22 comments

Erin Davis

When They Don’t Love You Back

Posted on 08.22.12 by Erin Davis | Twitter: @ErinGraffiti

Teen boyI still wish so badly that things had turned out differently.

My husband, Jason, and I took a thirteen-year-old foster son named Daniel into our home with the hopes of adopting him. We got to love him, pray with him, take him to school and cook his dinner for almost a year. Then . . . he was gone. Some adoption stories end with pictures of a smiling family. Ours did not. Our boy went on to a different placement with a different family. He is now in college, and we say “hello” to him once or twice a year.

God has taken me through layers of learning in the wake of that loss. First, God gently bound up my wounds. That part of the process took years.

But lately He’s been teaching me a deeper lesson about that season of intense ministry—it’s not my job to control the fruit. That’s the job of the Gardener. I am to be faithful to plant, water, nurture, and harvest when God tells me to, but it isn’t my job to control the outcome of my efforts for the Kingdom.

God has used Jonah’s story to hammer this point home. We all know Jonah. God called him to preach the message of repentance to the people of Nineveh. Jonah was not a fan of the Ninevites and so He tried to outrun God. Since you can’t outrun God, Jonah’s plan resulted in becoming the lunch of a big fish, hanging out in the fish’s innards for three days, and eventually repenting. When all of Jonah’s bitterness came out, it must have tasted bad to the whale, so he spit Jonah out on a beach.  

Jonah eventually delivered the message God entrusted to him, but he held on tightly to the reins. He wanted to control how the Ninevites would respond. Even more grievous, he wanted to control God’s response.

I often do the same thing when I love others or seek to minister to them. I want to manipulate people to respond a certain way. and I want God to move on my cue. Specifically, I’d like Him to strong-arm people into loving God (and me) in my timing. I want loving others to work like an ATM. I give to them, and they spit out exactly what I request. Instead, it’s more like a slot machine. I never know what I am going to get in return, and sometimes I get nothing but Xs across the board.

But I am not the Gardener. My job is to obey God. My job is to love my neighbor as myself. My job is to treat others as I want to be treated. It’s God’s job to change hearts and lives.
Jonah’s ministry legacy is tragic. The entire city of Nineveh is spared, but Jonah’s story ends with him grumbling over the Lord’s compassion and sniveling about a plant (Jonah 4). It’s a wake-up call to check our own hearts and motivations and to ask God to help us avoid making Jonah’s mistakes.

Five years of hindsight has given me the clarity to know that having Daniel in our home for a year was a gift. As I think about him now, I hold on tightly to God’s promise in Isaiah 55:11:

“So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” (emphasis added)

God brought Daniel into my life and asked me to teach and model the Word to him. I can hold on to the promise that that Word will not return empty and that it will accomplish what God purposes, which is not necessarily what I purposed for that situation.

I don’t have to manipulate or force the fruit of God’s work. I just have to be faithful to go when He calls, love who He sends me to, and surrender my own heart and life to Him.

What about you? Do you minister to others with an expectation that God will move a certain way? Do you love others expecting them to respond on your cue? Do you trust God to bring fruit where you’ve sown and watered, or do you want to control what He does with your efforts?

Sadly, no fish belly or cry of repentance could teach Jonah about God’s love. I don’t want to repeat Jonah’s mistakes. I will seek to love others well and minister when called and let God take it from there. Will you?  

Comments

  1. This is exactly the message I needed, thanks Erin!
    www.nouishingfaith.com
    posted by Kimberly von Oeyen
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 6:51 am
  2. Thank you for this message, God has spoken to me through your words, Praise HIM!
    posted by Mayra Beltran de Ortiz
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 7:18 am
  3. We can't control the behavior of our own families! Whether they're in our immediate family---children behaving in a grocery store...Or whether it's our extended family---parents behaving respectfully to our spouse etc.! HOW could we think that we could control someone we minister to? Just as God lets us CHOSE Him or not, we are in the same place---IT'S ALL ABOUT CHOICE!
    http://tladydesigns.blogspot.com/
    posted by Becky Green
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 8:46 am
  4. I love your analogy. Loving others is not like an ATM. It is more like a slot machine.
    God help me I am not good enough. Day in day out loving my husband and praying that he will love me back the same way, and all I get in return is I am not sweet like so and so. I know the saying love until it hurts. Well it is hurting. Is that what God wants for us? To keep loving the people who don't love us back until we die?
    posted by Linda
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am
  5. Yes, that's what Christ did for us.
    posted by Karen W
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 10:20 am
  6. I needed to hear this! There is an in-law that is very difficult in my life. I have failed to show him God's love.....I pray that God will enable me to show His love to this person, but to not condone his behavior.....a difficult road to travel!

    I need to carry this message with me at all times so that the rude driver; the disgruntled clerk; etc. do not effect me, but that maybe God shining through me will in some way effect them!
    posted by J Adams
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 10:36 am
  7. This is excellent, not only concerning foster/adopt situations but any type of relationship. We have 3 small children living with us, no matter what they will always be a part of our family.
    http://teachinggoodthings.com
    posted by Kathy Brodock
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 11:19 am
  8. We have taken teens into our home, too. There is never immediate satisfaction. They just don't "get it". The rewards definitely come later.
    http://musingsofaministerswife.com
    posted by Melinda Martin
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 11:27 am
  9. NOBODY can love the unloveable - except Christ, that's why we have to ask Him to give us His love for others. That's why Christ said in John 13:35, By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

    1 Peter 2:19-20 19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

    20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

    21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
    posted by NK
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 11:53 am
  10. I needed this reminder. I taught some ladies for years and a few never responded to the truth of the Word. I always wondered, "Where's the fruit in their lives?"

