Call me crazy, but I do not believe in pursuing guys. Does it sound like I’ve lost touch with reality? Trust me, this has—and continues to—require a huge amount of faith on my part. It’s not natural to me. But, after a whole lot of heartache doing things my way, I have slowly—very slowly—begun to give God control of my love life. And today and tomorrow, I want to tell you why. Are you ready for this??
1. It’s not the way. Just as God wired us women to want to be pursued, God wired men to want to pursue!
Isn’t that great? God’s way is beautiful. Take figure skating as an example:
“[The man] leads [the woman] onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw, physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling, and catching. She complements his strength with her own—a more diminutive and more attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed, and balance. His focus as the head, or leader, is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes responsibility for the two of them, and she trusts his leadership and delights in it” (John Ensor, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart).
I may not know you personally, single woman, but still, I know you. Deep down, you don’t want to romance a man. You want a man to romance you! You want to be swept off your feet. So, do it! Sit back, relax, and wait to be pursued, wooed, and won!
2. I’m not actually waiting on a man to pursue me, I’m waiting on God.
Whenever you’re feeling frustrated over how long it is taking a guy to notice and pursue you, remember that God is in control of timing, of this guy’s heart, of everything:
Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Notice that because of God’s favor, the man finds the woman, and not the other way around.)
Similarly, Proverbs 19:14 tells us “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”
“The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will” (Prov. 21:1).
If the Lord can move the heart of the most powerful man in the land, he can turn any man’s heart!
3. I want a man to prove through his pursuit that he is a godly man who will lead and love me well after marriage.
Let’s just imagine that you do capture that special guy’s attention. You begin dating, and then he pops the question. Before long, you’re a wife! Now what?
Well, Ephesians 5:22-33 says that as a wife, you are to submit to your husband as to the Lord. The question is, have you modeled and practiced a different pattern in the months or years leading up to your marriage? Did this man lead and pursue you, or did you pursue him? Don’t wait until marriage to hand over the reins of leadership. It won’t work well. Start now, and wait for him to step it up and pursue (or not).
4. I am already loved completely and unconditionally by the greatest Man who ever lived!
What does this have to do with whether I pursue a guy? Everything! I no longer have to search for love or seek to find my worth in a man’s desire for me. In fact, God tells me to guard my heart above all else, because everything I do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). His love is enough for me.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).
“How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you” (Psalm 139:17-18).
“God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:8-10).
5. I don’t know what is best for me, but God does!
How many times have you set your sights on a man, only to realize later that he is totally wrong for you? I’m afraid I’ve done that more times than I care to count! That’s because:
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).
“Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way” (Proverbs 19:2).
God, on the other hand, knows the hearts of all men (1 Kings 8:39b)! You can trust Him to lead and protect you, even when you don’t realize you need protecting.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Whew! This is getting long, and I’m just getting started! Check back tomorrow for the final four reasons I won’t pursue a man—and don’t recommend you do, either.
In the meantime, does this sound totally c-RAZ-y? Why or why not? Have you—like me—been the initiator and pursuer with guys? How has it worked for you?
Leave a Comment:
We love hearing from you, and will post your comment as long as it is appropriate, and is written in a tone that is encouraging, edifying, and loving to others. Even then, know that the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts.
Comments
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:24 am
Even if I had never gotten married God's plans are far grander than anything we could ever think of!!
Heather
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:27 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:32 am
I've gone the road of initiating and pursuing and reaped the heartache. The Lord graciously comforted and reminded me that it is not His way. Like you said, we aren't supposed to be the initiators. And if we want husbands who lead in marriage then he needs to be the one initiating in the dating/courting time before marriage.
The older I get the harder it is some days to "wait" and trust. I want to remind the Lord how old I am. Ha ha. But I know, according to the Truth in His Word, that He has His best in mind for me....whatever that looks like. If I want my life to be lived for His Glory then I must trust Him and wait on His perfect timing.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:33 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:37 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:45 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:47 am
What I struggle with is the traditions we've been taught vs. the biblical examples we are given in Scripture:
Adam was sound asleep--he never pursued Eve, and maybe she even awakened him with a, "Hey handsome!" ;) God could have created her, and then created a game of hide & seek for Adam to pursue her, but He didn't.
For Isaac and Rebekah, 40 year old Isaac did nothing but wait... yet God arranged their marriage.
Jacob pursued Rachel and got Leah in the bargain.
Boaz was a really great guy, but Ruth proposed to him--threw herself at his feet, actually.
She didn't wait for him to propose, and she was obviously a very godly, noble woman--a matriarch in the line of David and Jesus.
Esther was chosen by the king out of several hundred women.
In Song of Solomon, the beloved is the first one to speak, basically saying to her lover "Kiss me!" "Pull me close" "I will run after you! Where do you feed your sheep? Why should I go where the other guys are? (i.e. I want to spend time with you.) Your name is like perfume poured out and that's why all the girls love you".
Maybe I am wrong. I pray that God will make my heart tender toward Him so that whether He wants me to be a Rebekah, Rachel, Esther, or Ruth, that I will obey Him and follow His leading "walking humbly with my God" (Micah 6.8)
The verses you have chosen are excellent, and most of them can be directed to and applied to guys as well as to women...their hearts are also deceitful, and must trust in the LORD. They are also loved with an everlasting love. And their desires without knowledge are equally problematic.
We are loved by God, and we are told "if with all your heart you truly seek Me, you shall ever surely find me". "You shall seek for Me, and find Me, when you seek for Me with all your heart".
The thing I have come back to again and again, is if we are walking in obedience to God, and commit our ways to Him, He will direct our paths...including in relationships...Ruth style or Rachel style.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:52 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:03 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:11 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:16 am
I'm worried that women who have been hurt by pursuing men in the past will use what you've said here as excuses to sit back and wait instead of acting. To the women who have been disappointed in the men they've pursued, don't give up! There is a man out there that God has prepared and is preparing for you; prayerfully get out there and find him!
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:32 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:33 am
God Bless!
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:35 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:36 am
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 10:44 am
I am not advocating pursuit nor am I condemning pursuit. I am advocating humility and obedience to God in the unique path He puts you on.
Obedience and humility before God are top priority. Prayer, diligently reading Scripture, and godly counsel from wise people (i.e. parents) who know and love you is essential. "In a multitude of counselors there is safety" the Proverbs tell us.
The Scripture doesn't present a one-size-fits-all prescription for relationships. God uses many different methods in bringing people together--as different as Rachel is from Ruth.
The key is not whether we should or should not pursue, but whether we are godly women pursuing righteousness, humility, holiness, and obedience to God.
Ruth took huge risks, emotionally and physically (she could have been harmed out on the threshing floor at night). She followed wise counsel, but ultimately her heart and future were on the line.
Rachel took no risks.
Were either of them wrong?
The point is, walk humbly with God and let Him lead you to either wait quietly, or initiate boldly with true humility. Arrogance has no place in this path. Ruth had no idea how Boaz would react. She trusted God and took risks. She wasn't a victim--and if he had rejected her, she was apparently ready to accept consequences.
Rachel may not have had any say in her marriage...as is indicated in the fact that her older sister was first given to Jacob deceptively. We have no idea how her heart was feeling/what her emotions were.
I am not a feminist, and I do not agree with their philosophy of relationships.
At the same time, I also want to honestly face the relationship examples that we are given in Scripture...not try to make them fit our religious traditions.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 11:05 am
I was just inspired to read one of my 1st blog posts because of you sharing your heart, thank you. God reminded me once again of one of the prayers I've prayed. He is so good and faithful. This is still my hearts desire. I need another trip to France to see my friends. They since had their 2nd child.
God gives perfect gifts!
~Shannan Parker
http://shannanparker.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/exposed-written-while-in-france-9222009/
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I was just inspired to read one of my 1st blog posts because of you sharing your heart, thank you. God reminded me once again of one of the prayers I've prayed. He is so good and faithful. This is still my hearts desire. I need another trip to France to see my friends. They since had their 2nd child.
God gives perfect gifts!
~Shannan Parker
http://shannanparker.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/exposed-written-while-in-france-9222009/
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 1:12 pm
As we pray for Godly husbands, let us never forget that we have an already unconditional love that can never be matched.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm
We as women need godly, God- fearing, men who will take the initiative and display Biblical manhood that is preached in scripture. Thank you for writing this. I anxiously await tomorrow's post :)
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:26 pm
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 9:54 pm
My husband and I took turns "pursuing" each other. We are both very reserved people, and he says he was very encouraged by my ability to come up and talk to him and relate to him as a friend. I wanted to let him know I was available and interested, and we would take turns calling each other and setting up dates and even paying for them!
It has all worked out so well for us, and I just want to advocate the idea that what might work great for one couple's personalities might not work well for another. I personally don't like to feel that I'm not contributing equally to the relationship, and we have discussed how we would both hate if he always took the lead. It's a lot of pressure for a man, especially one who is naturally more reserved and really desires the woman's input, if she forces him to make lots of decisions all on his own. I love knowing that he desires and values my opinion.
And what woman really wants a man who leads all the time, anyway? I want to be able to take leadership in my areas of strength, too. I think that's how a marriage should work, anyway-- both people deferring to the other in their respective areas of strength, so why can't that happen in a dating relationship, too?
I'll admit I'm not the traditional romantic type-- I don't want fancy dinners that he's planned all by himself, and I'm not really big on gifts or surprises. If I want something, I try to communicate that to him, and I consider a romantic night out to be a coffee date where we discuss one of our three favorite topics: theology, politics, and gender issues.
Those are just my thoughts on the topic. At any rate, I applaud your sincerity and found your post quite interesting.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 11:11 pm
I do believe that men should pursue the women the verses you provided seemed evidence enough for me, not to mention I dont really think that men daydream all day about a woman coming and sweeping him off his feet. And truthfully when it all comes down to it if God wants the woman to pursue then He will guide her and if He wants the man to pursue than He will guide him.
on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 11:59 pm
My husband and I took turns "pursuing" each other. We are both very reserved people, and he says he was very encouraged by my ability to come up and talk to him and relate to him as a friend. I wanted to let him know I was available and interested, and we would take turns calling each other and setting up dates and even paying for them!
It has all worked out so well for us, and I just want to advocate the idea that what might work great for one couple's personalities might not work well for another. I personally don't like to feel that I'm not contributing equally to the relationship, and we have discussed how we would both hate if he always took the lead. It's a lot of pressure for a man, especially one who is naturally more reserved and really desires the woman's input, if she forces him to make lots of decisions all on his own. I love knowing that he desires and values my opinion.
And what woman really wants a man who leads all the time, anyway? I want to be able to take leadership in my areas of strength, too. I think that's how a marriage should work, anyway-- both people deferring to the other in their respective areas of strength, so why can't that happen in a dating relationship, too?
I'll admit I'm not the traditional romantic type-- I don't want fancy dinners that he's planned all by himself, and I'm not really big on gifts or surprises. If I want something, I try to communicate that to him, and I consider a romantic night out to be a coffee date where we discuss one of our three favorite topics: theology, politics, and gender issues.
Those are just my thoughts on the topic. At any rate, I applaud your sincerity and found your post quite interesting.
on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 9:50 am
on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 9:55 am
on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm
on Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm
on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 12:00 am
on Thursday, March 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm
like in the Bible says Psa 37:5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
Doesnt matter that all your friends are getting married and you are still a single without a boyfriend or anything... it doesnt matter its on GODīS timing NOT ours!!!!
And I also agree that the MAN is the one who should do the pursuing. Its disgusting how some girls flirt with boys ALL the time and try to get them to notice them:s
on Friday, March 11, 2011 at 11:18 pm
Men don't like being "caught", that's why they tend to run away from such realtionships. Because it's not natural. But God's way is the only healthy way.
on Friday, March 18, 2011 at 5:59 am
on Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 12:28 am
on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm
I can't leave God! He is what I have been looking for in a Man. His love is what I want from a man. So it makes no sense for me to leave what I have been looking for. Now, it's all about surrender and waiting on him. If God intends for me to have a spouse, then He will provide one for me that is far better than what I have ever imagined. It is truly about trusting in him and being surrendered. All I want is to do God's will and if this guy is not apart of His will, then I am Ok. No...I'm not...this is still new...but...I will be. It will take time to be fully surrendered. But How can I not love the God who first loved me...enough to give up his one and only Son...for me!
Thanks again for this post.
on Thursday, July 28, 2011 at 10:14 am
on Friday, August 12, 2011 at 9:57 pm
We are so glad to hear this post was especially meaningful to you. I pray, even now, that as you surrender yourself to Him, He will give you grace and peace. You are so right; He is worth our full devotion!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.: Jeremiah 29:11-13
Blessings to you, dear Betty, as you surrender your heart and life to the Savior--who gave His life that you might have abundant life (John 10:10)
on Monday, August 15, 2011 at 10:47 pm
on Wednesday, August 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm
on Thursday, January 26, 2012 at 2:29 pm
on Saturday, February 25, 2012 at 3:00 am
on Monday, March 26, 2012 at 11:17 pm
i wish God can bring my husband today.
on Monday, May 21, 2012 at 6:24 am
on Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm
on Monday, September 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm
on Tuesday, September 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm
I've been there, and I've tried to re-open a door that I thought I had mistakenly shut. Funny thing was, later I realized that it really wasn't me who had shut the door after all. It had been God. Revelation 3:7 refers to God as the one "who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens." I will pray that He (Your Protector) will do this for you, and that you will rest in Him, the God whose way is perfect, who acts as a shield for all those who take refuge in Him (Psalm 18:30).
Blessings,
paula
on Tuesday, September 11, 2012 at 4:37 pm
on Monday, September 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm
Gee, that sounds fair!
on Thursday, November 22, 2012 at 11:11 am
A great list for the "worth" of a woman displayed is found at this link: http://www.girlsgonewise.com/what-do-men-really-want-in-a-wife/.
God bless you.
on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm
on Saturday, December 8, 2012 at 6:15 pm
on Sunday, December 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm
There is no proof God exists, nor will there ever be. God is fiction. God is dead. "Religion is the opiate of the masses" -Marx
Religion embodies the antithesis of critical thinking. Critical thinking, for your information, has resulted in all the technological and scientific progress this world has seen (including the internet, which has allowed you to share this unpalatable nonsense). Alluding to "God" has not.
Completely lacking in reason and substance, I find it insulting you would publish such garbage. Please go back to living under a rock and do us all a favor of not breeding so you don't pollute the genepool with your religious drivel.
on Sunday, January 13, 2013 at 2:47 pm
I'm glad you posted here, even if you strongly disagree with what I wrote.
You don't believe God exists because He can't be proven. What about love? Do you believe in it?
Curious,
paula
on Tuesday, January 15, 2013 at 9:25 am
If any here have gone astray, it was not the failure of a man, but your own sin at pursueing the wrong type of man.
on Tuesday, April 2, 2013 at 12:35 am
on Tuesday, April 2, 2013 at 12:54 pm
on Sunday, April 28, 2013 at 12:41 pm