This post is written by Stacey Smith.
I remember that day as if it was yesterday when I was told, “You are pregnant.” My immediate desire was to have this child. I actually thought that the love I was looking for would come through this life in me, no matter what kind person I was. When I told my boyfriend about my pregnancy, he did not seem to be as excited as I was. This brought doubt upon doubt about whether or not I should have this child. Then questions began to flood my soul and fears came to me about telling my parents…
You see, I grew up in a home that taught good morals and good values. I knew abortion was not an option in our household. The thread “life is valuable” was not actually stated, but it was woven into the tapestry of our family. However, at the age of sixteen, I became quite confused. Abortion was wrong in my parents’ eyes, until it became their daughter that was pregnant. The reputation of our family and the dreams of my parents were shattered. I was going to be connected to a guy that they knew had no value for me. We sat and discussed the pros and cons of abortion (none of which I could list today because of the relationship I have with God, the giver of life and not the giver of death). Although they did not actually force me get an abortion, I knew that this is what they wanted.
I will never forget going to the abortion clinic and being dropped off. I was so alone. It was dark and cold within me, but probably not near as dark and cold as it was for the precious life that was living within me. I was ushered into the clinic quickly, and then began the procedure of what would burn a memory into my mind and heart that for years I would want to forget. As I walked out of the clinic and into the car, I had no feeling at all. It was as if something had been sucked out of my soul. Nothing else was ever said about it. I began to withdraw with a silent cry inside that I wondered if it would ever be stilled.
I thought that seeing my boyfriend that evening would begin the healing inside of me. That was a lie. Not only was I not consoled, but I found him with a friend of mine. Now there was even more hurt added to my heart. This was a turning point in my life, and I began a lifestyle of using anything to take away the pain. My abuse of drugs increased and my relationships were many, but nothing helped how I was feeling. I thought, “If only I could run away from this pain!”
As I lived life my way and made my own decisions, I found many consequences that would play themselves out for years. You see, if I had not had the first abortion, I would never have had the next four. Abortion became birth control to me. My heart became harder and harder, and the silent cry that was once there faded into a faint thought. Because of the hardness of my heart, I eventually believed that abortion was right.
Then one day I met the Lord Jesus Christ. He drew me to Himself, and I began to see my sin as He sees it. I repented as a sinner and realized that I only did what I did because that is what I was…. a sinner, a murderer, an enemy to God. At that moment in my life I saw that I needed a Savior from my sin that could give me His righteousness in place of my sinfulness. God shone His glorious light in my heart and I trusted Him as my Savior. "For He [God] hath made Him [Christ] to be sin for us, that knew no sin: that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor. 5:21)."
In the days following this new birth into God’s family, while I was in a worship service singing, “Blessed Assurance,” I remember lifting my hands. In my mind’s eye was a neon sign blinking that said “ABORTION.” I dropped my hands and continued to sing quietly. Again I raised my hands, only for the same neon sign to appear in my mind’s eye. I could no longer sing. With my head bowed, I changed my belief that abortion was an option. I now knew it was wrong, and I agreed with God that abortion was no option at all. Having agreed with my Savior, it was as if healing oil was poured from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. That cry from within me was healed forever!
I am so thankful that God not only forgives us, but He wants to heal all those deep hurts that keep us bound, even as believers. Because of this, I now love sharing with others, “One who is forgiven much loves much!” If you find yourself relating to me, please know that God is waiting for you to agree with Him. He is so near to you, and He loves the unborn child. I am looking forward to the day I enter into the presence of God in heaven and get to meet those five children that I did not love or value. It is through the forgiveness of God and His healing power of the soul that I am able to be grateful and joyful for that day to come.
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Comments
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:34 am
Thanks for sharing your story!! You are very courageous to do so. But as for you, you meant it as evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. (Gen 50:20)
Many people will be blessed by your testimony and begin to understand His Truth from the lie that our culture tells us. The lord will use His light in you to shine into the darkness.
Thanks again for sharing!!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:42 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:44 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:49 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:50 am
Thanks for sharing your powerful story. You are right it is good that we worship a forgiving God.
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:53 am
Your story is so much bigger than even this! I hope you share more of it! I had the blessing of seeing you at two conferences this past year. I went to your break-out session on Unpredictable Emotions. It was great!! Thanks for sharing your heart and life with us!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:54 am
I love you, sister!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 10:08 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 10:39 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 10:46 am
Here's a story of a married mom faced with a hard decision: http://princapecos.blogspot.com/2011/01/thanks-mama.html
The mom was my mother, and I'm rejoicing for God's grace in her life, as well!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 11:07 am
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 11:12 am
I am undone. You have written my story. I too had 5 abortions before I came face to face with Jesus. I knew he had forgiven me but it took several years for me to grow to forgive myself. During that time of growth, I was able to confess my past to my husband and children, who by God's grace were also able to forgive me. There are many many women sitting in our churches today hiding this sin out of fear and grief. Only the light of Christ can bring it out into the open where we can be truly free. Knowing we will be reunited with our babies in heaven is an amazing gift. Let us cling to the cross!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Thank you so much for being open about this. It is such joy that our Saviour brings in healing our deepest darkest sins and shame. It has been 8 1/2 years since I found myself unmarried and pregnant and I still, at times, find myself dealing with the painful circumstances. I remember not being able to even walk in the church doors for shame, but today I too, am able to raise my hands in praise. Your story has hit home with me and I praise the Lord for the healing he has done in both our hearts. Please continue to allow God to use this to touch others. God bless you.
Love in Christ, Sarah
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 1:04 pm
I know many read here and do not comment, I hope many read here and pray for others as they see needs. In light of this, I came to ask for prayer. I am not fond of sounding cheesy when I write but I feel quite 'hunted' lately by my past sin, I can not think of any better way to describe it. Things keep happening so that once I get over one thing that brings terror into my heart, another one comes along to laugh that, I felt God triumphed over it (if that makes sense). I wanted to ask for prayer a lot sooner... but again, fear got in my way. My name is Jenny. I deserve punishment for what I did then, it's been over a decade, I don't expect to have 'gotten off free and clear' in this lifetime. I know I am redeemed fully once eternity comes (or death, whichever first). I don't know if God is still punishing me or if this is a trial, if it's a trial, I'm failing. The big sins I committed in life, I committed after I was saved (no, it was not abortion). Please, I am not even sure how to pray anymore, I've been reduced to begging. That is fine, I am glad to be closer to my Father but I know I need to ask for prayer. It isn't good for me to be crying so much around my husband and children (don't worry, I hide it as much as possible but get caught) . I covet your prayers, though it's not likely I deserve them. Thank you, I am grateful for each one.
PS. Thank you for your post today, I hope that you continue to be freed from your past Stacey and I am glad that you have been 'discovered' by 'True Woman' you are therefore, I hope, surrounded by praying godly women!!! Praise God.
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Thank you for being a light and for not only confessing your sin, but for sharing publicly that God heals and forgives, isn't Jesus Christ a truly awesome Saviour! To Him be praise!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 4:15 pm
Be assured, sisters will be interceding in prayer for you dear friend. I want to remind you of a truth you probably know well:
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar . . . " (1 John 1:9-10).
It is so important to recognize the difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the condemnation of the enemy of our souls. Conviction should lead us to repentance and hope. Condemnation fills us with shame, regret, and leads us to hopeless despair.
When convicted of sin, a faith-filled response is to confess our sins and accept the forgiveness for that sin which was secured by Christ's atoning work on the cross. Romans 14:23 reminds us that "Anything that is not done in faith is sin . . ."
By faith we accept, lay hold on, the forgiveness we've received in Christ -- we know we do not deserve His forgiveness, but our appreciation for the work of the cross deepens as we understand that He secured our cleansing, our righteous standing with God, by the work on the cross. This in turn gives us a greater love for Christ (Luke 7:47) -- and the enemy hates anything that causes us to love Jesus more! So, of course he doesn't want you to experience the freedom and love from accepting forgiveness for your sins.
