“Hey, why’d you take the expressway at this time of day?? Don’t you know this is the worst time to take that route? Why didn’t you go the back way–we’ll be late!” Another husband crumples in defeat under his wife’s correction. Once again his mental recording plays in his head “Why even attempt to make your own decisions? You never make the right one; you’ll never measure up to her expectations . . . why even try??!”
If we could hit rewind and begin this woman’s day with the question “Are you planning to emasculate your husband and shut him down with your opinions today?” She’d probably reply with something like, “No way! I want him to be the leader in our relationship. I’d never treat him that way.” I don’t think any of us ever plan emasculation; it just seems to happen before we know it. Why do we do that?
I’m not talking about healthy observations or positive “constructive criticism.” And I’m not advocating ignoring sin or biblical confrontation (here are my thoughts on that issue). What I’m talking about is that irritating tendency to view his decisions through the narrow grid of my tightly-held opinions. It’s that kind of critical spirit that rears its ugly head to dismantle your husband’s confidence and cripple his desire to lead.
We’d probably all agree with the source, and sum it up in that catch-all sin: PRIDE. But why does emasculation come so easy? I’m wondering if it also has something to do with the way we are wired: as helpers!
Our intentions are honorable. The motive is to help our men improve. (I think I know the best way, and surely it’s helpful to let him know the “best way,” right?) But the end result is NOT helpful to a man who desperately needs to be given room to lead! Perhaps the best help I can give when he’s attempting to lead is to close my mouth and offer a supportive smile.
I’m not saying we should never give input or share our thoughts. I’m simply suggesting letting go of the little stuff. I’ve found that when I encourage his leadership in the small things, he asks for my input in the big things.
Consider this, why not let your husband choose the route and, if it takes longer than you like . . . so what? Is getting somewhere on time more important than your husband’s heart? He may or may not learn from his choice and take a different route next time, but isn’t it better for him to gain that knowledge as a “man on a mission” rather than having his wife tell him what to do?
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1).
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Comments
We have a grave responsibility to 'truly help' our husbands and that doesn't mean instruct them.
I love your thoughts on this subject. Thank you for posting it. and God Bless You as this will surely help us wives.
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 7:36 am
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 8:01 am
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 8:34 am
First off, if he does any chore around the house, I thank him. And I don't go back and redo whatever he did. Second if we are driving rather than tell him, I ask if he would like a suggestion on another route. And then I say "If it were me, I would __________, but you should do whatever you think is best." That frees him up to make a decision. Sometimes he has found that my way is better and sometimes I have found that his way is better. Also, I have a fantastic husband who regularly asks me for my opinion. But learning to hold your tongue is a very valuable skill in any situation. Questions to ask are "Does it glorify God?" ,"Is it edifying?", and "Will it really hurt anything if I don't speak up?".
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:02 am
Our husbands finally throw-up their hands in exasperation and give the "reins" of the family & marriage to us. Then we get even MORE critical because they aren't leading. They become "lazy" because we've taken over. We become more critical because of their "laziness"--which causes them to become more lazy. It's a vicious cycle which can only be stopped by GRACE.
Women, we MUST stop this cycle in our homes! We must remember to breathe words of love and grace to our husbands (and children--we do the same thing to them). We need to check our self-righteous expectations at the door and love them like Jesus does--unconditionally and whole-heartedly.
Who cares what outfit our hubby puts on the baby or how he loads the dishwasher?? He loved us enough to help. Who cares what route he takes to the store?? He loves us enough to spend time with us.
Let's release our husbands from our oppressive expectations and free them to lead us--however they want!
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:16 am
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:42 am
We started out without any guidance and young in the faith. We had our pain along the way trying to get it right. We hung together and God blessed much.
I mentor when I can. Some want it: some do not. Older ladies need to present themselves more to young ladies and be available. If you do not let them know, they won't ask.
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:48 am
I praise God my husband now just laughs at me and we end up joking about it. Whew!!
If it weren't for his graceful spirit (and his intent on leading) I wouldn't stop trying!
Thanks for this post!
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:54 am
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 11:45 am
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm
If you truly think he is picking you apart, seek wise counsel. Talk to your husband and see if he would let you talk with your Pastor or someone who can help your work through the issues.
