28 comments

Karen Waddles

I’ll Have a Slice of Humble Pie

Posted on 07.30.12 by Karen Waddles

Conversation 

“Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue” (Prov. 28:23).

A small group of ladies had taken me out to dinner after a special event at our church. It was meant to be a time of fellowship and fun. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, one of the ladies asked me, “Do you think that some of the ladies in the church may think of you as unapproachable?” With these words, the conversation at the table hushed. Everyone was waiting to see how I might respond.

In the split seconds before I answered, a number of thoughts crossed my mind: Is this whole thing a set-up for them to take shots at me? Is she the designated spokesperson for the group? Who does she think she is to ask me something like that in this kind of a setting? I had no idea where the question was coming from, but I prayed quickly that the Lord would give me the grace to answer appropriately and not defensively.

There was a bit of an awkward silence until I finally responded—after all, when your carnal self is getting exercised it takes a while to calm it down—“I guess that some of the ladies might feel that way.” And in the moments that followed, I learned that some of the ladies were feeling that I did not want to interact with them because I didn’t make myself available right after Sunday service. I had developed a habit of heading over to the parsonage near the close of the service in order to get a head-start on finishing up our Sunday afternoon meal.

I made a commitment to her and the other ladies that day that I would stick around after church and mingle more. As I have had time to muse over and pray about that interaction for a few weeks now, I’ve begun asking myself some hard questions, and coming up with some uncomfortable answers. Was getting dinner started early really that important? Was that really what was motivating me? I finally had to admit that leaving church early “to get dinner started” was a comfortable way to manage my fear of getting too close to people. It kept them at a comfortable distance and allowed me to engage at only a surface level.

My introvert nature was triumphing over the higher call to community and oneness in the Body. And a precious sister in Christ was kind and gracious enough to challenge me on it and call it out.
Are there ways in which your “personality” or “wiring” are excuses for not engaging with the Body of Christ in meaningful ways? How do you handle a personality style that is in clear conflict with your new nature in Christ?

Comments

  1. Did the women try to approach you and talk? Did they take the time to ask if you were ok? Why was it brought out in a public forum and not private as to guard the introverted nature in you? This is most defiantly a two way street so don't blame yourself for it all. Just my thoughts
    posted by Lisa
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:15 am
  2. I think it was handled in poor taste personally.
    posted by Brenda
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:23 am
  3. I have to agree with the other commenters. While it was great of the woman to bring the issue to your attention, she should have done so in private first so as to prevent hard feelings.
    posted by Kristine
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:30 am
  4. This was great. I just started going to a new church.. and I was very comfortable at my old one. I knew everyone and could really hold great conversations. But now that I am at this new one, trying to build new friendships is really awkward at times. Awkward silences, awkard deciding whether I should approach people or wait for them to talk to me, and awkward to know what to say when I am having a conversation. Deciding if I should dive into talking about the Lord (which is what I want out of the relationship anyway) or just make small talk. It can be so uncomfortable and at times that I want to run as soon as church is over. But I know that God wants me to develop relationships with this church... and the more that I put myself in those situations, the easier it gets, and the more that others approach me. With some, the wierdness is completely gone now and I love it. Thank you for this message.. it encourages me to keep on keeping on.
    posted by BryAna
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:43 am
  5. As a pw myself, I will have to agree with the commenters here too. This should have been done in private. I appreciate your transparency to share this with us and how God can use others in our life to show us our blind spots...thank you Karen.
    posted by Jody
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:44 am
  6. I agree with the above statements as well. I also recognize that introverts get the tar beat out of them for being wired the way they are like it is a sin or a self-focused action. That's just not a fair assessment, to me. Yes, there's room for being stretched and to pursue reaching out, I understand. But being an introvert myself, wishing I could easily pull off the "social butterfly" friendly spirit of the extroverted, I know it is hard. We all are made to serve Him in extroverted and introverted ways alike, not one over the other. The woman calling her out in that setting was anything but charitable or biblical in her approach, to me.
    posted by Kimberly Beaty
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:44 am
  7. I stand with my husband to greet our members in the foyer as they exit the service. I too am shy and somewhat introverted. It was an effort for me in the beginning but the Lord has helped me with my shyness. I could have easily seen myself as going home early to finish cooking lunch. There have been days (after my mom's death, when my son was in treatment, just hard days) that I have slipped out. I think people understand and I hope they pray for me even more on those days.
    posted by sara
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:51 am
  8. Thanks for your post. I have been realizing lately that I go straight to the car after church, and I tend not to go to social things that are church related. The Lord has been speaking to me about why I do not want to get close to people. I do have a problem with really getting to know people outside of my husband and children. I am an introvert as well...so I understand. It's just a part of us we need to allow the Holy Spirit to work on and change.
    posted by Lori
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:55 am
  9. Way to handle a very awkward situation with God's grace! You humbled yourself before God and others, begging Him for the grace you couldn't manufacture any other way and you let love cover the faults of the other people involved. Wonderful example of walking in the spirit and not in the flesh - thank you for sharing.
    posted by Susan
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:57 am
  10. I can't adequately express how much this post has meant to me today! I'm an extremely introverted pastor's wife and sometimes it's all I can do to speak to particular members of the congregation. Satan has certainly made me feel (at times) that I'm just not "wired" for the task of being a pastor's wife because of my shyness. I love the people in our church, but I often find myself avoiding meaningful interaction with them and instead decide to just leave that to my husband. I know I'm missing out on some great friendships as well as opportunities to minister to the women of our church.

    I always get so much out of what you have to say and you have certainly encouraged me to be proactive to reach out to my church family. Thanks, again, for bringing this to my attention through your post today.
    posted by Amanda R.
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:57 am
  11. Karen,
    I love your openness and realness in your post. For someone who does have more of an introverted nature, that took a lot of courage to blog about. And thanks for the challenge to look at ourselves, to ask ourselves tough questions, and to be soo thankful for sisters who care enough to approach us in love.
    This has happened quite recently to me. A phone call last week from a loving sister has me taking a second look at my involvement in a relationship that I was confident I was handling correctly.

    I praise God for His work in her heart to desire to approach me. I thank Him for her care for me. And I rejoice to think that God is still shaping and molding me; desiring me to seek Him and follow His design, and using His church body to work together in love to mold us a shape us into His likeness.
    posted by Kay
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:00 am
  12. While the approach was less than ideal, Karen's response was gracious and perhaps God will provide a way for her to gently teach those ladies a better approach. Like it or not, a pastor's wife is held in high esteem and much is expected of her, no matter what her personality type. Most women will feel she is approachable if she makes the initial contact. I have known several pastor's wives and their approachability was different for each one. Some I would feel comfortable approaching, some I put on a pedestal, some were too easily offended, well, you get the picture....Until we recognize that a pastor's wife is just another woman on this journey of faith with us, we will not feel completely comfortable with being their friend.
    posted by Karen
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:01 am
  13. Well, I am this type of woman but it's not that I don't want to socialize. It's just that I find that the Bible says a lot about being quiet and that when we open our mouth and use lots of words, there is a tendency to sin. I find that I sin a lot with my tongue and why I don't want to be unsocialable, I'd rather be deemed unsocialable than to offend the Spirit of God in my heart. I've done that aliot and I don't want to it.
    .
    Please tell me how to do it and not sin with my mouth and I will try to do it.
    posted by Jodi C.
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:14 am
  14. Good morning, Karen:

    Thank you for your example to me of a godly response rather than reacting. Because I know me so well, I am afraid I would have reacted defensively, maybe even angrily. Without debating the rightness or the wrongness of your friends' approach to you, you stand out as a godly, humble example, so thank you. I, too, have an introverted nature, and if I am not careful, it can border on self-absorption. That's why I appreciate participating in our ladies' bible studies at our church. They keep me engaged in others' lives. I also try to be intentional in sending cards to encourage others, or give them a phone call to "get out of myself." It's a process, to be sure. Thank you, dear Karen, for sharing a "slice" of your life with us in eating humble pie!

