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Paula Hendricks

Words of Wisdom to a Wannabe Pastor's Wife

Posted on 06.29.09 by Paula Hendricks
Topics: The Church

Believe it or not, one of the things I would love to be is . . . a pastor’s wife! Obviously, there’s not much I can do about that. But, I did have fun asking several current and former pastors’ wives to share their words of wisdom with me—just in case God has this in store for me. 

The following letter is from my current pastor’s wife, Holly. I love it. I hope it will help you as you seek to support, love, and respect your pastor and his wife as they shoulder the responsibilities and burdens of shepherding the church daily. So, here you are:

Dear Wannabe Pastor’s Wife,

I think it’s great that you would like to be a pastor’s wife! I consider it a huge privilege to be married to a man who preaches God’s Word week after week. I love my husband and am grateful for the ministry the Lord has given us.

Let me begin by sharing our current ministry circumstances. We’re getting close to completing our first decade in pastoral ministry. Brian is in his second pastorate. We’re in our mid-thirties and our children are currently 7, 3, and 2. So, the things that I’ll share reflect the context of a mother of three small children.

Sometimes there are unwritten expectations that the pastor’s wife will be a Bible study leader, the church pianist, and a great soloist all rolled into one package–oh, and she pulls this off with the kid’s hair and clothing looking perfect at all times! But we will become slaves to people’s opinions if we order our lives to please everyone else. I have sometimes found myself side-tracked with worries that I wasn’t meeting people’s expectations. Keep your eye on the ball (God’s Word)! I find much peace in going back to Scripture and reminding myself that my real acceptance and security rest in Christ’s grace, not my performance.

When we were interviewed before coming to our current church, we clarified what my role and level of involvement within the church would look like. My role is the same as most mothers with several small children. This church has been extremely supportive and respectful of me in that decision. Biblically, the role of a pastor’s wife is the same as every wife’s: love your husband and children, manage your home well, and be an example to women around you (Titus 2:4-5). Though keeping the home running smoothly may seem mundane, this is an important ministry to Brian. We regularly evaluate what I’m doing in the church to ensure that it’s best for our family. I let my spiritual gifting direct many of my choices. I would encourage you to do the same–pastor’s wife or not! My spiritual gift is service, which means much of my involvement is behind the scenes. This, of course, will vary from person to person. We will serve people best if we’ll just be ourselves.

Your main role is to support your husband. This will look different for each family but here are a few suggestions:

1) Watch out for him. You know him better than anyone and have his best interests in mind. If he is overworking himself, lovingly bring it to his attention. Try to find ways to lighten the load. Occasionally, there are seasons where there is no way around the busyness at church. During those times, be his “fun zone!” Be the place where he can relax and not have to fix problems.

2) Give your husband helpful and honest feedback. Brian often asks me for feedback on his messages. When he asks for advice, I try not to shoot off the cuff, but take it seriously. Some Sunday mornings, I am unusually exhausted or maybe one of my children was distracting me. So the problem may have been with me, not the sermon! Take time to think through your opinions carefully to be sure they are wise and accurate.

3) Stand with him when times are tough. Even when you disagree with him, respect him, both publicly and privately. Pray that God will give him wisdom in making decisions. Do not forget the seriousness of his calling. He is bringing the gospel to the church each week.

Here are a few other random thoughts:
• Never gossip. As a pastor’s wife, you will be privy to much personal information. Keep all of it to yourself. Let this knowledge drive you to pray. It is a privilege to have the trust of people and to be in a position to help them. We must guard that trust.
• Grow a thick skin. A pastor almost never gets a 100% approval rating from the church (except maybe during the first month)! There will be criticisms. Try not to take every conflict too seriously. Keep a sense of humor. This is easier said than done, I know. But Jesus will help us when we ask.
• Be careful what you read concerning being a pastor’s wife. There are lots of negative statistics and studies telling how hard it can be. This is not really helpful or useful information. Read people who are positive and offer help for getting through the tough stuff. 
 
I call myself a “weekend widow” because Brian works long hours on Saturday and Sunday! But when I happily “hold down the fort,” it frees him up to do his job. Remembering the eternal significance of what he is doing helps me keep a good attitude.

Thanks for allowing me share with you. If the Lord does indeed call you to be a pastor’s wife, I pray he will give you many wonderful experiences and much joy in it!

Holly Hedges

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*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

  1. So thankful there is another pastor's wife out there with the same sentiments as myself. You are right...it is hard to find women who are serving in this role that are relaying a positive message. The ministry is hard sometimes...but it is the most wonderful hard thing I've done...well, that and birthing babies!! : )

    Thank you for a wonderful letter to all those God may call to the incredible role of Pastor's wife!

