Believe it or not, one of the things I would love to be is . . . a pastor’s wife! Obviously, there’s not much I can do about that. But, I did have fun asking several current and former pastors’ wives to share their words of wisdom with me—just in case God has this in store for me.
The following letter is from my current pastor’s wife, Holly. I love it. I hope it will help you as you seek to support, love, and respect your pastor and his wife as they shoulder the responsibilities and burdens of shepherding the church daily. So, here you are:
Dear Wannabe Pastor’s Wife,
I think it’s great that you would like to be a pastor’s wife! I consider it a huge privilege to be married to a man who preaches God’s Word week after week. I love my husband and am grateful for the ministry the Lord has given us.
Let me begin by sharing our current ministry circumstances. We’re getting close to completing our first decade in pastoral ministry. Brian is in his second pastorate. We’re in our mid-thirties and our children are currently 7, 3, and 2. So, the things that I’ll share reflect the context of a mother of three small children.
Sometimes there are unwritten expectations that the pastor’s wife will be a Bible study leader, the church pianist, and a great soloist all rolled into one package–oh, and she pulls this off with the kid’s hair and clothing looking perfect at all times! But we will become slaves to people’s opinions if we order our lives to please everyone else. I have sometimes found myself side-tracked with worries that I wasn’t meeting people’s expectations. Keep your eye on the ball (God’s Word)! I find much peace in going back to Scripture and reminding myself that my real acceptance and security rest in Christ’s grace, not my performance.
When we were interviewed before coming to our current church, we clarified what my role and level of involvement within the church would look like. My role is the same as most mothers with several small children. This church has been extremely supportive and respectful of me in that decision. Biblically, the role of a pastor’s wife is the same as every wife’s: love your husband and children, manage your home well, and be an example to women around you (Titus 2:4-5). Though keeping the home running smoothly may seem mundane, this is an important ministry to Brian. We regularly evaluate what I’m doing in the church to ensure that it’s best for our family. I let my spiritual gifting direct many of my choices. I would encourage you to do the same–pastor’s wife or not! My spiritual gift is service, which means much of my involvement is behind the scenes. This, of course, will vary from person to person. We will serve people best if we’ll just be ourselves.
Your main role is to support your husband. This will look different for each family but here are a few suggestions:
1) Watch out for him. You know him better than anyone and have his best interests in mind. If he is overworking himself, lovingly bring it to his attention. Try to find ways to lighten the load. Occasionally, there are seasons where there is no way around the busyness at church. During those times, be his “fun zone!” Be the place where he can relax and not have to fix problems.
2) Give your husband helpful and honest feedback. Brian often asks me for feedback on his messages. When he asks for advice, I try not to shoot off the cuff, but take it seriously. Some Sunday mornings, I am unusually exhausted or maybe one of my children was distracting me. So the problem may have been with me, not the sermon! Take time to think through your opinions carefully to be sure they are wise and accurate.
3) Stand with him when times are tough. Even when you disagree with him, respect him, both publicly and privately. Pray that God will give him wisdom in making decisions. Do not forget the seriousness of his calling. He is bringing the gospel to the church each week.
Here are a few other random thoughts:
• Never gossip. As a pastor’s wife, you will be privy to much personal information. Keep all of it to yourself. Let this knowledge drive you to pray. It is a privilege to have the trust of people and to be in a position to help them. We must guard that trust.
• Grow a thick skin. A pastor almost never gets a 100% approval rating from the church (except maybe during the first month)! There will be criticisms. Try not to take every conflict too seriously. Keep a sense of humor. This is easier said than done, I know. But Jesus will help us when we ask.
• Be careful what you read concerning being a pastor’s wife. There are lots of negative statistics and studies telling how hard it can be. This is not really helpful or useful information. Read people who are positive and offer help for getting through the tough stuff.
I call myself a “weekend widow” because Brian works long hours on Saturday and Sunday! But when I happily “hold down the fort,” it frees him up to do his job. Remembering the eternal significance of what he is doing helps me keep a good attitude.
Thanks for allowing me share with you. If the Lord does indeed call you to be a pastor’s wife, I pray he will give you many wonderful experiences and much joy in it!
Holly Hedges
Comments
*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
Thank you for a wonderful letter to all those God may call to the incredible role of Pastor's wife!
