrate this powerful truth, as well as modern examples.
A couple more examples of Bible characters that come to my mind (though I'm sure there are many) would be Abigail's godly influence upon David (he said, "Blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou ..." 1 Sam 25:33) when she influenced him not to do take vengeance; and Daniel's attempted influence on the ungodly King Nebuchadnezzar (O King ... break off your sins... Dan. 4:27ff). I loved the examples Mary Kassian gave of Esther, Daniel and his friends, and the godly wife of 1 Peter 3 (positive influencers), and of Solomon's ungodly wives (negative influencers).
I also appreciated Mary's point (last full paragraph, p. 230) that we shouldn't think that a sin, like negative influence, is "no big deal" -- here I quote some of her words:
"The fact that Jesus bore our punishment is the essence of the gospel and the great hope to which we cling. But the sad fact is, we often take His sacrifice for granted. We fail to appreciate the seriousness of sin. We fail to understand that a sin like negative influence is a 'big deal.' I hope you're beginning to figure out how much God hates it when people entice others to sin."
* Some symptoms of negative influence are that the influencer will bring out the worst, not the best, in the other person. He/she will influence a person away from what is godly, right and pure, rather than causing them to be more godly. As noted in this chapter of Mary's book, the Pr. 7 woman brought out the worst in the young man's behavior. Solomon's foreign wives influenced him away from wholly following the God he loved so much as a young man.
* Women commonly think they are strong enough to resist ungodly influence; that it won't affect them; that they can influence the other person positively. However, as Mary concludes (p. 233, last full paragraph):
"If you are wise, you will walk in humble dependence on the Lord and avoid people who exert negative influence. You'll recognize that it could indeed happen to you, and that you are not beyond becoming a Girl-Gone-Wild ... not at any stage in life."
* One of my friends has had a positive influence on my prayer life and on my observance of the Lord's day. Because she loves to pray and loves the Lord's day, it has nudged me to be more serious in these areas and experience the joy she does as she wholeheartedly worships God. Her genuineness and consistency has impacted me for good.
* The best way to be a positive influence is to "live it," as Mary has said. To focus on changing our own behavior, on becoming more Christlike, and thus to influence those around us by our gentleness and godly ways. To pray for others and trust God to work in their lives, beyond anything we could ever co.
* I need to be wise in discerning how much time I should spend with unbelievers whom I hope to influence for Christ; I need to understand clearly what the balance is in this area, as I seek to be more evangelistic, yet must never forget the reality of this chapter of Mary's (the power of influence!).
In influencing others, I need to be aware that others are always watching, whether I like it or not. I have a tremendous responsibility with my words and behavior, to be showing Jesus Christ to the world, not my own flesh/self. One thing I've learned is that if I do make a mistake, and apologize for it, that in itself is Christlike behavior and is a way to go forward even though I'm not perfect -- showing others there is hope even if we do miss it (David is a good example of that in the account of him and Abigail I mentioned above).
Loving blessings to you, Mary and sisters in Christ!
In His love,
on Monday, August 2, 2010 at 2:18 pm
This is GREAT Godly advice to women.
on Wednesday, August 4, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I see what the other ladies are saying, but I also understand what you are saying, and I agree with you. Also, it takes "being in that situation" sometimes to understand. I have been there. Someday your friend may need Godly counsel, and if the Holy Spirit whispers to you to be that person, be there!
on Saturday, August 7, 2010 at 12:40 am