19 comments

Lina Abujamra

Eroding My Wall Brick by Brick

Posted on 07.10.12 by Lina Abujamra | Twitter: @LinaMay

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Broken wall

I go to a big church made up of a bunch of small groups. I have a weird relationship with my small group. I love them. I rely on them. But sometimes, I find it hard to really talk to them. Maybe you know what I mean.

It’s inevitably my turn to talk, and I never know what to say. The weirdest part is that I’m usually a person without a loss for words. I’m honestly not sure what brings on this brain freeze but it drives me crazy.

It happened to me again this week. The things I wanted to say wouldn’t come out, and the things I didn’t intend to say came pouring out of my mouth. As I drove home, I thought of all the things I might have said. So I wrote this letter to my small group.

Dear Small Group,

I know I’ve been acting weird lately. I’m really sorry about it. By the looks of it, I’m sure it seems as if I’ve become detached and uninterested. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The truth is that I’m scared.

Several years ago I started building this wall around me. It started slowly, brick by brick. Every time someone would say something hurtful, I added a little brick. Every time I opened up to someone and it came back to bite me, I added another little brick.

I didn’t notice it at first. It wasn’t very high, and I could see over the edge. But after a couple of years of laying bricks, I realized that it was harder to really see without standing on my tippy toes. By then the wall was so high and so strong that it seemed easier to keep on building.

Then I met you. At first, you didn’t bother my wall much. It was easy to peek at your faces through the cracks. I enjoyed it because it’s fun to watch other people through the cracks.

One day, you took me by surprise. I glanced to my right and noticed that one of you was scratching at a brick. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was slow work, but you kept on scraping at that brick. Before long I heard a bang and noticed that it was the sound of a brick falling on the ground. It didn’t bother me at first. It was just one brick.

I stopped paying very close attention until several months into our relationship. One day I took a quick glance at the perimeter of my wall and was shocked to see that an entire side was ruined. I was startled, but knew I could survive it. It was my good side, after all.

I had some serious thinking to do. I would either need to find some bricks and start building again, or I could live with just three sides to my wall. I thought back over the years it took me to build the wall. It was hard work. It had taken time and a toll on me. I decided to live with just three walls.

But that meant that I’d need to protect those bricks even more. So I stopped talking. I was petrified. What if you dared come up to my wall and start scraping at another side? What would I do then? I felt paralyzed.

I have to admit I could see you better without that one wall on my side, but I just wasn’t sure how much of me I wanted you to see.

Just recently I got this feeling that you had begun eroding another side of my wall. It was time to take action. The next time my turn was up, I’d make sure you understood you were to stay away from my wall. I glared. I kept my answers short. I even threw out a few zingers.

But it didn’t work. You see, I hadn’t been counting on one thing: you’d already made it inside my wall. I’m not sure how or when it happened. I’m not even sure I ever really invited you in–not formally at least. All I know is that one day you were hovering outside my wall, and the next I noticed you had slipped inside it.

The funny thing is that I didn’t mind as much as I thought I would. I kind of actually liked having company inside that wall. It hit me as I was driving home the other day. I’ve wasted so much time trying to lay bricks that are made of sand. I want you to give them a good kick and knock them down.

See, deep down, even though I seem detached, I don’t want you to leave. Deep down, I’ve found out I love you. So . . . I guess what I’m trying to say is thanks. Thanks for sticking it out with me and thanks for your unconditional love.

Sincerely,

Me

Can you relate to erecting walls between you and others? Do you know why? What can you do today to invite others in?

Comments

  1. Paula, I love your post (and your hair in the True Woman DVDs) . It is so true how we fall into the lie/trap that hiding is the safest place to be. The only "hiding" is the kind in Christ where we are to find our identity and source of complete satisfaction. Once we learn to "hide" in Christ, we truly begin living and loving without strings attached! I am finding this to be true in my life/walk with God. From someone who hid behind walls toooo long! Let me encourage others to bust out those walls by God's grace. Life is truly much more fun, challenging true, but more exciting and rewarding!
    posted by Rebecca Colucci
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 6:44 am
  2. I have ALWAYS felt God wanted us to be VULNERABLE to each other. The problem is, people use that vulnerability to take those "bricks" & beat you over the head! And it ISN'T PLEASANT! It hurts TREMENDOUSLY! ESPECIALLY when it's the body of Christ! Those that call themselves, "Christians!" When I look at God's Word, I see those people AREN'T Christians! But, they are people that give Christianity a BAD NAME! They do all the things a Christian does, works..., they talk like Christians....BUT, the fruit, if you look closely, SMELLS rancid, & there are little nasty flies around it! It's ALL an ILLUSION! AND you see they're lying to everyone & THEMSELVES! Still, it makes one run to their four walls & bolt the door as many REAL Christians around them are "yes" people! And it DOES make one less willing to be vulnerable!
    http://tladydesigns.blogspot.com/
    posted by Becky Green
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 7:51 am
  3. So a friend forwarded this post to me, It seems someone has knocked down part of my wall :) Yes, I struggle with my walled self. I really have to seek the Lord when I get hurt, to keep myself from building that wall thicker. I should probably copy this letter to my small group. Thanks for sharing.
    www.LayeredSoul.com
    posted by Stacey
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 8:45 am
  4. Thanks, Rebecca! The woman who curled it did a great job.

