Yesterday on Revive Our Hearts, Nancy (who’s been teaching through the True Woman Manifesto) talked about “what an opportunity and obligation we have to display to the world the covenant-keeping love of God through protecting and preserving the sacredness of the marriage covenant.” Wow. This isn’t easy, especially in today’s world.
I mean, think about it. A lack of commitment is normal in our society . . . in everything! It's like it’s even expected. Think of how often you hear “no commitment necessary.” Whether it’s a gym membership or an email subscription service, I know that I usually want to know what the terms are for getting out of what I have just signed up for!
Sadly, this is also very true of Christian marriages. Even if you desire to remain committed to your marriage, the reality is that our culture seems to urge you to embrace “your freedom,” encouraging you to abandon your husband—or perhaps even leading your husband to abandon you. What does commitment to marriage look like, then, when you are so devastated and broken? Is it even possible to stay committed when your spouse does not have the same resolve?
We need stories of hope. So, here’s a picture for you of what loving commitment can look like even when a marriage appears hopeless. Here’s what one woman wrote to us here at Revive Our Hearts:
“Nearly two years ago, my husband told me that he had been involved in an adulterous affair with a younger woman . . . that moment began a journey I never expected to take in my lifetime. I have chosen not to divorce my husband, even though he refused to stop the affair for over a year after his initial confession.”
At first glance, this woman’s commitment to her husband might seem crazy, or even delusional. I have to admit that I was even a little taken back as I read her story. Perhaps you’re devastated because your husband has made the decision to leave you, or says that he doesn’t love you anymore. If this is the situation you’re facing, let me assure you that the pain you are experiencing is real and raw, and possibly as deep as one can humanly know. My heart grieves for you—this is not the way it should be. To be sinned against and abandoned is certainly not God’s design for your marriage.
When the pain stings so badly, there’s hope in knowing that God is our compassionate Redeemer. He is able to work in ways and circumstances that literally seem impossible. Read with me one final statement from our friend:
“My journey is not over. My husband and I are in the process of being restored in our marriage. I am truly grateful for what God has allowed for us. I believe He wants to use us together for His glory again someday. Until then, I can only stay bowed to what God allows and continue to rest in His love.”
Remaining committed to marriage can be more difficult than you ever thought possible—especially if you are being forsaken. My prayer for you is that our loving Father will pour his grace over your life in the very midst of this dark valley. His grace is sufficient.
Where are you on this journey? Are you in a circumstance that makes faithfulness difficult? How will you resolve to commit in a culture that gives you freedom to abandon?
Disclaimer: Space does not allow us to address the full range of issues facing difficult marriages. If you are suffering abuse in your marriage, please seek pastoral counsel in regard to your specific situation.
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We love hearing from you, and will post your comment as long as it is appropriate, and is written in a tone that is encouraging, edifying, and loving to others. Even then, know that the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts.
Comments
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 9:01 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 9:14 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 9:15 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 9:29 am
Because I entered our marriage at an early age I thought I deserved time to "have fun". I listened to others and not to God. One day I thought "what do I really want?"....and here I am. God has blessed me with a wonderful man I want to spend every moment with! I give God the Glory for giving me such a wonderful husband and for being in our marriage, our lives, and our family!
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 9:58 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 10:00 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 10:32 am
Please, ladies, focus on God first. OUr hearts are deceitful!! No matter how hurt and broken we are, running away and calling it quits only buries the real issues. They will come up again, and again. And while God is able to heal all our hurts and forgive all our sins, why not let him do it now!! We will come out finer gold!
I am struggling now as my friend is divorcing her husband. It is so hard for me to deal with. She is a christian but she is the one choosing divorce. As a woman who has gone through some of it, I see her mistakes and it is heartbreaking. I am at a loss. I pray for her daily, but it remains a huge struggle for me. I have tried to convince her otherwise but feel like I am the only one in the midst of a crowd telling her she is doing the right thing. To me divorce is never never the answer, but she has convinced herself otherwise. I want to ask, how do I deal with this, and I know prayer is the answer, but it is so hard to stand back and watch. Have any of you gone through this?
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 10:36 am
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 11:02 am
Hold on to Christ. You can count on Christ by standing by your marriage. Another man will not solve your problems. Another man will simply give your husband an easy way out. Perhaps ROH could give you a list of churches in your area where the pastors preach biblically on this issue. Then you could seek biblical counsel. Here, you have a group of likeminded sisters in Christ who hold you up in prayer and support. I will pray for you and the other ladies here who are going through similar things.
Just hold on to Christ. It will be a mystery to your husband. Let him be drawn to the mysterious strength of Christ in your life.
Barbara Gardner
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I ask the same question too...how long must I wait. I too am very lonely. My husband says he isn't in love with me anymore, feels dead inside, etc... He acts like he doesn't even need love anymore and is content with how things are. Bitterness has taken over. It has to be bitterness. I pray God will soften his heart and restore love for me again. I have thought about becoming close to a man that is very kind just to feel something again. It is a very desperate time for us. I'm praying for God to give me strength and guidance.
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 12:23 pm
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm
God can restore your marriage and He can restore that love. It is possible. Don't give in to the tempations of even "friendships" with other men....it will lead to more and you will regret it one day! Don't give in to that temporary pleasure!
Praying for you both!
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Our hearts grieve for each of you who are experiencing the heartache and pain of broken relationships. Please know we are praying for you today.
"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer (Ps. 6:6-9)."
If you’re married to an unbeliever I encourage you to listen to our past series When He Doesn't Believe - Part 1 http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?lid=24092 and Part 2 http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9181. In this interview Nancy Kennedy shares what God taught her through 25 years of marriage to an unbeliever. Nancy offers biblical truth, practical help, and comforting insight.
Sharon –I’m so thankful you are seeking the help of a godly counselor and desire to work through this situation. Your commitment honors the Lord, Sharon. It is vital that married couples establish boundaries to help ensure that the flesh and the enemy are given no opportunity for temptation. Your husband’s friendship with this woman violates those boundaries of protection. Persevere in seeking biblical counsel and those who will stand with you in prayer as you stand against the schemes of the enemy to destroy your marriage.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12)."
Laura - My heart rejoices to know the Lord has given you the strength and endurance you’ve needed to remain faithful to your covenant vows even in the midst of incredibly challenging circumstances. We praise the Lord for what He’s already done and join you in praying that your husband will one day soon respond to the Savior’s love for him. Thanks for giving His hope today!
Millie – I’m so sorry you have endured the pain of your husband’s unfaithfulness in the past. He has violated a sacred trust that is incredibly painful regardless of what the culture says is acceptable. God established the marriage covenant, Millie; He alone has the right to determine the guidelines for that relationship - one man for one woman for life (Matthew 19:4-6). Please take time to read Honoring the Covenant of Marriage as it provides additional Scriptural references and insights into the sacredness of the marriage covenant.
http://www.lifeaction.org/static/uploads/media/pdf/summithandouts/Honoring_Covenant_Marriage.pdf .
You cannot change your husband, dear friend. But through the power of the Holy Spirit you can live a life that reflects God’s ways. You can stand for truth by remaining committed to your marriage vows. You can know the freedom that comes from forgiving even as God has forgiven you. If possible please take time to read the transcripts of Nancy’s past series Seeking Him: Forgiveness http://www.reviveourhearts.com/topics/series.php?series=215&topic_name=Revival. These broadcasts will help you know how to take the next step. I’m praying for you today, Millie.
Chris- Thank you for your commitment to do the right thing...even when it’s hard! You’re living out the gospel, dear friend. You’ve brought the Light of Hope to many today. Persevere!
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds…encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near(Hebrews 10:23-25)."
Sarah – What a testimony! Thank you for loving Jesus and following His ways even when it was hard and your flesh wanted to run. I can’t wait to hear how the Lord uses your life in the days ahead. I know you’ve encouraged many here today! I'm eager to read your blog comment one day telling us your husband has responded to Jesus call!
Persevere with your friend, Sarah. Your life is such an example of the gospel to her. Keep praying… keep loving… keep speaking truth. It is incredibly difficult to see those we love walk contrary to God’s ways. We must allow that heartache to drive us to our knees in interceding on their behalf! God must remove the blinders from her eyes. So keep praying and believing that He will do just that!
Alison - I can only imagine your pain. I commend you both for your faithfulness to honor the Lord and your husbands through these difficult years. If your husband is a believer and you have not done so please engage your pastor and the elders of your church in the process of confronting your husband’s sin biblically by carrying out the steps of church discipline outlined in Matthew 18. Unrepentant sin must not be overlooked or enabled.
Oh, dear friend… on the hard days, remember that your faithful commitment to an unfaithful husband is giving the world a clear picture of Christ’s love for the church. You’ve been entrusted with a high calling in portraying that picture, Alison. Persevere. Allow the depth of the trial to push you into the arms of your Savior – not the arms of another man.
If you’re able take time to listen to Pastor Piper’s two part message Staying Married Is Not About Staying In Love - http://desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/staying-married-is-not-about-staying-in-love-part. May God give you courage and strength as you listen.
Amy –I plead with you not to allow the enemy to gain a victory by enticing you into a friendship with another man. You in a covenant marriage, Amy! Regardless of your husband’s actions you must remain faithful to your husband. It is Christ’s name…His reputation that is at stake. Refuse to be lured by the deception of the enemy. Engage in the battle for your marriage by resolving that “as much as it depends upon you” you are going to honor the Lord by loving and respecting your husband.
I encourage you to take that first step by committing to our 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge - http://www.reviveourhearts.com/challenge/ . God has used this little tool to impact countless marriages across the world. I pray that He will begin that process in your marriage as well.
on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Regards Brenda
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 3:07 am
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 8:53 am
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 8:56 am
Once our testimony is lost, a reputation is built in and it's really hard to break away from that. Its very important for us not to overstep our boundaries as to give others (such as Sarah's husband above) a false message.
How can we teach others if we cannot establish healthy boundaries in our own lives?
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 9:08 am
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Its really hard to teach children in this area when its in their face with people they know and love. I dont want my son to think its ok to hang out with a married woman (without her husband) when he gets older. I know kids remember what they see....more so than what they hear so it really is bothersome.
I try to be aware of how my actions affect others around me instead of getting so tied up in the whole ego thing.
on Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 5:08 pm
on Tuesday, September 14, 2010 at 8:57 am
on Wednesday, June 6, 2012 at 1:05 am
Be assured God has not forgotten you. His Word is always true. We sometimes say it tritely, but there is no triteness about it..."And we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son." (Rom. 8:28-29) Keep looking to Him, Dale. Call on His name everyday. Let Him be the strength of your life. You will find His strength through daily being in His Word and through prayer.
Lead your daughters to look to God. They can grow through this experience to know the Lord more intimately and learn to find their strength in Him in ways they could have not known before. Learn to pray together. Look for ways that He answers and rejoice together.
Never give up on God and think He has forgotten you. When we allow ourselves to go there with our thoughts, we have a tendency to pull away from God. Let Him be your daily help; let Him give you joy again. Joy can come into your life again though it seems so far away. (Ps. 19:7-11)
I am praying for you. Thank you for posting.
on Wednesday, June 6, 2012 at 12:59 pm