22 comments

Trillia Newbell

Confessions of a Bully Mom

Posted on 07.12.12 by Trillia Newbell | Twitter: @TrilliaNewbell

The news is swarming with heart-wrenching stories of kids bullying other kids. It’s pretty easy for me to cast stones at these bullies. But recently I realized just how much I can be like these reckless, hateful bullies who throw out empty threats and cause great harm. I don’t bully a friend—I wouldn’t dare—and I definitely don’t bully strangers. No, I save my hateful attitudes, quick responses, and threats for my son. At these times, I am a bully mom.

I especially see my bullying tactics on display during rest time. It’s two o’clock in the afternoon and it’s “my time.” It’s quiet time in our home and the kids rest so I can work, write, clean, or do whatever I need to do without interruption. But inevitably, one of my children decides they don’t want to rest. 

“You are waking up your sister,” I yell as my son knocks his feet against the wall. I storm in the room, look him in the eyes, point my finger and say, “If you don’t stop that knocking I’m going to sit you outside.” He gets quiet. He surely doesn’t want to sit outside. I walk away, thankful that it’s quiet but quickly aware that my threat was empty, and my response was full of anger. I am convicted.

These types of scenarios have happened one too many times in my home. I can be quick to anger and loose with my tongue. Yes, my son should have obeyed. But I wasn’t going to throw him out of the house. And what does that communicate to him? When you disobey me, I will disown you, I will cut you off, and I will push you far from me. I will do harm to you if you inconvenience me. Ouch!

Left to myself, I would fall into this sinful habit each and every time I needed to address my children and teach them to obey. Obviously there’s a lot more than simply me being unkind to my kid going on here, but I like to address one thing at a time as not to be crushed by my own sin. Christ did that for me—was crushed for my sin! Because of God’s Holy Spirit, I can have self-control and learn how to be patient and gracious to my child.

Do you find yourself throwing out threats and verbally pushing your kids around? If so, you are not alone; all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). God makes it clear that this problem with our tongues is a struggle all people have:

“We all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body” (James 3:2).

I haven’t met a perfect man yet; that is, until I met Jesus! The good news is we have power to change because of Him.

God promises that if we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us (1 John 1:9). He has made us a new creation so we no longer have to be slaves to our sin; rather we can fight it and grow (Rom. 6:6). God is gracious to give us His Holy Spirit if we ask. Everything good, including our sanctification (our growth in godliness), comes from Him (James 1:17).

Those episodes of my tongue getting away from me in anger are much less these days. God has been helping me learn from His Word how to care for and love my children. It’s easy to do when we are dancing around, when they do as I say immediately, or when we are making a fun memory. But it’s in the tough times of parenting that I’m learning how to love.

Dare I say that the times my son might remember most are those days when mommy bowed her head and asked the Lord for forgiveness for her sinful anger toward him and then asked him to forgive her, too. I think those will be the times he remembers his mom is human and needy for God.

How about you? What do you do when you find yourself being a bully mom?

