You know pornography is a real struggle for guys—even many Christian guys—but Christian women? . . . ‘Fraid so.
Hear more about the problem--and learn how you can be part of the solution!--as I talk with authors Dannah Gresh and Erin Davis.
Get the Flash Player if you can't see this player.
Leave a Comment:
We love hearing from you, and will post your comment as long as it is appropriate, and is written in a tone that is encouraging, edifying, and loving to others. Even then, know that the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts.
Comments
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 9:49 am
Thanks in advance for any advice.
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 11:50 am
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 12:07 pm
If a man struggles with youth he has no business watching over those children. We don't need to be throwing children to the wolves. I'm a newer believer so I don't know if everything I just said was totally biblical but I do believe children need to be cared for and protected from this junk. There's enough of it out in the world.
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 4:52 pm
You're right. If there is sin in a believer's life(whether the person is handicapped or not doesn't matter) and he is in a leadership role then he should step down; it's a part of church discipline. Also if a believer (again, handicapped or not) is willfully involved in sin then he/she should be disciplined by the church which includes relieving him/her of all duties and/or fellowship in accordance with 1 Cor. 5. All sin, not just sexual sin, affects the body of Christ so it is necessary that we are held accountable to one another and help each other where we can (Gal. 6:1-10).
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Am i wrong? it saddens we so much
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Here are some relevant statistics on the subject:
http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php
Beautiful interview. Thank you ladies.
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Thank you for sharing the situation you are facing in your church. I appreciate your desire to honor the Lord and those in leadership over you as you seek to respond in a godly manner to this situation.
In situations such as this, those in leadership are often aware of a number of details that may remain unknown by individuals within the congregation. In light of that I would encourage you and your husband to address any concerns you might have with your pastor or another leader in your church. At the same time, Carrie, be vigilant not to allow this to become a matter of discussion with those who are not in a leadership position.
I would also encourage you and your husband to continue making this a matter of concentrated prayer. Pray for wisdom and discernment for the leadership and for God’s healing grace in the life of this man and his wife/family.
If the gentleman you mentioned is married and you have the opportunity to minister encouragement to his wife, you might mention the resource of Steve Gallagher and his wife who are the founders of Pure Life Ministries (www.purelifeministries.org) Their ministry offers resources and counseling to those struggling with sexual addiction and to their spouses. The Articles for Wives and Testimonies of Wives would be of special interest along with Kathy’s book When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart.
May God use you as an instrument of His grace and mercy in this situation, Carrie.
on Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Our pastor, staff and deacons set up a process or restoration in steps that is still on going (after six years). The congregation was kept informed of the process and progress so that they could pray and adjust in steps.
The whole process has not been easy. Some with abuse backgrounds struggle with grace and forgiveness but we choose to be obedient to Scripture. I am grateful for wise pastor's and deacons who take their job seriously and do the hard things, walk the long road neccessary to honor God. If you would like to share this with your pastors/deacon's so they can see a restoration in action then you can give them our churches website. They can call and speak to the pastor if they like. (myhomecalvary.org)
As to the women aspect. We hold our boys to a standard of purity that we don't hold our girls or women. Thanks for the heads up as to being alert to girls who have this struggle as well. I think it starts with alot of soft porn reading material that we allow our girls in the guise of "romance".
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 7:40 am
I dont think everyone understands that part of repentance is asking for forgiveness, offering a humble apology if needed and then RESTORATION. So many churches overlook the restoration process. During this process, the christian should withdraw from all leadership roles to concentrate on his/her restoration.
The example that comes to my mind in our community is one in which a christian leader was charged with a restraining order on a minor. This man was in his 40's and the girl was 15 years old! The parents were forced to get a restraining order to keep him away from their daughter. During this time, NOTHING changed at his church. He continued in his leadership role and continued to be part of the youth program at our church. Many of our members struggled with this issue. Our pastor took the stand that we needed to allow God to handle the situation and not be judgmental. We lost several members of our church because of this lack of accountability and restoration process.
Today, this same man, without any type of restoration, is continiuing to work with youth age girls (not boys) from his private ministry. I feel that our church failed ourselves and him b/c we did not require restoration. Satan will use him again since he is putting himself in the same position he was in before. By placing himself above reproach, he is setting himself up for such a fall. The leaders within his ministry are setting themselves up for a fall as well.
