16 comments

Paula Hendricks

Conversation 101

Posted on 07.22.09 by Paula Hendricks | Twitter: @PaulaWrites678
Topics: Impacting your world, Homefront, Relationships with Others

Hospitality is a joke without conversation (i.e. connection). Your floors can be sparkling, the windows shining, the aromas wafting, but if you don’t know how to connect with your guest . . . well, it’s a flop! Here are a few simple do’s and dont’s I’ve learned along the way:

Do:

  • Listen! Listen not just because you want to look like a good listener; listen because you really want to understand where this person is coming from. If you have no desire to really understand them, ask God for that desire. Ask Him to give you insight into the other person so that you can better love, pray, and point them to Jesus and the Truth they need.
  • Admit it when you aren’t listening. Then, ask them to repeat what they were saying. I say something like, “I’m so sorry! I just realized I tuned out, but I really am interested. Would you mind repeating what you just said?” (It’s more important to actually hear—even if it means humbling yourself—then to just nod your head ignorantly.)
  • Tell them about yourself when they ask. If you’re like me, you feel more comfortable letting others talk, but often your transparency will help set the stage so others feel free to share about their own lives.
  • Laugh at yourself. If you’re trying to make others feel at ease, you’re sure to say dumb things sometimes. Take it from the expert. One of my dear friends once said to me, “You’re the smartest blonde I know!” (And I’m not even blonde.)
  • Include the kids in the conversation. Not only will the kids feel special; their parents will love you for it.  

Don’t:

  • Try to answer the question for them. I often catch myself doing this. It goes something like this, “What is your favorite hobby? Swimming? Reading? Cooking?” Don’t feel like you have to give them options . . . just be still and let them figure out how they want to respond.
  • Don't continue probing where they obviously don’t want you to dig. This is hard for people like me who want to go deep quick, but remember—relationships take time. It’s okay to try, but if you meet resistance, back off.

How about you? What “do’s” and “dont’s” have you learned along the way? Please add your insights. Then, check back tomorrow for part two of “Conversation 101.”

Comments

  1. Thanks for this article. I constantly have to remind myself not to interrupt people while they are talking. It is a selfish habit.

    I was just thinking yesterday of doing a little "mini-workshop" with my kids about conversation. Dr. Dobson encourages using a tennis ball to illustrate the "give and take" of conversation. Your tips came at "just the right time". Imagine that! God is good to encourage us in even our smallest efforts!
    posted by Susan McCurdy
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 11:13 am
  2. Don't finish their sentence for them. I find myself doing this all the time. I subconsciously think it is a good way to let them know I'm following them/understanding them. But, it cuts them off and doesn't let them finish the thought they were having. I need to work on this. =)
    posted by Tracy
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 11:18 am
  3. Susan, that is such a clever idea! I hope it really happens . . . Let us know how it goes if you do.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 11:22 am
  4. I so relate, Tracy.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 11:24 am
  5. Something I have learned and am still working on thanks to friends who remind me, is to let children answer questiong posed by other adults. I was in the habit of answering for them when one day a friend repeated the child's name and restated the question. Embarassing for me but very gently done to remind me that my children are capable of conversation too!
    posted by MaLinda Eaton
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 12:49 pm
  6. Thanks, MaLinda. I needed to be reminded of that too. Isn't conversing with children a huge joy and blessing!!! They can be so insightful. I shouldn't "rob" people of that joy by answering for my children. Letting them answer questions, also builds their confidence and ability to communicate.
    posted by Tracy
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 4:20 pm
  7. Hello Paula and sisters in Christ,

    The most helpful thing for me overall (and maybe everyone knows this!) is to pray in the mornings that my speech would be "as the oracles of God" throughout the day -- that I would be a blessing in my speech and "speak that which edifies, ministering grace and life to the hearers" (scriptures from KJV paraphrased, Ephesians and maybe elsewhere). To ask for wisdom when talking to people (even sometimes with a prayer whispered right at the time), so as to be able to really help them, as the Lord knows how. Sometimes, too, I just need to slow down and remember that too many words is not a good thing.

    Also, being teachable is important, as others have mentioned above. I too have had a problem with interrupting, and a gentle rebuke one time from another Christian was pretty effective in helping me to stop that habit of many years (still working on it). Yes, as we become more Christlike within, our conversation skills will improve -- that's also part of it! (Though I know there are still practical tips that can help now.)