Comments

  1. I didnt realize what I was doing to my, little ones, I was not even browsing for such article. God is good and guide it me to read this. So that I may ask for forgiveness and help. Thank you Trilia for sharing
    posted by janet
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 7:11 am
  2. How humbly brave you are to share this. I'm not a mom-but taught school for years and also dealt with this sin.
    It's heartbreaking that we as a nation have decided to stop the bullying-so we have all these programs, interventions, etc. BUT then we have TV shows that are all about bullying. The one with the dance teacher-that is her entire style-to bully these kids and their moms-and people watch it as entertainment.
    We are so mixed up-only the power of the cross and the Holy Spirit living in us can change this.
    posted by Marilyn Williams
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 9:14 am
  3. Being brought up by a bully mom makes parenting hard when I didn't have a good role model and not sure what to do or say with my own kids. I knew what I didn't want to do, but now what? I go from bullying to spoiling and have a hard time finding the balance. I have asked my children's forgiveness and pray they do better in their generation. As a grandparent, I hope to have this down better. I find that the answer most of the time is viewing inconvenience in a different light. Seeing more as God's divine appointment to work on something in my own spiritual life. A gift from Him and not a punishment. It is a process, wanting to break the generations of anger, impatience, and selfishness passed on down to the children. With God's help, we can do this!
    True Women
    posted by Linda
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 9:18 am
  4. Wow, thank you for your transparency! I deal with the exact same issue with my son. My son is the ONLY person in this world that I treat that way and it makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes when I'm "bullying" him, it's almost like I have an out-of-body experience where I'm floating above myself and I'm saying "girl, what are you doing?!" My son is precious and I don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember a mom who lost her cool when things didn't go her way. Thankfully God (and my son!) extend grace and are there to forgive when I ask. Thank you for this post!
    posted by Amanda R.
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 9:32 am
  5. I am also guilty of this, as are many of the moms I talk with. Many times, instead of running to grace, I self-loathe and let Satan use it to make me feel like an unworthy failure. The enemy will do anything to make it about "me." The root of "mom bullying" is selfishness, and that can only be overcome by dying to self, and letting Christ live through me.

    One of the other sins of "mom bullying" is hypocrisy. Like mentioned in the article, we would never treat another human being like that. Our kids see that! They see us being loving to others and angry behind closed doors. They see us treating their interruptions differently in public than we do in private. It is a shame! The same Spirit is inside of us in public as in private! Instead of surrendering to Him wherever we are, we make our reputation an idol in public. Again, making our actions and reactions all about "me." I get so tired of myself!

    But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through Jesus Christ our Lord! 1 Corinthians 15:57
    posted by Tracy
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 10:30 am
  6. So many people speak that spanking taught them to respect their parents, but was spanking just the easiest route to get their child to obey when their temper had taken over? I am far from the perfect parent and have yelled at my children far too much, but I'm glad I didn't resort to spanking many times and I'm happy God intervenes and stops me from losing my temper and causing lasting damage to my children. There are too many horror stories of abused children so set an example for other mothers and say no to spanking!
    posted by Stephanie Claussen
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm
  7. My daughter and I experienced this. It was a day where she had continued to disobey me and I continued to yell in frustration. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart after the 4th episode that day. "You're going to raise her to feel like you always felt-a failure who's never good enough." I immediately began to cry and repent over my actions. I apologized to my daughter (4 years old-she's heard me apologize many times) and we talked about anger and forgiveness. I explained how Mommy was upset that she continued to disobey me, but it was wrong for me to yell and say mean things. God wants us to obey and respect our parents, but He also wants parents to respect and love their kids. Both of us were being disobedient to God. We spent time praying and reading verses together and haven't had an "angry" moment since.
    www.rebeccaaarup.com
    posted by Rebecca
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm
  8. Thank you so much for being brave enough to put your story out there. I'm sure many moms have felt what I have felt..."I'm the only one with this problem. No other moms would ever do this." It was at a True Woman conference in 2010 that God got hold of my heart on this topic. I have repented and thrown myself at the foot of the Cross and asked my children to forgive me. I have stumbled on my path to being a gentler parent, but I continue to try, with the help of my Jesus. He is faithful and I am grateful for his mercy and forgiveness, along with the mercy and forgiveness of my children!
    posted by Mary
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm
  9. Praise God!!! He has just spoken to me through you. You have graciously called me what I am...a "bully". With 4 little boys, I get flustered and I do raise my voice and I do make empty threats. This is not what is modeled for us in Scripture. The Lord knows how much I have struggled with this. I had no idea that others struggled with the same. Thank you for your honesty. Please pray for me as I go to God for healing and obedience in this area.
    posted by Angela
    on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm
  10. I thank God for you writing this post. I never named it but "bully mom" is a good way of putting it. I too have this struggle with my son and often have the guilt pangs at night when I go to bed and those angry words yelled at him that squelched his spirit go running through my head. I thank the Lord that my heart is soft enough to be convicted, and that I can surrender again to Him the need for self control, control of the tongue. Thank you for the verses you shared too. I am working on memorizing scripture and want these embedded in my heart.
    http://musingsofthemonroefamily.blogspot.com
    posted by Tracey M
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 12:08 am
  11. To the bully moms - I learned two things from my childhood experience:
    1) This is the way people really feel about me, and the kind of treatment I deserve.
    2) This is how (all) people really feel about (their) children.
    posted by Bonnie
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 5:22 am
  12. I wonder if anyone has read "shepherding a child's heart" . My children are grown, but read this recently and so wondered if I had applied that how all of our lives would have been different.
    posted by kathy
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 7:43 am
  13. Deeply appreciate your honesty here and am grateful that you took the risk in writing this. I had to have a total paradigm shift in the first decade of my parenting. My default was to leverage my boys with emotional consequences rather than reality based consequence (a la Tedd Tripp Sheperding a Child's Heart and Boundaries with Kids). The former being much more difficult to consistently do but way more effective. (for example, If you don't put your clothes away, I confiscate them for a week. If you complain about diner, you make your own for the next 2 nights.) One of the dangers of sharing something that's helped is to come off as above such things. I'm not.
    www.dorothygrecophotography.com
    posted by Dorothy Greco
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 10:28 am
  14. Thanks for this great article. I am thankful for the grace we have in Jesus
    posted by Heidi
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 10:50 am
  15. Thank you for this reminder ...from one bully-mom to another. Glad to know that where to go to repent and re-tread ...and try again.
    posted by Susan McCurdy
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 12:32 pm
  16. To Stephanie Claussen,
    I am sure that you are the best parent that you can be, but I disagree with your view on spanking. I grew up with a bullying mom and she would yell yell yell!! I WISHED she would spank me and just get it over with. To be honest with you, the screaming that my mom did was much more damaging to me than the times my dad spanked me. In fact, I don't even remember the times my dad spanked me, except for one. But I sure do remember my mom yelling. That has caused me to be a very impatient, yelling type person and I hate that about myself. Thank God for His grace. It is He and the Holy Spirit that work in me and prevent me from yelling at my poor husband. I constantly quote Psalm 141:3 to myself which says "Set a guard O Lord over my mouth and keep watch over the door to my lips."
    posted by Lisa
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm
  17. This article has been a conviction for me. I did not realise that I was sinning when I yelled at my kid and scared her to death. Thank you for candidly expressing your thoughts for god's glory. I hope I get better at handling my kid with the help of the holy spirit.
    posted by Shreeja
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 6:15 pm
  18. Sisters, it is such a comfort to see you all yielding to conviction and quickly repenting, plus seeking the Lord to do better going forward. I have been praying for you for a long time and I see that the Lord has been answering!

    My mom always has been and still is a bully and doesnt seem to regret it or even fully admit it. So your admittance and repentance means a lot to me (and much more to the Lord) Sisters!! It makes all the difference going forward, thanks to the grace of our Savior God through the Lord Jesus Christ.

    If the mother who carried me for 9 months, gave birth to me, worked so hard to raise me...could hate my guts so much when i was wholly focussed on being the best daughter and person I could be.... WHY WOULD GOD WANT ME???? Would HE not resent me? People would say..... you are His daughter.. what else do you want? I would think to myself... that's the problem!! I am a failure of a daughter... my own mother hates me.... why would a holy GOD want me and be patient, etc etc?!!! Praise be to the God of the Bible for being Holy AND harmless AND undefiled (etc etc). I am complete in CHRIST because of what CHRIST did on the cross. And HE isn't wringing HIS hands over how annoying i am..... HE is interceding for me and sending me grace and mercy and love and assurance and healing and security..... all the self-esteem steps in the world cannot do for me what HE has done and continues to do. Let my mom hate me! I am loved and secure in HIM.

    Sorry this is so long but i feel it's worthwhile to share this with you...

