As we focus on marriage this month, I'm going to be brutally honest and share with you some things I've learned the hard way. Probably none of you entered marriage with such a self-centered immature perspective as mine. Hopefully, you won't recognize yourself as I share, but in case there are a few out there who struggle as I did—these posts are for you.
This month I'm going to share with you five ingredients that can kill a marriage:
- Unrealistic Expectations
- The Control Factor
- Vain Imaginations
- Condescension
- Harboring Hurt
I didn't grasp the "big picture" when I entered into my marriage covenant. I was thinking romance, sunset walks holding hands, cuddling together on the couch. Basically I thought marriage was going to be something like a fifty-year date! I had a rude awakening.Reality settles in quickly, and a young bride can end up crushed with disappointment if she enters marriage with unrealistic expectations. Some of mine were:
- Expecting my young husband to instinctively "know" how I was feeling. ("Surely he can read my mind?")
- Expecting "love" to be a natural reaction rather than a fruit of the Spirit that must be chosen and cultivated.
- Thinking he would be as "romantic" as I am. (Hmmm ... I didn't know much about men yet.)
- Expecting him to have my father's depth of wisdom and maturity (at 22 years old!).
- Thinking he would "think like me." (I think more like him now.)
- Thinking he would "be like me." (I'm so glad he's not!)
I don't really have enough blog space to keep going, but I think you get the idea. My point is I had unrealistic expectations about marriage, and they all centered around me. What I wanted. How he made me feel. What he could do for me. Basically I went into our marriage thinking it was all about me, instead of realizing marriage is all about God.
So here's the big picture:
- Marriage is God's plan for displaying the blazing glory and beauty of the gospel.
- The canon of Scripture begins and ends with a wedding ceremony.
- Marriage was His idea for His great purpose.
- Marriage provides a physical picture of the spiritual reality: the love relationship between Christ and His bride, the church (Eph. 5:22–33).
Marriage is a thrilling, fun, joy-filled, exciting adventure and gift from God, but along with this privilege comes the responsibility of showing the world an example of God's covenant with us through our marital union.
What about you—did you understand the "big picture" when you married your man? How are you showing the world the beautiful picture of redemption through your marriage?
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I think it's FINALLY all coming together for me. The first many years of my marriage, I thought things were all about me. Then I started learning what marriage was supposed to be and what love really is - something for me to DO. Then after at least 15 years or so, I started to see how everything changes when you really do concentrate on loving that other person - and how your emotions follow. And now, after 22 years, I've finally started to "get" the importance of marriage to God and for the world to see the picture of redemption. I've learned it through reading, and through Elisabeth Elliot and Nancy Leigh DeMoss - I had been to a lot of marriage classes and sermons at church and I really don't think I ever had it spelled out to me the right way. So now I'm really trying to make sure I pound it all into my head to teach my children. So - THANKS for your ministry!!!
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 7:47 am
it's a constant struggle against the flesh/self putting God first, denying oneself. Lord help us.
thanks for the reminder, i needed it.
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 8:19 am
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 9:32 am
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 9:37 am
I appreciated your post and also the comments by the sisters above! Yes, I too had unrealistic expectations (the source of much hurt and misunderstanding!) when I first married. I am so thankful for the Lord's kindness in revealing to me the "bigger picture". I've just begun to "get it" over the last 5 years or so, I would say (now married 25 yrs). The Lord used our pastor (with some fresh teachings on male/female roles) to help me; also He has greatly used Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Elisabeth Elliot, you and the TW teachers, and this blog... to increase my understanding and enlighten me as to what God's definition and purposes for marriage really are. I'm still very much a work in progress, but can see the Lord's merciful hand working in my life, and can truly say I have such a good marriage, now. Praise the Lord, for His steadfast love endures forever; His mercies are new every morning. BTW, I'm still praying for you, Kim! You've been on my heart!
In His love,
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 10:19 am
It is a constant process to take every thought captive and bring it into obedience to Christ. It started with me coming to realize that God's love for me is bigger than I thought. I can trust in His love and rest, even when things aren't going my way.
I can be sure that God is on top of things and they will turn out best for His glory and for my and my husbands best interest when I let Him do His job and not fear anything frightening.
I know this is only possible by God's grace. It is sufficent for us and His power is perfect in our weakness! It's not so bad to not always get what we want. It is actually good. May we always admit our weaknesses before Him and draw upon His grace today!!! He Loves us!!!
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I have a 12 year old daughter and the Lord has impressed on me that I need to begin teaching her these principles now so that she may grow deeper in her relationship with Jesus and avoid may pitfalls I fell into.