    Blessings!
    posted by Leslie S.
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 7:47 pm
  8. This is all so true. I relate to the convictions other posters have expressed as they read the article and replies. I feel it is important to practice this with our family especially after a full day of work inside or outside the home as everyone is coming together. When my children visit I need the same tips to really listen, admit when I lose track, not interrupt, etc.

    Timely, helpful, convicting, and valuable.

    Thank you!
    www.kniteang.blogspot.com
    posted by Denise
    on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 7:56 pm
  9. I've realized that people who are guests in our home aren't as concerned about how clean and tidy it is than we think they are. The more I relax and tell myself it doesn't have to be perfect the better I can focus on our guests and enjoy the time they are with us. We have 4 boys and our home is "lived in". I want people to feel they can sit back and put their feet up when they are in our home.....that they leave feeling they have seen some of God's love.
    posted by Jen
    on Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 3:36 am
  10. My giftedness is in listening. I could listen to others opinions all day as I love to get to know the thoughts and insights that make each person who they are. My struggle is when the ball is thrown back to me, how do I keep the conversation going. I know that it is because of my low self esteem - that who I am is not as important as who you are. I also realize that I may be robbing others of the joy of knowing me, but I am so self conscious of others body language that if my sentence is cut off then this means I am not interesting enough to be listened to. This has been a life time of work for me. So, if you have suggestions for the other side of the ball, I would love to see the posts.
    posted by ann
    on Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 10:28 am
  11. I have had to call the woman after I have left and apologize for monopolizing the conversation. (And when I did let her talk, I spent the time not listening but thinking of what I was going to say next.)

    It was humbling for me. But it also was a way to break myself of a bad habit and it increased the value of our friendship!
    http://www.CamouflageConcierge.com
    posted by Laurie Pant
    on Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 9:12 pm
  12. Dear Ann,

    First, thank you for your honesty. I relate to your struggle. It sounds like it’s beginning with the thoughts in your head, as it does with all of us. Romans 12:2 tells us to be transformed by . . . renewing our mind.

    I’d encourage you to ask God to help you identify the root lies you have/are believing (You’ve already mentioned a huge one—“Who you are is more important than who I am”). Once you’ve identifed these, replace them with the truth of God’s Word (What verses/Truths can you find in God’s Word that tell you that your worth isn’t based on your performance, but on the fact that you’re made in the image of God, that He gave His life to pursue you and rescue you, etc.?) I’d love to hear what verses He gives you!

    Then, remind yourself of these Truths over and over and over when your emotions start to go “south.” It would also be helpful if you could find another woman who knows the Word to walk with you through the process of tearing down this stronghold and replacing it with Truth.

    Just this week I’ve been struggling with feeling rejected by someone. I have had to remind myself over and over that even if people reject me, God’s love is unconditional. He will never love me more or less than He does right now!

    Of course it still hurts, but as I renew my mind with the Truth, I am filled with gratitude and love toward Him.

    I hope this helps. I’m praying for victory for you, Ann, as you apply the Gospel and His Word to this very practical area of life,

    paula
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Friday, July 24, 2009 at 9:48 am
  13. Wow, Laurie. That's so cool to hear how you humbled yourself, and yet it increased the value of your friendship. Thanks for sharing this.
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Friday, July 24, 2009 at 9:50 am
  14. PS: Ann, if you can, check out Nancy today on Seeking Him. It's really applicable to your comment, and it's only about a minute read. Blessings!

    http://www.seekinghim.com/radio/today.php
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Friday, July 24, 2009 at 9:59 am
  15. Thank you for this message. I am in a Bible study group for the first time and it has been such a blessing. I never carried on conversations in the past about Christ because I feel like I know so little compared to the people who have grown up as pastors’ children or have been raised in the church all their lives.

    My Bible knowledge is very limited and it has kept me from joining in conversation and kept me from joining groups and learning more about God. But in God’s graces he has lead me to a very intimate study group whose hearts are truly after our Lord’s. They have made me feel welcome and valued giving me an opportunity to grow in my spiritual endeavors. Now, I worry that I may be dominating conversation. This experience along with some other recent triumphs has gotten me so excited about Jesus, I just can’t keep quiet. I could converse with people about our awesome God all day, everyday!
    herfruitfulhands.blogspot.com
    posted by Kimber Ribble
    on Thursday, August 6, 2009 at 11:17 pm
  16. I'm so happy for you, Kimber! I have no doubt that you are a breath of fresh air to the women in your group. Keep delighting in Jesus and sharing your excitement with others--it's contagious!
    posted by Paula Hendricks
    on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 9:27 am

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