Just as denying we have sin makes God out to be a "liar" (re-read 1 John 1:9-10 above), denying the reality of His work of atonement in securing our forgiveness makes Him out to be a liar and the work of the cross a sham.
When we, by faith, obey the directive from 1 John 1:9-10, we may not "feel" forgiven -- those feelings of condemnation are from one source -- the one who is the father of lies (Romans 8; John 8:44). When we fall under the weight of condemnation, we are believing the enemy's statements about our condition. We fall into doubt, disbelief, under the shadow of confusion and fear -- all indicators of the source.
When that occurs we are to run back to the cross. Remind ourselves of the work of Christ. Apply ourselves to spiritual battle against doubt and condemnation (2 Corinthians 10:3-5) by meditating on truth-filled thoughts while expressing gratitude for His gracious forgiveness (Philippians 4:4-9).
Jenny, it sounds as though the enemy is using your past as a stronghold to prevent you from experiencing true freedom and joy. Don't let him win this victory in your life. Allow others to see the reality of Christ, the beauty of the gospel by walking in the forgiveness you've been given.
It may help to have one prayer-partner who you can ask to pray with you and remind you of these truths when you fall under attack.
We are standing in prayer with you dear sister!
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 4:18 pm
I don't know what burden you're carrying but I prayed for you just now, as I read your request, and I will continue to pray.
Linsay
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 4:19 pm
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 7:18 pm
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Praying for you precious child of God.
on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 9:26 pm
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 2:03 am
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 2:04 am
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 7:13 am
Praying for you.
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 8:08 am
God Bless u it sound so much like me but I hadn't shared but I will tell my story to help hurting people. It was deep rooted now I'm free.
Jenny I will add u to the prayer group so u can forgive yourself cause Jesus already has. Be encourage u can help somebody overcome too.
Nancy may God continue to shower u with blessings if u hadn't obey the call we wouldn't been
on the blog.
Your sister n Christ
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 8:49 am
I just discovered this site as I made a decision to fall deeper in love with my heavenly father and He directed me here....WOW This is to say God bless you all for encouragement and support, I've only been on this site for 10 minutes and I've been tremendously blessed.
Jenny,
There is no condemnation for you and now that you have said it out loud, the devil is already defeated. He reveals to redeem.
Praying for you. Remain in His love
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 8:51 am
Many blessings to you as you share your story! You are truly saving multitudes of lives! In this life but also for eternity!
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 11:17 am
Looking at this story of the beginning of your slide into the lies of satan reminds me of the time that my own daughter came to us & told us of her out of wedlock pregnancy. I was working some of the time in a Crisis Pregnancy Center .....but the first thing that satan did was to bring to me the shamefulness that our daughter had brought to our family.
I had to forcefully refute that thought & bring it all back to the reality of Christ & what He did for us.
I thank my God that He placed a Pastor in our lives that had gone through the same thing...he loved our daughter & showed us compassion....leading us through that wilderness of pain.
We talked & prayed & talked & prayed....giving her the guidance that would be scriptural...not following what our flesh wanted to do.
She turned to the Lord full faced...her heart that had started to become hardened, became soft.
She sought the Lord with tears of Godly sorrow and He in His mercy gave her the answers that she needed. She looked to God on whether to keep the child or give it up to adoption...her hands were open wide. God called her to keep the child and today we rejoice in our grandson
It wasn't an easy job to take on but God is the provider when you walk in His ways.
She is now married to a fine man & has other children..but always in her heart there is the knowledge that "God sees".
A story of love that exceeds for it enriched us all!
on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Thank you for sharing your story.
on Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I happened upon it on the 20th anniversary of my own abortion. God has done great healing in my life, but it has been a painful journey. He has also enabled me, by His grace, to "comfort others with the comfort I, myself, have received from God." Praise the God of mercy that nothing is unforgivable, not matter what satan tries to whisper in our ears. God is good!!!