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 12:45 pm
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 2:18 pm
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 2:33 pm
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 3:10 pm
In His Love,
Brenda
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Thank you SO very much! My eyes were "leaking" as I read your response. I see how I get so stuck in making it all about me. I have always struggled with that. I do believe that Christ can meet all of my needs, and that His timing is perfect. I've become lazy, getting caught up in the battle, and the anger, and the "our marriage could be SO much better if only he'd.....", instead of realizing what is really happening as the enemy attacks. I will ask the Lord to help me become much more aware, and begin to pray immediately when the attack happens. God bless you! And all you other women on this post...
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I just returned from the funeral of one of my dearest friends this evening. He and his wife were servants in my church for 39 years. He and his wife have done ministry together so long that we no longer name them separately. It is ALWAYS "Art and JoAnne." They did jail ministry, prayer ministry, worship ministry and on and on. They loved one another with a precious Godly love and extended that to their two sons and to ALL who love the Lord Jesus.
My precious friend, JoAnne, thought that she and her dear husband would minister together into old age. Alas, the LORD had other plans. Now, she faces a life alone. Today as we left the church after the funeral and all the people who came to give testimonies and memorials, after the fellowship meal and the many reunions, I could not help but think that it was a great party! It would be a grand thing if it was just like that--a party. . . and then you could go home to your husband! but she must go home to a home full of only memories. Tomorrow she will wake up alone. It is a sobering reality for all of us. We do not know what tomorrow holds.
Hold your husband. Tell him how he is God's gift to you. Imagine your life without him.
on Monday, August 10, 2009 at 10:49 pm
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 8:51 am
Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your stories and struggles. I look forward to hearing from you as we travel on this journey together this month, considering where our marriages are and God's view on this critical topic.
You all bless my heart!
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 10:43 am
It is difficult to give anything more than general direction not knowing the specifics of your situation, but let me throw out a few thoughts to you:
Women and men exhibit their "spirituality" in different ways. What I mean is, a man will relate to God and practice spiritual disciplines, many times, in ways that are more distinctly "masculine." For example, your husband may not sit for hours reading the Word, but perhaps he will read one short passage and then mull it over in his heart and mind as he goes through the rigors of his work day.
I can't address whether your husband is a believer or not, but when you say you are "not seeing much fruit" don't expect him to respond to spiritual matters in the same way you do. I hope you both are closely connected with a church body that is helping you in your spiritual growth and maturity. It is vitally important to be under the teaching of the Word regularly and to have couples that will come alongside to help you "live life" biblically.
However, you mention that your husband is unwilling to "give something up" that you feel he needs to. If what you are encouraging him to give up is clearly an area of sin, let me share with you a process I recommend for loving confrontation of a husband:
"Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:5,6).
Scripture instructs us to humbly and lovingly confront the sin of a fellow believer - even if that believer is our husband, a brother in Christ (Galatians 6:1,2; Matthew 18:15-18).
1) Seek the Lord first. Spend time in prayer and the Word asking God for His direction and timing before confronting.
2) Be sure your desire to confront stems from the motive of spiritual restoration for your husband - not in order to "fix things" more to your liking.
3) Search your own heart to see if there are areas of sin that need to be confessed before God and perhaps to your husband (Matt. 7:5).
4) Consider writing out your concerns in a letter. Most men do not respond well to emotional pleas, angry confrontations or impassioned exchanges. Putting things in a cordial written form is sometimes helpful in preventing that type of confrontation.
5) Before confronting, release unrealistic expectations. Depend on the Holy Spirit to bring conviction, not your words. Determine that once you've voiced your concerns, you will leave this in the Lord's hands.
6) If your husband remains unrepentant in sin and that sin reaches a level that requires the intervention of spiritual leadership, you will need to follow the process of confrontation as outlined in Matthew 18:15-18.
Let your husband know you are giving him a period of time to consider what you've shared, but if he is unwilling to repent of this sinful behavior, you will appeal to your church leadership for help -- out of love and concern for your husband's spiritual restoration.
7) Do not enable your husband in his sin. Let him know that he is responsible before God for his actions. After sincerely communicating this to him - allow him to reap the consequences of his own sin. No matter how difficult it is for you to watch - don't bail him out.
8) Diligently, specifically, and regularly intercede in prayer for your husband's area of struggle. Do not talk to him about his sin more than you talk to God about it. After you've confronted him, give him time and space to repent while you go to the Lord with your concerns about the issue, rather than your husband.
Lisa, I know this is difficult. We will be praying for you and your marital relationship.
Remember, God is the only one that can bring transformation in our husbands' lives - we can't.
