Comments

1. As I celebrate my second wedding anniversary today, I am totally identifying with #2 on this list: I want a man to prove through his pursuit that he is a godly man who will lead and love me well after marriage.
   I waited and prayed for a man who would truly lead during our courtship; just when I had given up hope that a man like that existed, God brought Steven along.
   I would add to #2 that I believe it becomes even harder for the man to lead after marriage, as everyday life makes its mark on what was once the fresh, blank slate of a relationship and Satan's hatred for godly marriages takes its toll. Wait for a man who is an outstanding leader-initiator-pursuer during your courtship days, who will be able to continue to lead and pursue you later on when it becomes even more challenging.
   I am certainly thankful for my leading man. :)
   
   http://strikingrepose.blogspot.com/
   posted by Marissa
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 8:37 am
2. This is God's plan and when it is followed you will marry the right man and your life will be a blessing. Perfect ... no ... because we are all sinners. God brought me the perfect man and we have been together serving our Savior for over 38 years now. This is an important lesson on submission. Submit to God's authority and it will be easier to submit to your husband and be happily married.
   
   posted by Patricia Armitage
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 9:42 am
3. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. I grew up in church and he did not. When we began dating, God gave me such a peace about this man ... even though he was not a Christian. God kept confirming that he was the one for me and that HE had big plans for my future husband's life!
   
   A year after we got married, we met a man who served as a Chaplain for our Police Department (my husband and I were both officers). My husband formed a friendship with the Chaplain and we ended up visiting his church. Within a few months my husband got saved, baptized, and now serves on our Mens Ministry Leadership Team. I've since left law enforcement and serve on staff at our church, where our Senior Pastor is still a Chaplain at the Police Department!
   
   God is so good! He is true to His promises!
   
   posted by Daedra
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 10:51 am
4. I just love the song While I'm Waiting by John Waller. It's just such of good message of Letting Go and Letting God!
   
   I'm so thankful that I've come to a point in my life where my soul purpose is to love the Man who is already in my life - Jesus Christ.
   
   I am patiently waiting on You Lord to lead the right man to me. Amen!
   
   posted by Mandy
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 12:32 pm
5. If all women were created to be helpers to all men, what does that look like for married women? It seems a very broad and general idea that goes well beyond the leadership within church and home. So how am I to be helping men, in general, beyond my own husband? (And how would this be different than believers in the body of Christ working together, helping one another?) This is an area of confusion for me.
   
   Or does the command to help refer to women being the helpers of all mankind (based upon how God created us, with tendencies towards nurturing, etc.), while also being a specific kind of help to *one's own husband*?
   
   posted by Leigh Ann
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 12:48 pm
6. This was encouraging to me - I did not marry the right man and after 24 years of marriage - fighting to keep the marriage the door was shut. God has been a big part of my life since I was saved at 19 and the last five years of singleness God's provision and faithfulness has built my faith in Him. He is my husband, father, friend and provider. I trust in Him to and I will wait this time for the partner God has planned for me. If that is not in my future, I accept the singleness in my life and cling to the Father to be the leader, initiator and pursuer of my heart. Psalm27:14 "wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
   
   posted by Marie Zassoda
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 1:20 pm
7. For me, the one that meant the most is #6. I wish I could make that sink into the head of every single young woman bout there! There is no "...and they lived happily ever after..."
   I even cringe when people ask me "Are you happily maried?" Though my marriage is now great, it could never have been without my realization that it isn't my husband's job to MAKE me happy! It is MY job to be thankful for the blessing of a husband God gave me. And choose to be content with my life and the blessings God has for me.
   
   posted by Dawn Marie
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 1:38 pm
8. I will never forget the day I sat in the Sanctuary just looking around and trying to figure out where were the single eligible guys sitting; making sure I was there early enough to choose my seat carefully in case I find a "better" spot." This day God said to me: "when you come to My Sanctuary, come to worship Me, with all your heart, soul and mind. I want you looking at Me!" Ups.. Girls God want all of us. God also told me not to leave my Bible Study group since I was a little overwhelmed with all the volunteering, Bible School, and full time job. My husband was there :)
   
   posted by Evelyn
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 2:01 pm
9. This article is a total reflection of what God has been speaking to my heart! I believe God has given me a huge confirmation with this. I had been praying about whether or not I should broach the subject with a guy friend about whether or not we are still "just friends", as lately I have been getting mixed signals. I feel God telling me to just "wait". Even if it is a confusing situation, it is not worth ruining a great friendship just because I want to know what is going on. How can I expect a man to be a leader later on if I take the initiative now? That is taking man's role away from him. Ultimately, God is in control and can change the heart of anyone. Thank you!
   
   posted by Ria
   on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 2:27 pm
10. Thank you for this post. I especially liked #3 & 4. I have gotten to middle age and am still not married. Sometimes that bothers me. But then I remember how much God loves me. In Isaiah 54:5 God says "Thy Maker is thine husband" and I claim that. If I never have a earthly husband, I could not ask for anything better than God's love alone. I will just try to keep my eyes on Him and not get depressed by what the world says I need to be a woman.
    
    posted by Leona
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 2:43 pm
11. The 7th point really resonated with me. Being in the single season of life I have a great opportunity to grow closer to God without the distractions that come with being married. I want this time of life to be one of growth, learning more of God and coming to love Him more.
    
    God is graciously turning my heart to trust in Him for what is good for me, it's not an easy thing and sometimes it hurts, but God is good and He knows what I need more that I do:)
    
    Thank you for this post it is a great encouragement.
    
    posted by Dana
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 4:10 pm
12. I enjoyed #2- Letting the man persue---because it's true if you persue, how will the man know WHEN HE SHOULD LEAD? I have friends whose husbands AREN'T LEADERS now & they (women persued them when dating!) I see the destruction of manhood in doing this! It is a sign of our time...
    I also enjoyed #4-I don't know what's best for me, but God does. That was my mind set when I was single! I knew what I DIDN'T want but, only God knew the heart of another & he directed the RIGHT MAN to me! Of course, there were "frogs" along the way...But, when my husband came along, it just CLICKED!
    AND #6 for Leigh Ann- I believe, Women AREN'T ONLY CREATED TO HELP MAN. We are created to bring GLORY TO GOD, BOTH MEN & WOMEN! Isaiah 43:7 "Everyone who is called by my name, whom I have created for my glory;" As for "helping men..." I think you're confussing this with being a "helpmate!" Col.3:18 says, "Wives submit to YOUR OWN husbands as it is fitting in the Lord." That DOESN'T mean you submit & help men! Being a "Helpmate" is one who is a companion & helper; esp:WIFE. According to Webster's Dictionary! HOPE THIS HELPS! :)
    
    http://tladydesigns.blogspot.com/
    posted by Becky Green
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 4:53 pm
13. I have been married for 26 years and my husband left me a month ago. The pastor at his church advised him to move out and not speak to me or see me until I submitted to marital counseling with this pastor only. They would not approve of an outside counselor of any kind. They told me I either had to attend counseling with the pastor or file for divorce. I never thought my husband would be like he has been during the last month. Just because a man professes to love God, you can never be sure.
    
    posted by Julie
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 7:41 pm
14. points 1,2, 5 and 7 really touched me. Im in a relationship for 5 years now. we've lived together for about 2 years until about 6 months ago. Thing is, we were building a life together (almost without God). plus, there were many changes in our livess. But then, about a year ago, God decided to knock. I think He was trying to say: hey you need Me here. We did not really listen. We talked about going to church, getting it right" by being married ..then things started to get rough in the relationship. (if we only listened and acted on due time).
    Now I understand that we have to be somewhat apart to let got work in each of us separately, to form each of us to be able to match each other (if thats what God wants).
    I have now learned that I was wanting to lead and my way of thinking was not at all what God wants in a wife. So now God is teaching me. I attend bible studies, church and all and am learning. trying. Delighting in the Word. Im learning what it really means to love and practising it.
    Even though my 'boyfriend'is not walking as fast as I am I learned I have to trust the Lord to guide his heart on God's own timing and not mine. So I'm now waiting for him to take a new initiative for a Godly relationship if God will.
    But I do know God has now a place in my life.
    
    posted by Nina
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 8:43 pm
15. Dear Leigh Ann,
    
    Thanks for pointing out my unfortunate wording on point six. As you know, the context of Genesis 2:18 is God sees that it isn't good for "the man" (Adam) to be alone, so He sets out to create a helper for him.
    
    He creates one woman (Eve) and brings her to Adam, and she becomes his wife (v. 24). God doesn't give Adam a mom, teacher, or a female co-worker, although all these roles can help men. God's idea of a "helper" in Genesis 2:18 seems to specifically be a wife.
    
    Hope that helps clarify things a bit,
    
    paula
    
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 8:45 pm
16. Thank you so much for this post....I needed to be reminded of these things today!
    Several of these points resonated with me.....I think right now, number 7 is probably the one that means the most to me personally. This season of singleness is a precious gift from the Lord, a period of time for me to seek Him, to have an undivided focus on Him and to pursue Him in a way that I wouldn't be able to were I in a relationship.
    
    posted by Leah
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 9:16 pm
17. I loved the question regarding submission. I must have been practicing submission in my singleness before submitting in my marriage. It won't just "happen" bc one gets married. Submission to Christ, to authorities...etc must be practiced daily before and during marriage.
    
    posted by carissa belford
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm
18. Paula, thank you. :) I am a single young woman myself and reading this post was perfect timing. The Lord knows exactly what we need to hear when we need to hear it! Thank you for speaking such truth into my life and reminding me of the refreshing truth that God is in control... and I should never try to manipulate or change that (all in vain, of course)!
    
    "If the Lord can move the heart of the most powerful man in the land, He can turn any guy’s heart. Wait for His perfect timing." There's no reason to worry or to ask "what if" questions or to doubt God's perfect goodness and trustworthiness... HE is in control and He not only knows what is best, but He wants what is best for His own.
    
    Thank you, Paula! I'd still love the chance to meet up with you sometime in person. Keep on keeping on for Jesus! You are a blessing. I can't wait to read your book!
    
    www.agirlsjourneywithGod.blogspot.com
    posted by Molly Sipling
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 10:15 pm
19. I liked number 2. I'm in my early 40s and have yet to meet my match. Most of the time anymore, it feels like I'm not going to meet someone. I'm realizing that my singleness (without assurance that I'll marry and have my own family) is one of the greatest tests of my faith, of trusting that God will be my provider, that He supplies my joy, and that life CAN be complete without a partner. I pray for the vision to see how God can use my life as a single woman. I have found every one of your points to be very true over the years. It's hard not to try to leap ahead, but wait and trust God.
    
    posted by Sara Landerdahl
    on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 10:41 pm
20. 1 & 4 really hit home for me - as a single girl leaving the college scene, many of my guy and girl friends are getting engaged and marry, and I am still here, having never dated. It's a good reminder to have God as our lover, and him directing the guys as well. If we want godly men, don't we also want them listening to God's timing, even if it means a few years down the road? In that sense too, God is guarding our hearts (and theirs) by us surrendering to him. Thanks for writing this!
    
    posted by Sarah
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 7:27 am
21. Thanks, Molly! I was just with Kimberly Wagner and she was talking you up big time. :) Let me know when you want to take a trip to Michigan--we'd love to have you!
    
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 8:50 am
22. My husband and I were just talking about this. He gave me some insight into the workings of a man's mind, and why it is so important for a woman to let a man pursue her instead of pursuing him herself.
    