on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Dearest Kimberly,
Thank you for your loving reply. I do believe I am forgiven for all things, I'm grateful for your reminder, you were correct when you figured I knew this! :) What I suffer from is the fall out of past sins. You see, God forgives but man hangs on with bitterness or thoughts of revenge, sometimes. I believe God to be perfectly righteous and perfectly kind. I also believe that I get precisely what is best for me from Him. His mercy allows me to go before His throne and plead and in the end, enter His Kingdom. What impacts my life is the lack of forgiveness in those whom I hurt. Yes, I did apologize and beg forgiveness and tried to find ways to make it up to them. I say 'those and them' but I mean only two. Everyone else has forgiven me, as best human hearts can. I do pray for these two very regularly. Often I think one of them wants to torture me mentally and on my worst days, I fear they want worse. So, this is what I battle emotionally. The things that person does? They are random and so subtle that sometimes I fear I'll loose my mind trying to fight off thoughts like... was it them? are they trying to make me live in constant terror? or do they just find it hard to let go and move on (are they acting in sorrow or revenge, both maybe?). I am sorry to share more. I share however, so you may now understand why I think I am being punished. God will not be mocked (Galatians 6:7). So, I figure that this goes on because I must pay. Yes, I realize I am confused. I do believe Christ's redemption is, was and will always be perfect, I can't however seem to fit what's going on into... anything clearly understandable. Except the obvious, that sin is rampant in this world and the result of that impacts lives everywhere, not only mine.
To all the sisters who have prayed and to any who've continue praying. I can never thank you enough. If you can, please keep on praying for me, a stranger but a sister. I have been in this mess of terror for over a decade and at times I feel I am free but then there are times like this, where I feel I'm being held under water and am thrashing. I am weary because the battle has felt strong for a while, with renewed effort seemingly, over the last few months. But I post today to tell all who've prayed: The day I posted, my best friend (who's hard to get in touch with) called for the first time in three months and we connected!!! She helps me to bear up under whatever comes, she's godly and kind and her voice and the scriptures she shares always help me gain courage. Also, there have been other encouragements, I believe all to be a result of prayer. God is kind, faithful and merciful, always. To God be the glory!!
God bless you all in your battles.
Romans 15:13
PS I wrote on the day of Stacey's post because I think that suffering from past sin was the underlying subject, also because I was pretty much falling apart that day. I am sorry if I strayed too far from the real topic at hand.
on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 6:38 pm
on Tuesday, March 29, 2011 at 6:20 pm
Unfortunately, there is a source that leads a person to having an unwanted pregnancy, whether a person has relations out of marriage or something. Or media makes it acceptable that having relations outside marriage is fine. People do not understand there are consequences of having relations and how it also affects the man or the father of the child along with family members. I also believe that some men or women may not have a strong relationship with God which maybe one of the reasons why people have relations outside marriage or abortions or have self esteem issues. There is a source or a reason why people have abortions and there is a deeper issue which God only knows.
Even though I am believe a woman has the choice, but abortions should be rare in the world not a growing problem. Children should come from a healthy marriage. The issue is controversial and so is birth control and all.
The meaning of marriage is also changing and people are divorcing a lot too. There are a lot of issues when it comes to marriage, abortions, and all. Again, there is a deeper issue in all that and only God knows for each person who experiences problems. The good thing is God is available for conversation 24/7 and people should go to Him. Only he knows how you feel.
on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 at 12:36 am
Later I felt terrible and really regretted what I had done. When I became pregnant again it was also not planned. I was no way going to have an abortion again even though the father was no good. Another mistake. Just to clear things up, I was not promiscuous at all. I had been with just 2 men. Both I married. I was married to the only one I had ever been with. I married him because I felt since we had been together we should marry. We were both virgins and very young. We did divorce however. We were too young to even know what marriage was about.
When I had my daughter I could not believe how much I loved her. My hear just bursted with love and joy when she was born. She was so beautiful. I also did not understand why my mom thought that my life would be over. I did not even know what real love was about until I had my beautiful daughter. She was my life. When my brother and only sibling was killed I had a horrible time. He was like a child to me because it was always just he and I. I loved him so much. The only one I had ever loved more than my daughter was him. After losing him, my daughter was what kept me going.
