17 comments

Nancy Leigh DeMoss

"I Can't Forgive Myself"

Posted on 04.01.11 by Nancy Leigh DeMoss | Twitter: @NancyDeMoss

Whenever I speak on the subject of forgiveness, invariably someone will tell me, “I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.” Interestingly, the Bible never speaks of the need to forgive ourselves. But I think what many of these women are really saying is that they have never been able to feel forgiven for what they have done. They are still carrying a sense of guilt and shame over their failure.

Though they know that God can forgive them, deep down they do not believe they are truly, fully forgiven. They find it difficult to accept God’s mercy and forgiveness. They feel that in order to be restored into favor and fellowship with God, there is something further they must do to atone for their sin.

The problem is that a lifetime of “good deeds” is not sufficient to deal with the guilt of even one sin against a holy God. Like a stubborn stain that no dry cleaner can remove, sin makes a stain that cannot be washed away by any amount of human effort. There is only one “solution” that can deal with the guilt of our sin—the blood of Jesus.

“My sin isn’t really that bad,” and “God can’t forgive what I have done”—the truth about both of these lies is revealed at Calvary. In Psalm 85:10 (KJV), we find a beautiful description of the Lord Jesus and what He did for us on the cross:
“Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.”
At Calvary, God’s mercy and love for sinners and the truth of His holy hatred for sin found a meeting place. At Calvary, God heaped upon Jesus all the punishment for all the sin of the world. At the same time, He offered peace and reconciliation to sinners who had been estranged from Him. The cross shows us in the starkest possible terms what God thinks of our sin; it reveals the incredible cost He paid to redeem us from those “weaknesses” that we trivialize in our minds. The cross also displays in brilliant color the love and mercy of God for even the “chief of sinners.”

Adapted from Lies Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Copyright 2001. Published by Moody Press and used with permission.  


Comments

  1. Grace, Grace, God's Grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within...grace that is GREATER than all our sins.
    posted by Elveria
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 8:44 am
  2. I feel like that sometimes that i have not been forgiven,but i continue to hope and read my bible everyday.Thank You for this!
    posted by Jennifer
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 11:51 am
  3. Thank you Nancy for speaking the truth. it is a myth that we "need to forgive ourselves." We need to instead reckon ourselves dead to sin and alive to Christ. We need to bask in the sure promise of our forgiveness based on the finished work of Christ on Calvary.
    chosenrebel.wordpress.com
    posted by Marty Schoenleber Jr
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:42 pm
  4. So, how do you then actually _deal_ with the feeling that you are not really forgiven? I am in need of an answer... :-(
    posted by Helen W. J.
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm
  5. Helen, it is a matter of faith, not feelings. If you have trusted Christ for salvation, trust him to have washed away that sin that is nagging you. Believe God's word when it says "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

    There are so many other wonderful promises in God's word. Whenever those feelings come back, claim the promise. I believe your feelings will eventually follow your faith.
    bfl.org
    posted by Michele Shoun
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 2:12 pm
  6. Helen,

    Meditate on the truth that you are forgiven. Here are some great verses to meditate on.

    Psalm 103:12
    Hebrews 8:10-12
    1 John 1:9
    Isaiah 44:22
    2 Chronicles 7:14

    I have dealt with shame and guilt and fear of unforgiveness in the past. It is crippling. I believe that satan wants us to believe that we are unforgiven and keep us in that crippled state. If I believed every thought that popped into my head I would be a mess. Instead, we must focus on the truth, namely God's word. Dwell on it and you will begin to believe it, no matter what it is, good or bad. Too long I worried what other people thought, but God is not other people. He is Almighty and is able to heal the guilt and shame caused by past sin, but you have to allow him to do so, you have to believe that He is able.

    Praying for you.

