14 comments

Erin Straza

The Mysterious Abundance in Barrenness

Posted on 11.27.12 by Erin Straza

Most of the time, I don’t think about it. But then, when I least expect it, I get slammed.

I’m going about my regular routine on a regular day in my regular life—and what I lack pierces my heart and deflates my spirit like a balloon losing air.

That’s how childlessness hits me, in surprise attacks.

*****

I don’t talk about my childless life much except within my closest circle of friends. Not because it isn’t important, but because I don’t have answers to the complex nature of my barren life.

If I remember correctly, the testing we went through oh-so-many years ago placed us in a category that less than two percent of all couples fall into: The Mystery Category. With absolutely no medical explanation for our infertility, we were encouraged to begin general treatment to boost our chances for pregnancy. So we moved forward. There were appointments. And tests. And procedures. And injections. And pills. And tracking. And lots of anticipation. And lots of disappointment.

We had all that and more. But there was no child. Mystery prevailed.

After months of this routine, I was tired of the bustle. We were as far down the infertility treatment road as we had planned to go, so we pulled up from the process. I was grateful for the break from constantly thinking about my body and what it was—or wasn’t—doing. We decided to sit in the mystery for a bit and see what God might say.

Although I was comfortable with mystery and waiting, many people were not. Discomfort often led people to give good-hearted but unsolicited problem-solving sessions. Have you tried wonder-treatment XYZ? Stop obsessing; then you will get pregnant. It’s good you are young—you have plenty of time. Do you take all-natural supplements? You know you can go adopt kids, right? You could babysit to get your kid-fix.

But mystery doesn’t solve that easy.

Childlessness squawked at me through the voices of the well-meaning and lodged in my own heart, reminding me of all I lacked. Although I was never one of those girls who planned out her family in elementary school, in this stretch, it was quite clear all I was missing.

During one heart-raw incident, I choked out a prayer, asking God to help, asking Him to explain why He would withhold this gift from us. I distinctly remember the wash of His presence, the Voice that flowed like water into the desert of my soul, speaking words so contrary to my own that I knew the Living Word spoke them: If this is the one gift you don’t get in this life, will you refuse to trust Me?

Would I? After everything the Lord has done for me, would I choose the one thing I lacked and rail against Him for it?

*****

It’s been a decade since the treatments. Our childlessness remains. But I do not feel barren. My life is richly blessed and abundantly full, despite the surprise attacks that sometimes break into my days. God has enabled me to trust His distribution of gifts to me.

Every road in this life has its share of joys and sorrows—single, married; children, no children; rich, poor; sickness, health. I am honored to walk this particular road with the Lord, getting to know His provision for these joys and sorrows in the mystery of childlessness.

Today, years down this road, I can say without a doubt: God has given me immeasurably more than He has withheld. He does all things well.

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance” (Ps. 16:5–6).

Comments

  1. What a beautiful and God-honoring perspective. We should all cultivate such a joyful and thankful attitude in the things we lack. Thank you so much for sharing! I was blessed by these words!
    posted by Jo
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 6:45 am
  2. I'm in that 2% group. Barren with no medical explanation why. But when I was a little girl, I heard about orphanages and my mom told me about all the millions of children in the world without a family. Ever since then, my heart yearned to adopt. The Lord has blessed me big time with the gift of adoption. Had it not been for my barrenness, I would never have my two incredibly wonderful daughters. I am so thankful that His ways are higher than mine!!!!
    posted by Shari
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 7:20 am
  3. Loved this! I was really blessed by this, I have some friends who are part of this mystery and are a real blessing to me. It seems like when we take a stand to trust God in this area, children or no children, the unsolicited advice pours in! I have 4 kiddos and another one on the way, and people hurl some ugly comments at us.
    posted by Heather
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 7:41 am
  4. I loved the book CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN; visiting my friend who was the 2nd of 6; I knew I would have a home full of children.
    God had another idea....barreness.
    My husband has 2 from a previous marriage, and we were blessed to have his daughter and granddaughter live with us for awhile. That little girl was my joy as I was able to be at home with her while the others worked. She is now grown with a family of her own.
    I would have done fertility testing, but my husband did not want this. I knew God had given him as my covering, and we did not go through the testing.
    Yes, I cried when I was alone. I struggled when I learned a friend was pg AGAIN. I was happy for them, but would cry out, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I have a baby?"
    I celebrated each friend/family birth with crocheted items. I gave to the pregnancy crisis center. I learned to rest in God. I have been an honory "aunt" to some of my friends' children.
    My sister and I have cared for our aging parents.
    Life has been full of blessings. God is good!
    posted by J Adams
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm
  5. I am not barren but experience lack in an area of marriage that seems like I am the only one going through this, my friends sympathize and pray but it remains after almost 15 years of marriage, with little bursts in the mix of release. It has been over 2 years now since the last release and it is hard. i have to believe there are other women out there dealing with this and that one day I will be able to be a blessing to them as you have been to us. Thank you for sharing
    posted by christina
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm
  6. Thanks for your insightfulness, Erin. Childless or not, we all need to remember the immeasurable gifts we are given-and trust in what we (perceive) to lack. I appreciate your timely reminder, especially on a day I got slammed.
    posted by Jen
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm
  7. Thank you so very much for writing this. My husband and I have been praying to start a family for five years now and God has not yet answered that prayer. In that time we have had eight nieces and nephews born. It has been a very trying time. It is so discouraging to be in such a deep and dark isolation that no one truly understands. A woman that is unable to have children is very much an isolating feeling. I wish more christians would speak on this topic. I believe we have many in our churches that are hurting because of childlessness. Sometimes it gets frustrating when all you ever read about are resources for young moms with toddler age children (please do not take me wrong!! I know this is vitally important!) but I feel we overlook hurting women who are desperately crying out! I have been there. Thankfully the Lord has comforted my soul and I am trusting fully in Him because in all honesty even if I had 20 children, fulfillment comes only thru Him. Thru my struggle, God has allowed me to help others struggling with infertility. Thank you so much again for writing this post! I hope to hear more about the topic of infertility.
    posted by Jewel
    on Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 8:50 pm
  8. What a timely message, used by the Lord to minister to my broken heart. Barrenness comes in different forms, as other comments have offered. I am barren of parents. Both of my parents are in the grip of their sin and have withdrawn completely from me and my children. It is a heartbreaking situation, but one that does not have to monopolize my mind and heart. As the writer suggested, if this is what the Lord chooses to withhold from my life, is He not enough?
    posted by Joy
    on Wednesday, November 28, 2012 at 8:37 am
  9. WONDERFUL ARTICLE!!!! We went through a time of childlessness. Not as long as many others have gone through, I know. But, we decided we COULD & WOULD be happy together even if we were childless! All of our friends had gotten married MUCH EARLIER & had children already. Funny, NO ONE EVER said ANYTHING to us about NOT HAVING a child! God did bless us with a child!

