I once heard someone say that the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most fragile of all human relationships. If you are a MIL or a DIL, you already know this relationship can get sticky. Mothers-in-law often fulfill a role that is part mother, part friend, and part threat in the lives of their son’s wives. Daughters-in-law are not quite the same as a biological daughter, and yet they are a huge part of the make-up of the family. The result can be a lot of relational thin ice that is difficult to tread. Over the next two days, I will tackle this delicate human relationship with Truths from God’s Word. Today’s post is specifically for daughters-in-law, and tomorrow’s post is for mothers-in-law. I think you’ll find the Bible offers surprisingly clear guidelines on how to treat each other, and I encourage you to read both posts. Even if your relationship is great, we can all learn about loving each other better.
We are given a picture of a healthy and holy mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship in the Bible. To be honest, the story of Ruth and Naomi has always seemed a little unrealistic to me. Ruth chose her mother-in-law over her own family (1:16). Amazingly, she even lived with her mother-in-law (2:23) for a long period of time and yet remained sweet to her. We have a lot to learn from their story! The book of Ruth contains many important themes, but one we often miss is that relationships with mothers-in-law can be amicable, and that honoring each other can lead to great blessing.
For daughters-in-law, here are several key themes worth noting from the book of Ruth:
- Ruth begged to stay with her MIL rather than return to her own family after her husband’s death. Ruth opened her heart and allowed herself to bond to her husband’s mom. As daughters-in-law, we’ve got to choose to be open to giving and receiving love from our MIL (Ruth 1:16).
- Ruth was willing to serve Naomi. She chose to roll up her sleeves and do the grunt work of gleaning wheat to provide for herself and her MIL. Have you done something sacrificial lately in order to provide for the needs of your MIL? (Ruth 2:2).
- It was because of Ruth’s kindness and faithfulness to Naomi that she found favor with Boaz. Disrespecting MILs may be socially acceptable, but it won’t earn anyone’s admiration. “But Boaz answered her, ‘All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me, and how you left your father and mother and your native land and came to a people that you did not know before . . .” (Ruth 2:11).
- Ruth followed her MIL’s advice. DIL’s, is it possible your MIL is not trying to replace your mom? Maybe her advice has some merit. Don’t buck simply because your MIL offers her two cents every now and then. When possible, adhere to her wisdom (Ruth 3:6).
- Ruth included Naomi in the celebration of her son’s birth. The MIL/DIL relationship seems to really get slippery when the next generation arrives. Suggestions about how to burp and diaper a new baby can turn into fighting words. DIL’s, realize that your baby reminds your MIL of her own babies and that she desperately wants to be a part of the celebration (Ruth 4:17).
Clearly, Ruth had an uncanny ability to love and respect her MIL in all circumstances. We can make all kinds of excuses why we can’t treat our MILs the same way, but the Bible writes us no such permission slip.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Your MIL may not be as sweet and understanding as Naomi. But honestly, does “unwholesome talk” about her help the situation? When was the last time you said something that built her up according to her needs?
Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” You have no control over the behavior of others, including your MIL. But the Bible urges you to do your part to live at peace.
The story of Ruth and Naomi is an important one. It was from the line of Ruth and Boaz that David was born. Eventually Jesus came from the same lineage.
The story of your family is an important one, too. Ephesians 4:29 urges us to speak words of encouragement for the benefit of “those who listen.” People are watching how you interact to see what it reveals about your faith. God’s standards for how we should treat each other apply to this relationship, even if it takes extra effort.
What can you do today to love your mother-in-law with the radical love of Christ?
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Comments
I have a great mother-in-law!
Sometimes I do get frustrated but Holy Spirit always convicts me of many of the things mentioned in this blog. Usually whatever is frustrating me can be fixed with a little less stubborness on my end or a little more grace, wisdom, and patience on my end! :)
I'm sure that there are those out there that have a harder situation but I encourage you that "love conquers a multitude of sins." Dig in! Ask the Lord to fill you with His love and grace for your mother-in-law. It is a relationship worth working on!
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 7:55 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 8:36 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 8:51 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 9:02 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 9:08 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 11:09 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 11:43 am
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 12:42 pm
There are changing roles to deal with, plus differences as women, expectations, and needed boundaries ~ but God gives us the opportunity to bless our in-laws (which I call in-loves). It's one of the richest relationships we can have, if we allow God's grace to permeate our lives. Some relationships are tough. But in those cases, God still can work through us.
I believe there are many ways we can bless our in-loves (see: http://heartchoicestoday.blogspot.com/2011/04/mil-dil-stew-part-6-blessing-your-in.html).
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 2:44 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 3:59 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 4:29 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm
I pray for her daily she is a Cancer survivor. 82 years old.
amazing woman.Love her. If you have PWYMIL.
pray for her.