    Sarah
    posted by Sarah
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 2:23 pm
  7. Thank you, Michele and Sarah. I have my work cut out for me... (lots of stubborn memories to deal with)
    posted by Helen W. J.
    on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm
  8. Thank You God and thank you Nancy for this post on forgiveness. I'm struggling right now big time as it seems if all 3 of my grown children can't forgive us for the terrible job we did as parents. In my head I know that when we confessed and repented of "messing up" as parents, we were forgiven by God. Right now my heart hurts. I will, however, meditate on the suggested scriptures in this post. Saints of God, please pray for us [me especially since my husband doesn't seem to be struggling as much]. Thank you.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Saturday, April 2, 2011 at 1:12 pm
  9. Today is 2Apr11. I have started over in my life. I am the 'mess' that is being spoken of. I am broken with nothing left to give. When I read this, and cryed over my life, and confessed my sin to my sister in Christ, God used her to speak love into my heart today. God does forigve us. That no matter how bad we have messed up, how hurtful we have been, that He still is persuing us as daughters in Christ to be godly women in His Kingdom. Today I am retaking my grounds as a Christian. I even baught a ring to remind me that "I am a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come." I claim this day in history that I am not who I was yesterday and refuse to live in the sins as I have in the last 7 years. Its OVER! Thank you Jesus for Your unfailing love and forgiveness and that You believe in me somehow. AMEN!
    http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1662
    posted by Tonya Wagner
    on Saturday, April 2, 2011 at 11:55 pm
  10. This is so true. I too struggle with this. Just this morning I spoke with a sister in Christ about having assurance that I really belonged to the Lord. I pray for assurance alot...not because of Him but because I see so many faults in myself and how far, sometimes, I am away from what I'm supposed to be. I keep praying though. God is a rewarder of those that diligiently seek Him and if I'm there yet, I will get there because He said I would. Pray for me. I really want to do His Will.

    So thankful for ROH and TW, you have taught me to pursue truth and not feeling. I desperately needed that. God bless you all...Jodi

    PS...I was cleaning the other day and found a white handkerchief....guess what I thought about...I suddenly felt the urge to start waving it and say "Yes, Lord". LOL...you guys are rubbing off on me.
    posted by Jodi C.
    on Monday, April 4, 2011 at 3:16 pm
  11. I am forgiven. I am made new. I am pure and lovely in the sight of my God. He loves me and made and wants the best for me. He is my Father and my Saviour and my Friend. He is the only one the matters when it comes to the thoughts of who I am. This is hardest thing that I had to overcome. It has taken me seven years to get to the point where I don't need the forgiveness of others and don't care what others think of me even my husband. I spent the first few years of my marriage rebelling from God and my faith but since I grew up in a Christian home God was never far from me. He watched over me and my mother and grandmothers prayers to Him kept me safe through my darkest hours. It took time to truly claim and believe the promise that I am Forgiven. I am a child of the Most High God. That will never be taken away and God will use whatever I have done in my past for His purpose in the future if only I give my life fully to Him. It takes time but just keep remembering He forgives and it is the only forgiveness you really need because He covers all of your mistakes for you with His blood. I claim the promise that He is my Father and has forgiven me. I am no longer who I once was.
    posted by Arielle
    on Monday, April 4, 2011 at 8:52 pm
  12. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for sharing the burden of your heart with us; I’m sorry your children are not yet willing to extend their forgiveness and embrace the work God is doing in your life. We are praying for you!

    Your past is forgiven, dear friend; it is covered in the blood of Christ. Don’t embrace the accusations of the enemy or replay the deeds that have been removed from you as far as the east is from the west. If you have sought to clear your conscience with your children you can rest knowing the Lord is at work. Give Him time to work in their hearts… even as He is so clearly doing in yours. Cry out to Him continually on their behalf; plead His promises before the Throne of Grace and wait with eager anticipation to see how He will move! He is always faithful!