Pray....Pray....Pray...Pray. I so underestimated the power to pray for my husband. To see if there was vaildity in what he was saying. To change what was wise rebuke, and appeal what was not.
You have the responsibility to be a peace-maker. Looking at the conflict as an opportunity for God to grow character in you both. You can only be responsible for you and appeal to the other person. The change is up to God.
Again, if you think he is truly unjust...pray God will bring someone to help with the communication of the conflict. It is hard and hurtful to always be picked apart. Men are fixers, and sometimes, don't realize the pain they are inflicting. They can be analytical and unfeeling, but not because they want to hurt, but they want to help. It's not always an evil intent.
I will be praying for you. Praying for wisdom in seeking counsel, praying for a touch of grace and encouragement from God's Word and christian fellowship, and to bind the Evil One from attacks on your precious union! Hang in there, sister....you are loved and accepted by the blood of Jesus!
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 2:32 pm
on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm
on Wednesday, July 20, 2011 at 1:43 am
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
on Wednesday, July 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm
on Wednesday, December 19, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I am so sorry for your difficult situation. I understand your frustration, but hatred for your husband is not the solution, nor will it benefit anyone.
A simple blog comment from me is totally inadequate to address your situation. You mention receiving counsel, I wonder whether you've spoken to your church leadership and appealed to them for help. I highly recommend that.
I encourage women to be a source of inspiration to their husbands, but also to be a help to them by holding them spiritually accountable to the truth of God's Word. I often share these guidelines with women who are struggling in a situation where the husband is caught in sin or failing to fulfill his responsibilities:
"Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:5-6).
Scripture instructs us to humbly and lovingly confront the sin of a fellow believer -- even if that believer is our husband, a brother in Christ (Galatians 6:1-2; Matthew 18:15-18). I don't know whether your husband is a Christian, but if he is, here are a few general guidelines for wives when confrontation is necessary:
1) Seek the Lord first. Spend time in prayer and the Word asking God for His direction and timing before confronting.
2) Be sure your desire to confront stems from the motive of spiritual restoration for your husband - not in order to "fix things" more to your liking.
3) Search your own heart to see if there are areas of sin that need to be confessed before God and perhaps to your husband (Matt. 7:5). As difficult as it will be, in order to confront your husband, you will need to extend the same grace and forgiveness to him that has been shown to you (Ephesians 4:31-32).
4) Consider writing out your concerns in a letter. Most men do not respond well to emotional pleas, angry confrontations or impassioned exchanges. Putting things in a cordial written form is sometimes helpful in preventing that type of confrontation.
5) Before confronting, release unrealistic expectations. Depend on the Holy Spirit to bring conviction, not your words. Determine that once you've voiced your concerns, you will leave this in the Lord's hands.
6) If your husband remains unrepentant in sin and that sin reaches a level that requires the intervention of spiritual leadership, you will need to follow the process of confrontation as outlined in Matthew 18:15-18.
7) Do not enable your husband in his sin. Let him know that he should not make right choices out of fear of your reaction. He is responsible before God for his actions. After sincerely communicating this to him - allow him to reap the consequences of his own sin. No matter how difficult it is for you to watch -- don't bail him out.
8) Diligently, specifically, and regularly intercede in prayer for your husband's area of struggle. Do not talk to him about his sin more than you talk to God about it. After you've confronted him, give him time and space to repent while you go to the Lord with your concerns about the issue, rather than your husband.
My prayer is that God will fill you with hope as He gives you a glimpse of what He can do. I pray that you will communicate openly, honestly and in loving humility, your heart to your mate. Please do not retreat to a world of self-pity or anger.
No matter what your husband chooses to do, Christ is to be the center of your devotion and affections. Look to Him to fill your deepest needs.
I pray that your mate will respond in receptivity and humility and with a willingness to make the hard choices of unselfishness and be willing to agree with you to go to whatever lengths are necessary in order to fulfill his responsibilities as a husband and father.
The team at Revive Our Hearts is lifting up your marriage to the Lord in prayer. We are unable to serve as counselors or advisers, but we will serve as your intercessors. We encourage you to seek biblical counsel from your church leadership.
on Thursday, December 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm