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Should My Boyfriend's Porn Addiction Be a Relationship Deal-Breaker?

Lindsey Wagstaffe

Lindsey Wagstaffe | 07.22.13

7 comments

Already married and dealing with your husband's porn addiction? Catch Pam and Tony Vuke's story, "Rebuilding After Pornography," today through Thursday on Revive Our Hearts.

When I was a little girl, I heard a frightening parable about an Indian who had been displaced from his land. The new settlers told him he could choose one cornfield on the reservation to make his own. So the Indian walked the length of the reservation all day, examining each cornfield individually—and finding something to be dissatisfied about with each plot of land.

By the time the sun set, he had reached the outer limits of the reservation—but he still had not made his choice. He turned around to go back and choose, but all the cornfields had already been taken, and there was nothing left for him and his family. When I grew up, I thought I was the Indian and marriage was a cornfield.

The lesson from the parable had been as plain as it was haunting: Don't be too selective, or you'll be left with nothing. Both my great-aunts died as old maids. I heard they had been given ample opportunities to marry—but they were said to be proud women who simply never found a man "good enough" for them. I was chilled.

No one is perfect but Jesus. I'll be the first to remind myself and other single women that we need to take all our expectations and dreams about marriage and lay them at Jesus' feet, saying, "Not what I will, but what You will. Let my will be Yours." We desperately need God to make us women full of grace, viewing ourselves and others from the angle of humility.

And yet, dear friend, choosing a husband is still nothing like choosing a cornfield. I say this as a single woman who deeply desires to marry and raise a family who loves Jesus. I also say this as a woman who has been given opportunities to marry and has chosen No through many tears. I understand the aching fear that settles in late at night when you wonder again if your hope was unrealistic. What if you've passed by the best love from a man that you'll ever be given?

Single men who are pursuing Jesus with abandon are not extinct. But compared against the plethora of available Christian men, they're certainly less common. And in our sex-saturated culture, the virtues of faithfulness and chastity do not tend to thrive in the heart of man who is not pursuing Jesus with abandon.

Enter pornography, one of the most common addictions within the church.

John Piper Answers My Question about Pornography

"For nearly every man who regularly views pornography, there is likely a wife or girlfriend experiencing the fallout resulting from his choices." –Vicki Tiede

Porn is the new normal. Although the effects of a husband's addiction to pornography are broad and devastating, this is the sobering refrain I've heard shattered girlfriends repeat:

"Every Christian man fails here. I think it's just something we have to understand and accept."

Marriage is a sacred covenant, designed by God to be a breathtaking portrait of the gospel (Ephesians 5). If He calls us to marry men who have sinned with pornography in the past, it will be our privilege to drench them with the same grace God has drenched us with—and it will be our joy to recognize the power of God to restore what has been broken. As we think through this topic biblically, we need to understand that we all stand on equal ground at the foot of the cross. We have all been forgiven much (Luke 7:36–50), and those of us who do not have a history with porn are not better than those of us who do. If the gospel is true, then there is no room for self-righteousness in this conversation.

If He calls us to marry men who have sinned with pornography in the past, it will be our privilege to drench them with the same grace God has drenched us with.

But when the man you're thinking about marrying has a current, habitual lust/porn problem, there's a ball in your court. It isn't in the past yet. You aren't his wife. You have a choice.

Although I'm currently single, I want to be well-prepared to approach this difficult choice compassionately when it arises in my own life or in the lives of women God brings to me for counsel. So I emailed Pastor John Piper with the following question, speaking on behalf of many other single women who desire to navigate the dating years ahead with both grace and realistic wisdom:

Should the present presence of pornography in a man's life be a marriage deal-breaker for single women like me?

Pastor John answered my question with power, discernment, and hope. His answer made me cry toward the end, and I believe that you will be similarly encouraged by his answer.

The full audio is well worth your time.

Click here to listen




I've written a recap of his response below:

What is pornography?

  • Pornography is looking at or fantasizing about nude women other than your wife.

Why is it wrong?

  • To use pornography is to hate women and enjoy their degradation. It is unloving.
  • Pornography endorses, helps, and approves of behaviors that destroy men and women.
  • Pornography is adulterous. It pursues physical pleasures designed by God for marriage.
  • Pornography is destructive to a man's capacity to love a woman purely, for herself rather than for her body.
  • Pornography trains a man's mind and body to be less content with the body of the real woman God gives him.
  • Pornography withers trust. A woman needs to be able to trust her husband, and pornography profoundly compromises that trust.
  • Pornography is destructive to a man's soul. His capacity to see and worship God in His glory is shriveled.
  • While he is in bondage to this sin, he cannot see God, delight in God, and treasure God the way God should be seen, delighted in, and treasured.

Can a man have regular triumph over pornography?

  • Yes. We've set our expectations for men too low.
  • Christian men are not victims or dogs in heat. They are created in the image of God and they have the gift of the Holy Spirit.
  • The fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, and self-control. The word for self-control in Galatians 5:22–23 usually refers to sexuality.

If he doesn't have regular triumph, should this be a deal-breaker?

  • When Jesus is a man's treasure—not just a doctrine, but Lord and Friend and Savior—he will not continually demean and hate women and confirm their destruction through his choices.
  • He will not continually shrink his soul's ability to savor God.
  • He will not continually defile his capacity to love his present or future wife.
  • He will not be continually committing adultery in his heart.
  • Yes, this should be a deal-breaker. A man who is walking closely with Jesus cannot simultaneously be in bondage to lust. Don't lower the bar.

Thank you so much, Pastor John, for your discernment and encouragement.

Friends, let's press close into Christ's love. And if marriage is His desire for our lives, let's trust God to be in the process of purifying the hearts and minds of the men we someday choose to marry.

Will you be narrowing your options if you choose not to marry unless it is to a man who is walking closely with Jesus? Yes. But—unlike the story of the Indian and the cornfield, where he was left with nothing after rejecting perfectly good plots of land—we will never be left with nothing. Married or single, we have the unmatchable promise of God Himself as our "portion." When we look to Him to fulfill our heart's deepest longings, we will never be disappointed. Instead, our hearts can leap in agreement with David in Psalm 16:

"The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
"I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (vv. 5–11)

Topics: Relationships with Others

Comments

  1. Thank You!
    maryannhowitson.com
    posted by Mary Ann
    on Monday, July 22, 2013 at 9:28 am
  2. One of the most painful moments in my life was when I had to break off an engagement because the Christian man I had known for years and was now planning to marry confessed that he was currently addicted to pornography. He refused to seek counseling, refused to postpone the wedding. He seemed to think that since he told me and a few other men in his life who would "hold him accountable" that we could just press on with a wedding a few months from that time. It was so devastating to find this out, but I am so thankful that he told me and that the Lord gave me the strength to choose to walk away from someone who was still in the clutches of porn addiction. I have since married someone else and have two children. My prayers for my ex-fiancée have always been that he would overcome porn thru the power of Christ and go on to live a Godly life.
    posted by charity
    on Monday, July 22, 2013 at 1:21 pm
  3. I am so glad you're tackling this question. I've mentored a young woman on this particular issue and counseled her in the same direction -- the response to the present influences the decision when a past commitment has not been made. I'll be sharing this post with others!
    http://www.moretobe.com
    posted by Elisa
    on Monday, July 22, 2013 at 3:12 pm
  4. I believe an untreated pornography addiction should be a deal breaker for marriage. However, a humble penitent Christian man who is willing to do whatever it takes to break a pornography addiction can recover fully, but not without much effort and much help from God and others.

    If a man demonstrates commitment to healing by seeking help every day, then he can overcome the addiction and make a great husband and father. Evidence of humbly seeking healing is vital. He should be seeking both professional and pastoral help. I've found the following to be helpful as I've helped people overcome pornography problems:

    12-step programs help but tend to have a high relapse rate.
    Cognitive behavior programs, such as Power Over Pornography, work well with lower relapse rates.
    Christian counseling helps.
    http://www.amazon.com/Power-Over-Pornography-Overcoming-ebook/dp/B008RCDDCA
    posted by Brian
    on Wednesday, July 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm
  5. I am in a relationship with a man who has in the past struggled with porn. When we first started getting to know each other he was still struggling with this addiction, but for the past 6th months there have been no occurrences. In the last couple of weeks there have been 2 or 3 more loses. He admits that it's wrong, and is seeking guidance/counseling for it. (He has been for years now even before we met). He has handed his computer over to his mentors for a time. He knows that it is wrong, and tells me that I deserve better. We have talked about getting married this summer, but is this a deal-breaker? He has been and is seeking freedom from this for years now, and this year he is finally receiving some victory from it. I honestly love him, but following the Lord is my priority. What is your advice?
    posted by Elyse
    on Thursday, November 14, 2013 at 12:31 am
  6. @Elyse...I know this is a heart-breaking situation. I would encourage you to continue on with right-thinking. Don't follow your heart on this one; but follow wisdom from the Lord. It might well be painful, but the consequences of going your own way could well bring a lifetime of heartache.

    Listen to the audio link above. Then prayerfully go before the Lord with each point Lindsey has posted. God will lead you; He promises to do so in Psalm 32:8-- "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you."

    I am praying for you, Elyse, that God will give you strength and wisdom. Thank you for asking for input in your life.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Tuesday, November 19, 2013 at 12:33 pm
  7. Thank you so much for writing this. Young women will most definitely face this issue and there is still not enough guidance or discussion in church about this. Please take it from me and from many many other women who I know who have been married or who are still married to men who insist on pornography - You are drawing the right conclusion. I have seen and heard about many women's struggles to convince their husbands that their self-worth and feelings on this subject matter and they are only responded to with disregard and being put down. Women deal with a decreasing confidence and self-worth when their husbands insist that it's the woman's problem to deal with. Some women even end up struggling with PTSD symptoms as they lose trust and feel always vulnerable, suspicious and in a state of worry after stumbling across this when they don't expect to find it. I married a Christian man. We had discussed pornography prior to marriage. He said we were both on the same page with it. I found porn several years in and was soon told that he just said we were on the same page before marriage because he wanted to marry me but he never believed it was wrong. He said I had an insecurity problem and needed to get over it and that he had been watching all along and that it was none of my business. He ended up divorcing me just because of porn, even after all that we had been through. When I looked back over the years, so many things made sense to me then. He had become critical of how I looked, did things in bed that I didn't understand why as they were on the verge of violent and demeaning. He kept telling me that I should look a certain way for him. And all of these things had been chipping at my esteem because I felt like he was not happy with me as I was. I realize now all these requests came from porn. I wish I had a better outlook for you, but I tell my nieces, and truly mean it, that the years of repair it is taking for my esteem and confidence due to this convinces me that I would definitely rather be single and living as the full person I was intended to be than to be married to a man with even a slightest interest in porn. I've seen so many women become a shell of who they were meant to be because of it. The more frequently that women can stand up for what they need and what is right, is the only way that society might reconsider promoting porn the way it does. I encourage more women to talk about this and to be vocal about it and to not just look the other way. This does not even have to be a religious issue. It is about treating women with equal respect as men. We are not things, as society is trying to convince everyone that we are.
    posted by Kim
    on Friday, December 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm

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