Recently, several bloggers tackled a highly sensitive and debated topic—the need for women to attend to their beauty and appearance. When I published a post on what and what not to wear on my site, I came under fire for focusing on such mundane matters rather than really important stuff—like comforting the sick and war-torn.
I admit it. The topic of woman’s appearance is trivial compared to the war on the other side of the world–but given the reality of our culture, it’s a battle that hits much closer to home.
The Debate about Female Beauty
Tim Challies, a popular Christian blogger, published his thoughts on women “letting themselves go.” While he was careful to stress that “the beauty the Bible commends is the beauty of character more than a beauty of appearance,” he suggested that inner and outer beauty are actually inexorably connected, and concluded that women need to make the effort to remain beautiful to their husbands.
Another blogger, Rachel Held Evans, was disappointed by Challies’ refrain that “outer beauty reflects inner beauty” and that “a good wife will keep up appearances for her husband choosing an attractive sweater instead of the stained Mickey Mouse t-shirt.” She argued that
The Bible never demands that women be beautiful nor does it justify a man’s infidelity because his wife “let herself go.” If anything, it presents a fairly consistent picture of beauty as a passing pleasure. Challies and company are free to teach that women should stay beautiful for their husbands, but I wish they would stop referring to this teaching as “biblical” when it is not.
The discussion surrounding this issue was intense. Challies’ and Evans’ posts attracted several hundred comments. When Mark Driscoll mentioned my “What Not to Wear” post on twitter, Girls Gone Wise got flooded with so many visits that it temporarily downed the site. Incidentally, Driscoll took a whole lot of flak, a few years ago, when he offered to take one for the guys, by decrying pastors' wives for “letting themselves go.”
A Sensitive Issue for both Sexes
Woman’s appearance is a sensitive issue, because from a man’s perspective, a wife’s effort to be beautiful for her husband speaks of her care and respect for him, and communicates her desire to be sexually attractive and available for him. Making a reasonable effort to care for and beautify herself is a demonstration of her devotion. In his view, a lack of effort in this regard demonstrates a lack of concern for him. Bottom line–whether we like it our not, it’s important to our guys. Challies points out:
In all of these things, a woman ought to understand (and believe) that what a man finds (or ought to find) beautiful in his wife is more about care and respect and effort and availability than it is about figure and proportion. In too many cases a woman who lets herself go is simply symbolizing that she has let her marriage go. Conversely, care for herself shows her care for her husband, respect for him, love for him.
It’s even a touchier subject for women, because as Evans points out, “many are so burdened by the impossible standards imposed by our culture that they feel as though their efforts will never be enough.” Like Evans, I have never in my life met a woman who did not want to be beautiful for her husband.
When it comes to beauty, women react against the burden of expectation, the fear that they will fall short of the desired standard, the inevitability of decay, and the resentment that the script is different for men than women. A woman wants to be loved and accepted as she is. From a wife’s perspective, a husband’s attraction to/desire for beauty can magnify her feelings of personal inadequacy and insecurity, and she may fear that his love/acceptance depends on her ability to measure up.
Approaching the Discussion from a Different Angle
So who is right—Challies or Evans? Was Driscoll entirely off base in suggesting that it might negatively affect a pastor if his wife lets herself go? Or were his critics misguided in insisting that a woman’s lack of attention to her appearance should in no way impact her husband’s propensity to stray?
The stalemate in the discussion often boils down to the fact that women resent the fact that men are so attracted to beauty, while men resent the fact that women don’t make the effort to properly attend to it. So how do we resolve the impasse? In my opinion, we can’t hope to make sense of the question until we view woman’s beauty and beautification through the lens of the biblical typology of gender, and the eternal, cosmic meaning of sexuality.
Beauty has a Cosmic Meaning
Psalm 45 is a song celebrating the marriage of a Hebrew king to a foreign princess. But it’s also a messianic prophecy pointing to the relationship between Christ the King and His Church-Bride. The Psalmist notes that the king “desires her beauty,” and that the princess, in turn, makes herself beautiful—“all-glorious”—for him.