So much happened in our lives. I again had to divorce because her father kept stealing and lying. When she was 8 she was molested by a boyfriend of mine and I did not call the police because she did not want me to. I had her checked to make sure he had not violated her because he denied touching her. She was fine. He had just touched her in her private area, but that was still TERRIBLE. There was also issues with that. Also my babysitter's dad got touchy with her shortly after that. It was like she and I attracted perverts to ourselves.
Later my daughter had depression issues when she was a teenager. She also had an abortion after she left home. A year later she was very upset with herself about it. I never told her what I had done because I was ashamed.
My daughter turned to women which was also very hard for me to accept. I told her I loved her no matter what, but I was worried about what God would do. I also have guilt over that because I always believed that her being molested turned her against men. Her father never had anything to do with her either and use to cry about that even though she did not know him. He took off and never gave her a nickel. My own father also would have nothing to do with her and she said he also tried to get fresh with her. This all happened within 2 years to her she was 8 and 9 years old. She was also raped when she was 17, but I never knew about it until long after it happened. She never told me. Her friend told me.
She was beautiful on the outside, but she was very mean and angry most of the time. We would fight a lot.
When she died, I was told she shot herself, but I do not believe it. She was in the army and there are too many things that make no sense. She was starting to do very well, but she was still depressed. Her and I talked a lot and I miss that so much.
I cannot find any peace.
I have so much guilt in my life and I feel like it all started because of the abortion. That is when my depression started.
Now I have the guilt of my abortions, the grief of losing my daughter, her abortion, and so many regrets. Praying and meds have not helped.
I am so ashamed of what I have done. I would hope that anyone even considering abortion could have someone to talk to. If I had not been so ashamed, maybe I would have my daughter AND a grandchild right now. Now I have no children and I will never have grandchildren. Never be an aunt either because my brother is also gone and never had children. He had never even got the chance. I really doubt if my daughter had had my support she would not have had an abortion either. IF she did kill herself, I think having a child would have prevented that because she would have loved that child too much to ever leave it.
Please pray for me to forgive myself and PLEASE pray for God to forgive my daughter. I was not a good enough person. She needed me and I was not there. I loved her so much that I drove her away. I was always worried about her and she said I was too strict on her.
Sorry this was so long. I am slowly losing my mind. This is eating away at my heart and there is not much left. I have a great husband and I am letting him down because I am so depressed.
I raised my daughter alone and I am alone again in my heart. Everyone I have loved the most has died tragically.
I am scared all the time to even care about anyone. When I do.....they die.
on Monday, June 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I pray for you and I want to say talk to God. You can take a picture of him that you may have in your home or a statue or anything that you have or even google a picture of Jesus or God. You go into your room and talk to God by looking at his picture or statue telling him how you feel. Release everything from the pain to everything that is inside you to Him and ask for his help.
When I went through my struggles and pain of 9-11 I did talk to God releasing all my feelings and thoughts no matter how negative they would be. I knew that God knows everything so I told everything to God without any fear. I talk to God everyday and pray to Him. I view God as my best friend and talk to Him normally like I do with people. It really helps a lot! Try talking to God and don't keep it bottled up.
Also you may want to do something that will help you move on. For 9-11 I gave donations for the memorial. I felt good and it helped me move on. You may want to do something that will honor your loved ones like donations to a cancer research hospital, or you volunteering at a hospital or soup kitchen or planting a tree. Anything to help you. Volunteering weekly at your church, animal shelter, soup kitchen, or hospital or wherever will aid in the healing process. Try It for 2 months see how it goes. I pray for you and know that God is with you. God wants you to know that he wants to talk to you and develop a deeper relationship. He is the Most Beautiful Man in the Universe. He also forgives you.
on Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 1:39 am
You have indeed suffered much loss. My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to find a strong evangelical church to plant your life and grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus. That is where our help comes. The church is God’s provision for us in this day for the edifying and building up of the saints. There you will find grace, wise counsel, instruction in the Scriptures, accountability and the opportunity to worship. Immerse yourself in the teachings of the Scriptures with a group of fellow believers. There your heart will find solace, peace and freedom from the fear.
God bless you.
on Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm