19 comments

Erin Davis

When It Comes to the Mommy Wars, I’m Waving the White Flag

Posted on 06.11.12 by Erin Davis | Twitter: @ErinGraffiti
Topics: With Your Kids

Did you catch a glimpse of the May 21, 2012 TIME Magazine cover? It features a real mom from Los Angeles with her three-year-old son nursing while eyeing the camera with a toddler glare. The cover story for the issue asks “Are You Mom Enough?” and hones in on attachment parenting. 

If TIME was going for shock, they got it. If their goal was conversation, they’ve created plenty of that. But the reason for the firestorm isn’t the momma’s exposed breast or the age and size of her still nursing son. The reason people are talking (and I am writing) is because the magazine dared to ask a question we are all asking ourselves, “Am I mom enough? Do I have what it takes to mother well? And if I fail, what price will need to be paid?”

This week, attachment parenting gets all the buzz. Next week, it will be breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. Inevitably, the co-sleeping, baby-wearing, organic mommas will look down their noses on those who put babies in cribs in their own rooms, push them in a stroller, and look the other way when their baby eats who knows what off the floor. And those mommas will in turn think (or perhaps say) something snarky about the crunchy granola mom with the kale in her cart. And then there’s the merry-go-round we all seem to love to ride—the working mom vs. stay-at-home mom debate. Moms in both camps feel the need to defend the arrangement their family has made in terms that sound absolute.

The problem with the comparison game is that everyone loses. When moms constantly compare notes, the result is only guilt laced with unrealistic expectations. The mom who plays loses because she feels like she isn’t succeeding as a mom. Her kids lose because they are evaluated by someone else’s measuring stick.

Your mothering instincts are real. You know when your baby is ready to move to his or her own room, stop nursing, or go to school. Someone else’s child may be on a completely different timetable, and that’s okay. Likewise, you know what you have the capacity to handle as a mother and which battles are worth fighting in your house. For example, I love to cook and I do my best to feed my children nutritiously, but occasionally they have pop tarts for breakfast and popcorn for dinner. I understand that nutrition is really important, and veggies are our friends, but eating organic is simply not my war.

Let’s lay down our weapons, moms. Let’s stop looking over the fence and comparing notes every chance we get and work harder to stick together, because motherhood is tough. It is made tougher when we exhaust precious energy second-guessing every decision.

It starts with you, mom. You can’t make another mom stop comparing or start doing things your way. But you can make the choice to put an end to the comparison game in your own heart and ask God to help you prioritize mothering as an alternative to following the crowd.

Let me help you with a simple exercise. Leave a comment below listing what you do really well as a mother. What are your strengths? What do you do that helps your children thrive?

Then make me a pinky promise. As you read other mothers’ comments, don’t think to yourself, I wish that was my strength. Instead, be thankful that you are created by a God with infinite abilities to equip you to mother.

I know it is hard to stop playing the comparison game. But it’s time to lay comparison, guilt, shame, and doubt down and to mother our own the best we know how. We can trust God to take it from there.

For more on the question, “Are You Mom Enough?” check out these great posts:

 

 

Comments

  1. Excellent post! Love how you lay out our comparison thoughts and tackle the issues that the Enemy likes to use to divide. May today, at least, and this post be used for God's glory with an attitude of thanksgiving for the way the Lord has made each one of us simply enough.

    What do I do well?
    I say I am sorry.
    I listen to their heart, not only their words.
    I strive to put boundaries on my work and ministry time to make time for them, when they want me.
    I discipline them.
    I give them Scripture truths for everyday life.
    I pray for them and with them.
    I goof around with them and make them laugh.
    I've given into their need for a cuddle and have become quite good at it.
    I love, honor, and respect their father.
    I get them what they need, not always what they want.
    I follow Jesus, hoping they'll follow my pattern, too.

    Now that was uncomfortable. Can I list all that I don't do, too?
    http://www.moretobe.com
    posted by Lisa
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 6:28 am
  2. .I ask for their forgiveness
    .I pray for them
    .I read to them about heroes of the faith
    .I adore their daddy in front of them
    .They see me fail ALOT and ask
    Jesus for grace to live godly
    .I try to honor others in from of them
    Especially leaders
    .Sometime I give cookies after discipline
    so they know love and correction go hand in hand

    I'm done : ) that felt freeing because I've never
    Thought much about what I do well by the grace
    Of God, only My failures. Its really an excercise
    In Thanksgiving, not self praise. Thank you
    posted by Marjorie
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 7:07 am
  3. I'm a much better grandma because I don't have to make all those decisions, most of my job is just loving on them!!
    But, what helped our children most was loving and respecting their dad, demonstrating permanence in marriage vows through smooth and rough times.
    Then admitting to the times I blew it and apologizing as needed.
    http://laughingatwinter.blogspot.com/
    posted by Julie
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 7:37 am
  4. Although I've known that since the feminist movement our culture has had pendulum shifts that affect how the majority mothers, I never really thought if it as a war. It wasn't until recently reading about this on another blog that I started to give thought to it. I have just always thought that what works for some moms doesn't work for others. It makes me wonder how many times I've been looked down on for my mothering style and didn't even know it.
    Thank you for making me think about what I'm doing right. Unfortunately, I often focus on my failures. I teach them to find their identity in Christ and to love how he made Them. I pray for them. I teach and by Gods grace model His word. I show them my own need for grace when I mess up and the power of forgiveness. I teach them how very important it is to embrace Gods design for womanhood and marriage. I teach them the joys of loving your husband and being a submissive wife.
    posted by A
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 7:56 am
  5. Here is a link to a similar blog that started me thinking on this very topic last month. http://www.gracecoversme.com/2012/05/end-to-mommy-wars.html


    What I do well???...I'm not sure.
    I watch a lot of baseball games and cheer no matter what.
    I stop whatever I'm doing when my youngest asks me to cuddle and do it, even if it's just for a couple minutes or whenever my teenager has a private question I don't make him wait to ask until I finish a task.
    We pray for small things...even finding the right tennis shoes at the right price.
    We laugh a lot.
    We enjoy creation together--and the Creator.
    posted by Tracy
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 8:05 am
  6. Wow, did I ever need this post today! I have just graduated my final 2 homeschool students and still struggle with the mommy wars. We do need to wave the white flag and join forces to help the next generation succeed.

    So, what do I do well?

    I am a good teacher and have instilled a love of learning in my children, as well as encouraging other mothers on their own homeschool journey.

    I believe I have a good balance between providing a fun home where all the kids want to congregate without trying to act like a teenager.

    I love to plan surprises!! I love to make vacations, holidays, and birthdays extra special.

    I have modeled hospitality and generosity, though not perfectly, and made church attendance a habit.

    I stay current on our scrapbook photo albums.

    I love my children and their father unconditionally.

    Well, that was uncomfortable, but I also think it was healing. It is far too easy to list all our shortcomings. Thank you for the encouragement to praise God for how He is working in my life.
    posted by Sharon
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 8:12 am
  7. This post is a hard one for me because I am often reminded of my failures as a mom by my grown offspring, whose heart is still in rebellion. In her anger, she often blames my child-rearing for her problems. But by the grace of God, my hindsight is 20/20; I can recognize the positive and negatives of my child-raising practices. As I now raise my granddaughter, I use this hindsight to help guide my current efforts. I can honestly say that one thing I really do well this time around is I give generously of my greatest commodity: my time. I make sure to not put my granddaughter off when she needs my attention, whether it's to show me the umpteenth picture she's drawn that day, or to tell me how her friend hurt her feelings.

    And in mothering my grown child, Jesus is teaching me to love beyond measure, even in the most difficult of situations. And I do. And He is faithful to continue the good work in my daughter that He has begun.
    posted by Shannon
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 8:50 am
  8. I really appreciate today's blog. As a mother of five grown children (one in heaven now), sons-in-law, and soon-to-be-three grandsons, I encourage moms to take the initiative to join together in praying fervently for each other's children. It's such an evil world out there. Lay aside the comparisons, because as long as we're competing with each other, we'll neglect praying together. Appreciate what each mom brings to the table, then pray fervently that you, your spouse and your children will walk closely with Christ, and that they'll show grace to others as well. We need a unted mom presence in this culture.
    posted by Stephani
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am
  9. "Comparison is the thief of joy" (T. Roosevelt)

    Isn't that the truth!

    What I do well:

    Laugh.
    Cry.
    Tell my kids the truth.
    Ask forgiveness.
    Read the Bible with my children.
    Tell them I'm glad they are my child and I'm their mom.
    Get back up and try again the next day.
    http://www.kneesdownchinup.com/
    posted by Susan McCurdy
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 9:50 am
  10. Wow, these thoughts are certainly timely for me! Just last week I was reduced to tears (after leaving the conversation) by another mom who, out of the blue, started picking a Mommy War.

    Not only do the thoughts posted here remind me to look at my own strengths, but also the importance of looking at another mom's strengths rather than focusing on our differences.

    My strengths:

    I am an educational and medical advocate for my children. God has blessed me with an analytical mind and tenacity which has enabled me to find answers and resources to meet their unique needs.

    I give lots of "mama time." Hugs, kisses, cuddles, individual attention. I am a good listener.

    I am a good teacher. I can usually find the path to the "light bulb" moment for each kid.

    I model and teach routines for daily living and life skills.

    I encourage creativity.

    I pray with them and for them. I show them how to apply the Scriptures to everyday questions and problems. We sing praise to God at home, in the car, and at church.

    I give them opportunities to do things their way and to learn from those experiences.

    I ask them to forgive me....often.

    Although it's been difficult to list these strengths without including shortcoming qualifiers, I do feel better now. Thank you for this message.
    posted by Babette
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 9:54 am
  11. Thanks Erin. As a constant "comparer" I need to focus on being thankful for how God has made me and not think regularly of how I fail.

    Blessings and grace to you as well.
    http://wholenewmom.com
    posted by Adrienne @ Whole New Mom
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 10:39 am
  12. The focus in parenting shouldn't be "how does someone else do it?" but "How does God want me to raise my children for His glory?". When we look to others for our decisions we will get many different answers. When we look to God for our answer we get One answer- the right one!
    I think all of us, myself included, focus on what others think. It is a distraction, an idol, and will lead us to despair. Only by looking to the Creator of our children will we be led in the right way!
    posted by Michele Lofgren
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 12:44 pm
  13. Thank you for making me do this today as I am like most women and can tell you without a second thought what I do wrong or what isn't up to snuff about my parenting skills.

    I never part from them without letting them know how much I love them.

    I pray with and over them constantly.

    I make it a point to make them smile and laugh at least three times daily.

    I teach them to respect and appreciate differences in others.

    I teach them to stand up for those that cannot stand up for themselves.

    I teach them about the attrocities of this world and also the beauty in it.

    I teach them to be responsible for the failures, but to focus on their successes both small and large.

    I teach them about the LOVE of GOD and His commandment that we LOVE everyone no matter what.

    I teach them that they must determine how they will react to everything and decide if it is a wave or a ripple in their lives.

    I teach them to love, respect and forgive themselves.

    I teach them to cherish their loved ones and make sure that they share their love with them.

    I discipline them and talk them through the situation and help them determine how they will do things differently in the future.

    I advocate for them and teach them to be their own advocates.

    I snuggle with them in the middle of the night and kiss and hug them while they dream.

    I gave them to God at their birth and trust that He will help me to be the best mother I can be for them.
    posted by Teresa Hobson
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm
  14. What have I done RIGHT in mothering?

    I was an advocate for my children when they were in the Public School System; I stood up for them & got after them when they did wrong.

    I kept/ keep them safe from those who want to do them harm.

    I'm trying to teach them about people-- People aren't to be trusted, because we live in a fallen world, Trust is EARNED! To learn discernment!

    I'm HONEST with my children.

    I teach them to be careful of what they put into their bodies! Whether it's music, reading, video games etc. It MUST be Godly! Because what goes in, comes out!

    I teach them service to God.

    I teach them to respect their father.

    I teach them to say, "I'm sorry!" BY EXAMPLE!