    All for Jesus!
    posted by Shelley
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 9:54 am
  2. There's a great new book just out by my friend Susie Hawkins wife of O.S. Hawkins (former pastor 1st Baptist Dallas and others) called "From One Ministry Wife to Another" You can find it in just about any book store and online
    www.myspace.com/burstingwithsong
    posted by lisa simmons
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 10:31 am
  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm not sure whether my husband is called to preach God's word and Pastor a church. We are still seeking God for direction. Your insights are very helpful as I have felt overwhelmed by the thought.
    posted by Isabelle
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 10:33 am
  4. Shelley,

    I so appreciate your positive attitude--in fact your gratitude--for this "tough, wonderful" calling. Thank you for echoing Holly's sentiments!
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:09 am
  5. Thanks for the book recommendation, Lisa. Here's another book recommendation from Holly Elliff, Nancy's dear friend and another pastor's wife. She told me in an email:

    "When Billy and I were engaged, I was given several books about how to 'survive' the pastorate. These books included a lot of references to fishbowls, expectations, and misery!

    "I was so grateful for a book called High Call, High Privilege that encouraged me with the possibility that God could have a blessing for me as well. I trashed the other books and plunged into my new life without fear about all the un-knowns in my future."
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:12 am
  6. Dear Isabelle,

    You might want to check out the book, "High Call, High Privilege," recommended above.

    I pray that you and your husband hear clearly from the Lord, and that once you do, you walk forward in courageous faith, not looking back.

    Regardless of what doors He opens for you, I know that that His grace will be sufficient for you, even--no especially--in your weaknesses. (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 11:16 am
  7. Thank you for the mature, seasoned insight from one who is still young in years! The highest calling of a pastor's wife is to support him , to do what's best for him and your family, and be a godly example to other women. (as per Titus 2). Don't let expectations change you from that. The ministry is a wonderful calling and being a godly wife is a blessing from God!
    posted by Debbie
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 12:37 pm
  8. Thank you so much for sharing! I face my toughest challenge yet - breaking the fallow grounds of my heart to being more submissive even when I disagree with him!

    Praying to be more and more llike Jesus in humility and meekness!

    Personally, I still stuggle on the the first 2 bullet points! And I do know it is for the best, and praying to grow more dependent on Jesus regarding these. I need to learn to unburden to God.

    It will be good to hear from other Pastor's wife who do not have children and their experiences as well.

    God bless you!
    posted by amareno
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 4:39 pm
  9. Thanks for your honesty about your struggles to respect your husband, Amareno. I know you're not the only one, but I am specifically praying with and for you!

    I love your prayer that you will be more like Jesus--filled with humility and meekness. I was so amazed this morning as I was reminded of the way the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit relate to each other. It was Jesus' total pleasure to direct all praise not to Himself, but to the Father. ("My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.")

    If you can, meditate on these three passages: John 4:34; 8:28-29; 1 Cor. 11:3. I think you'll find them greatly encouraging as you seek to submit to your husband out of love for Christ! Thanks again for commenting.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, June 29, 2009 at 9:18 pm
  10. Thank you so much for posting this. I have so many areas to grow in!!

    Never in my life did I expect to be or want to be a pastor's wife. But, by God's grace and His sovereign plan, that is what He made me--and I love it and thank Him for it! I am so grateful that God rescued us from sin and eternal separation from Himself in 1999 and has brought us to where we are. I am grateful to have a strong spiritual leader in our home for our sons and me. It is my privilege to serve God by serving my husband. One of the things that I have learned from other pastor's wives is to make our home a sanctuary for him. My goal is to have peace in our house when he gets home each evening--I'm clean and in "real" clothes, our boys are clean, the house is picked up (not necessarily clean), dinner's about ready, the house is fragrant (candles--not MY cooking!), and worship music playing. I don't always meet this whole goal, but I try to do at least a few things. No matter what your husband's job is, ask him what he would like to come home to, and try to do it. Another thing I try to do is to build him up publicly--show him and others that I respect him. And finally I try to be conscious of Proverbs 31:12--to bring him good and not harm all the days of my life. Hope this is helpful.

    I'd love to hear other practical ways to support/encourage our spouses...
    posted by Tracy
    on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 1:52 am
  11. Thanks for the encouragement Paula and praise God for this thread of the blog...it is so needed! I know so many discouraged pastor's wives. I echo whoever wrote about "expectations" . I love the Psalm that tells us that our only expectations come from the Lord. That is where we find our strength, our comfort, our identity, our zeal, our purpose...everything! I have found that walking daily with the Lord and growing deeper in the Word not only supplies all I need as a Pastor's wife...but is also a blessing to my husband. He is studying and devouring the Word consistently. When I am spiritually strong and looking to God to satisfy needs only He can satisfy, it frees my husband up to be "my husband"--not "my saviour". We can have deep wonderful talks about the Word and when he comes to me for my opinion on something, He knows I will seek the Lord and answer from the Word and not my emotions. (I am a woman and I have LOTS of emotions! So, it is important to keep my mind stayed upon Jehovah!). I am not implying that he should never help meet some of my emotional needs...but I think it is important, for a pastor's wife especially, to not be another counselee! He does meet many of my emotional needs...but a gift I can give him is sitting at the feet of Jesus and leaving my burdens there...especially in times where his pressures are great. Not only can our homes be a refuge, but in a sense we are a help meet when he can come home to a woman who is not another "burden". Okay...I have rambled! Thanks again for these posts...I am encouraged!
    posted by Shelley
    on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 8:03 am
  12. Thanks for the words of wisdom! Another insightful resource is the book called, "The Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Marriage" by Mary Somerville. I found it very helpful in my first years of being a pastor's wife, and now that we're at a new church, I want to read it again!
    posted by Heather
    on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 3:02 pm
  13. This is so helpful! As the wife of a pastor 3 months into his first pastorate, it couldn't be more timely for our family. Thank you!
    posted by Sarah P
    on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 8:54 pm
  14. Wow, Tracy. Thanks for sharing this with us. Your husband must love coming home! Very, very cool.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 3:49 pm
  15. Shelley,

    Great words to all of us--married or not--to look to God for our delight, fulfillment--everything--rather than to other things/humans (i.e. "idols"). Thanks a lot for sharing,

    paula
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm
  16. Before I dive into my somewhat unrelated question, allow me to thank you for this website. I discovered it a couple of weeks ago and can't wait to go online and see what topic you are chatting about!! You are a blessing to me- thank you, thank you, thank you!!

    My pastor's wife and I are exceptionally close. In fact I was part of their wedding arrangements as the wedding planner- four years ago. She is much younger than her husband- a good 15 years or so.

    I always felt that my role in her life was to mentor, guide and groom her into womanhood- I had this conviction at their wedding ceremony. I am convinced that that is my God given purpose for our relationship.

    Please understand that prior to this I did not know her. We now find ourselves in a rather sticky situation. Congregants feel we are too close and that as a pastor's wife she should not have such a close friend within the church. Is this biblical? Is there substance to this? Does that mean in order for us to remain friends I should leave their church and go fellowship elsewhere?
    posted by Caroline Mary
    on Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 9:18 am
  17. Dear Caroline Mary,

    Welcome to the site! We're thrilled you're here. I'm curious, how did you discover us?

    I'm sorry about the sticky situation you find yourself in. Pastor's wives are no different from the rest of us--they need good friends, too! I absolutely do not believe it is biblical for you to cut off this friendship or move to another congregation.

    However, I would encourage you to be sensitive to her and others by not monopolizing her time or flaunting your relationship in front of others. I'm in no way saying you ARE doing this; just wanting to encourage you to be sensitive to those around you while still continuing your friendship.

    We are definitely praying for you and all those involved!
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 11:45 am
  18. Hi Paula

    I received an email from a friend... praying for your husband challenge. I followed the links voila... I met you all. Thank you for all your input and prayers.

    Thanks for the response and thank you for your prayers.
    posted by Caroline Mary
    on Friday, July 10, 2009 at 3:37 pm
  19. I am a young youth Pastor's wife. We have two young children and I also work outside the home as my husband is full time, but makes a very small salary.
    Juggling being a wife, mom , career and ministry responsibilities along with household stuff.... and also feeling quite lonely (even though surrounded by a congregation of 200) ....the other leaders are older and quite close in relationship and I feel like I'm on the outside.....any advice or encouragement would be wonderful. I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like since my husband came on as full time staff, and more pressure was placed on me I have lost a great deal of my joy.....and I want it back!
    posted by Ann
    on Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 10:27 pm
  20. Dear Ann,

    First, my heart goes out to you. The ROH team prayed for you by name this morning in our weekly prayer meeting. It's no wonder you're feeling exhausted!

    Does your husband know how you're feeling? The church leadership? Is there a woman you could confide in who could support you in prayer?

    It's so easy to feel like we have to keep juggling all the balls ourselves. But, in reality, you need help. As a recovering perfectionist, I often have to remind myself that because of the Gospel (because I'm an imperfect sinner who needed a Savior) it's okay to admit my weaknesses, sins, failures, and limitations to others.

    Is it possible for you to discontinue your "ministry responsibilities" at this time, in order to prioritize your own relationship with God, your husband, and your children? I'd say that should be the first thing to go.

    I'm assuming you have to continue working, but have you appealed to and prayed with your husband about this? Could you possibly cut back on your hours?

    Please keep me updated--in the meantime, I will continue to pray for you as the Holy Spirit brings you to mind--that you will clearly know HIS priorities for you during this season, and that you will find His grace completely sufficient.

    Love,

    paula
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, July 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm
  21. Cool! I hope you stick around, Caroline Mary.

    On a very random note, I'm impressed that you know how to spell "viola." I just learned by misspelling it "wa la." :)
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, July 13, 2009 at 5:13 pm
  22. ahm. lately, i've been taking how hard it would be to be a pastor's wife... but I believe that God would enable me, " if ever i am called to be one". I'm still young and I have a long way to go... The pastor in our church is also young. That's why we are waiting for God's perfect timing.

    The tips that you gave were very practical. Thank you.
    posted by Apple of God's Eye
    on Wednesday, July 15, 2009 at 1:15 am

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