    Men have a God-given desire to initiate, pursue and conquer. Their senses of leadership and manhood are awakened by the challenge of winning a woman's heart. One of the biggest temptations men face is the temptation to be passive. A woman pursuing a man makes the job easy for him, and he passively accepts the relationship set in front of him. "After all," he thinks, "She's attractive, godly, a nice girl, and she seems to really like me, so why not?" But this can cause a man to waver in his commitment to her before and after marriage. If they do get married, the fact that she pursued him can fill him with confusion about whether he should have married her, whether he has ever truly loved her. He feels the blow to his manhood because he never pursued his wife. My husband and I are seeing this scenario play out in painful ways in the marriage of some friends.
    
    I'm not saying that a marriage like this is doomed to failure. . . God's truth can conquer the lies the man is hearing, and he can choose to pursue and love and commit to the wife God has given him. I am merely giving some extra insight and initiative for single women to look ahead, consider the possible outcome of your actions, and make wise choices now.
    
    I heartily concur with what Paula has said. I know what it feels like to be passed over by men, undesired, un-pursued. You wonder what is wrong with you. And in an age of passive boys you wonder if there is even a man out there who will have the guts to initiate, or if you should just throw in the towel. But God taught me very important lessons during those single years, and He brought my husband in His timing to pursue me. My husband admits that his personality is one that tends to waver in decision making (I had to wait and pray and trust God a lot even while we were dating), but he says his commitment to me is helped and strengthened by the fact that he pursued me.
    
    posted by Kristin
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 10:07 am
23. As the mother of four girls and four boys with some of them approaching 30 and not married yet, I found this article encouraging for me! God is sovereign! He is, indeed, in control.
    
    Yes marriage is very hard and that selfishness thing is a battle all throughout life. I keep thinking (after 32 years) that I have learned my lessons only to have another one rear its head!
    
    And, yes, I have known Christian women who have insisted on "clarifying" with a man where they stand and has taken leadership in the relationship only to be discouraged and surprised after marriage that they married a wimp!
    
    I will say to the single ladies....don't allow a guy to monopolize your time in the name of "friendship." Your time is more valuable than that. If you are worth pursuing, make him pursue you from the very beginning...ie., call and plan ahead of time to be with you!
    
    www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
    posted by Jill Farris
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 10:14 am
24. I think that point #3 means the most to me. It is something I am constantly having to remind myself of, but it is so true. Many of the reasons that I want a boyfriend are really things that I don't need. I know that I already have God's love and that I am valuable and precious to Him. I don't need the love of a man to make me valuable. God's love is enough.
    
    posted by Emily
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm
25. Dear Nina,
    
    We’re so grateful for the work the Lord is doing in your life! You’re on the right path, dear friend. Stay in the Word, stay connected with God’s people and keep praying. God is at work. His ways are always best. Oh, how He loves you, Nina. Eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has planned for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9).
    
    Praying for you today.
    
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 4:57 pm
26. Dear Julie,
    
    My heart goes out to you, dear friend; I’m sorry for the heartache you are going through. Keep praying, Julie. Surround yourself with those who will cry out to God for you and your husband. As you so well know, this is a spiritual battle. Persevere, precious friend; stay engaged in the battle. Fight for your husband and your marriage. Others have seen God bring reconciliation and wholeness to seemingly hopeless situations.
    
    I am praying for you and your marriage today, Julie. I’d like to email you a copy of a letter written by a dear woman who faithfully fought for her marriage through a heartbreaking trial. We’ve entitled the letter “ Why I Will Not Divorce My Husband.” If you’d like to receive this document, you may email me at info@reviveourhearts.com.
    
    God bless you, Julie.
    
    “I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand. Do not fear. I will help you; though you stumble you will not fall for I the Lord uphold you with my hand. So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed or anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Is. 41:13; Ps. 37:24; Is 41:10).”
    
