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34 comments

Mary Kassian

Relationship Advice from Twilight

Posted on 01.03.13 by Mary Kassian | Twitter: @MaryKassian

Mary Kassian's post, originally titled "Shedding Some Light on Twilight," was featured on June 30, 2010. It received the most Facebook likes of any True Woman blog post to date, with 2,200 likes and 385 shares. While it begins by talking about the third Twilight movie (of which there are now five), it's really less about Twilight and more about healthy (and unhealthy) relationships. Yep, this one definitely made our "Five-Year Faves Cut." Because Mary talks about the need for discernment, we want to give one of you The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment by Tim Challies. Leave a comment below letting us know which piece of relationship advice was most helpful to you, and we'll choose one winner at random on Monday, January 7.

The highly anticipated third film in the wildly popular Twilight series opens today. Twilight was named one of Publishers Weekly's Best Children's Books of 2005. The novel was also the biggest selling book of 2008. To date, it has sold almost 20 million copies worldwide, spent over 91 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list, and been translated into 37 different languages. The first two movies—Twilight and New Moon—took in a sensational $1.1 billion at the box office. In 2009 and 2010, the movies topped the teen choice awards, and swept virtually all the categories at the MTV Movie Awards. Twilight has become the hottest love story of our time. It’s a teen rage, and a significant cultural phenomenon.

The question that I always ask, when I see something so grip the hearts and minds of women, is “Why?”.  And it was this question that was foremost in my mind when I finally sat down a couple weeks ago to watch and analyze the first two movies.

Personally, I could barely stomach the prolonged furtive glances, pained expressions, and shallow, banal dialogue that passed between Edward and Bella. But setting that aside, I think I understand the story’s attraction to young teen girls.

To begin, the saga portrays “traditional” roles for male and female at a time when it is highly counter-cultural to do so. Bella isn’t a male-kicking, karate-chopping, independent, domineering heroine.  She’s gentle, soft, and vulnerable. Her character flies in the face of the tough-girl image that’s portrayed by most contemporary movies.  I think young girls intuitively know that the prevalent portrayal of women as tough doesn’t match who they are. The average teen senses that she’s not wired that way. She longs to be the princess in a traditional fairy tale romance. She wants to be a woman. And she wants a man to be a man.

A young woman intuitively yearns for someone who will pursue her, protect her, and cherish her beauty and vulnerability. She yearns for a man to love her at a deep personal and emotional level—and not just a physical, sexual one. Regardless of culture's attempts at egalitarian brainwashing, the man of her dreams is still a strong, handsome prince charming who fights for her, and rescues her. He loves her, commits to her, and selflessly sets aside personal interest for the sake of her best interest.

Edward fits the bill.

It’s not surprising that young girls are falling for him. But sadly, their enthusiasm for being the leading lady in a heart-gripping romance lacks discernment. The movie grips them at such a deep emotional level that they shrug off the glaring warnings that indicate that this particular relationship is unhealthy. It’s a counterfeit version of a fairy-tale romance. It looks good and attractive on the surface, but the underlying darkness in Edward will most certainly lead to disaster for Bella. It may go well for a time, but in the end, it will kill her. She’s playing with fire, and she’s going to get burned.

Danger Signs
If Bella were my daughter, several alarm bells would be going off in my head about her relationship with Edward. I would not approve. Regardless of how “in love” she felt, I would argue that this romance was not good for her, and would not end well. It would ultimately be bad and not good for her soul. There are some very clear danger signs in their relationship that I would flag:

1. Bad Boy Attraction
Edward has a dark side. A very dark side. Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer, has stated that the apple on the cover represents the forbidden fruit from the Book of Genesis. It symbolizes Bella and Edward's love, which is forbidden, similar to the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, as implied by the quote from Genesis 2:17 at the beginning of the book. The apple also represents Bella's knowledge of what good and evil are, and the choice that she must make. She must decide if she’s going to indulge in a relationship with Edward—the "forbidden fruit"—or to stay away from him. There’s something about the “forbidden fruit” of a relationship with a bad boy that attracts young women. I would warn my daughter that this attraction is deceptive, and very, very dangerous.