All for Jesus!
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 9:54 am
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 10:31 am
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 10:33 am
I so appreciate your positive attitude--in fact your gratitude--for this "tough, wonderful" calling. Thank you for echoing Holly's sentiments!
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:09 am
"When Billy and I were engaged, I was given several books about how to 'survive' the pastorate. These books included a lot of references to fishbowls, expectations, and misery!
"I was so grateful for a book called High Call, High Privilege that encouraged me with the possibility that God could have a blessing for me as well. I trashed the other books and plunged into my new life without fear about all the un-knowns in my future."
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:12 am
You might want to check out the book, "High Call, High Privilege," recommended above.
I pray that you and your husband hear clearly from the Lord, and that once you do, you walk forward in courageous faith, not looking back.
Regardless of what doors He opens for you, I know that that His grace will be sufficient for you, even--no especially--in your weaknesses. (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:16 am
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Praying to be more and more llike Jesus in humility and meekness!
Personally, I still stuggle on the the first 2 bullet points! And I do know it is for the best, and praying to grow more dependent on Jesus regarding these. I need to learn to unburden to God.
It will be good to hear from other Pastor's wife who do not have children and their experiences as well.
God bless you!
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I love your prayer that you will be more like Jesus--filled with humility and meekness. I was so amazed this morning as I was reminded of the way the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit relate to each other. It was Jesus' total pleasure to direct all praise not to Himself, but to the Father. ("My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.")
If you can, meditate on these three passages: John 4:34; 8:28-29; 1 Cor. 11:3. I think you'll find them greatly encouraging as you seek to submit to your husband out of love for Christ! Thanks again for commenting.
on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Never in my life did I expect to be or want to be a pastor's wife. But, by God's grace and His sovereign plan, that is what He made me--and I love it and thank Him for it! I am so grateful that God rescued us from sin and eternal separation from Himself in 1999 and has brought us to where we are. I am grateful to have a strong spiritual leader in our home for our sons and me. It is my privilege to serve God by serving my husband. One of the things that I have learned from other pastor's wives is to make our home a sanctuary for him. My goal is to have peace in our house when he gets home each evening--I'm clean and in "real" clothes, our boys are clean, the house is picked up (not necessarily clean), dinner's about ready, the house is fragrant (candles--not MY cooking!), and worship music playing. I don't always meet this whole goal, but I try to do at least a few things. No matter what your husband's job is, ask him what he would like to come home to, and try to do it. Another thing I try to do is to build him up publicly--show him and others that I respect him. And finally I try to be conscious of Proverbs 31:12--to bring him good and not harm all the days of my life. Hope this is helpful.
I'd love to hear other practical ways to support/encourage our spouses...
on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 1:52 am
on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 8:03 am
on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 3:02 pm
on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 8:54 pm
on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Great words to all of us--married or not--to look to God for our delight, fulfillment--everything--rather than to other things/humans (i.e. "idols"). Thanks a lot for sharing,
paula
on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm
My pastor's wife and I are exceptionally close. In fact I was part of their wedding arrangements as the wedding planner- four years ago. She is much younger than her husband- a good 15 years or so.
I always felt that my role in her life was to mentor, guide and groom her into womanhood- I had this conviction at their wedding ceremony. I am convinced that that is my God given purpose for our relationship.
Please understand that prior to this I did not know her. We now find ourselves in a rather sticky situation. Congregants feel we are too close and that as a pastor's wife she should not have such a close friend within the church. Is this biblical? Is there substance to this? Does that mean in order for us to remain friends I should leave their church and go fellowship elsewhere?
on Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 9:18 am
Welcome to the site! We're thrilled you're here. I'm curious, how did you discover us?
I'm sorry about the sticky situation you find yourself in. Pastor's wives are no different from the rest of us--they need good friends, too! I absolutely do not believe it is biblical for you to cut off this friendship or move to another congregation.
However, I would encourage you to be sensitive to her and others by not monopolizing her time or flaunting your relationship in front of others. I'm in no way saying you ARE doing this; just wanting to encourage you to be sensitive to those around you while still continuing your friendship.
We are definitely praying for you and all those involved!
on Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 11:45 am
I received an email from a friend... praying for your husband challenge. I followed the links voila... I met you all. Thank you for all your input and prayers.