May you know the peace that comes from resting in the promises of Christ - Who will never leave or forsake His own.
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 11:00 am
Thank you for your wise encouragement to Lisa. Good word. And by the way, I love Leslie Ludy's heart! :-)
Blessings to you dear sister!
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 11:40 am
Thank you so much for your wise words....I am going to print out your response and follow through with it. I have tried to calmly speak to my husband about his alcohol abuse, but he does not want to hear it. It is difficult because he has never missed work due to drinking, and he can go days without a drink, but whenever there's a family function, or friends stop by, or it's just the weekend, he drinks quite a bit, sometimes to the point of getting sick. He gets upset with me because I changed, (I drank early in our relationship, but quit even before I became a believer) and he wishes I would go back to what I was, rather than change his behavior. He admitted he didn't want anyone to take his right to drink away from him. I do not enable him...I stopped buying his beer at the grocery store many years ago. It is difficult to be in a family where there is a lot of alcohol consumption, on both sides. It's hard to get away from. We did just join a different church from the one we first were involved with, this one is very Biblical and has many caring people, but my husband is slow to want to develop friendships there...he is usually pulling my arm to leave right after the service, and I love to stay and talk. I am praying that in time there will be a man who will reach out to him. I realized that my husband has not one friend who does not drink. I have not yet addressed this problem to him from the standpoint of it being sin in his life....I honestly don't know if that means anything to him. He does not read the Bible, and he admitted to not praying. He does on occasion listen to radio pastors, and at home I usually have Moody radio on. I feel bad because sometimes he mocks the people that are speaking.
I will keep praying for him, and looking to your reply for guidance.
Thank you a million!
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Thanks everyone.
We sat as a group of ladies and shared what expectations we had when we walked down the aisle to say ,"I do!" The common expectation was that we got married to have someone to love us, provide for us, make us happy... we expected our partners to make us happy!!!
True happiness, we now have found out, cannot be given to us by someone else- when you are at peace with yourself and when you know who you are (in Christ) only then can you be truly happy!!
Thanks sisters!!
With so much love and appreciation to you all from Africa!!
on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 5:58 am
The unrealistic expectations we have for our marriages not only serve as a hinderence but they create a cycle of resentment and bitterness when they are unmet by our spouse. Loving God first and fighting our own internal battles is the only way to break that train of thinking and emotional distress.
Thank you all for companionship on this wonderfully complex journey we call Marriage!
on Friday, August 14, 2009 at 7:56 am
My christian husband of 48 years left our home and is in a relationship with a christian woman. He tells me it was God's will for them to meet; after they marry they plan a ministry together. And, no, he hasn't divorced me. According to their plan it would be "the right thing to do" for me to file. My Lord has said "NO."
God has done such a work in my heart that I have been able to sincerely forgive my spouse & request his forgiveness. He has chosen to withhold that, but that is between him and his God.
Thanks to the peace my Provider gives, as well as wise words from wonderful sisters, every day in every way I'm gettin' better & better!!
on Monday, August 17, 2009 at 4:34 pm
The timing of this entire series is perfect.
Thank you for your ministry to women everywhere.
on Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 9:23 pm
We are thankful God directed you to our website and pray you will find encouragement here in your journey to know and love God more.
I am grieved over your situation and pray that God will provide you with a loving church family as you walk through this difficult season. Sadly, your situation is not unique. My husband and I have counseled many couples who've also verbalized they were "following God's will" as they pursued an unbiblical and selfish course of action.
Thank you for sharing the testimony of God's grace and provision in your life. From what you shared here, it is obvious He is leading you in your decisions and reactions to this situation.
We are thankful for the way God is using this site to bring comfort and truth from His Word as you seek Him for answers. I am praying He will also provide a mature woman or couple who will be a helpful support system for you as you walk through these challenging days.
May God accomplish His great purposes in your life as you look to Him, cling to His truth, and walk humbly before Him.
on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I've been married almost 4 years and I had very unrealistic expencations when we got married. Your list sounds very much like mine! I would add an unrealistic view of sex, probably due to reading too many romance novels in my teen years. :)
on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 6:47 pm
on Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 8:08 am
Your heartache and pain must seem totally unbearable. I am so sorry for your hurt. But I want to assure you, God is aware of every detail and He cares (1 Peter 5:7).
I commend you for contacting your husband and seeking his forgiveness and reconciliation. Your desire to receive biblical counsel from your church is good and I encourage you to continue seeking help within your church family during this difficult trial.
There are times when women have responded biblically and graciously to a difficult marriage situation and still see no improvement; at times even experiencing the disappointment of the situation growing increasingly more difficult.