    I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD (Ps. 27:13-14).
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm
  13. Although my shame is in the back of my mind (because there are these constant reminders) I have forgiven myself as I know when I asked God to forgive me HE did. My issues is now working on not making the same mistake twice. I been heavy into the Word.. focusing my mind, soul and heart on GOD. I'm praying hard ladies... I love the Lord and our personal relationship. I'm ready to inherit all the things HE promised.
    http://gospelweekly.blogspot.com/
    posted by Keisha
    on Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 10:31 pm
  14. I also can relate to not feeling forgiven when i curse in front of my children and keep on doing it in frustration, my 3 yr. old is now saying these things and when i ask God for forgiveness I cannot hear Him saying I still Love you.
    posted by Shiloh
    on Saturday, April 9, 2011 at 12:46 am
  15. May I share my sorrow over the guilt of not understanding my now departed wife. She was the most lovely, dedicated, lovely woman any man could hope to marry. Now I know I have been forgiven. She forgave me on her deathbed. And God has forgiven me also I know. My dilemna is simply the agony of my ignorance in not knowing how to relate when she was alive, thus contributing to het sorrow and hurts that caused her to despair and not wish to be healed when sickness began as a cancer. If only I had know how wrong I was even as a committed born-again believer in Jesus. My insecurities prevented me from understanding her needs. I cannot recall anyone in the church that tried or could have helped me recognize my deficiencies. I am so grieved not only at her loss but my failures to be mature. I know who I am in Christ and His love to have forgiven me ALL my sin. Just why did I not know? Hard to go on with this past. How did Paul overcome his errors?
    posted by robert
    on Friday, April 22, 2011 at 11:50 pm
  16. Robert,

    You are experiencing a very painful, but necessary, process in spiritual growth: brokenness. In order for us to mature as believers, we must have our eyes opened to blind spots or sins, and as our eyes are opened we experience the grief and recognition of the cost of those sins, this is the sorrow leading to repentance (2 Cor. 7:9-10).

    As you stated, you know you've been forgiven by God and thankfully you experienced the gracious forgiveness from your wife before her death. I understand it is a very painful thing to look back on past actions with regret, so desiring to go back and change things, but knowing that it is impossible. Most of us have those same sorrow-filled longings.

    I encourage you to use these longings in a redemptive manner (as Paul did). Use your own life-story to encourage others to consider their treatment of their spouse, to take an active role in encouraging others toward godliness (Heb. 10:24), and serve as a prayer intercessor for the protection of the marriages around you.

    Don't fall under the condemnation of the enemy for things God has forgiven you (Romans 8:1). When he uses past memories of failure in an attempt to drag you into despair -- use that as an opportunity to revisit the cross and work of Christ in paying the penalty for you sins (2 Cor. 5:21) bring every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:3-5) and pour out thanksgiving to God for His forgiveness and work of redemption in your life (Phil. 3:8--10, 13; 4:4--9).

    May you be refreshed in the joy of observing and celebrating His resurrection this weekend,
    posted by Kimberly Wagner
    on Saturday, April 23, 2011 at 1:20 pm
  17. Thank you for this post, I have been struggling with an addiction from my past. Even though God has given me the strength and knowledge to stop sinning, I feel horribly guilty when I remember the past, and even worse when I am reminded by temptation of what I was and what I continue to be, a sinner. It has become very hard to imagine that I can be forgiven, but I have ignored the fact that that feeling/thought has only come from my mind, the same mind that is corrupt. I have ignored the fact that in God's word he speaks SO MUCH of forgiveness, and that God's word is the only truth. I just pray and beg for forgiveness, for strength, for my mind to focus on His word, for healing, and for Him to stay with me forever. I DON'T WANT TO SIN ANYMORE!!! But I know that we all fall sometimes, but now I realize, that when we do fall, we are caught in the arms of Christ, we can be forgiven as long as we seek God and give Him all our love, all our hope, and keep on fighting for Him and for His love, we need to let Him be the one to pick us up and redeem us. Amen.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm

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