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 6:14 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 7:30 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 9:45 pm
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 6:18 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 7:05 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 7:11 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 9:24 am
I am praying for you at this minute. A very godly lady gave me this advice when I was describing my MIL- "She may be an influence that you don't really want on your daughter." Scripture asks us to not "cast our pearls..." and my husband had wisely noted that I will probably want to limit my time with her (she was his father's second wife). There are times to just keep a "loving distance." I know that the Holy Spirit helped me to do what was right, He will help you also. We get to exercise his command to pray for our enemies even within our own family. Remember, we are all part of the family of God as Jesus noted, those who do his will are his brothers and sisters. Please be cautious about spilling too many details to new friends, even at church, but do remember to request intercession for family healing and the salvation of family members...(I wished now that when I had asked for prayer that I hadn't given so many details, even though they were true, as it tempted people to give me advice instead of pray and remind me of scriptures that would guide me...)
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 9:33 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 9:34 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 11:45 am
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 11:55 am
This past Christmas I gave her an small ornate wooden box that I purchased from Hobby Lobby. I cut up strips of paper and had her family members write out notes of gratitude or special memories that had of her. She loved the gift. Perhaps some of you with tense relationships could try this on a birthday or another holiday to show love and gratefulness. I got this idea from Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com. She had used a pottery vase to hold the gratitude notes.
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 12:19 pm
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 6:16 pm
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 7:15 pm
How I grieved my lost relationship with my MIL, (or rather, what I thought was a relationship) and I had to accept reality that it is what it is, and many pieces of the puzzle became clear and many questions I had in the back of my head got answered, once I realized what was really going on.
My husband and I are rebuilding and growing stronger and living the "leaving and cleaving" every day. It is easier now, but it was a fight and a struggle (with my MIL) when we decided that our marriage came first. My relationship with my husband, I know, comes first. But how I envy (and I know I shouldn't) the close, and honest relationships of other DILs and MILs and knowing that I will never have that.
My MIL is just not mentally capable of that and our boundaries have to be set so extremely high or, her inappropriate behavior seriously destroys our marriage (as well as other relationships in the family). It just took me over two years to see this, because I was always justifying her behavior, giving her the benefit of the doubt, and seeing only the "good" in all situations until our marriage was almost destroyed.
While this post is good, we need to remember that our number one relationship is with God, then our husbands, then our family. Anything that interferes with that order is not right, healthy, or moral. You are very, very blessed if you have a MIL that adds joy and wisdom to your life. Be not quick to judge a family or a DIL that puts great distance between her and her MIL. Details left untold is usually out of respect and kindness, even at the expense of looking like the guilty or dishonoring party.
on Thursday, June 2, 2011 at 11:25 pm
Several months ago we sat down w/ my in-laws to discuss our relationship for the first time in almost 12 years. I had hoped that my husband & his parents would discuss their relationship & work towards building a deeper relationship beyond the surface level. The discussion only provided an opportunity for my MIL to share her discontent about my marriage & my role as a wife. My husband & his parents haven't spoken since. My heart grieves because I can't imagine being estranged from my family. I recognize that we all have faults & are imperfect. But I also know that I can't continue to be a part of a relationship that is abusive & doesn't allow for grace, mercy, love, & forgiveness.
. I sincerely hope & pray that things will get better. I hope that my husband & I can enjoy a Christ-centered, God-honoring relationship w/ his family soon. Your prayers for our family are requested.
on Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 11:10 am
My heart goes out to you. In-law problems are so painful.
I want to encourage you to be the light of Christ in your husband’s family. You don’t want to have ANY part in division between your husband and his mother or the rest of his family. As a Christian you are clothed with the robe of Christ—and His robe is woven with forgiveness, grace, compassion, longsuffering.
When you say you “can't continue to be a part of a relationship that is abusive & doesn't allow for grace, mercy, love, & forgiveness”, I encourage you to consider the words of Christ:
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven…”
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. “
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Matt. 5:11-16
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matt. 18:21-22
It doesn’t make your mother-in-laws behavior right; but it gives you opportunity to glorify Christ and gain heavenly reward. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18
Watch your words about your husband’s mother and her actions when talking to your husband; be a grace bearer in the situation. Bathe the relationship in prayer; I have seen God melt hard hearts without any explanation. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with everyone.” Rom. 12:18 This impasse of not talking to one another will bring great heartache in years to come if not worked through now. You can't change their relationship, but grace breeds grace and you can create an atmosphere for a godly relationship to follow.
I encourage you to take the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge and live respectably in every way before your husband. The Challenge is found at this link: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/challenge/ . Let grace overflow your words and actions for these 30 days and then let the Lord work within your husband and his family to accomplish His purposes.
You will never regret the time and effort you put into these relationships. You will regret if you dig your heels in and wait for them to work it out.