    But they made their own choices. God only expected me to choose faithfulness in teaching His Word and shepherding the ladies. It can't be about the rewards, or even the relationships per se ... only our obedience, faithfulness, and love. Change is God's job.

    Thanks, Erin, for reminding us of that today.
    www.LOLwithGod.com
    posted by Dawn Wilson
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 11:56 am
  11. I, too, needed this message today. Thank you for the tenderness of your words of truth.
    posted by Sonya Butler
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm
  12. Hey,
    This was great and motivating. You reminded me that I leave the results to God and you further reminded me that God loved me when I did not love Him.
    You further reminded me that someone led me to the water and I refused to drink, I will remember this blog the next time I lead someone to the water and they refuse to drink.
    Paul said we do what we don't want to do and we don't do what we want to do and what sinners we all are.
    Thank GOD for GRACE!!!
    posted by Lezah
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm
  13. Enlighting and revealing!!!!! Your words touched and awaken a piece of my heart that I didn't know needed God's touch. Praise God!
    posted by karen
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 1:08 pm
  14. Wonderful and much needed message. Just sitting here thinking - what happens if someone had, had the power to manipulate me into when they thought I should come to Christ? It would of been in their timing and not the Lord's and we know how that goes! I wouldn't have wanted that....and neither would the people that have been laid on my heart to minister to. I pray I remember this as I am doing the planting and watering and know that God is the one that will "spring up the sprout" when ready! Thank you.
    posted by Kristen
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm
  15. Erin,
    God's timing is perfect! that is a favorite quote of Corrie Ten Boom, beloved author and speaker.

    I can relate very closely to this story and it has come at a perfect time in my life where I had been planting and watering, and now it appears the seeds of love and kindness, truth and faith are being "uprooted and cast on the fire to burn."

    It was only with the grace and love of Christ that I was able to minister to them in the first place, and so now as I am reminded it is the Lord's work, will I be able to continue to love with the love of Christ.
    Also I am encouraged that the Lord has taken years and layers to teach you lessons in this situation. I , too, am wondering the purpose of all that I have been through, so this gives me something to look forward to--His teaching for my life.

    Another word picture that comes to mind is the concept of us being vessels for use in the Master Hand. The jar does not choose what contents it carries. The Master does, and when He chooses to pour some of His Living water out, again , the vessel does not choose when to stop pouring; the Master does. He knows just how much is enough!

    Thanks so much for the reminder that God gives the increase! He is in control and His timing is perfect.

    I am encouraged and challenged to continue seeking His will in serving Him.
    posted by Kay
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm
  16. My daughter and son-in-law have had a 1 1/2 year old foster boy since his birth. Recently (last weekend), he went to his new family that adopted him. I am thrilled that the husband is a minister and there are other children in the family. Even though it all sounds so very good for sweet "John", my heart is empty, lonesome, and concerned already for my "grandson". I will always pray for him and trust him in God's care and know that God's love for "John" far esceed's mine. This is different than your teenager situation, but thanks for the much-needed encouragement about being loving and nurturing, then letting God take things from there.
    posted by Karen K
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm
  17. The Lord has used this articles as a means of Repentence. Several years ago after recently getting married, the Lord sent my 11y.o. stepson to live with us. As I read your message, I saw myself trying to "strong -arm" him with the bible instead of loving him- loving him until it hurt. He did some very hurtful things because he was hurting. Now I have regrets. I have sought the Lord's forgiveness and praying the Lord prepare someone else who will be obedient to his command.
    posted by Lacy
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 3:13 pm
  18. We have a very ungrateful, manipulative teen grandchild living under our roof---and have had her since she was a toddler. She wasn't always this way, and today's blog was a timely and helpful reminder about
    "...that season of intense ministry—it’s not my job to control the fruit. That’s the job of the Gardener. I am to be faithful to plant, water, nurture, and harvest when God tells me to..."

    This season of our life is very painful, but we remind ourselves that "All things work for good for those who love Christ Jesus".--Romans 8:28
    posted by Katie (not real name)
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 6:57 pm
  19. Great and timely post. I'm going through a separation and whis (and pray) that ny husband would have been honest with me in his beliefs. I want him to accept the things I tell him needs to do to help repair our marriage, but he refuses, yet says that he does not want to be separated...I told him if that is how he truely feels, then he knows what I expect from him and then, from us together. I realise now that I MUST put all of this into God's hands and give ti over to him to deal with it in His own time.

    Thans for the inspirational message.
    posted by Nancy Michel
    on Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 10:39 pm
  20. I surrender all......
    posted by Rose
    on Thursday, August 23, 2012 at 11:33 am
  21. Lovely honest post. And yes, I can relate.
    posted by Stephanie
    on Friday, August 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm
  22. Good Afternoon, Ladies God is surely speaking loud and clear I am a newly wed and all my days I've long to be able to exchange with that special someone with all my emotions and know they would be safe. Well not the case I've wondered why I don't sometimes get kisses back from my mate, or hugs, or loves expressions the way I give them. Well with this I am encourage to keep planting and keep loving knowing that it will come but if it don't it's still okay I am just planting, I am working for the Father. However,I am not saying it's easy because it's not and sometimes I get stuck with vines but I hold on to the Father trusting in him! Out of all these things I wish for you to Love --- Lord continue to teach me your ways even when I'm feeling like I want to go to the ATM and WITHDRAW -- Remind that you are all I need In Jesus Name Amen! I love you all with the love of the Lord. Lord continue to use this instrument to Revive Our Hearts In You :)
    posted by Cecelia
    on Wednesday, September 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm

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