As I encourage women to submit to their husbands, one objection I hear often from them is: “I’ve always been the decision maker in the family and my husband is perfectly comfortable with that.” I had a discussion with a pastor’s wife a few days ago on this topic. She had been the manager of a bank for many years and was well established in her career. She had become quite accustomed to living at a certain level and because she was used to making decisions in the office, she had transferred those same practices to the home front. When she decided that it was time to retire she was overtaken with fear. Would her husband be able to provide for her adequately? Could she trust his leadership?
After learning submission, though, she said, “I never knew I could feel so protected and cared for . . . It’s like I didn’t have to make things happen anymore. It feels so freeing!”
Her eyes sparkled as she spoke and there was a sense of peace and contentment about her. It was almost as if she had been waiting to exhale all of her life and was finally able to release the pressure of striving, leading, managing, and running it all.
God never intended for us to have to run it all, ladies. His intent was for us to follow our husband’s lead in willing submission. To be sure, any wise husband will want to utilize his wife’s gifts and strengths for the good of the family, but the role of final decision maker and leader for the family rests with the husband.
Some cultures are more matriarchal; and in these cases wives must work hard to resist that natural inclination to take the ball and run with it. We need to empower our men to lead by encouraging them where we see sparks of leadership potential. And we must work hard not to criticize when their efforts at leading fall short. This can be especially difficult if your husband has never accepted the mantle of leadership before.
In Off With the Skirt, On With the Pants, R. C. Sproul says, “Failure to lead, more often than not, is born not of a failure of brains. Rather it stems from a lack of conviction that is manifest either in a fearful acquiescence to the status quo or--far worse--indifference.”
At one particularly difficult time during our marriage, my husband threw up his hands in exasperation and said, “I tell you what we’re going to do! From now on you do what you want to do, and I’ll do what I want to do. I’m not going to keep going back and forth with you about who’s going to lead this family!” I must admit that to part of me that actually sounded like a plan . . . but even at the height of my anger, I knew that it was not what God intended for us. So, I said to him, “Regardless of whether I’m having a hard time with submission or not, you don’t have the option of abdicating your responsibility to lead this family!”
And that was it—a stake that we drove into the foundation of our marriage that I return to often as a reminder that it is his part to lead and my part to follow. By God’s grace, we have modeled that before our four children and nine grandchildren, and it has been our joy and great delight to see how they have applied these truths in their own marriages.
How about you? Can you thank God for your husband’s leadership? If you are accustomed to leading, can you trust Him by standing down and encouraging your husband to lead?
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- to trust God when things aren't going the way we want them to.
- to trust God to work when WE aren't in control
- to trust God even when we think our husbands might not do things the way we want.
- To Trust God. Hard. Still - we must do it.
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 7:41 am
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 8:27 am
The beauty of submission is that it frees our husbands to become who God designed them to be in marriage. Submission: "Hupotasso"-to put MYSELF in my rightful place, says to God: Lord, I trust you. That is especially hard when we are used to leading, and quite honestly, we are good at it.
I am a wife who adores my husband, but he was not just a natural leader in our marriage. Even though I had an appropriate model of God's design before me-through my parents, it took some time for me to realize that surrendering my desire to lead did not say less about me. It did not mean I was not intelligent or strong-that was a seed of self-doubt based on "feelings". It says much more than that! It says more of my desire to be who God designed me to be-even though it flies in the face of what the world says is strength. I now beg to differ. It takes a woman who has a strength, hope and trust first in the Lord in being willing to step in and "HELP" as God has equipped her to do in marriage.
Thank you for this post mom! I know that these are not just words. You live them!
There is beauty and peace in our roles as God designed them. It is not easy, but it is so worth it.
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 9:50 am
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 10:13 am
Till my husband wanted out of our marriage. Long story short, I had to learn my role in being a better wife to him required me to be a Biblical wife, submitting to him , even when every fiber of my being fought against it. Men are emasculated enough in this world. They shouldn't be at home.
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 12:00 pm
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm
The decisions should be handled equally, in my opinion. The woman mentioned above who retired and was thrilled with learning submission may have been happy, but what about her husband? Was he stressed all the time, the way she was previously? Making all the decisions can be tiring. Why not share the load? Even a husband who sees himself as the leader ought to realize that his wife is not a child, and it would be better and more relaxing for both of them to share the workload. Even complementarians recognize that a husband should "delegate" the workload. If your wife is smart and a good decision-maker, shouldn't you trust her judgment? That's one reason God gave her to you, right?
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Two things I've learned in the past couple years after 33 years of marriage. My husband loves me and wants me to be happy, so he will agree to most anything I think I should be doing. But, left to my own thinking sometimes I have trouble seeing what is good and what is best as far as my time.
When I let my husband know I REALLY want his in put on how I should spend my time he has started to share from his heart. His leadership helps me choose do what is best and not just good. Before I asked him to lead me he didn't thinking that I would be unhappy following his lead. The world's voice has husbands sometimes confused too about their role as leader.
The second and really more important thing I've learned is that praying for my husband is the best way I can help him. Also this helps me greatly is to talk to God about all kinds of things; for strength, wisdom and encouragement and to thank God for Doug.
on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm
on Saturday, May 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm
on Monday, June 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm
My husband and I recently facilitated at a marriage retreat and I left realizing some things I had not expected! For one, scriptures command men to love their wives..not to respect...and woman to respect their husbands...not to love...this obviously was odd! But it was through this class I learned He created men to respect! They already know how! He created women to love! We didn't need to be commanded to do what we do naturally! But its a cycle! If a MAN doesn't feel respect he can't give love and If a WOMAN isn't feeling loved she can't give respect....do they work together! They are the same emotions essentially!
It changed ME! I realized, as I was telling others these words, it is more important for me to love him than it is to be "right!" ...Boy, did I fight this battle! LOL!
Praying for you!
on Monday, June 20, 2011 at 1:03 pm
on Friday, August 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm
Know that we are praying for you and that God will honor your heart to follow His leading.
I would encourage you to read the blog entry on July 20, "My Husband is Passive, He Likes for me to Lead". It provides some helpful suggestions for wives whose husbands choose to remain passive rather than fulfilling their role as leaders in the family.
In the meantime, please continue to seek the Lord for His peace, and ask Him to guard your heart from anger and bitterness. He is so very faithful!
on Monday, August 22, 2011 at 11:12 am
on Monday, August 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Relationships are a team effort not one person leading and the other following.
Also wtf does God have to do with any of this? He doesn't determine or play a role in any relationship dynamics.
on Friday, September 23, 2011 at 4:37 pm
on Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this issue. It can be so difficult to submit when our spouses are not leading in a God-honoring way. It's really important to remember that our first allegiance is to God. When a spouse encourages us to violate the principles of scripture we must lovingly decline.
In Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper encourages wives to be submissive, but when their husband's leadership goes against God's Word, the wife should not follow, but should maintain a disposition to obey. For the wife that may look like saying, "I really love you and want to be able to follow your leadership, but my commitment to Christ won't allow me to move in that direction."
I pray that you will be encouraged to remain steadfast in your Christian service and that by your manner of living God may be able to use you to draw your husband to Him.
Blessings,
Karen
on Wednesday, May 16, 2012 at 11:55 am