I am praying for you.
on Saturday, July 2, 2011 at 3:27 pm
on Saturday, October 15, 2011 at 11:35 pm
Actually living with a DIL can create tensions all their own. God has clearly guided you in the answer to your prayer. I encourage you to commit to pray for your son, DIL and family while you are away. There may be things going on in their lives that you are not aware of. By taking them to the Lord and surrendering your hopes and dreams for this family, you are blessing them in ways you cannot imagine. God knows the details of the struggles in this family and He knows the solutions to them, as well. You cannot change your DIL, but you can take her to the One who can! Be sure and read Erin’s post on 6.2.11. She focuses more on the MIL’s role and what she can do to enhance the relationship with her DIL.
While you are away, I would challenge you to take our 30-Day Choosing Gratitude Challenge (http://www.reviveourhearts.com/static/challenges/30DayGratitude.pdf). You will be given an assignment each day with a short devotional and an assignment. You may find this to be an excellent tool for battling your depression and for encouragement to those you are living with.
Praying for you, Marge!
Lorree
on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm
I am so Blessed
on Tuesday, August 7, 2012 at 9:19 am
on Thursday, October 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm
on Wednesday, October 31, 2012 at 10:14 am
on Wednesday, December 19, 2012 at 1:54 am
on Thursday, December 20, 2012 at 5:31 am
One point that made me depressed was that she said her son has changed towards her since i met him,that he doesn't confide in her again,he doesn't care for her again and so on.But i have been asking my fiance to give to his parent just like i do to mine,but he will say that his senior sisters will do that for now because he doesnt have a well paying job.
what can i do to make my mother-in-law to change her thoughts towards me?
on Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 10:32 am
One point that made me depressed was that she said her son has changed towards her since i met him,that he doesn't confide in her again,he doesn't care for her again and so on.But i have been asking my fiance to give to his parent just like i do to mine,but he will say that his senior sisters will do that for now because he doesnt have a well paying job.
what can i do to make my mother-in-law to change her thoughts towards me?
on Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 11:18 am
I’m sorry the words of your fiancé’s mom have hurt you so terribly. I encourage you to speak with your fiancé about what she has said and let him handle the situation. In the meantime, I encourage you to pray for his mother and ask God to soften her heart toward you. You can trust God to guide your fiancé and to show you the way through this situation.
You cannot change his mother’s heart toward you. But God can. That’s why prayer is so important! You should continue to respond to her with love and respect. Romans 12:9-21 give some excellent instructions in loving those we struggle to love. Reaching out to his mother and including her in some of the decisions about your wedding may speak volumes to her heart. I’ve prayed for you and your fiancé today, Doreen, and have asked God to show you the way to walk through this difficulty in a way that will bring honor and glory to Him.
Serving Him,
Lorree
on Wednesday, February 20, 2013 at 1:05 pm
We recently had a baby, which is my mom's first grandchild and the third for my MIL. I have noticed that she has changed ever since the baby was born. She is very opinionated about how we should raise our child. At first she had her heart of taking care of our child while I went back to work but due to circumstances my mother is the one taking care of our baby now. She often shows up to our house unannounced and stays there for hours observing everything surrounding the baby and making sure to share her opinions. There have been times that I've expressed how we would like for our child to be held, burped or dressed and sometimes I feel she does not care to respect our wishes (I guess since she feels she's raised three kids of her own she knows best). I have told her that the grandparents role is to enjoy their grandchildren but that ultimately it our responsibility as parents to care for their upbringing.
I expressed to my husband how I feel and that I would like for his mother to be more prudent with her comments about our son and indirect comments about the way my mother is taking care of our son. I was asking myself if maybe I may be overrating due to being a first time mom.
I know that we are all being perfected each day. I also realize that I must be patient, respectful and loving to my MIL. I look forward to reading the blog about "how to live and love your mother-in-law" and receive some insight through the Word of God for my life and situation. I would like for our relationship to be loving on both ends, as it was before we had our baby.
on Wednesday, March 6, 2013 at 10:22 am
I can so empathize with what you are going through. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING...especially your relationships with others.
I experienced a lot of the same emotions you described with my own MIL both times I had a baby. May I offer a possible alternate explanation?
It's possible that your MIL is not trying to be controlling or micromanage your parenting. Perhaps she is just trying to be involved. If she was uninvolved, that would bother you in a different way. It is likely that your mom offers the same amount of advice and involvement but it doesn't bother you as much because she is your mom and you are more used to your ways.
That is what I experienced, anyway.
Also, may I gently remind you that your MIL is your husband's mom. Complaining to him about her is tricky. Certainly, feel free to speak your concerns but keep in mind that your MIL raised the man you love. In that respect, she does have a lot of wisdom to offer.
In my own life I've really had to pray through this delicate relationship and ask God to show me what's really going on. It has helped tremendously.
I know A LOT of women who find their relationship with their MIL strained after they have their kids. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Can I just encourage you to be thankful that you have a MIL who wants to be involved. That is great news for your son! I would encourage you to evaluate your own heart and make sure you are not receiving her comments of criticism when that may not be the spirit of things.
Grace and Peace!
Evelyn
on Wednesday, March 6, 2013 at 3:26 pm
on Monday, April 15, 2013 at 9:26 pm