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 at 5:26 pm
27. As a 32 year old single woman, never married and having no kids, I am really encouraged by this article. Having grown up in a Christian home, I was taught to save sex for marriage, but beyond that, no one really knew much. In my early 20's, God led me to read a few wonderful books written on the subject, and helped me to solidify these and other core beliefs and values that I never learned growing up. Numbers 1-3 really have become the foundation for my approach to relationships with the opposite sex. First of all, I am called to only pursue God. Not to get anything, and not even for any of His promises, but just for who He is. Our relationship with our Creator is really the only thing we are called to do, besides being a witness, and what will go with us into eternity. Any earthly relationships fade away compared to the surpassing glory of knowing Him! I have observed enough guys to know that unless a man is radically pursuing the Lord, he is not worth a second look. Men are called to lead, and women are ultimately looking for a guy they can follow. I would rather stay single the rest of my life than to marry the wrong person, or settle because I am getting older. Do I get lonely? Of course. But I know God's timing is perfect and as number 3 states, I am loved completely and unconditionally. My prayer for the church, young or old, married or single, is that we all continue to pursue Jesus, our first love, knowing that nothing else in all eternity is as important as our relationship with Him, and leading others into that relationship.
    
    posted by Ann Buzzard
    on Friday, January 11, 2013 at 10:37 am
28. I think the first point speaks volumes to me. This is something that has taken me a long time to understand though. Its hard to comprehand that we are actually waiting on God to pick the right man for us. I was told not too long ago, if several of your last relationships have ended the same way that could be God saying that I am not ready to meet the man I am meant to be with. God wants me to grow in my relationship with Him before I try to enter in a worldly relationship. Also that is more time that God is preparing my future husband for me.
    
    posted by Randi McCurley
    on Friday, January 11, 2013 at 2:20 pm
29. Thank you, Paula, for taking the time to respond and explain. I appreciate it!
    
    I asked, in part, because there seems to be a common language in talking about women's roles that strongly implies that we are to always be "under" a man in some way in order to be a biblical woman. The helping role gets extended to include all men so that women are male helpers in general.
    
    I read a great article by Russell Moore called "Women, Stop Submitting to Men" that clarified this greatly for me! http://www.russellmoore.com/2011/12/05/women-stop-submitting-to-men/ I am raising my daughters to understand this very important distinction that sometimes gets muddled in more conservative complementarian circles. (And we are complementarians!)
    
    posted by Leigh Ann
    on Saturday, January 12, 2013 at 1:24 pm
30. I think that point #3 means the most to me. It is something I am constantly having to remind myself of, but it is so true. Many of the reasons that I want a boyfriend are really things that I don't need. I know that I already have God's love and that I am valuable and precious to Him. I don't need the love of a man to make me valuable. God's love is enough.
    
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, January 14, 2013 at 9:20 am
31. I so enjoyed reading all your comments.
    
    Congrats to Emily--you just won Carolyn McCulley's book, "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" Check your inbox for more details.
    
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, January 14, 2013 at 9:21 am
32. I just came across this post tonight. Thank you so much, Paula, for sharing your insights and providing affirmation that I'm on the right track.
    
    I'm 32, single, and have never been in a relationship. I pray for a husband a lot, have prepared myself to be a wife, and I read everything I can get my hands on about marriage and parenting God's way. I'm trusting the Lord to provide a husband of His choosing in His own perfect timing and way if that is His will for my life. It's not an easy path, but I do believe it's God's best.
    
    #2 stands out to me the most. I don't want or need a passive man, and I don't ever want to manipulate circumstances to snag a man, as culture (and, sadly, sometimes even the Christian culture) pressures women to do. I'm very intentional about not taking the lead and asking a man to DTR (define the relationship), although I have so badly wanted to at times. In these situations, I try to keep my feelings at bay and treat the man as a brother in the Lord...which is not lesser, just different. Christian friendships are truly great!
    
    Carolyn's book is excellent, and I hope that Emily enjoys it as much as I did. Also, I look forward to reading your book, Paula!
    
    posted by Lindsay
    on Saturday, March 9, 2013 at 1:14 am
33. What an encouraging comment to begin my week with, Lindsay. Your trust in the Lord is beautiful. Keep pursuing HIM!
    
    "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" (Matt. 5:6).
    
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, March 11, 2013 at 9:24 am