    As I read the comments I am BLESSED! ESPECIALLY by Joy! I hadn't even thought of being "barren" when it comes to my relationship with our parents! BUT, I too am in this circumstance! WE HAD TO walk away from them for the sanity & integrity of our marriage & family! AND YES, I cry & am depressed sometimes. I NEED to look at it differently! I THOUGHT I had it under control once. Just every now & then it hits me in the face! GOD IS ENOUGH! HE is the one who opened my eyes & lead us away from them! He has EVERYTHING IN CONTROL!
    http://tladydesigns.blogspot.com/
    posted by Becky Green
    on Wednesday, November 28, 2012 at 10:22 am
  10. Thank you for speaking such words of encouragement. I, too, struggle with the pain and questions that come with being a woman without children. I find myself in a place of acceptance on most days, but as you so aptly describe there are moments of feeling "slammed" when I least expect it. I've come to realize that I MUST remind myself daily that God is enough and He has already blessed me beyond measure. There is a purpose to where I find myself, and I am so grateful for my walk with the Lord through my challenges. Your post is a blessing to me.
    posted by Jill
    on Thursday, November 29, 2012 at 6:38 am
  11. Erin, you could not have written this more perfectly. You wrote about exactly how I feel and go thru. I myself have been Barron for 13 years now. That feeling of sadness that comes at in opportune times......I know the feeling. It was nice to hear someone else goes thru the same experience because I would feel guilty having these sad feelings pop up unexpectedly. Then a good friend said to me "you're grieving a loss. It's ok to cry and grieve." I took her words to heart and it does help but still hurts. I too now have a closer relationship with God thru this whole experience. I wouldn't change that for anything. :-) I still long for kids, and will til the day I pass, but the comfort of God is with me now. He makes no mistakes. My husband and I have a stronger marriage. I am truly blessed with all the blessing he has given me. I am actually writing this in a hospital room. My husband fell off a ladder yesterday, 16 feet down. Fractured pelvis, swollen right arm. We truly have SO much to be thankful for as his accident could have been MUCH worse. Won't go into details but God truly did spare him. God is still God and God is still good! :-)
    I agree with Jewel that it needs to be made more aware about barrenness. It seems to be more prevalent now a days and we need that encouragement.
    Thanks again for sharing Erin and you will be in my prayers.
    posted by Erika
    on Thursday, November 29, 2012 at 12:20 pm
  12. Psalm 16:5-6 are my favorite verses, too. My husband and I are barren, too and have left the timing of children in God's hands completely. I'm a housewife and the blessing of a quiet house leaves more time for Bible study, prayer, and ministry. We pray for children, but that's up to God whether to grant that gift or not. I am content at 39.
    posted by Heather
    on Friday, November 30, 2012 at 11:01 am
  13. I really needed to hear this. This is one of the areas in life I struggle with most. I don't know if I'm in the 2% but I long for a child...but I long for my God more. I know I can trust Him and through this He is teaching me how and reminding me why.

    I like how you mentioned surprise attacks. That's the best way to put it. Thank you so much for your encouraging words.
    posted by Ruthie
    on Monday, December 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm
  14. Thank you for your willingness to share openly about such a deep heart issue. All I can say is AMEN, AMEN, AMEN.
    posted by Sheri
    on Saturday, December 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm

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