2. Shared Dark Secrets
A second sign of a bad relationship is when a young woman feels she must keep something about her relationship or love interest hidden and secret—especially from her parents. A shared dark secret forms a bond that is unhealthy. It puts up a barrier to prevent the loving scrutiny and helpful input of family and friends. It prevents people from offering outside objective feedback. Darkness loves to remain hidden.  If something needs to be hidden, then the relationship is likely bad. I would tell Bella that if she could not be completely open with us about who Edward was, or what the two of them were doing together, then the relationship was probably ungodly and unhealthy and needed to end.

3. “Us” versus “Them” Mentality
An “us versus them” mentality is another warning sign.  Whenever a woman feels that “no one understands” and that she needs to “side” with her boyfriend against family and friends, chances are that the relationship is not a good one. When Bella started dating Edward, she felt that it was the two of them fighting against all odds, and against all the naysayers that wouldn’t approve. The two of them were going to overcome all the obstacles, and prove that they were right, and everyone else was wrong. This is a danger sign. If you feel like you need to choose sides—to side with a love interest against your family, and hunker down together “us” against “them”—the relationship probably isn’t a healthy one.

4. Isolation and Seclusion
Isolation and seclusion is another mark of an unhealthy relationship. If an unmarried young man and woman spend most their time together alone—apart from family and friends, their relationship isn’t healthy. Healthy relationships are forged in the context of community. If a love interest isolates you from family and friends, and interferes with you building and maintaining other relationships, then that relationship is not good for you. Bella had very few relationships outside of Edward. The two of them became loners that stuck to one another, spent the bulk of their free time together, and didn’t develop healthy community connections.

5. Mismatched Interests and Values
The thing that concerns me the most about the Twilight saga is the underlying message that it’s possible to mix light and dark—good and bad—together.  That’s a concept that’s reflected in the title of the series. “Twilight” is the period of dimness that exists when the light is growing weaker, and the darkness is growing stronger. But the book’s message is that with a bit of effort on everyone’s part, dark and light can be mixed together-a state of twilight can exist forever. And indeed, many young Christian girls think that this is the case. They think that daughters of light can hang out with, hook up with, and even marry sons of darkness.

The problem is that the vampire, Edward, has no soul. He is darkness. He is irredeemable—he can’t change. He will eternally, immortally be a slave of darkness. But Bella is human. She has a soul. Tragically, because of her association with Edward, she is in danger of losing it. They are mismatched. The clear message of the Bible is that light has no business pairing up with darkness. Ultimately, light and darkness cannot coexist.  Darkness and light cannot come together as one.

I would warn Bella against a spiritual mismatch.  I would also warn her against the mismatch in their ages (he’s 110, she’s 17... really???!!!), their education (he’s gone to school for decades, she isn’t even finished high school), their cultural upbringing (He drinks blood, she doesn’t. She eats food, he doesn’t.), and their values (He is a vampire, after all. Even though he’s “nice,” he still engages in vampire-ish and occultist practices—just like “nice” white witches are still involved in witchcraft, and nice cocaine addicts still have an addiction to cocaine.).

A severe mismatch does not lend itself well to a good, lasting marriage. This is particularly the case when the mismatch is one of spiritual darkness versus light.

6. Neediness and Obsession
Bella is needy. She’s obsessed with Edward. He is all she thinks about. When Edward breaks up with her, she sinks into a deep depression. She feels she can’t live without him. The movie implies that she becomes suicidal. She throws herself off a cliff and tries to drown in order to connect with Edward. She cares about Edward more than she cares about her relationship with God, and more than she cares about her life. She’s entirely willing to forfeit her soul for her need of Edward.

Edward is also needy. He stalks Bella and watches her continually. He even sneaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. He shows up in her head in visions and speaks to her. (In my opinion, it’s downright creepy.)