Scripture uses this imagery to illustrate how we are to make ourselves beautiful for our King. The Lord wants us to clothe ourselves in fine, spotless garments of righteousness—in holy character and holy deeds (Rev. 19:7-8). He wants us to be beautiful, and through Jesus, we are! The great story of the gospel is that God gives us the opportunity to clothe ourselves in the beauty of Christ. He provides the beauty, and we don’t need to work or strive to measure up, nor do we need fear that we will fail to meet the standard.
So what does all this have to do with our discussion about female appearance? It has a great deal to do with it. We live—as C.S. Lewis coined it—in the “shadow lands.” The earthly, physical realities of our lives are but shadows—copies—of true and heavenly realities (e.g. Heb. 8:5; 9:24-25). The physical and temporal exist to point us to the spiritual and eternal. And nowhere is this more the case than in the relationship between male and female.
Human sexuality is a parable—a testimony to the character of God and to His spectacular plan of redemption through Jesus. This spiritual truth is so magnificent that God chose to put it on display permanently. Everywhere. Men were created to reflect the strength, love, and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women were created to reflect the grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed.
I believe that men are “wired” to be attracted to beauty in women because our Heavenly Bridegroom desires the beauty of His Bride. And I believe that deep down, every woman wants to feel beautiful and desired. This is the way that God has created us as male and female—and the illustration points to something far bigger than ourselves.
Beauty is More Than a Passing Pleasure
Many scorn beauty as “a passing pleasure.” They think that the illusive, fragile, fading, temporary, and wrinkle-and-stretch-mark-prone nature of female beauty indicates that men (and women) should just “get over it” and focus on more important things.
Beauty is indeed a passing pleasure. But I think there’s a deeper meaning here that we dare not trivialize. The symbolic importance of beauty/beautification is not unlike the symbolic importance of marriage. Woman’s beauty, and all the broken, distorted ideas about it, will not so much pass, as give way—in the end—to that to which beauty points. There will be no marriage in heaven because the shadow will give way to the reality. Likewise, the illusive, fading, temporary beauty of women will one day give way to the breathtaking, spectacular, eternal beauty of the Bride of Christ.
The gospel doesn’t negate man’s desire to enjoy beauty and woman’s desire to be beautiful, but it does shift the focus of our attention beyond the symbol to that to which it points. When we consider the jaw-dropping picture painted by Scripture, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire for beauty not too strong, but too weak. We get all wrapped up with the earthly and the superficial and temporal, while the supernatural and eternal is offered us. Like an ignorant tourist who spreads out his towel under the picture of the umbrella on the sign, because he does not know that the sign points to the beach. We are far too easily pleased. (Again, a favorite C. S. Lewis thought)
Embracing Beauty
Followers of Christ know that the symbol is not even fractionally as important as the reality. But they understand that it is not totally unimportant either.
So girls, let’s give the guys a break. Let’s stop condemning them for feeling attracted to beauty and wanting us to make a reasonable and sustained effort in that department. And guys . . . give us a break. Please understand how very personal and painful this issue can be for women. It’s very difficult to stay engaged in fighting a battle we know we are destined to lose. The beauty of our youth will inevitably fade. And most of us don’t have a hope of even remotely resembling the airbrushed model on the cover of the magazine.
And let’s always remember that the whole issue of female beauty is merely a signpost. It’s reminder to all of us—male and female—that the King desires our beauty, and that we ought to carefully attend to our character, and to making ourselves spiritually beautiful for that great destination wedding on the other shore.
In my opinion, the answer to the conundrum surrounding the discussion about female beauty is not to diminish or deny its importance, but to exalt and embrace the all-surpassing beauty to which it points.
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As a nearly 50 woman (this year), this is an ever-ending battle. My husband assures me that he thinks I'm beautiful, gray, wrinkles, and all. Still, that part of me (the bride of his youth) wants to capture the illusion of the fleeting beauty that springs out at me when I gaze on old photos. I loved hearing you speak at the True Woman Conference in Chicago a few years back as you opened my eyes to the detrimental effects of the feminist movement (I am an recovered feminist). So today and each day, I do the best with God has given me. I dress and apply makeup (most days) but mostly, I want to shine for Christ. A smile, the right attitude, a caring heart, and hopefully in an external package that is pleasing but not pretentious.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 8:08 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 8:33 am
I appreciate the post. If all of what we do is an act of worship, then how we present ourselves both inside and out ought to be the best we can bring. By God's grace may we be reflections of the depth of love He has bestowed on us.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 9:54 am
Cecelia, your wise words impact me. May I please 'borrow' them? Kind Regards, Lynn E.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 10:25 am
But thank you so much for bringing this into perspective. We are here to bring glory to the Lord, and one day we'll see that He is all that matters.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 10:44 am
I have to say, however, that I am discouraged at the fact that nothing is said about the fact that men need to keep themselves looking good for their women. It is becoming an entirely feminine issue when in reality, I believe it is just as important for a man to look good for his wife as it is a wife to look good for her husband. Maybe I am an uncommon wife, but when my husband is looking his best, I am sexually attracted to him more so than when he is dressed a bit sloppy.
I just find it unfortunate that there is nothing being said to the men on this issue.
Still, I am so glad that women are noticing that sweat pants are not necessarily appropriate to be wearing every day!
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 10:52 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 10:54 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:03 am
We're all into living as the Proverbs 31 woman around this site. If we are doing our best to serve God and our husbands in this way and our husbands don't see the beauty in that, then it is THEIR hearts who need adjusting- not our outward appearance.
One main problem is that many Christians will not take simple steps to remove themselves from the sinful activities of the world so obviously that's where their hearts will be.
My final thought on this is for you to ask yourselves what Mary, the mother of Jesus, looked like? Did she have braided hair, jewels and make-up plastered to her face?
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:43 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:44 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:48 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:49 am
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:57 am
I think it also creates a huge double standard between men and women-- women have to try their best to be physically pleasing to their man because it's their biblical duty, but there is no similar suggestion for men. It seems like something a man who buys into this could very easily hold over his wife's head.
Personally, I think both men and women should apply themselves to taking care of themselves physically. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and I want to take care of it. I don't want to let myself go because I respect myself. I love my husband, and I want him to find me attractive, but I think we also need to be careful about being slaves to male approval.
So basically, all that to say, I don't think this article is necessary or helpful at all. Be happy with who you are and how you were made, and do your best to take care of yourself because you respect yourself and know that you are an image-bearer of God. Right?
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm
And just this past weekend, we were riding our scooters on a very hot day and pulled over for lunch at a sandwich shop. I had really bad "helmet hair" and was very sweaty and out of no where my husband tells me " you are so beautiful." Again I am shocked, but happy and worried at the same time that he may be having a heat stroke.
But seriously. What I think what he found "beautiful" was my contentment and happiness and eagerness to just be there with him. I do dress up and put on makeup but I have added ten pounds since we married and he about thirty.
I am not thrilled with the aging and these spots that just show up and I could do without the constant reminders at the checkout counters of the cover girls (and I do mean GIRLS) but our culture is promoting sexuality, not BEAUTY. And when you really, really think about it....beauty is on BOTH inside and out, not sexuality. That is why sexuality can sell - because it is easy to market what you can see and can buy. Beauty is priceless and never-ending. AND it can't be bought because it is in the eye of the beholder!
Just a thought...
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm
I think there are many reasons a person, man or woman, should present themselves in a clean and cared for manner. Dont we as mothers expect our children to get out of bed in the morning, get dressed in CLEAN clothes, and brush their hair and teeth? What example does it set for your child if the mother doesnt do the same? I dont think that people are implying that we should get up and go through a 2 hour beauty routine, but I do think it doesnt hurt anyone to do the basics.
Im a stay at home mom and I know somedays its tempting to just stay in pjs all day, and I just got back from target and didnt put make-up on before I went, and do I feel guilty? Not one bit. Do I usually wear make-up? Yes, but Im ok if I dont also. And some of your husbands may prefer you without makeup! I think the thing is, like I saw another person post above, is ask your husband. If a 5 minute routine in the morning can improve your marriage, why WOULDNT you want to do it? Men are visual creatures, whether we understand it or like it, but God made them that way so Im not questioning it. I believe if there was something minor your husbands could do that would really make you happy, we would expect them to do it. If you want them to put a little more effort into their appearance ask them as well :)
Ive also seen some people mention a lack of time, but I think most people have the time its just deciding what is important to them and doing it. I know that on the days I get up and it seems like I have a ton of things to do so I attack my list and just get the stuff done, it gets done rather quickly usually.
I just think there should be moderation. I think we should all take care of ourselves, do the basics, not fret if we dont EVERY day, but as women we HAVE to take care of ourselves. If we dont we cant take care of our families as well, and thats just not right. Its not fair to us or them.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm
The biggest loss appears to be a widespread confusion about the distinctions between men and women—especially in marriage and family. Cultural emphasis on equality has hurt us if it has diminished proper understandings of the reality and purpose of distinctive manhood and womanhood. Renewed understanding of the beauty of male and female distinction might be one of our greatest cultural needs. But among some, there seems to be a fear that emphasis on distinction could threaten to reverse the gains. This fear is both unnecessary and possibly even harmful.
Culture and society suffer when distinctions between men and women are not understood and respected. Many of the challenges in marriage, for example, are a direct result of these differences. We cannot pretend that such distinctions do not exist or do not matter. Men and women are different and these differences can either serve good purposes or become sources of alienation and disunity.
I believe that the loss of a clear vision for the dignity and beauty of distinctive womanhood has produced confusion in the hearts of many women. They have become inarticulate concerning what they intuitively know about themselves. Worse yet, men do not sufficiently exalt them for their distinctive glory as women.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Why is it necessary to defend the desire for beauty in the human face and form, when beauty is unquestionably a valuable trait in nature and artwork? Because of deceit.
Why are women who temporarily "let themselves go" for the sake of more urgent priorities treated as though they do not care how they look? Because of a lack of compassion.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm
This is a wonderful perspective Mary. As a 28yr old woman I am in the middle of this. No longer a young girl but not yet seasoned....So I begin to see the curve of my body change the elasticity in my skin give way and so forth and so on but what I have noticed is that there are two extremes our enemy has provided for women. Either there is too much emphasis on beauty or no enough and this can be inner beauty and outer beauty. This is another way for women to rebel so to speak against our husbands and the word of God. We are definately at a cross roads and being a single woman it is extremely hard because there is so much attention being paid to my outer beauty that the inner beauty gets looked passed. God does everything perfect...we were created in his image. Sin entered the world and man died....spiritually and physically we immediately began to die once we were born. I believe Eve and Adam were the most beautiful creatures God ever created...this world has never seen such beauty...physically and spiritually. But one day we will be just like him, and with him once again in perfect beauty!!
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I would contend that love would compel women (and men) to keep up a reasonable appearance to the world as well, within their means, again b/c of love. Purposefully unkempt, dirty, stinky people draw attention to themselves in a negative way which reflects on Christ for those who claim to be following him. This is a cultural matter, here in the US most Christians have the means to keep up a minimally acceptable cultural appearance (modesty withstanding) not in order that people may approve of them rather that they don't distract from good works and the gospel. something else to chew on...
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
THANK YOU for this post. very timely for me personally.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm
You feel better when you take care of yourself. You're more confident & more satisfied. Do it because YOU matter & because YOU have something to offer the world. Your beauty, your grace, your joy, your love - all gifts from God.
Why wouldn't you want to polish up the tool you have to share those gifts with others, aka your body?
Thanks for the post & the discussion. It's been interesting.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm
This whole issue comes down to the heart. Do we honor our husbands in the way we dress. I know in my heart when my unkempt physical appearance (or the shape of our home for that matter) is from laziness or if their is a good reason. I appreciate my husband's grace when I need it (especially as a mom of two small children), I don't want to take advantage of that though. This blog entry has been a good reminder of that.