Thanks for the response and thank you for your prayers.
on Friday, July 10, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Juggling being a wife, mom , career and ministry responsibilities along with household stuff.... and also feeling quite lonely (even though surrounded by a congregation of 200) ....the other leaders are older and quite close in relationship and I feel like I'm on the outside.....any advice or encouragement would be wonderful. I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like since my husband came on as full time staff, and more pressure was placed on me I have lost a great deal of my joy.....and I want it back!
on Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 10:27 pm
First, my heart goes out to you. The ROH team prayed for you by name this morning in our weekly prayer meeting. It's no wonder you're feeling exhausted!
Does your husband know how you're feeling? The church leadership? Is there a woman you could confide in who could support you in prayer?
It's so easy to feel like we have to keep juggling all the balls ourselves. But, in reality, you need help. As a recovering perfectionist, I often have to remind myself that because of the Gospel (because I'm an imperfect sinner who needed a Savior) it's okay to admit my weaknesses, sins, failures, and limitations to others.
Is it possible for you to discontinue your "ministry responsibilities" at this time, in order to prioritize your own relationship with God, your husband, and your children? I'd say that should be the first thing to go.
I'm assuming you have to continue working, but have you appealed to and prayed with your husband about this? Could you possibly cut back on your hours?
Please keep me updated--in the meantime, I will continue to pray for you as the Holy Spirit brings you to mind--that you will clearly know HIS priorities for you during this season, and that you will find His grace completely sufficient.
Love,
paula
on Monday, July 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm
On a very random note, I'm impressed that you know how to spell "viola." I just learned by misspelling it "wa la." :)
on Monday, July 13, 2009 at 5:13 pm
The tips that you gave were very practical. Thank you.
on Wednesday, July 15, 2009 at 1:15 am
The first little bit of any church ministry is, and can be--and should be, a delightful time getting to know the congregation and blending into their lives.
In the beginning ministry of our last church, FUNERALS were a big part of us blending in quickly to our last congregation, but it proved to be a good thing because we got to know extended family members; it helped us gain great insight into the precious lives of those whom we had known only for a short time. As time went on, of course, the hurt of losing a member became more profound because a relationship had been formed and nurtured. I personally would encourage, if at all possible, for the pastor's wife to be a part of funerals. If you have small children, then strive to make some sort of contact with the grieving family at a time that would not put undue stress/hardship on the family; (finding babysitters is not always possible or economical--not having family around to ask favors of is something to take into consideration.) This will bind you to them, and them to you. They will greatly appreciate it.
If I made a mistake by taking our two children to a lot of funerals, the Lord will have to redeem it. (Their views on attending so many funerals has NOT been a positive one.) At the time, I felt I wanted to be present at the funerals and burials. Truthfully, I also felt it was expected. Yet, I desired to be alongside my husband as he delivered a funeral message and I wanted to be teamed up with him for encouragement and support of the grieving family.
Probably the most stressful thing about being in a pastor's family is not having our own family nearby for support. Every pastorate, every community is so different and what you experience at one church may not be what you experience at another as far as "family atmosphere." Pray for discernment in this area. As the conversation pointed to in above posts, there is a jealously issue that can happen if relationships with church members become too out in the open. No one intends to flaunt a relationship, but if someone is jealous, then they're going to "flaunt" their opinion--and usually those "opinions" are shared in the heat of any undercurrent that might be brewing.
I think the article above is excellent in directing a pastor's wife to not gossip. Keeping a confidence is of upmost importance. We must watch our body language, as well, when listening to someone confide in us. If you tend to shake your head up and down while someone is talking, it could be interpreted that you are agreeing with what they are saying. It is best to verbally say, "I hear what you're saying." Or, "What I hear you saying is...." Or, "Be assured I will covenant to pray with you over this matter." Church members can and will confide in you for serious concerns; others may do it to pull information out of you. Be wise!
Above all,
* Cultivate a rich bond with Christ; seeking to please Him as you feed your soul on His Word, and as you tend to your family in a Godly way.
* Be your husband's encourager; he doesn't need you as enemy under the pretense of being His Holy Spirit. Let the Holy Spirit do His work; you do yours. Listen to his heart, just as you would want to be listened to by him.
* Share NOT with your husband every rumor you hear. (Trust me when I say this, he is not sharing every rumor that he hears.) Rumors are just that--things said with an intention to arouse a negative response. If you feel you need to approach someone to get something straight, or accounted for, then do it quickly. Tracing back the source of a rumor is not as difficult as you think. I think its important to let a gossiper know you "have heard" their opinion. Be gentle.
* Be focused and purposeful in ministry. The more we do this, the more "self" tends to be put in the right perspective; otherwise "self" can take over and Satan's now has reign of our thoughts. That's not a good place to be!
* Love, love, love, love your congregation.
My last statement is this: Repeat to yourself often,
"It's not all about me."
There's a Gospel message to get out, and God has unbelieveably chosen US to fulfill this Great Commission in this capacity. Why? I have no clue, other than He really, really wanted us to be blessed.
on Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 1:31 am
While I've been to his church several times...it is large enough that no one realizes the relationship at all....
2 questions: Any advice on how to introduce the relationship....I know it is his call but lately I notice his associate pastor looking at me a bit strange and I wonder if she is figuring it out...
and next question.....if it's this hard to date...would it really be better if we marry....I can't imagine having less time than we do now!
Thank you for your site...and for your answers
on Saturday, May 22, 2010 at 10:18 pm
My name is Valerie and although I am not a pastor's wife I have been ministered/prophesied to on more than one occasion that I am going to marry a pastor. My concern is that I don't think I fit the bill spiritually. Although I have been saved for over 20 years I have really just been a church goer but full of faith also. I live by the principle of faith. My question is should I be preparing for this role in my life or should I just wait until it happens & be led by the spirit. I would appreciate all spiritual advise.
on Tuesday, May 25, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Here’s a question for you . . . How would preparation for being a pastor’s wife look different from the path you’re currently on?
Though we don’t know specifically what the Lord has for us in the future, we do know His general purpose/intent for our life. Therefore, it’s always right to focus on that—things like: Developing deeper intimacy with Jesus in the Word and in prayer—learning to hear His voice and respond in obedience. Things like holy living, ministering to the saints, and using your gifts to build up the Body.
The Lord is always weaving together the tapestry of our lives, and He doesn’t waste any season/experience. We don’t need to know what lies ahead, but to walk intimately with Him through each day. To say wherever/whatever, Lord—you lead, I’ll follow.
Hope that helps a bit,
paula
on Monday, May 31, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Do you have an older, godly woman who knows all the facts and can ask you questions and give you insights? This is vital, especially as I only have a few of the facts . . .
That said, here are a few questions/thoughts:
If ministry/work/time issues have arisen in your dating relationship, what steps have been taken to bring these issues into a more healthy balance? Have you seen change in these areas?
You’re right . . . he does need to lead in this relationship. If you’ve been in the relationship for a while, why don’t his friends and co-workers know about it? Have you talked to him about this?
I encourage you not to run past the cautions/concerns the Holy Spirit may be bringing to your mind.
Blessings,
paula
on Monday, May 31, 2010 at 3:33 pm
on Friday, June 4, 2010 at 8:42 pm
women of God i love all the comment and i will like 2 lean more about how a pastor's wife should behave
on Sunday, June 27, 2010 at 8:40 am
Welcome to the site! While pastor's wives are in the spotlight quite a bit, they're called to the same things all godly women are: to love God with all their hearts, and love others as themselves.
I'd encourage you to keep reading the posts here, as they pertain to all women--pastor's wives and others alike.
Thank you for serving God and His Body as a pastor's wife!
paula
on Monday, June 28, 2010 at 12:02 pm
I am also a partner to a pastor, really it is not easy with his busy schedules, meetings,conferences. Though we are not yet married i realise the kind of lifestyle and responsibilities we will lead due to his calling, at times im afraid because i'm a young working woman and independant individual. I love this man and i am afraid of not being able to support him should we decide to marry.
My requset is to ask for prayer from other woman who are supporters to their partners in the ministry. I pray for a good marriage, family and God's eternal presence in my life. I not only pray for myself but pray for each woman in the same situation.
Be Blessed. Bervalyn, South Africa
on Monday, August 30, 2010 at 9:45 am