I would warn Bella against neediness. I’d tell her that if she feels so desperate for Edward that she can’t live without him, then learning to live without him is the very thing she most needs to do. I would warn her not to rely on men for her sense of self-worth, identity, or happiness. I would tell her that the only one she truly needs is Jesus. And in order to have a healthy marriage, she needs to work on cultivating inner strength and wholeness, based on a personal relationship with Christ.  A needy relationship is bad news. Needy women go through a revolving door of relationships, from one “Edward” to the next. I would want Bella to know that there is no man on the face of this earth that will meet the deep desires of her heart. Only Jesus can do that.

7. Rationalization and Justification
Another sign of a bad relationship is when a woman feels the need to rationalize and justify it. Bella rationalized being in a relationship with a vampire. She reasoned that since he was such a nice vampire, and was trying really hard to behave, and restrained his desire to bite and kill her, that somehow his niceness and self-control and love made their relationship okay. She rationalized the lies, deceit, and compromise by thinking that it was all for the greater good. She self-importantly thought that she was helping him. She was the only one who truly understood him and the only one who could give him the love he needed. She was the only one who completely accepted him and saw the good in him. She rationalized things so that she could convince herself that her bad boy wasn’t really all that bad.

But a vampire is a vampire. Bella cannot give a vampire a soul and make him human. No amount of rationalization on her part can justify their relationship or the risk she is exposing herself to. A good relationship doesn't require rationalization and justification. It is self-evident that it is good.

8. Failure to Seek & Heed Input
Bella doesn’t confide in her parents about the nature of her relationship with Edward. Nor does she seek counsel from any other friends or family. When her father tries to give her some advice, she shrugs it off as inconsequential. She knows better. No one else understands.

If Bella were my daughter, I’d notice these danger signs, and I’d warn her loudly and clearly about falling for a counterfeit version of true romance. I’d worry. I’d pray. I’d ask the Lord to break it up. Because although Edward is cute and seems so nice, he’s undeniably dangerous.

In the real world, the Bellas who fall for the Edwards usually don’t live happily ever after. In the real world, twilight turns to night. In the real world, far too many parents watch the light in their precious Bellas grow dim, and slowly be engulfed by darkness.

I am perplexed by Christians who uphold Twilight as a desirable model for dating or relationships. I don’t understand why believing mothers fail to discern the good from the bad, and fail to discuss the deception in the Twilight message with their daughters. Bella had an absentee mother. And sadly, that's the case with many young women today.

Yes, I know, it’s just a movie.  But it’s not an innocuous message. It contains an oh-so-subtle temptation for our daughters to throw caution to the wind and give their hearts away to bad boys—to think that good and bad are relative and don't really matter—to take the Twilight apple in hand, become enamored with the deceptive promise it holds, and to carelessly indulge.

Comments

  1. I appreciate the powerful, insightful wisdom revealed by the reviewer of Twilight. I'm planning on sharing it with a couple of my favorite, single, young women friends. Sometimes reading this is more palatable than hearing it. Thank you for the truths revealed in this commentary. May the warning signs serve as a litmus test and wake up call to those contemplating or involved with those "of darkness".
    posted by Jan Wishau
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 8:35 am
  2. This is so thorough. I have thought quite a few of these things at different times but not all together at once. Really this is a great checklist for romance reading in general and can open good dialogue betweens moms and daughters and among women. Thanks! I have the Challies book and it is so helpful, too, so I don't need to be included in the offer. I just wanted to express my appreciation for the good, thorough thinking of the article.
    posted by Katrina
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 9:03 am
  3. Well said! I'm saddened how often we (myself included!) excuse evil for the sake of a good movie/story. I've not read or watched this series, and I'm thankful for women like Mary Kassian who are willing to take a bold stand against such a popular obsession.
    posted by Leanna
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 9:47 am
  4. I have a 14 year old daughter who thankfully has had no interest or desire to be involved in the "twilight saga." That being said I still appreciate this article. It contains some excellent points to be discussed between moms and daughters. Thank you!
    posted by Jennifer
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 9:52 am
  5. I am amazed at how many adult women in my own church are obsessed with the Twilight movies/books! Thank you for this insight and I'm sure it will be helpful in conversation with some of the women I know who constantly want to discuss Twilight. Thanks so much for this post. I missed it the first time around!
    posted by Amanda R.
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 10:01 am
  6. I am in my 50's and still married to a bad boy for over 30 years. I wish I had had Christian guidance when I was a teenager and someone would have told me bad boys bring heartache. I am married for life, but it is so hard now to find joy and hope when my lifestyle and my husband's are in total conflict.
    posted by anon
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 10:34 am
  7. I think #6 is always applicable no matter what relationship we are in. Even Godly couples need to realize that the other person is human and will never be able to meet/fulfill their expectations. A relationship with Jesus Christ is the only one that will perfectly satisfy.
    posted by Margaret
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 11:06 am
  8. The failure of many teens to heed wise advise is especially alarming. I have 9 girls ages 6 - 16 ( one daughter & 8 foster daughters) and the world keeps telling them to follow their hearts. The Bible tells us that the heart is deceitful - and rather than heeding counsel offered in love, they stubbornly go their own way and "follow their heart." Then are shocked & amazed when things don't work out. I pray continually for my girls to have eyes to see and ears to hear!
    posted by Martha
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 11:17 am
  9. Wow! Great job and very informative! I have not seen any of the movies purely because of the vampire content. However I have wanted for info about what these movies contain so I applaud your words of wisdom! Thankfully in part because we live in a foreign country as missionaries, we have not been bombarded with the twilight stuff but it is starting to seep in! Thanks and keep up the encouragement for us to be real with our daughters! God Bless!
    posted by Rachel Peterson
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 11:25 am
  10. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for sharing this. It's so very insightful, yes it may just be a movie but if this is what we are feeding our minds - won't we have those same longings and desires if it "looks ok" I have many friends who are Christians but still love these movies. I myself have seen them and find them very lame and creepy. It's so distorted.

    I will definitly be sharing some of these things with other - this is worldly stuff, and not of God.
    posted by Mandy
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 12:01 pm
  11. #7 Rationalization and justification and #8 Failure to seek and to heed input hit home with me. I have a young lady who is very precious to me who is in a very dangerous marriage. She especially comes under #s 7 & 8. When my husband and I try to talk with her she becomes very angry and defensive and sometimes refuses to interact with us.....that is until she needs something. We do not meet her wants...we try to see that she and her child are safe. I would not be surprised if she has read these books, but I don't think she would see the message that you point out.
    I had heard of these books but have steered clear of them. Thank you for your helpful input for open discussion.
    posted by J Adams
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 12:38 pm
  12. If you base how people 'respond' to your articles solely on FB, I'm afraid you are missing tons of women who refuse to be sucked into that vortex. Do you not have a counter for how many hits your blog receives? Perhaps that might be a better indicator of whether it's been 'shared' or not?

    I sometimes wonder if I will find a Christian website that speaks about the hazards of FB rather than upholding it as a 'standard' like the rest of the world.

    I agree that this may appear to be a Pharisaical sort of assessment of things but I think that often times people overlook the devil in the details (just like the main article expounds on so clearly).
    posted by Tired to death of worldly outlooks.
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 12:40 pm
  13. I can't pick one item that was most helpful. All were absolutely right on. My daughter and daughter-in-law are believers but both love the series under the guise of "well-written" fiction. Let's just stand up and stop taking part in the world's offerings when they're not characterized by Phil. 4:8.
    posted by Sandy
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm
  14. I'd have to say #5 is the best piece of advice. Having been in a relationship with my daughter father for over 5 years I know that was our biggest issue. Its something that I seek to discern now even when I date. Its very much something that i am instilling into my daughter now even at her young school. Not just with relationships with boys but people in general. Surrounding yourself with people with similar values allows for a check and balance.