    Also i used to blame mom and my unChristian / abusive background for my struggles and shortcomings. However i now realize that irrespective of how i was raised, in my flesh is still no good thing. if it hadn't been what my mom brought out in me, it would have been something else. Besides, it was my sinfulness that even made me respond to sin with sin. The Lord Jesus was the only ONE who was sinless even when tested so sorely. I amd my problem; Not mom or my past. I am so glad for ROmans 6 where I can simply reckon myself dead to sin and trust the Lord to gradually transform me into HIS beautiful, wonderful likeness as i meditate on it.

    Enough for one posting..... praying for you fervently and daily! i am your servant in CHRIST.
    posted by sue
    on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 10:08 pm
  19. I, too, have a problem with this. I just lose it with my children. I hate it when i do it but I don't know what else to do. I know this is not a good excuse or even a reason but this is all I know...intimidation was how my parents got us to do what they wanted us to do. I didn't love my parents. I feared them. I mean, I was emotionally attached to them but the love that should be in a parent-child relationship was not there. You did what you were told and that was it.

    I am trying very hard to create a loving relationship with my children. I pray for grace and wisdom to bring them up right. It's just that on an emotional level, I don't know what to do because sometimes I feel emotionally numb.

    I pray for the love of God too. I'm one of these that wants so much to feel the love of God and find it hard to believe that He loves me because I don't feel it. By faith, I plead the blood of Jesus and thank God for His love because it is written in scripture. Sometimes, though, I just want to feel His Spriit pour over my heart. I just want to experience His touch in my heart. Pray for me please. I want to know the love of God and be a vessel that it can flow through to those around me. Jodi C.
    posted by Jodi C.
    on Monday, July 16, 2012 at 10:08 am
  20. Jodi C, i understand and can relate. The Love of God is often not felt though; it must be BELIEVED ON. This initially sounds like a let-down to us as women because we love to FEEL. However, feelings, by nature, come and go and not all emotions are suitable for every moment in time. However, HIS WORD says HE loves us... and that is constant, every moment in time. Over time, you will get used to feeling secure in HIS love just because you believe it.

    Maybe that is something you can pass on to your kids as well..... "I love you so much more than I can express sometimes. When I get mad at you just know that I may not always like what you do, but I never stop loving you. And sometimes I sound scary... and I am sorry, I am trying to learn to stop doing that. Please don't think you have to be scared of me. I need God's grace for my actions, just like you do for yours". This way... you get to be yourself, build security in them, AND model the active walk of faith for them.

    I don't have kids of my own but this is something I've learned from walking with the Lord. What do you think... is this doable? Praying for you...you're not alone in this struggle.
    posted by Loved by God
    on Monday, July 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm
  21. Oh my. I just asked my boys' forgiveness today for this very thing, except I had never thought of it as bullying.

    God definitely led me to this article (that I just happened to stumble upon), as I am feeling today like an utter failure as a mom. Maybe He needed me to know I'm not alone.

    I'm thankful for His guidance and yes, even for His discipline, even though it hurts. I just beg Him to let my boys survive without being completely dysfunctional. I am so thankful for His grace and yet I struggle with extending that very same grace.

    Thank you so much, Trillia. Thank you so very much.
    posted by CarrieC
    on Monday, July 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm
  22. Wow! Amazing thanks! Just as others have said here i felt alone. As if i was the only mom acting this way. Its such a relief to know that your not alone, there are other people going through the same things. I am under the age of 25 a wife and a mother of 2 wonderful kids God has placed in my life. Its truly hard sometimes to keep that peace God wants us to have. I feel like i couldnt go a day without yelling at my kids. But then i would feel so terrible, a horrible mom and daughter of God. Felt like there was no way out. Reading about everyone hear made me realize, i am not alone nor am i perfect. I am a daughter of God and should find refuge in him even in my most stressful moments. My kids are amazing i love them dearly. I no longer feel bad, i am just a mothet who has made mistakes but i am now growing to make a better tomorrow. Thanks for this article God bless you <3
    posted by mabel
    on Sunday, July 22, 2012 at 2:31 am

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