Thanks for sharing susan and I will pray for your church to continue walking in God's will.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 9:17 am
I understand your heart to reach out to those struggling with sin; that is Jesus’ heart as well. However, in Matthew 18 Jesus also addresses the need / method for confronting sin in the lives of believers.
“If your brother sins go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, taken one or two more with you, so that ‘By the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.’ And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.” Matthew 18:15-17
Praise the Lord your church desires to follow biblical guidelines related to church discipline, Jen.
I'm so encourged by Susan McCurdy's example of how her church handled a similar situation. I think you’ll gain addiional insights into the ways God desires to use this process of church discipline through Holly Elliff’s story. I’ve included a short summary of Holly sharing how God used the principle of church discipline to bring her father-in-law to repentance.
“We have a story like this in my husband’s family because my father-in-law after years and years and years in the ministry and of faithful marriage fell morally, pursued a path that dishonored the Lord.
And his children—my husband and his brothers and sisters—went to the church where my father-in-law was a member, asked that church to go through the process of church discipline. That church did not practice church discipline. And they said, “We don’t do that.”
But we felt that for our family it was important for us to follow the steps in Matthew 18. And there was a point when after repeatedly being confronted Billy’s dad had not repented when our family had to go to dad and say, “We love you. Our heart is to see you restored. But we feel like we have to do what Scripture says. And so it’s not that we will never have contact with you. But if we pick up the phone and call you it’s going to be for the purpose of saying, ‘How’s your relationship with Christ?’”
“Has your heart changed? We will not be sitting around talking about the weather or football games. Our purpose as we have contact with you now is for pursuing redemption. And so as we talk to you dad it’s going to be to tell you that we’re praying for you or it’s going to be to confront you again with what God’s Word says. It’s going to be to extend to you the love of Christ. But we will be calling you to repentance in any contact we have with you.”
The end of that story was that after a long process Billy’s dad did come to the point of repentance. Although it was too late for him to come back to Billy’s mom the Lord restored that circumstance, restored his heart, the heart of the woman he had married, and brought great good out of that very devastating circumstance because he then had a life message.
A few years ago dad went and spoke to all the men and women at Southwestern Seminary and shared with them his life story including the church discipline process as way of warning, as a way of warning them. You know what? You think you will never go down this road but there is no guarantee for any of us that we cannot become blind to truth.
And so his story now is a completed process of Matthew 18, which God intends to happen so that then it becomes a warning to those who potentially would fall into that trap and need to be restored themselves.”
How I pray the Lord will do the same work in the heart of this individual, Jen. Persevere in praying for that he will repent and will be set free from the bondages of sexual addiction. Pray also for wisdom and discernment for the leaders in your church.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 9:53 am
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). My heart goes out to you; I can only imagine the heartache and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s unfaithfulness. I’m sorry you have suffered so. Know that I am praying for you today.
In the midst of your pain remember that the Lord walks with you through every step of this journey. He will not abandoned you, dear friend. But now, this is what the LORD says-- "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior… (Isaiah 43:1-3).
You must choose – minute by minute - to put your trust in the Lord as you walk forward. He will provide the strength and wisdom you need for dealing with this in a way that honors Him. I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go (Isa. 48:17).
I want to encourage you to consider the resources available through Pure Life Ministries (www.PureLifeMinistries.org) Steve Gallagher and his wife are the founders of Pure Life Ministries and offer resources and counseling to those struggling with sexual addiction and to their spouses. The Articles for Wives and Testimonies of Wives will be especially helpful to you as will Kathy’s book When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart.
May Psalm 40:2-3 become the testimony of your life, dear friend. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 10:05 am
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 12:57 pm
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Carmen, NO, NO and NO!!!! There is NEVER a situation where it is ok for a youth aged girl to be alone with an adult man other than her own father........PERIOD! Not only does this ruin his testimony, it ruins the testimony of those that support him. All this does is open up the doors for satan and his team!
I dont know what denomination you are in, but this needs to be addressed quickly. satan can take an inncocent situation like this and turn it into a terminal mess! A God fearing, God loving man would never risk his testimony like this.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 1:56 pm
I can't believe some of the situations that are mentioned in these comments!