    I found this breakdown to be very rewarding and I thank the author for her honesty.
    posted by Ingrid M. Williams
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:15 pm
  15. I think #6 was the most helpful. I've seen many young girls feel like if they were only in a relationship, they would have self-worth and be happy and when they are not in a relationship, they are searching for one. They don't understand that only through a relationship with Jesus Christ can they have true joy.

    Thank you for the article. I will be sharing.
    posted by Sheryl
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:19 pm
  16. i have no interest in twilight nor does my 13 yr old daugther. i think many teens who fall for this movie do so because of the desire of her mother to see it. but certainly great advice for any teenager who is seeking that prince charming, live happily ever after relationship (in the long term marriage). i appreciated what you said about bella keeping her secrets in the dark. you are right, if something needs to be hidden, then it's not a good thing. keeping secrets in the dark is dangerous...very dangerous indeed. teens need to know that all things need to be exposed to the light.
    posted by kim s.
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 1:44 pm
  17. "Failure to seek and heed input" is something I wish someone had pointed out to me earlier in life. Adolescent girls can be so sure that no one else has ever felt the way they do. If only I had had some strong godly women to whom I could turn during my teenage years!
    posted by Tonya
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 2:17 pm
  18. I would say that #7. Rationalization and Justification- is often a major warning sign. When a woman feels the need to rationalize and justify a relationship, it shows that she is listening to the world and her flesh, and not God or His Word. A woman needs to base her life and relationships on the Truth, and choose a man who is seeking to be like Christ.
    posted by Linda
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 3:03 pm
  19. My 41 yr old Aunt loves these movies, and tells my sister(18) and me(19) about them almost every time we see her...we have no interest in them ourselves. Vampires are evil! I will be sharing this article with her.

    Thanks
    simplepatchworkprose.blogspot.com
    posted by ABolin
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 4:20 pm
  20. I am an adult (and a single mom). I've read and enjoyed the Twilight series. I realize fiction, especially when it's so obvious. I read for fun and as an escape at times (when I have the time). I'm mature enough to know its not ideal.

    That being said, I do not have daughters. If I did, I would be very careful about letting them read the books or see the movies. Their ages would be a big factor and I would be adamant about talking with them and letting them know the truth about God's "true love" and not fractured fairy tales. I'd be sure to tell them what they should expect from a man and what is expected of them...biblically.

    Thanks for the insight! This could be helpful to me as well.
    posted by Christel
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 4:20 pm
  21. #2, #4, and #8 are related and all are dangerous in relationships.

    As I talk with college students at my church, I often tell them that relationships need to be lived out in the light (no secret, hidden dating relationships), within the context of the church community (serving the body, growing in Christ, investing in others), and with the blessing and involvement of mentors and/or parents.

    It is all too easy for young people to get way too isolated, emotionally involved, and/or sexually tied. They need healthy, mature Christians to look out for them, ask tough questions, direct them, encourage them, and speak into their relationship. Marriage is a sacred covenant, despite what the world says about it, and our dating relationships as singles will effect our future marriages.

    As a single woman, I gladly welcome the input of others as I discern God's direction for my relationships...and I'm no spring chicken! :)
    posted by Lindsay
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 5:58 pm
  22. This is so good and well said. I was reading it out loud and got choked up on the last part. We are living this right now with our oldest. Watching my Bella's light grow dim has been so heartbreaking.
    posted by S.E.
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 6:37 pm
  23. @anon...My heart goes out to you. A Christian speaking truth into your life would have been invaluable for your life and happiness. We entrust you to the Heavenly Father who cares about your days and holds reward for you for your endurance. (See 2 Corinthians 4:16-18) My mind went to Romans 15:13 as I read your post. It is my prayer for you this evening: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Bless you.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 7:02 pm
  24. @S.E...Praying for you just now that the God will give you strength and hope, and that the power of Christ will draw your "Bella" to His wondrous light. Nothing, nothing is too difficult for Him! (Jer. 32:17)
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 7:06 pm
  25. Thank you for the insights shared. Having not read nor desiring to read this series, I could not understand their popularity - especially for Christian women. Sad to see so many caught up and without discernment!
    posted by Vickie
    on Friday, January 4, 2013 at 8:28 am
  26. #6 Neediness and Obession stood out to me because some many girls feel they need and are obsessed with wanting a man that will ride in and sweep her off her feet like Prince Charming always does...to save her.

