This post is written by Stacey Smith.
I remember that day as if it was yesterday when I was told, “You are pregnant.” My immediate desire was to have this child. I actually thought that the love I was looking for would come through this life in me, no matter what kind person I was. When I told my boyfriend about my pregnancy, he did not seem to be as excited as I was. This brought doubt upon doubt about whether or not I should have this child. Then questions began to flood my soul and fears came to me about telling my parents…
You see, I grew up in a home that taught good morals and good values. I knew abortion was not an option in our household. The thread “life is valuable” was not actually stated, but it was woven into the tapestry of our family. However, at the age of sixteen, I became quite confused. Abortion was wrong in my parents’ eyes, until it became their daughter that was pregnant. The reputation of our family and the dreams of my parents were shattered. I was going to be connected to a guy that they knew had no value for me. We sat and discussed the pros and cons of abortion (none of which I could list today because of the relationship I have with God, the giver of life and not the giver of death). Although they did not actually force me get an abortion, I knew that this is what they wanted.
I will never forget going to the abortion clinic and being dropped off. I was so alone. It was dark and cold within me, but probably not near as dark and cold as it was for the precious life that was living within me. I was ushered into the clinic quickly, and then began the procedure of what would burn a memory into my mind and heart that for years I would want to forget. As I walked out of the clinic and into the car, I had no feeling at all. It was as if something had been sucked out of my soul. Nothing else was ever said about it. I began to withdraw with a silent cry inside that I wondered if it would ever be stilled.
I thought that seeing my boyfriend that evening would begin the healing inside of me. That was a lie. Not only was I not consoled, but I found him with a friend of mine. Now there was even more hurt added to my heart. This was a turning point in my life, and I began a lifestyle of using anything to take away the pain. My abuse of drugs increased and my relationships were many, but nothing helped how I was feeling. I thought, “If only I could run away from this pain!”
As I lived life my way and made my own decisions, I found many consequences that would play themselves out for years. You see, if I had not had the first abortion, I would never have had the next four. Abortion became birth control to me. My heart became harder and harder, and the silent cry that was once there faded into a faint thought. Because of the hardness of my heart, I eventually believed that abortion was right.
Then one day I met the Lord Jesus Christ. He drew me to Himself, and I began to see my sin as He sees it. I repented as a sinner and realized that I only did what I did because that is what I was…. a sinner, a murderer, an enemy to God. At that moment in my life I saw that I needed a Savior from my sin that could give me His righteousness in place of my sinfulness. God shone His glorious light in my heart and I trusted Him as my Savior. "For He [God] hath made Him [Christ] to be sin for us, that knew no sin: that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor. 5:21)."
In the days following this new birth into God’s family, while I was in a worship service singing, “Blessed Assurance,” I remember lifting my hands. In my mind’s eye was a neon sign blinking that said “ABORTION.” I dropped my hands and continued to sing quietly. Again I raised my hands, only for the same neon sign to appear in my mind’s eye. I could no longer sing. With my head bowed, I changed my belief that abortion was an option. I now knew it was wrong, and I agreed with God that abortion was no option at all. Having agreed with my Savior, it was as if healing oil was poured from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. That cry from within me was healed forever!
I am so thankful that God not only forgives us, but He wants to heal all those deep hurts that keep us bound, even as believers. Because of this, I now love sharing with others, “One who is forgiven much loves much!” If you find yourself relating to me, please know that God is waiting for you to agree with Him. He is so near to you, and He loves the unborn child. I am looking forward to the day I enter into the presence of God in heaven and get to meet those five children that I did not love or value. It is through the forgiveness of God and His healing power of the soul that I am able to be grateful and joyful for that day to come.