No, a person convicted of child sexual abuse should never be alone with children. This does NOT mean he is not a part of the church, if repentant. He can go to church and adult Sunday School and Bible Study and prayer meeting and Men's Fellowship and on and on. He does NOT need to be a youth leader to be "restored!!!"
The recidivism rate for child molesters is almost 100%. For the church to pretend otherwise is a sin against the young members who are dependent upon their care.
Jesus has placed the "little ones" in our care. Will we knowingly place them in danger of abuse, in the name of "restoration?" That is utter nonsense.
Put me down as a Titus 2 woman. Protect your children. That is is your calling.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 3:39 pm
This is an issue I would like to see ROH expand on. I see this ALOT in our area by men that proclaim to be Men of God! The really, really sad part is there are women in these ministries that go right along with this type of behavior from the men! And another point..........WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Regardless of the christian's reputation, there is never a reason a single man should be alone with teens....ever!
Carmen - Please contact your local authorities and make them aware of this situation. I'd be willing to say somewhere in this man's past there has been some type of issue regarding a minor. That is almost for sure 100%. No christian interested in bringing God Glory would have this type behavior and title it "ministry."
This makes me sick.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 3:58 pm
a little surprised, to say the least, at what churches are allowing in leadership positions.
I'm really surprised by the post by paige concerning the paraplegic. It doesnt matter what the physical condition of the body is in; we are talking about spiritually! There are serious issues with a christian man (handicap or not) that thinks its ok to be alone with a teen. Anyone that thinks differently has some very serious issues that need to be addressed
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 4:17 pm
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Praying.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 4:26 pm
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 5:12 pm
However, we women have just as much sin in our lives, whether it be looking at porn or reading books and watching movies that create lust for someone else or dissatisfaction with our husbands, which is also infidelity. The problem is that it's much more taboo in our culture for a woman to have struggles with pornography, so we instead focus on our counterparts.
Let us address our own sins, and also strive to be women who are welcoming and safe for those sisters who have become entrapped in addiction to pornography.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 5:27 pm
It is never wise for a youth pastor (or any other man outside her family) to be alone with a teenage girl. Leaders must be above reproach; their lives reflecting not even a hint of sexual immorality. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people (Ephesians 5:3).
Consider Nancy’s words taken from her booklet “Personal Hedges”
“As I have studied the Scripture, observed others’ lives, and seen deeper glimpses of my own heart over the years, I have come to realize that no one—no matter how spiritual—is exempt from the potential of succumbing to moral temptation. I have also become convinced that any woman can bring about the moral downfall of any man—no matter how godly. This is one area of our lives where we can never afford to
be less than vigilant.”
Please consider downloading a complete copy of Personal “Hedges” (http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/uploads/PersonalHedges.pdf). Although written specifically for women it will help you establish appropriate “hedges” of protection in other situations as well.
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 7:53 pm
You are in a difficult situation – one that requires much prayer and direction from the Lord. If you (and your husband if you are married) have appealed to the pastor and leadership of your church, you will need to spend a concentrated time of prayer and fasting in seeking the Lord’s direction for you. The Lord will direct you. He loves the church and will either work through you redemptively in the situation you’ve described or He will release you to a different church.
I’ve included a link to a broadcast interview Nancy did with three pastors and their wives entitled, Is It Ever O.K. to Leave http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9027. I trust it will be insightful for you.
Praying for you tonight,
Carrie
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 8:54 pm
to add to the already weighty testimony of research and these ladies, this is my own journey through pornography:
http://etimodnar.livejournal.com/231242.html
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 6:11 am
Thanks ROH for a great post!
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 6:51 am
If you have to drive a student somewhere or take them home after youth group, make sure another adult goes with you. NO EXCEPTIONS!
The above two rules, if applied, could accomplish so much to glorify God! Breaking either of these two rules and you are depending on your own desires and are not kingdom focused.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 9:51 am
Embracing grace does not mean I look the other way when a believer or another member of my local church body is living in sin. I also don't get to opt to look the other way when I see it in the mirror. No, it does not mean that I'm sanctified by my works but God himself does have a standard for the Christian life. (Otherwise why would we have the example of a carnal Christian in Corinthians). There is plenty of space for us all to be different in respect to how we live our lives but we do have God's Word and it's very clear on what is sin and what is not sin.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 10:42 am
Give them the wise words that the Lord gives to us and teach them not to be alone with a youth pastor.