    Blessings,
    Arlene
    posted by Arlene
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:18 am
  15. so many good comments on this. I think Karen was very gracious and humble to answer as she did, but I think she should have been approached one on one. The comment about sinning with our mouths is a very serious one and one that happens all the time. I really want to interact, I am an introvert, with the ladies of my church but in order to do so, you have to talk about others and I do not want to do that. Not saying that all the ladies are that way, but I think most are. That would be a needed rebuke, if done in the proper manner at the propper time.
    truewoman.com
    posted by Patty Martin
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:34 am
  16. Oh, ouch! That would have been a very difficult situation. She certainly did not handle it well, but YOU did, by the goodness of our Lord. It is so hard being the pastor's wife--having to know, do, and say the "right" thing all the time. My husband resigned nine months ago and the search for a new church home is being complicated by the near-panic I have at the thought of going and meeting and talking to new people. Church "small talk" just drives me crazy, and it seems there is a broad chasm between "nice fingernails" and "how do you help your children value God's word?"--usually the chasm is bridged by gossip. I think both an introverted nature AND the desire to reign in one's speech can portray a sense of unapproachability; it is so hard to overcome the perceptions of others!
    Thank you for sharing such an incident with us; your introverted sisters will be strengthened by your vulnerability!
    Blessings,
    ~April
    www.april-whateverislovely.blogspot.com
    posted by April
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:44 am
  17. Hi, Karen-

    Thank you for being willing to share your life openly. It is evident that you want to be willing to be vulnerable and molded by the Holy Spirit. While what the woman said put you in the "hot seat," it appears that your initial human reaction was checked by the Spirit who lives within you. The woman took a risk in asking you such a question in such a setting, and you took a risk in answering it as such. What an opportunity to search your heart! I caution you to not be too quick to assume you need to make all the changes. I would encourage you to thank the woman and God for pointing something out in your life and asking Him to continue to illuminate the way He wants you to go. It's easy to "people please" and harder to walk a middle ground. None of us are "right."
    posted by Kerie Mecaskey
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 11:22 am
  18. Karen, I applaud you for your graciousness ....and the fact that you actually prepare Sunday lunch for your family. It is a rare thing anymore. Most of the ladies who wanted to chat with you probably had plans to go out to eat. I'm glad for your example. As a pastor's wife one can never meet all the expectations of the ladies of the church and will always have people who think you don't do enough or do it in the right way, or look the right way etc. Thank Jesus...we are to please Him and Him alone.
    posted by Susan McCurdy
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm
  19. I think the approach should have been done privately first but I, too, have been confronted in front of more than one person and it was indeed uncomfortable but it would have been just as uncomfortable done privately! Anytime someone attempts to ask us to consider looking in a mirror into our hearts true motives is ALWAYS going to be humbling and embarrassing, in my mind, but when I look beyond the delivery of the message into the love behind it (the bigger picture) I can then seek God's answers and ask Him to open my eyes to any truth in what people see in my life. This is not always easy but when I choose to be humble and not bitter He gives me sight for my heart to see and freedom from the lies we sometimes believe.

    Humans are not perfect, that is why we walk in forgiveness as Christ did. I have never had friends, outside of the body of Christ, that showed me my sin or were concerned about my choices. Now I do and I am VERY grateful to God for that blessing!!
    posted by Bee
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm
  20. I also think the approach should have been done privately first.
    I'm "new" in the blog, I'm reading different articles, and I love it!
    Thank you for sharing all this learning with us.
    -Patty

    www.ilovemyhusband.org
    www.ilovemyhusband.org
    posted by Paty
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 2:08 pm
  21. While I agree that it wasn't the best place for this discussion, I am thankful that the ladies cared enough to speak the truth in love to you.

    How I wish that women would have done this with me when I was a pastor's wife. I had some of those same fears and insecurities, Karen, and my responses were similar to yours. But no one cared enough to confront ... no one spoke the truth with compassion so that I could grow and the Body could benefit.

    I wish I had a "do-over" for those years. God has taught me so much about how to step outside my comfort zone in the power of the Holy Spirit. One of the ways He taught me was through a woman named Maria who helped me "see" myself more clearly ~ she spoke truth into my life.