    And if that Prince isn't the right one we go from guy to guy looking for the right one. We act like we cannot live without a man. We act needy and put a man forefront in our lives to keep him.

    But God has greater plans for us. We as godly women need to be our own person in Christ - women who are so wrapped up in Christ that a man has to know Him first before they can get to us.

    Just as Mary stated, "...the only one she truly needs is Jesus." This is the most important relationship in our life whether male or female. We cannot truly have a satisfying male-female relationship without first having that relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

    Thank you.
    posted by Lea
    on Friday, January 4, 2013 at 10:15 am
  27. The advice that I found most relevant was the one about mismatched values. Those couples who don't agree spiritually, are setting themselves up misery and conflict.
    posted by Diana
    on Friday, January 4, 2013 at 10:32 am
  28. This was an amazing article, and couldn't be more true. My children are daily in my prayers for the relationships they are seeking. God bless you.
    posted by kathy
    on Saturday, January 5, 2013 at 7:29 am
  29. These are all such great points! With two single daughters, we've gone over these priniciples time and again!!
    http://windchimesandlilacs.blogspot.com
    posted by Gwen
    on Saturday, January 5, 2013 at 7:00 pm
  30. Gracias por lo escrito Dios los continúe bendiciendo
    Iglesiaraah.com
    posted by Carolina de Espinoza
    on Saturday, January 5, 2013 at 8:00 pm
  31. great article! #7 rationalization and justification were the best for me!
    http://myjoy-ps1611.blogspot.com/
    posted by Kristy
    on Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 12:20 am
  32. I am a 13 year old girl who is completely obsessed with Twilight, in fact my name on facebook happens to be bridget twilightsaga *my last name* and I even write fan fiction. My great aunt shared this in a link with me on facebook saying that she thought that I might be interested in it. But, if you want my honest opinion you'd have to know that Twilight is a book, and I am completely aware of that. I don't take relationship advice from a book. I am completely aware that in New Moon (the second book, where edward leaves) Bella has a way over the top reaction, but even if someone was your "true love" you're not going to act so zombie-like. Still though, all Stephenie Meyer did was provide a well written, interesting, and lovable serise. You can't please everyone, there are going to be haters the same type of thing happened with the hunger games and harry potter, but to say that twilight gives off bad relationship advice is like saying that Romeo & Juliet gives off bad advice in the romance section (which honestly if you had to compare Romeo & Juliet would be worse because in they end they both commit suicide).So for that, I disagree with you because Twilight may be filled with "bad" influences doesn't mean that it is going to be taken to heart and then become a relationship advice book because it's not and never will be.
    http://twilgihtfreak.webnode.com
    posted by Bridget
    on Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 1:49 am
  33. Quite frankly this article has no value. Intelligent thinking people will not take advice from a romance novel. And an unintelligent person will not pick up a 500 page book (typically.) As for the movies people tend to forget them quickly.
    Now I am a strong Cristian but also a die hard romance lover. Book and real life. Bringing the bible however sadness me that you feel the need to back this with the bible. Watch interviews with Myers and you will learn that this story is based of a dream.
    However. There is strong points in this article. Just please don't compare them to a teen and young adults novel.
    posted by Anna
    on Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 2:15 am
  34. Good to read all your thoughts. And congrats to Margaret! You just won a copy of Tim Challies book "The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment." Check your inbox for more details.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 10:53 am

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