We have to teach them what to look out for in a person and what an inappropriate advance looks like, my mother did it for me! God bless her those words saved me into my adult life.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Remember, sometimes it takes strong discipline from GOD, not the church or man to correct a person or to "remove the blinders." Keep praying for the youth pastor and the families he is affecting. He may very well be 100% trustworthy, but that's beside the point when he is ruining his testimony and the testimonies of those involved with him.
God Bless.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 3:21 pm
I do feel lead to encourage any person who has a teen or younger woman come to them and share that she struggles with pornography, and all that goes with it, to encourage her to speak with her own mother or father about this struggle. Offer to go with her to have this conversation. We within the body of Christ often forget that, though parents are not perfect, they are the encouragers, authority, and most intimate love providers who were sovereignly knit to that young woman by God. Yes, come alongside both the parents and young woman, but don't play the role that was intended to be played by that young woman's parent(s). God allows our childrens'/teens' struggles to be the instruments that grow them, transform them into Christlikeness, but their struggles are to help grow the parents, too; the whole family, in fact. Perhaps this would reveal other areas where the family needs to be encouraged or even rebuked. It would be a prideful thing to believe that a stuggle such as pornography is too big for the parents of a teen or younger woman to handle and should be reserved for someone else who is not an authority member of her family.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 4:05 pm
I know several churches that have a policy among the young believers that they can come to them with any problem and they assure them their parents will not be contacted. I could not disagree with this statement more. The youth pastors especially say this is the only way teens will open up about their struggles; but I dont agree with keeping the parents in the dark on such serious issues.
on Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Until all addictions are under control, I believe it is imperative that all positions of leadership be resigned. I think we need this time to focus on God, commit to prayer to void this addiction and our own personal struggle. Only after we conquer ourself should we accept a leadership position to lead others.
I pray for those addictions.
on Friday, August 27, 2010 at 10:39 am
on Friday, October 15, 2010 at 8:44 am
on Sunday, October 31, 2010 at 4:59 am
never give into temptation because its never worth it.
i am now trusting jesus and wont even so much as click on a dirty website anymore.
on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 6:02 am
Now the question is, if God is in your church why does he allow such things to prevail? In Mathew 7:7 its says that if you ask, you will receive, and if you knock, the door shall be opened, and if you seek, you shall find. So why has that scripture not been fulfilled in this addicted peoples lives?
The answer is simple. You must be born again of the water and Spirit (John 3:3-5). Only after you have been baptised (by full immersion) of the water and Holy Spirit will you be set free from such addiction (John 3:5-8). One has to find where God is to find the truth and the truth shall set them free (John 8:32).
If you feel that things are not right in your church, you have to seek God elsewhere. I did the same and now I am free from my problems. I sought the truth and the truth has set me free from alcohol addiction and other social problems.
I was born into the household of a Lutheran clergyman, but I was later baptised into a Pentecostal church that preaches the Good News of being born again of the water and Holy Spirit (John 3:3-5). Now I am free from my problems and I am worshipping God in Spirit and in truth (John 4:24).
The Bible clearly states that if a man wants to be a leader in a church, he must be without fault (1 Timothy 2:1-7). Therefore, a person who has an addiction to ponography should never be a church leader. Period. If a church allows such things to prevail, that is blasphemy at its best.
on Friday, January 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm
on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 2:25 am
We are blessed to hear the post is such an encouragement to you. There is help for your struggle. Consider the resources available through Pure Life Ministries (www.PureLifeMinistries.org ). They have on-line articles and resources that will help you defeat this struggle through the power of Christ in your life.
God bless you, Michelle. God longs for you to have freedom; Christ died to set you free from the schemes of the enemy. (Eph. 6:11)
on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I would like to have this sound bite from the program;
Pornography "No longer a guy's struggle "
Posted on 08.24.10 by Paula Hendricks.
Uploaded onto; Facebook.com/Nathaniel b. nicks for our adult ladies class, and our adult audience.
Thank you and may God bless and deliver many who are entrapped by this destructive obsession.
Evangelist Nbnicks GCCOC
on Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm
on Saturday, September 22, 2012 at 3:17 pm