    I pray that women who need to hear your message today will see the lesson and not get stuck on how the lesson was promoted.
    www.LOLwithGod.com
    posted by Dawn Wilson
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm
  22. I concur with most of the comments, but would like to share from the other side of the table. The people in our church leave so fast after the service one would think the building was on fire. I play the piano (thus, preludes/postludes) and when done there might be just a few left (granted, not a large congregation). Still, one of the things seriously lacking in our church is the building of relationships. We've been members for 10 years in our current church and have 1 woman I can call my friend. I'd give anything if some of the women would would be available to visit a little after church. i, too, am somewhat introverted, but hate feeling like I am barging in on a conversation, yet stand there and no one pulls me into their visit. I leave realizing I haven't been able to connect with anyone because they have either already left or are involved with someone else. I try to reach out to anyone who visits, even though I am not particularly comfortable because I know how it feels when it happens to me. While the approach was all wrong, the root of the matter was one that all of us need to work on. When we reach out, whether on the surface or deep down, we reflect what God does to us everyday. Thank you for sharing this and for all the wonderful comments. They really help me in my walk with the Lord.
    posted by Carolyn Putney
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm
  23. I, too, am an introvert; quiet time recharges me, as company recharges an extrovert. However, there is that self-protective part, along with vigilent withdrawal that has nothing to do with my personality style. I must battle it in order to love deeply, as Christ charges. So loving confrontation, private or public, is for the mature listener, whose goal is to align themselves with what Christ requires: community. Oftentimes, I attempt to justify my behavior, "that how I am". It's sin. If my personality doesn't look like Christ, my behavior is the problem. I must evaluate how I relate to people: Am I drawing them to Christ, loving to the full, pouring myself out or off-putting? Just my thoughts.
    posted by Kim Johnson
    on Monday, July 30, 2012 at 10:07 pm
  24. Whilst the approach is less than ideal, the lady certainly had a point. In my church there is one elder (and his family) that take off really quickly at the end of the service. Church is about fellowship under God and hence it is so important to build relationships, not to make everyone feel as though they are not worth your time.
    posted by Megan
    on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 5:34 am
  25. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. As I read your post, I am reminded that self-control is one of the characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit and I must say you allowed God's Spirit to control how you responded. Thank you! I know it was not easy and you state so when you give us a glimpse of the questions going through your mind and your statement regarding "the carnal self calming down when being exercised." This is so true and a wonderful word picture of what you were experiencing in that moment. However, to God be the glory for allowing you not to let any corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers (Eph. 4:29).
    Yes, we all agree that the situation may not have been ideal, but at the end of the day, God is concerned with your response...it is and will always be a heart issue with God! Thank you again for sharing, may God bless you and your family with the ability to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32). May God be glorified and all who come near regard Him as holy...
    True Woman
    posted by Shana Gordy
    on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 7:07 am
  26. Karen,
    After reading your blog and the comments posted I would like to give a man's/husband's/pastors point of view. I am an extrovert and my wife is an introvert. It has taken me a long time to understand why my wife doesn't like group settings large or small, and trust me when I say Im still learning. Its so hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes, but if we are going to concider their feelings we need to learn how to understand how the shoe fits. I am a very outgoing evangilist. Jesus said Go so I Go. Unfortanately I would have been the one at the table to approach the topic not concidering how you felt, only because as an extrovert I wouldn't have "thought nothing of it." This question should not have been made in a public setting but I dont see it as an attack of some sort either. The question seemingly came out of nowhere in conversation and after careful concideration of all the points made in the posts Ive read I would like to say Thank you for your courage and everyone's insight and I get the point. Gods word says we sharpen one another and I want to be the best shepard I can be, but that takes Knowing the sheep. My wife, God bless her sole, asked me to read this and with every beat of my heart I will do my best to be a better husband and friend. I have learned a few things like: holding the door for your wife is considerate but she might not want to go into a public place first, so open the door and if she hesitates go first and let her hide behind you. If she is feeling uncomfortable protect her don't make some lame excuse why you can't stay, just go and don't force situations. God really is in control let Him do a perfect work in both of you, after all at the end of the day thats all you have.
    Sorry if my grammer or spelling isn't the best... after all I just a man....LOL
    Thank you again for speaking out and helping us Extroverts understand your point of view.
    Peace & Love for Christ's sake,
    Rev. Kevin Spencer
    posted by Rev. Kevin Spencer
    on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 8:29 am
  27. Praise God for His faithfulness in granting you the grace to respond in a way that honors Him. Have been there, just a little different setting. We are all in a state of growing and your story will hopefully help all (intraverts and extraverts) grow a little wiser as to how we should act as True Women of God's grace!!
    posted by Terri
    on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm
  28. The way these church ladies acted really does sound like a subtle form of bullying.
    posted by Bonnie
    on Friday, August 3, 2012 at 5:56 am

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