    Thought I should clear things up--our team accidentally said I wrote this post, but it was actually written by Lina Abujamra. Sure did speak to me, though!
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 10:47 am
  5. This really speaks to what is going on in my right now. In the last two years, my mother, my father-in-law, a nephew and 18 year old in our church has died. People around just go on living when I am hurting so much. I feel like I reach out so much to others and was resentful that those "friend" around me just keep going and it hasn't seemed like they care to minister to me. Do you hear the "me, me, me" in all of this? Yes, I know I have been building bricks of isolation and even jealousy between myself and these people. I know the problem is mine. Jesus wants my intimacy and relationship and I know I have to humble myself and try to tear down the bricks I have built and rebuild, in honesty and speaking the truth in love, those relatlionships I have closed the door on. My prayer is that the Lord would use this to help me "see" and minister to others who are hurting. God is good and loves us so deeply. Thank you for the visual picture and explanation that has helped my see the situation in my heart.
    posted by JoAnn
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 10:59 am
  6. Lina, your words are so true. I saw the same thing happen with a young man in Guatemala this week. On day one, the was withdrawn, almost sullen. We kept loving him. On day three, he surprised us all with words of wisdom in our small group. We all cheered out loud and encouraged him to speak more.

    On day five, he was speaking words of wisdom and insight that we all needed to hear, and I believe his life was totally changed. He now wants to return to his family and church and to "start over" with the power of Christ in his life. Wow!

    I wonder how long he would have stayed behind his wall if we had not committed to love and encourage him. The world and perhaps the ministry would have lost a precious Christ-follower and servant of God.
    http://heartchoicestoday.blogspot.com/
    posted by Dawn Wilson
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm
  7. Paula, it's as if you got inside me and lived there! This is EXACTLY me! But the Lord has shown me that this is the year that we begin to work on dismantling the wall. And it's very scary at times. And sometimes it just seems too hard and that it will never come down, so why even keep trying...it's much easier and safer behind the wall. But that wall has kept me from experiencing the full love of GOD and other believers. It's made me a prisoner to its lies. I'd appreciate prayer to realize the freedom that Jesus has given me!
    www.joyinthesorrow.wordpress.com
    posted by Diana Hogan
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 1:16 pm
  8. I could have written this word for word (except for the small groups)...It would have been written to those "spiritual" people in my life that I have idolized so much. I just wanted somebody to knock the wall down and help me get out. Sometimes the Lord works through people to do that but sometimes He hands you the chisel and you and He will start chiseling away at the bricks. It is hard either way.
    posted by Jodi C.
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm
  9. This is me! We have just started at a new church, husband is a pastor, and I have an extremely hard time letting anyone in. I know most of the time I seem, oh I don't know, mean, mad... But really I just don't know what to say or how to join in. I live a very isolated life and don't know how to change it. It comes from horrible treatment from girls in high school to never being welcomed into my husbands family. Now it's effecting our ministry and I just want to be liked!
    posted by A pastors wife
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 4:59 pm
  10. Thank you for posting this! You have managed to put into words something I have struggled with and wanted to change but couldn't quite put my finger on. I knew I had built in a distance with others but was having trouble defining the what and the why of it. Thank you. I will be agreeing with God about my sin in this and breathing in the freedom that He will give in the grace to be transparent :)
    posted by Susan
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 5:57 pm
  11. Dear Ladies: God bless you all for your candor. I thought I was the only one struggling with my "walls." Maybe one day the Lord will grant me a group that doesn't let me keep building.
    posted by Aly
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 7:32 pm
  12. Pastor's Wife, I can relate with you (except my husband's not a pastor). I, too, don't know what to say or know how to join in. I, too, live a very isolated life and don't know how to change it. Like you, I want to be liked. And like your horrible memories of your past, my memories of a friendless middle school experience, haunt me to this day and I feel like nothing has changed...I am still "invisible"in the room when I am supposed to be socializing and fellowshipping with my Sisters in Christ. I feel your pain!!! Ladies, PLEASE tear down the bricks that are walling off a woman in your fellowship circle. God will bless you richly for stepping out of your comfort zone of outgoing friends to reach out to one who is hurting....yet trying not to show it.
    posted by Karen K
    on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 at 11:24 pm
  13. I so loved this post. So eloquent, so vulnerable, so true. My heart goes out to those who said 'i don't know how to join in'. Please help me understand what would help. I really want to tear down a part of your bricks. Sometimes after trying, I give up. I feel weird trying to 'make' you comfortable. I loved the idea in this post she said that with time and consistancy, those bricks do fall almost like on their own. Please be patient, dear hurting sister, with those around you also. Maybe we don't know how to help. I loved the idea of writing a 'letter'that clues friends in on what is happening. I guess it is a process for all of us! Its so neat that in the Body of Christ, healing and love will happen if we all just hang in there! Keep up the good words, Lina!
    posted by Ginny
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 1:50 am
  14. Ginny, Thank you for your caring heart. And for trying to understand. I am not certain what method you are trying, to tear down another's brick wall ("Sometimes after trying, I give up"). You mentioned that you feel weird "making" a walled-off Sister feel comfortable.

    It sounds like you are trying to "force" it too much. I am really a likeable, loving, funny, spiritual person who is a great listener also. It appears on the surface I am aloof or sullen unfortunately. The reason may be I am struggling with some personal issue in my life, or maybe I just feel "outside" of the circle and want to appear that I really don't need others, since they don't apparently need me - or else they would greet me and draw me into a conversation like they so easily do with everyone (except me). Remember the oldies song with "I am a rock, because a rock feels no pain. I am an island, an island never cries." (paraphrased). Some of us wall ourselves off because we feel left out and it is a coping mechanism. We really are not boring, if you would make a patient effort to draw us out and give us a chance to prove it.

    And yes, Jesus provides everything my soul desires, but it is also nice to be in good fellowship with Christian women in my circle.
    posted by Karen K
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 9:11 am
  15. I have built a wall around myself also from my husband and my not normal marriage, and so friends will not see the reason for my hurting. I cry out to my Heavenly Father daily, everytime the walls starts to come down a little something happens that I build it back up quickly. But God is so faithful, loving, gentle and thankfully patient that it is starting to crack just a fraction. Would you please pray with me.
    posted by Li
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 11:40 am
  16. Just wanted to add something to this conversation...I know what it is like to be behind walls..I feel in some way that I am still struggling with walls (as I referenced in an earlier post). However, I have also found that if you will be so brave as to attempt to help someone else break through their walls, your wall will come down too. The Bible tells us ..."Give and it shall be given unto you, Pressed down. Shaken together. Running over shall men give into your bosom." In the context, the scripture is speaking to the judgment/treatment that you give to other people. If you attempt to help someone else, God will make sure that there is someone to help you. It is a law of God...you will reap whatever you sow.

    Just a thought...we can't wait for someone to help us...we have to reach out even in our pain and help someone else. God's grace is sufficient..
    posted by Jodi C.
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm
  17. Well said, Jodi C! In fact, we wall-builders are probably better "equipped" to empathize and therefore more patiently draw a circle of unconditional love around a hurting Sister.

    May the Lord provide grace and blessings to all the contributors to this particular blog. Love you ALL in Jesus our Redeemer.
    posted by Karen K
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm
  18. Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart. For being transparent. Yes! Thank you Lord for the people around us that you give us to help tear down our walls, brick by joyful, by painful, brick. The end result is glorious and so worth all the work!
    Be encouraged, and keep trusting Him, sisters!! I am!
    posted by Stephanie
    on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 7:50 pm
  19. Dear Sisters...... those of us inside bricked walls and those of us on the outside, trying to reach in -- let us all focus on loving each other with humility. Let us seek to be there for each other without forcing ourselves (or our opinions/convictions) on each other. This is how to reach a walled-in person and this is how a walled-in person can reach out.
    We may or may not be liked by people; our goal is to please our Father and Savior. Some people will adore you for your loving heart; others may seem to not even notice; but our Father sees all and will reward you. Friendless middle school memories may continue to haunt you daily, but you receive love from the Lord daily and seek to pass it on to others. I cannot guarantee you that you'll be happy or liked, but at least you'll have done what you can.
    posted by Broken, bricked-in heart
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 11:03 pm

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