God designed marriage to be a life-long commitment when He used the terminology "and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5). The idea behind that phrase is a permanent or indissoluble union. I pray that your husband will come to realize God’s view of marriage.
God's character is one of reconciliation. Although you have not initiated nor desire this marital separation, sadly you may be unable to prevent the course your husband is taking. This does not prevent you from waiting on God, interceding in prayer, practicing the tough discipline of patience and using this as an opportunity to trust God to work in your life, as you remain in a state of willingness to reconcile with your husband. From your comment, it sounds as though this is the course of action you are taking, so I commend you for that dear sister.
I pray that God will give you courage, stamina, and fortitude, to continue walking in faithfulness. May His Word bring you refreshment and instruction. I pray that you and your husband will one day experience complete marital reconciliation.
If you've not read Vicki Rose's story, let me recommend that to you. I believe you would find it very encouraging. You can find it in the ROH radio archives starting Monday, February 09, 2009 - Friday, Feb. 13th.
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10135
Lindsay, although things may look very bleak at this point, I've seen God step into the most dire of situations to perform miraculous restoration. Allow Christ to be your place of safety, your rock of refuge, during this painful season. He alone has the power and ability to bring the comfort you so desperately need.
Every situation is different and each has its own painful complexities, but please be assured that God is aware and He cares. He desires to work in your marital relationship. Our team will be interceding for you and your marriage in prayer.
May God's sustaining grace be your constant source of encouragement.
Blessings dear one,
on Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 4:45 pm
Whatever you do, don't push the Lord aside. You had prayed for this marriage and asked of Him if you should go ahead with the marriage. You know, Lindsay, God is going to honor you for doing that.
Don't think for a minute that He is turning a deaf ear to you. Your husband is not in the right; not only is he not able to give you an answer as to why he is making this choice, but he is deceived. Even if he were in the right (let's just say that as a hypothetical, okay?) he certainly is going about it the wrong way. Actually he is being cruel. He's probably right, though, when he says that this isn't about "you,"--it is all about him and whatever he has up his sleeve. Perhaps he has an agenda he's too ashamed to be truthful about. As hurtful as this is, this is something that you're going to have to trust the Lord for. Maybe God is allowing this to happen for YOUR safety, or something else that you cannot see at this time.
Begin your day, and end your day thanking the Lord for all the good things that you experience, and include in that thankfulness for all the things you cannot see. There is nothing that escapes Him. He knows about your situation above what you do. Do you trust Him for that?
I encourage you to fall in love so deeply with Christ through this painful journey. May He fill your hopes and dreams in light of His perfect will. You approached husband with with a sincere apology; I think this is good on your part. It opened communication, but unfortunately his communication in return was eye opening in a way that didn't please you. Be sure, dear Lindsay, to
not get yourself in a position that you turn your face away from the Lord. Not only is He the One who has forgiven us in the greatest way possible, but He is the One Who activates sincere forgiveness even if the other party does not reciprocate in a Godly way. (Truly a picture of Christ offering mankind salvation, and one quenching the Holy Spirit in the matter.)
Please know that you will be prayed for by many, I am sure. I will specifically find a time everyday to remember to pray for you. I work with 14 year olds so that will be a good reminder for me to pray for you and your daughter.
God bless you, Dear One
Micah 6:8 is one of my favorite verses. "He hath showed thee O man what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."
on Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 6:18 pm
You right when you say he has been deceived.....when I spoke to him I looked at a man I didn't know anymore, I look at a man who entire being has been changed, he didn't even look at my husband anymore, the darkness the fake smile, the constant denial from deep within, the speaking from the tips of his tongue, he wasn't that man he says he is now.....I didn't see my God in him, I saw darkness, lies and deceit. For a moment it felt liked I was talking to satan, it was that real to me.
I love my God, Jesus means everything to me, I will never doubt what he can do because I get that courage from my mother who went through a similar situation with my dad. Today my dad is a minister, and when I look back been the eldest child I see how my mother prayed, prayed and prayed until God spoke to my dad.
I will never give up on my husband because I know that what God put together, no man will put apart. I know that my God is a God of His Word, He is the God that never lies, He will complete and accomplish what He set forth in His word.
You have all encouraged me beyond my own imagination. To have encouraged me to the point of no return with this God of mine. I confidently and bodly say today, that I will have a testimony and great one because my God will be exhalted through it all.
Be blessed and yes pray for Neal, myself and my daughter, Drucilla (who has tried to take her own life twice already because of this).
To God be all the glory for everything He is about to do and is currently doing.....
on Friday, April 16, 2010 at 3:22 am
I am praying for you. A little while ago I realized something that was very much in my heart, MARRIAGES. I very much have a heart for couples. Each and every couple in the assembly I fellowship with is SO precious to me (though I do not know each personally). My husband does not follow the Lord right now, so I often smile brightly at the thought of these couples going home and praying together. I know... it causes a pang of pain for me, but much more so: JOY. I've used (by the Grace of God!) the painful part to go around encouraging each marriage as I can, in my mild way.
Like the other day, I witnessed a couple making a decision together, out loud and it was so beautiful to me, I felt I was watching an artist create a lovely full color picture. So I said, it out loud, "How beautiful to watch you two, making that choice, you are such a precious couple, that was a blessing just to see'. And another recent thing I did out of such love for my sister ("Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart FERVENTLY:" 1 Peter 1:22 <emphasis added>), I asked a young wife (two years married) to begin praying protection over her husband's faith. No, there is no outward sign, at all, of his faith failing (quite the opposite in fact), I just realized it while I was thinking of them, the immense importance to pray for one's husband. To ask a guard on this earthly treasure God had given to my dear sister; her husbands resounding faith!
I share these things with you only that you might see, how the Lord can turn pain into such wonderful JOY, it shocks the senses. Isn't it shocking? It's all Him, that’s why I am so full of praise, I keep wondering where the old, soggy, worn out, sad, grouchy, me went to? Yeah, I see her sometimes but hey, I don't give that ol' thing much heed, because of the light of His face shining out each and every day of my life, in the word, with my brethren, in song and in prayer.
I admit, some days there seems just enough light to see the path in front of me... but on those days I remind myself what I truly deserve, and look to the crucifixion of Christ and the JOY (along with a deep repentant heart) once more becomes renewed in me, in my salvation.
And for you dear sister, I thought I'd say, is there anything you could quietly do to encourage your husband? One thing I thought of, was you doing a job search for him and simply putting the results in the hands of a mutual friend! Wouldn't that make you smile? You are his wife dear sister, God will provide creative ways in which you can do so without bringing out his snarls (make sure you pray for those creative, meek, loving ideas!). The book 'the love dare' might give you some neat ideas... see if you could borrow it from somewhere? Your husband doesn't even need to know it's you, doing these little things here and there! God blesses all his children mightily (a book that expresses this beautifully also is 'When life is Hard, by James MacDonald).
I know for a fact that my life has gone the way that it has because I NEEDED to face God on my own, to Truly thirst for the KNOWLEDGE of God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost, so that my love for Him in turn became utterly insatiable! Fact be known, from time to time I feel like I don't need a friend, nor any human because I'm sooooo overcome with desire to KNOW Him. This isn't a good thing though (he wants us to passionately love our brethren (see 1 Peter 1:22 again ;c) ) and dearly love the unsaved, giving us a purpose in life. So, please don't get me wrong. It just made me realize, what I really needed was my marriage to CHRIST to be what it always should have been. I'm HIS bride FIRST, right? So, why didn't I gaze lovingly into his eyes, before? Why didn't I drive like crazy to figure out where he was, or what his likes and dislikes were? Why? Because, I just didn't get it. I needed a rock to hit me on the head so I'd wake up *sighs*.... But He was willing! Praise God for that, I do!! I had to be crushed before I realized the fullness of satisfaction in Christ, not only the fullness but an INSATIABLE desire to please Him and to walk further and further away from, 'What can this person do for me, shouldn't they love me such and such way, do I not have the RIGHT, to this or that' and walk into the crushing of; Okay Father, how can I help? What is needed today?
And for the record, a rock didn't literally hit my head, though some of my friends might enjoy saying so *chuckles*.
I can never know what is next for you in your walk but I can PRAY you will gain or maintian the eyes to see, and ears to hear, and the burning desire in your heart to walk, as you have, with HIS purpose singing out of your very heart, dear one. I think I practically sang along, while you shared your love of Him with us!
"For our God is a consuming fire!" Hebrews 12:29 (emphasis added)
It was a joy for me to read of your deepened faith in Jesus through this trail, the thought of your dear daughter seeing the love you have for Christ GROW from these ashes is more than glorious! It's a thing to rejoice in, I rejoiced for you both.
Our lives are not easy ones as Christians but they are HOPEFUL and filled with the Joy of that hope. Many can spend years under painful circumstances, I myself have spent many years in this way, but seeking his Face, changes every single facet of our earthly lives. Seek and ye shall find. Never give up, hope in Christ, He'll satisfy, trust me.
Peace, love and blessings to you in your walk today and every day forward sister! From : Jenny :c)
"For if our heart condemn us, God is GREATER than our heart, and knoweth all things!!." 1 John 3:20 (emphasis added)
"Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press TOWARD the mark for the prize of the HIGH calling of God in Christ Jesus." 1 Corinthians 2:9 (emphasis added)
PS May I suggest that you and your dear daughter memorize Psalm 103 this month (it might take a while but believe me, it's a thrill!!!)? And maybe afterward 1 Corinthians 13. You're in my prayers!
on Friday, April 16, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Please know that I, too, will be lifting you, your husband, and your dear daughter up before the Lord. I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting so much right now. I do praise God for the deep faith you have in Him, and for how in His mercy He has protected your heart from bitterness and unforgiveness. I pray that you have a few loving, godly friends within your church family to walk this difficult journey with you who can provide loving support and encouragement.
Jer. 32, 17, 27 reads: "Ah, LORD God! It is you who
have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you." (v. 17) "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" (v. 27)
No, dear Lindsay, nothing is too difficult for Him. Hard hearts and hopeless marriages are no obstacles for Him!
I love what Kim wrote to you earlier: "Allow Christ to be your place of safety, your rock of refuge, during this painful season. He alone has the power and ability to bring the comfort you so desperately need."
Amen! So true! "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Ps. 73:25,26)
Rest in God's deep love for you (Eph. 3:17-19; Rom. 8:35-39. Rest in His promise that He will never leave you nor forsake you (Heb. 13:5,6) Rest in His sovereignty, that God is in complete control of your situation, and "works all things according to the counsel of His will." (Eph. 1:11)
Jerry Bridges, in his excellent book, "Trusting God-Even When Life Hurts," writes this about God's sovereignty--"Nothing is so small or trivial as to escape the attention of God's sovereign control; nothing is so great as to be beyond His power to control it. The insignificant sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His will; the mighty Roman Empire cannot crucify Jesus Christ unless that power is given to it by God (see Matt. 10:29; Jn. 19:10,11). And what is true for the sparrow and Jesus is true for you and me. No detail of your life is too insignificant for your heavenly Father's attention; no circumstance is so big that He cannot control it."
God loves you, He has promised to never leave you, and He is in complete control of your situation. Rest in those wonderful truths, dear sister. You are in my prayers.
"My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." (Ps. 63:8)
In Christ's love,
Arlene
on Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 11:46 am
And for you dear sister, I thought I'd say, is there anything you could quietly do to encourage your husband? One thing I thought of, was you doing a job search for him and simply putting the results in the hands of a mutual friend! Wouldn't that make you smile? You are his wife dear sister, God will provide creative ways in which you can do so without bringing out his snarls (make sure you pray for those creative, meek, loving ideas!). The book 'the love dare' might give you some neat ideas... see if you could borrow it from somewhere? Your husband doesn't even need to know it's you, doing these little things here and there! God blesses all his children mightily (a book that expresses this beautifully also is 'When life is Hard, by James MacDonald).
Would this be like been deceitful, I would really like to do this, really I would, but how? without me feeling like I'm deceiving him by doing this in this manner. Knowing him, he would immediately think it is me. He clearly said he doesn't want the counsel and that I shouldn't share what we speak about to others, because he wants to quietly dissolve this marriage.
I could everyone's advise and accepted counsel from a man of God; who said that my husband is been deceitful in the manner he is going about this whole thing and what he is doing is not right to me or in the eyes of God.
I am remaining hopeful,"I am the God of all flesh(my husband & myself), is there anything too difficult for me, saith the Lord" I know there isn't anything too difficult for God. At this moment I have kept myself away from all negativity because I know that I need to remain absolutely and completely positive.
You know sisters in the Lord, I am all the way down here in South Africa, Durban.....I can't even find woman of God down here with the same kind of spirits you sisters inhabit in yourselves. Even pastors wives have been so negative, saying maybe it wasn't meant to be, or it's been so long, go on enjoy yourself, life is too short, they often rood if I had to ever speak to them in the manner we converse with each other, so negative, it's not funny anymore for me. Here the woman of "God" concentrate on dressing, dieting, goint to malls, joining highly ranked men and woman, going to gym, shopping, cars, money and money. It's like a mini-Hollywood scenario.
I am so limited when it comes to counselling.....I thank God everyday for Revive your hearts.....You have empowered me.....
Be Blessed always.....And sisters continue to join me in prayer, because a miracle is at hand.....
Lindsay Francis
on Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 3:02 am
I just became aware of your prayer request and want you to know I will pray for you too, as the Lord brings you to mind. I am sorry for the difficult trial you find yourself in (yet rejoice with you for all the glorious purposes the Lord has, James 1:1-12). May our Heavenly Father comfort, bless and guide you as you take refuge in Him. He is imminently faithful and I have seen Him do many miracles.
Loving blessings to you through our only Lord and Savior, our blessed Lord Jesus Christ,
on Saturday, April 24, 2010 at 1:27 am
I am so sorry. I did read that he was shutting you out but I guess I didn't think it was so completely. Maybe you are right and that would be deceptive to help him that way, maybe not deceptive, but perhaps it could bring anger (which is no good). I sincerely felt your pain when I read what you last wrote. I know what it is like to be completely shut out by loved ones. I made a choice when I was fifteen years old and my entire family shunned me except one uncle and his wife (that includes my mother and grandmother). Everyone other than this uncle was more worried that they may hurt my mothers feelings than, concerned with checking to see if I was alright. I came from a family with many aunts and uncles (twelve to be exact) so it was a painful time for me. Today, I am glad they 'took her side' because she can use their love more than I could (I've got Jesus, what more can I ever need?). My Father-God always took care of me and I came to salvation shortly after this event, so I no longer had as strong a need for the love of my 'blood' relatives. Praise God. I believe he used my abandonment to lead me to salvation, I was desperate for peace and knew Jesus had to be the way.
Our Saviour saves us from many things (namely hell) but one of them that shines for us while we are here is; lonesomeness, fear and despair. With Christ in our hearts nothing is as lonely, fearful nor as filled with despair. :c)He does fill us up when we feel empty, He's watching us and wanting the best for us.
"The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good." Proverbs 15:3
There are many watching over us in heaven.
"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us," Hebrews 12:1
I know he wants what is best for our lives, though we may not be able to see how this could turn out to be for good, it is, we can have faith that His plan will not be thwarted by any evil doer.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 20:11-13
Sister, I know He has beautiful things waiting for you as: 'she shall rejoice in time to come' Proverbs 31:25
I am glad to have you for my sister, because your earnest desire to do right, in the face of this adversity, is inspiring.
My best friend just moved back from South Africa recently and she had told me it took a lot of searching and praying to find a healthy 'church family'. I think for the last two years they drove 2 hours just to get there (to the healthy assembly of saints they had finally found) on the Lord's day. I'm going to call her and ask if she can get me her pastor's phone number, if they are not nearby to you perhaps he could tell you of a ministry near you that has this kind of 'spirit'. Even where I live in Canada, it took me four to six months of hard looking and lot's more praying. It was worth every single effort I made though. I believe fellowship is foundational to a healthy spiritual life. We need to nurture that just like we nurture our own spiritual lives.
For now dear sister, prayer (as you stay in the word) is your best route for help. I thought maybe, since you feel discouraged with your fellowship you might start a ladies prayer group in your home (one night a week or one night per month), or a bible study that uses the listening of the Revive our Hearts program along with a reading of the day's suggested scriptures, with prayer and discussion could be VERY encouraging for you and your sisters there. The thing I find that MOST helps me when I am down, is to search for a way to lift others up. It may sound like it couldn't be true, but I feel more worth when I do His work. Taking the focus away from my pain and needs, is very healing. I don't have to be 'helping' someone from their pain but just helping them in their walk with the Lord.
When you are studying the scriptures on your own I find a helpful website is 'www.biblegateway.com' because it has many translations of the bible there so you can use that to help you understand as you go along.
I do not know my Lord well (but am trying to be diligent about doing so) but I know things like: studying the word, praying, praising him in song and memorizing scriptures are extremely uplifting activities. I do all I can to encourage every Christian I meet to start making all of these things part of their daily walk. I don't list them off like that of course but while we talk I ask things like: What are you reading in your bible today? What thrilled you about it? What is one of your prayer focus's? What are your favorite hymns lately? Are you memorizing anything? And then I share what my walk is like... if they seem interested. A very encouraging thing to fellowship in, is finding a memory partner; Someone who is also memorizing scriptures and you meet once a week or once every two weeks to recite to one another and encourage/cheer them on them to continue, thanking them for their encouragement and praising God for His!
Sister, I know you need Jesus, and you also need fellowship (we all do), these things at least you can apply yourself to with diligence. I would love for your husband's eyes to see again, see the path of destruction he's heading toward. So, I will pray for his walk and pray for a miracle reconciliation. What we can do for sure is: pray. Praise God for His loving kindnesses, that He hears our prayers and answers us in His time, with His way. I wait for my husband to come back to the Lord, you wait for yours to come home. My heart goes out to you.
I am so glad you are able to listen or read at the website of Revive our Hearts, God has changed my life with the ministries I've listened to here, I know he's changing yours too!
"Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name." Psalm 103:1
You know, my three year old daughter is starting to recite scripture with my eight year old son and I (just because she chimed in for fun one day)? How about that for encouraging?
May your days be filled with encouragements where you'd least expect them to show up. May you be blessed as you walk in the light of His ways.
Peace, love and blessings to you Lindsay.
Please forgive me for my poor advise before, I did not mean to discourage you.
on Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 2:22 am
If you are still reading here, I thought I'd let you know that the pastor I mentioned is located in Johannasberg (in that area)... if you're near there at all, let me know and I'll give you his name and the name of the church he's with.
Peace, love and blessings to you and yours.
PS I am still praying for you and your family dear sister.
on Wednesday, May 5, 2010 at 2:05 am
Yes keep praying I believe and I know God will soon restore my husband first to Him, my marriage and our family. He is the greatest God. Amen!
God's riches blessings on you and your family.
And yes I am praying for you and your family as well.....
One in Christ,
Lindsay Francis
on Monday, May 10, 2010 at 6:15 am
I just happened to look on this blog again today, and will keep praying for you. I had not read all the blog posts above about your situation -- today I read a little more -- and will pray for Drucilla, your daughter, too... (and husband Neal). I'm sorry it has been so hard on Drucilla ... May the Lord bless you, Lindsay! And keep you in His love!
Jeremiah 32:27
Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?
Jeremiah 32:17
Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:
In Him,
on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Here is all the information I could get:
Pastor: Tim Cantrell
Antioch Bible Church
office@antioch.org.za
011 792 6347 (this is the church's telephone number but surely you could contact Mr.Cantrel through this line)
The website is:
http://antiochbiblechurch.org.za/Sermons/
I do not know this pastor personally but my best friend enjoyed fellowship with him and the brethren there in the fellowship. Thank you so much for your prayers, how that made me smile. I continue to pray for you and your family.
May God's beautiful mercy, peace and love be multiplied to you in your walk, through these hard times.
"... I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice."
Jonah 2:2
"...our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name. Let thy mercy, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in thee."
Psalm 33:21-22
Leslie S., nice to see you here sister! *hugs*
on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Be blessed.....
Lindsay Francis
on Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 6:33 am
I was happy to see you so happy in your letter on the 18th! Thank you very much for your kind words and for keeping us sisters in prayer. I really can use that 'spiritual growth' prayer so thank you extra much for that. :c)
I've been keeping you often in my prayers (as often as the Lord brings to mind marriages :c)) I've got your name in my prayer journal even. Maybe I said that, I don't remember.
I hope you are finding satisfying fellowship, if not I do hope you've found ways to minister other sisters to nurture their faith along. I'm so glad you have your daughter to share with. I know, though my daughter is only 3, daughters are so very dear as we walk in the flesh, what a beautiful gift from God they are.
You know I was surprized to hear you live where I think an old friend of mine lives? I'm not possitive but I think her and her husband moved there a while ago. They used to live in Johannasberg but I think work took them to your city. :c)
Well, I'd better get back to my little ones.
May his mercy, peace and love be multiplied in you and follow you wherever you go in your walk.
Oh, I wanted to share this verse with you because it's been such a help for me in my walk:
"but none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the Ministry which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God" Acts 20:24
on Friday, May 21, 2010 at 10:55 am
on Saturday, June 26, 2010 at 12:47 am
on Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 12:06 pm
I'm so thankful God used Google to bring you here! Please don't take that lightly. God knows exactly where you are and what you are going through. He cares and He desires to fully capture your heart and bring complete redemption to your life. We will be in contact with you by email to help you further by supplying some helpful resources.
In the meantime, as you seek to know how to work on your marital relationship, I hope you will read my comments above, and the rest of our articles on marriage which can be found on this site.
Also, please check out this radio series:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10601
This series is an interview Nancy DeMoss conducted with me and my husband, sharing the story of how God has worked in our marriage.
Also, you may relate in some ways to our marriage video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-CG47kBN0M
Some women have found it helpful to watch the video or listen to the radio series with their husbands and then talk to their husbands about their desire to work on building a unified marriage.
Cara, the most important thing -- even far greater in significance than your marriage -- is to know Jesus Christ as your Savior. Please go to this link and carefully consider what you hear and read:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/rightwithgod/gospel.php
Please stay in touch. So glad that God led you here!
on Saturday, April 16, 2011 at 12:41 pm