    I try to make times that are SPECIAL!

    I treat them special! When I make "tea time" I lay out my best dishes etc. to make it REALLY SPECIAL!

    I teach them manners.

    I teach them to stand up for others.

    I teach them to be INDEPENDENT THINKERS! NOT to fall into following the crowd!

    I teach them they can come to us with ANYTHING & they will be accepted with unconditional love!

    I teach them to exercise their gifts!

    I teach them that GOD is the answer to EVERY PROBLEM!

    Whew! That does feel good! Most of the time, I'm thinking what an awful mother I am! What a terrible mother I've been! Thank you for posting this!
    http://tladydesigns.blogspot.com/
    posted by Becky Green
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 6:26 pm
  15. This is a tough one. One of my greatest areas of temptation is to be a man pleaser. It doesn't work... ever! And it doesn't glorify God. I often quote the verse to myself that Paul wrote, that those who compare themselves among themselves are not wise. So what have I done right by God's grace?
    Well, my sister was over today with her children. We had set up the kiddie pool and they were having a blast with the cold hose water. Out of the blue she commented, "you are such a good mom, Caryn!" Why? Because I wasn't being "stingy" with our hose water! I laughed out loud. Somehow, I didn't expect that to be considered "good parenting" but she thought it was and it really encouraged me that she expressed it out loud!
    That makes me want to observe other moms more closely with their kids and encourage them with "random" ways that they are being good "moms"!
    And of course the most important thing is that we raise our children to know the love of Christ that surpasses anything in this world and is the only thing worth living for!
    posted by Caryn
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 10:22 pm
  16. Love the post and the challenge of thinking of what I do well, to the glory of God. Like the thought of thinking about what others do well too, not what they don't do well since none of us is without need for the Lord, His grace and his power to be made perfect in our weakness!! Praise be to Him for this.
    posted by Melissa
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 12:10 am
  17. AS A MOTHER-
    I AM HONEST.

    I AM THOUGHTFUL AND TRY TO EXPRESS IT THROUGH CREATIVE WAYS

    I MAKE AN EFFORT TO LOVE THEM INDIVIDUALLY~ AND TO MEET THEM ON THEIR ‘LOVE’ LEVEL (PLAYING BASKETBALL AND DRAWING WITH ONE, READING BOOKS AND LISTENING TIME WITH ONE, SINGING SONGS AND TALKING WITH ONE)

    I LOVE AND HONOR THEIR FATHER (MY HUSBAND) IN PRIVATE AND IN PUBLIC AND MAKE A HABIT OF VERBALLY PRAISING HIM IN FRONT OF THE KIDS… I TEACH THEM TO DO THE SAME.

    I HUG AND GIVE OUT KISSES… A LOT.

    I VERBALLY PRAISE MY CHILDREN ON A DAILY BASIS…EVEN ON DAYS THAT ARE EXTREMELY HARD… I ASK GOD TO GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO PUT MY PRIDE, ANGER AND/OR FRUSTRATIONS TO THE SIDE SO THAT I CAN FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES OF PARENTING AND THAT PARTICULAR CHILD

    I GIVE THEM SCRIPTURES THAT MEET THEIR
    PARTICULAR NEED/SITUATION

    WE DISCUSS HOW WE ‘WORKED THE WORD’ FOR THE DAY…

    TO CUT DOWN/PREVENT SIBLING RIVALRY… I HAVE THEM TELL EACH OTHER WHAT THEY LOVE ABOUT EACH OTHER…AND THEN EXPLAIN TO THEM THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT AND THE DANGERS OF COMPARISON.

    I ASK FOR THEIR FORGIVENESS…..OFTEN :o)

    I ASK FOR GOD’S GRACE, STRENGTH, MERCY AND FORGIVENESS…. OFTEN… OUT LOUD.

    I DO RANDOM ACTS OF SILLINESS… JUST BECAUSE.


    I DANCE WITH THEM...EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO MUSIC...

    I ADMIT WHEN I’M WRONG AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS…

    AS LED OF THE LORD, I SHARE EXPERIENCES FROM MY CHILD, TEEN, YOUNG- ADULT YEARS… SOMETIMES THEY ARE SHOCKED THAT I CAN RELATE… I ALWAYS BRING IN THE GRACE, MERCY AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF GOD…

    I AM A GOOD COOK AND ENJOY PREPARING THEIR MEALS, FIXING THEIR PLATES, SETTING THE TABLE AND SERVING THEM…

    I PRAY WITH AND FOR THEM EVERYDAY

    I HAVE THE ABILITY TO BREAK LIFE LESSONS DOWN ON THEIR LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING

    I FILTER TELEVISION, MUSIC, BOOKS, FOOD, DRINKS, ATMOSPHERES, ‘FRIENDS’, ETC AND HAVE OPEN DISCUSSION ON THE IMPORTANCE OF WATCHING WHAT WE CONSUME (PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY…)

    I KEEP A CLEAN HOME

    I WASH THEIR CLOTHES

    I AM HANDS ON WITH THEIR EDUCATION

    I SUPPORT THEIR EXTRA-CIRRICULAR ACTIVITIES

    OFTEN I GIVE THEM “5 MORE MINUTES” OF SLEEP AND “10 EXTRA MINUTES OF STAYING AWAKE”

    I ALLOW MY DAUGHTER TO COME INTO MY ROOM AND TALK TO ME THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR… DURING MY ‘QUIET TIME’…LOL!!! (MY MOTHER DID THE SAME FOR ME WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AND IT WAS SOME OF THE BEST CONVERSATIONS I HAD!!!--- I SAID ‘I’ BECAUSE I REALLY JUST WANTED HER TO LISTEN…)

    THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I STRUGGLE DAILY ON SELF-CRITICISM… ESPECIALLY AS A PARENT… I AM ASKING GOD TO HELP ME MOMENT BY MOMENT TO WALK IN THE ASSURANCE THAT ALTHOUGH I AM NOT, NOR WILL EVER BE THE PERFECT PARENT, I AM BLESSED TO BE UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF ONE!

    PART OF THE REASON I THINK WE STRUGGLE AS PARENTS (ESPECIALLY MOMS) IS WE ARE ‘TOO’ CONNECTED TO OUR CHILDREN. WE THINK THAT EVERY ACTION OUR CHILD TAKES-WITH GREAT EMPHASIS ON THE NEGATIVE ONES- IS A DIRECT REFLECTION ON US AS PARENTS-ON WHO WE ARE-- WELL, ALTHOUGH THIS HAS A SMALL MERIT OF TRUTH(AND I MEAN SMALL)… WE COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE IN CHARGE OF THEIR FREE WILL(RIGHT OR WRONG)…JUST LIKE OUR PARENTS WEREN’T IN CHARGE OF OURS…NOR THEIRS ETC.

    ---WHEN WE DO THIS… IT IS A DIRECT RESULT OF TRYING TO HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL. IT IS SOOOO NOT POSSIBLE TO HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER OUR CHILDREN…OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER.

    I AM LEARNING…DAILY THAT IT IS ONLY WHEN WE SURRENDER UNTO GOD WHAT CONTROL WE ‘THINK’ WE HAVE THAT WE WILL BEGIN TO EXPERIENCE TRUE PEACE AS MOTHERS…

    I PRAY THAT WE CAN PUT TO DEATH THE SPIRIT OF COMPARISON SO THAT THE PRESSURE OF ‘BEING PERFECT CHILDREN’ WILL END AS WELL…
    posted by Honey
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 6:05 am
  18. How to Stop The War On Women and The Mommy Wars http://cour.at/M9rBu3
    posted by Book PR Girl
    on Saturday, June 30, 2012 at 11:49 am
  19. Excellent Post!
    What I do well:
    I give hugs.
    I make sure there is always food on the table for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
    I try to arrange playdates so my son has time with friends.
    I read him the bible, and talk to him about Jesus.
    I try to encourage him every chance I get.
    I apologize when I have made a mistake.
    I love him for him.
    posted by Jamey
    on Monday, April 8, 2013 at 10:37 am

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