Our husbands see lots of different types of people during his day. I think it is indeed a matter of biblical principle that we strive to be attractive for them. The definition of "attractive" looks different for each couple. For some it may just be that they change their shirt just before their husband comes home so not to smell like baby spit up :) As the baby grows out of that though...the bar should probably rise a little. It takes me 10 min. to fix my hair in the morning, it's a step I neglect several days of the week. I look and feel more put together when I take this extra 10 min. I will have to work on that! '
P.S. I reposted several of Mary's articles on modesty and I took a little heat too! :) It did not deter me from reposting though, we need to share biblical truth.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Yes, take care of yourself, God asks us to. And, sure, discuss with your husband what he likes best... he probably asks you about his appearance as well, to see if you like how he's looking :c) . Outside of that, there's not much left to be said. Let the world go the way it goes. Love them, don't be them. If you plaster on the spray and make up, so be it, as long as you've put your effort first (those 30 to 60 minutes might be really valuable to those with little time) into your love of Christ (in the word, in encouraging your 'brethren', in prayer etc.). Some of us girls look pretty ridiculous in make up, trust me I know. When I do try it, I have to go with VERY little otherwise, boy oh, weirdness!! This is probably for the best, that stuff is a huge money pit... and I have tendency to go overboard, collecting 'sweet, harmless, helpful things'... like really great pens, notepads, purses, wonderful smelling natural soaps (most of which I end up sharing as soon as the opportunity arises). The sprays and great smelling shampoos usually make me sick (maybe an allergy thing?) and my husband doesn't normally like me 'smelling like someone else' <his words. It seems to freak him out a little.
I haven't anything 'real' to add, just that: Elizabeth you're hilarious! Heat stroke?!!! Outrageously, funny comment. Thanks for your endearing and gentle comments for both sides of the discussion.
Dina, I also loved your gentle statement. I say this only so you know, this Sister found your words both godly and valuable.
My last thoughts:
Magnify Him. Ask Him for perspective and be wise, as it says in Proverbs, be glad to be rebuked IF it turns you from displeasing God, to bringing your paths into His ways. Look into the word for yourselves to see if it's 'really' one or the other... maybe as some have suggested it's a nice friendly blend of both.
Peace, love n' blessings,
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Beauty is good. But "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes" - 1 Peter 3:3; and 1 Timothy 2:9 says much the same thing.
I don't take this to mean that, in our culture, it is wrong do to those specific things. I take it to mean that, in any culture, it is wrong to focus "too much" - whatever that means - on adorning our bodies to look beautiful.
We do people a disservice by pressuring them to spend large quantities of time and grief each week agonizing and competing over what clothes to buy or how to do their hair.
We do people a disservice by defining beauty too narrowly, as being "well-put together" or "young-looking" or "sexually attractive."
And we most certainly do people a disservice by having double standards for men and women, in both of whose image the beauty of God is reflected.
on Tuesday, June 7, 2011 at 11:28 pm
I agree; beauty is definitely a good thing...but the question is, what does “beautiful” mean? Scripture provides much insight into this--
"Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." - 1 Samuel 16:7
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." - 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:30
"I also want women to dress modestly...not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." - 1 Timothy 2:9-10
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” – Colossians 3:12
Scripture makes it clear that true beauty comes from our within. Period.
However, there is still the question, what should we wear?
Well, you can’t really give a one-size-fits-all answer. Everyone has different circumstances. What about the homeless woman who recently came to the Lord but has no money to spend on her appearance? The missionary woman who spends her life “down and dirty,” helping those in need? The busy woman who is so in love with Christ that she would rather spend her precious free time with Him than doing her hair?
Because it is such a gray-area type of issue, we must focus less on the issue itself and more on our hearts. We should focus first and foremost on our relationship with Christ, on loving people, and on cultivating inner beauty and the fruits of the Spirit. That is what’s truly important; as the references above say, the Lord looks at the heart, not outward appearance.
Now if loving others (perhaps a husband) and following the Spirit’s leading, for you, includes taking a little extra time on your appearance, so be it. If for you it includes letting appearance take a backseat to more important things, so be it.
Wear whatever is available and suitable for the work the Lord has laid on your heart; even if it’s not perfect, you’ll be just fine. It will look different for every person based on what He’s calling them to, so rather than figuring out how everyone should dress, let’s encourage everyone to simply follow Him in their lives. :)
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 12:20 am
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 8:42 am
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 10:04 am
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm
on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 4:22 pm
on Thursday, June 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Isaiah 3 starting with verse 16 (and down to the end of the chapter) begins:
16Moreover the LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet: 17Therefore the LORD will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will discover their secret parts.
One would think from this that it would be more Biblical to avoid a lot of outward, fake, beautification. We were taught that we should be clean, modestly and neatly dressed, hair combed, and faces scrubbed clean. That was how a Christian woman should take care of themselves.
on Thursday, June 9, 2011 at 7:21 pm
on Friday, June 10, 2011 at 8:48 am
on Sunday, June 12, 2011 at 10:03 pm
on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm