What if I can't have children?

Mindy Kroesche

Mindy Kroesche | 10.21.09


As we talk about children this month, I want to reach out to those of you who haven't been able to have any. Infertility can be a lonely place—I know. I've walkedempty cradle that road, too. I've had my times of sobbing in private after a friend tells me she's expecting. Ranting at God it's unfair that I can't have a child when there are all sorts of people who don't even care about Him who seem to have no problem at all. Those painful Mother's Day church services as I watched all the beaming mothers stand up around me and knew it was a club I was not a member of.

But I'm not writing this post to tell you how painful infertility can be. You already know that. Instead, I want to share some ways to cope and ways God used this suffering in my life to shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be.

Find someone to talk to.
As you see babies, babies, and more babies around you, it's hard to imagine anyone can even relate to what you're going through. Yes, your spouse can. And you should talk with him about it. But I found many times my husband needed a break from all the "why can't we have a baby" talk. Plus, I think another woman better understands how your identity as a woman can feel so tied to the ability to bear children.

But before you seek someone out, I would strongly encourage you to first ask God who it should be. Ask Him to show you someone who is sensitive enough to really listen and mature enough in their faith to help you see Him through your pain and slowly move beyond it.

Eventually, I found some mature Christian friends whom I could talk to amidst my struggle—some of whom had experienced similar things and others who had several children. Something that was extremely helpful was a Bible study/support group I formed with another woman from my church. Getting together with other women in similar situations, sharing our struggles, and studying God's Word with the purpose of spiritual growth was a tremendous time of healing.

Don't neglect time in God's Word.

As you long for a child, it's easy to start to blame God. He's the Creator of life, after all, so why doesn't He create a life within me?

Even if you feel this way, don't stop spending time with Him through reading His Word and prayer. Tell Him how you're feeling. He can take it, and best of all, He understands. Search the Bible for words of comfort (the Psalms is the place where I often went), for wisdom, for understanding, for faith to trust Him.

Different women need to learn different things through their infertility journey. Maybe it's understanding the character of God—that He never changes, that He's good no matter what. Maybe, like me, you need to understand that God's gift of children is not about whether you deserve it or not. That God gives different blessings to different people, and that I wasn't able to enjoy the blessings He had given me because I was too consumed with looking at the blessing of children in other people's lives and thinking, Now why didn't He give me that?

I think Jesus outlines that principle for us in the parable of the workers in Matthew 20:1–16. God does with His favor what He pleases. It's not about who we think deserves it or what we think is fair. As my pastor has said, "The distribution of God's favor depends completely on His sovereign grace and does not conform to human expectations or norms."

Get your focus off yourself.

One pitfall of infertility (and any form of suffering for that matter) that I fell into was focusing on myself and my own pain. All I could think about was my struggle, my hurt, my problem. But God led me out of that narrow viewpoint to remind me every single person here on earth has some sort of pain or suffering they've gone through, are going through, or will go through in the future. In fact, my infertility now seems like a small thing compared to the illnesses, injuries, emotional pain, etc., that others I know have experienced.

By taking my focus off myself, I was also able to see the ways God had blessed me and to be grateful to Him. Eventually, I was also able to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18), even the circumstance of infertility. I wasn't necessarily thankful for my infertility, but I was thankful God was walking beside me through all the ups and downs and for how He changed me in the process. And as I've shared my story with others, I've been thankful for some strengthened family relationships and opportunities to encourage other women who are going through the same struggles.

Surrender your desires to God.
Probably the most important thing you can do in the midst of infertility is to surrender your hopes, your desires, and your future to God. That's easier said than done, I know. I clenched my fingers around wanting to have a child for a very long time. Then one day, I heard a sermon that I knew God meant just for me (at least it seemed that way). The pastor examined the story of Abraham in Genesis 22, when God asked him to sacrifice that long-awaited gift of a son. As the pastor delved into the Scripture, he challenged the congregation to examine our own hearts and identify "our Isaac." What was it that we loved more than anything else? Were we willing to put that on the altar and say, "God, if you want it, you can have it?"

I left that morning in tears, knowing my desire for children was number one in my life—not my relationship with God. I knew that surrendering this desire didn't mean God would automatically cause me to get pregnant (which He didn't) or that the struggle would completely go away (it didn't either). But what I did find was peace—the peace of knowing God was in control of my life no matter what He did or did not bless me with. In fact, I was able to echo the words of David in Psalm 16: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance (vv. 5–6).

Maybe my cup wasn't filled with what I wanted or the boundary lines hadn't fallen exactly as I planned, but they were assigned to me by the Creator of the universe, the most powerful God, the One who loves me and gave His life for me.

Maybe you're struggling with this issue today or maybe you're not. No matter what you're going through, ask yourself: What's your Isaac? What is God asking you to surrender to Him today?

Topics: Relationship with God


  1. Great article! Thank you so much for reaching out to women who struggle with infertility. I went to the True Woman Conference last year and this was my one critic, there was little for women who struggle with inferility. I've been going through this for the past 5 years with two miscarriages. Lordwilling my husband and I will welcome our little miracle into this world sometime in May. God is all-wise and full of mercy!
    posted by Lisa Johnson
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
  2. Thanks for this post. It resonates so much with where I am right now and what God is teaching me. Infertility, resulting in two recent micarriages, along with significant financial hardships are just some of the ways God is opening my eyes to acknowledge all the blessings I do have and take for granted everyday.
    I recognize God is the perfect Father and has my best interest in mind, so even though I am not getting what I desire right now I am trusting that God's plans for me are "for good and not for evil" and therefore have found I can rest secure in my Father's competent hands and have peace during an otherwise trying time.
    Psalm 16:5-6 are a great reminder for me today that He has given me so much more than I deserve.
    The inheritance of the saints, regardless of what blessings we enjoy here on earth, is the only thing of any true and lasting value! I am so blessed!
    posted by Beth
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
  3. For those who have suffered miscarriage and our daughter did, you will one day see that little boy or girl in heaven. This life is so fleeting and even this is a mercy from the Lord. There are tears of joy and SORROW in rearing children.
    posted by Susan
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:40 am
  4. Thank you for these words of encouragement. We tried for 3 years, then finally got pregnant, but I miscarried last December. I have been struggling ever since with trying to not be angry with God, especially as each month passes and I am not pregnant again. Your words were spot on, and I will print this and read it again and again to get these truths integrated into my heart. Thank you.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm
  5. Thank you so much. This was timely. I will have to re-read every time my heart loses focus on God and becomes discouraged. Thank you for your honesty.
    posted by K
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm
  6. Thank you, I needed to hear all of that.
    posted by Ashley
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 3:08 pm
  7. What an insight that resonates to my heart! I have not struggled with infertility, but I know my "Isaac." With each child we've had, "nursing" them has gone terribly awry, and has been my "Isaac." After struggling with the "why's" and emotions of jealousy, envy, and want..... The Lord is healing my heart and giving me the strength to continue on the journey He has for me. And helping me to be joyous amidst it all.
    posted by LeAnn
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 6:02 pm
  8. Thank you so much for this entry. When I read the first entry in this month's series I was really hoping this topic would be covered.
    I've been married three years. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for most of our marriage and haven't been able to. I haven't gone to my doctor to get any exams or anything done, but I'm terribly afraid that he'll tell us we can't have children. I don't think I've been this scared in a long time. I really wish to hear that we can have kids but for some reason I feel like we won't. God's been opening my heart up to the idea of adoption and I think I'm being slowly prepared to hear the news I'd never imagined I'd have to hear, but I still feel so scared.
    I know I rambled, but thank you for listening/reading.
    posted by Lilly
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 7:06 pm
  9. Thank you for this post. I find it applicable also for my situation...single, never married (yet) status. I can so relate to sobbing in private after hearing a friend is engaged or pregnant or after attending bridal and baby showers of friends.

    Your counsel is good for all seasons of life. Like you said, its learning to daily lay down our Isaacs. I hold onto the promise in Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

    Learning to be thankful for the GOOD the Lord has already provided.
    posted by Sandy
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 6:23 am
  10. Thank you. This is helpful for me and touched my heart, in my journey with the Lord through infertility.
    posted by Christiana
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:09 am
  11. I'm glad i stumbled on this article. It served to solidify what I have known for a while: God has His reasons and purposes which must be fulfilled and often that means a negation of what we look at as the grandest fulfillment of womanhood, children. It has been 7 years since I realized that my husband and I were not to have children and the Lord had shut my womb. What I soon realized after that was this: No children is God's will for my life. My niece had gotten into some serious trouble and her mother told her to find a mentor. She called my husband and I. She stayed the w/e and when we dropped her off back at home she said, "Auntie Nancy, If you had kids, I wouldn't have called you for help." Three years later we were on the mission field in Ghana. Children would have made it almost impossible to do what we were called to do. Now, I lead a woman's ministry for those who are suffering from domestic violence and am on call 24/7, not very doable with children (they would be the priority). I am also finishing my PhD which would have been made more challenging with children and their schooling.
    Every time God says "No." It is for a very good reason and we need to submit to His Wisdom even though we may think it painful. It is after all, All for His Glory and His purpose and it is about Him and not us.
    posted by Nancy A. Almodovar
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:25 am
  12. I appreciate the article and I believe what you say is true. Most of the time, those of us struggling with infertility, focus on that, rather than on what we should focus on: God. I do have one problem though, with your article, as I do with most articles, reference material, etc, on infertility. You focus on the woman, as if it is is all the women who can't have children. You focus on those who have miscarried. While I am sorry for them and their struggles, it isn't always the female with the issue. In my situation, my husband is sterile. I CAN have babies, but he can't. So I will never know what being pregnant is like. I won't have a miscarriage, yes, that is a blessing in itself, but I struggle everyday with the loss of children because my husband can't give me any. I find myself feeling guilty over wondering what would happen if I had married someone else, so I'm not just struggling with infertility, I'm struggling with the devil planting these awful, sinful thoughts in my head. It seems that anyone who addresses infertility focuses on the female aspect. What if it is male? What if the female is not struggling with her own inability to conceive, but that of her husband? How does she support her husband through what is a direct assault on his 'manhood'? How does she not struggle with wondering what might have been? Can someone address those questions, please?
    posted by BMS
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:27 am
  13. I am 61 yrs old...and was never able to have a child. I do believe that I had 2 miscarriages, but at that time, you had to be so many weeks pg before you could do a test....just as I was approaching that time, I had severe bleeding and cramping...I was always regular with my periods and they were "easy", so I believe these 2 were miscarriages.

    I married a man with children. I helped him raise his 2 teens and then a precious granddaughter whom I had the privilege of taking care of while her mommie worked. They lived with us for awhile, so I had her 24/7 when I was not on business trips. She now has an energetic son who is in K this year.

    I have also had the privilege to work with children in church in VBS and choir. I sub in the public school system and love being with the children.

    One of my passengers told me one time that she and her husband had fostered a large # of children, and that many still kept in touch. She told me that God makes 2 kinds of trees: Fruit trees and Shade trees, and that she and I are shade trees. That helped me so very much as I struggled to accept my barrenness.

    My husband didn't really want any more children as he already had a girl and a boy. However, after he saw me w/our granddaughter he told me if he had known how good I was w/children we could have tried harder. I struggled with that comment for a long time. I was angry with him. I had to come to God and seek His forgiveness. He showed me that ultimately, He is in control. If God had wanted me to become pg, I would have.

    God does give us the desires of our hearts, but not always in the way we think they should be given. I have great joy in the children He has allowed into my life. I agree with the lady that said that those of us who are barren have opportunities to minister in other ways.

    Thank you for teaching me that my main focus should be on God and not on what I have or don't have. In this season of life, I am surrounded with clutter and am trying to find ways to give things away. As I pray over this, God brings to mind someone who needs what I have, and I am learning to release not only my desires to Him but also my possessions so that I can be free to fill my life with Him.
    posted by Joan
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 9:29 am
  14. BMS, whether it is the female or the male, I think it a couple that is infertile. When we marry, the two become one. I have the same issue, and I look at it as "we" are infertile, not my husband.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
  15. Lisa,
    Thanks for sharing about your struggle with infertility. I want to extend my congratulations on the miracle that you are expecting in May. I pray for the safe arrival of this little one and that God would flood you with peace during this waiting time.

    In Christ,
    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
  16. Lilly,
    I so appreciate your vulnerability in what you shared. I remember feeling the same fear that you describe--what if my doctor says I can’t have children? How can I ever get through that?

    I pray that God would give you peace about that area of your life and help you surrender those desires to Him. And if He is leading you toward adoption, I pray that He will give you and your husband wisdom and direction in that process. My husband and I did adopt a little boy two years ago, and he brings us such joy. I can’t say that adoption completely erases the pain of infertility. But what we had longed for was to parent a child, and God has given us that gift. Plus, we have a new appreciation for God’s grace and mercy.

    In Christ,
    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:35 am
  17. BMS,
    Thank you for your honesty in your comment. My heart goes out to you in your struggle.

    It wasn’t my intent for the article to focus just on those who have miscarried, but for all who have struggled with infertility, particularly as I have never had a miscarriage. My heart hurts for those women I know who have undergone this suffering. It’s not something I can completely understand. But I also know that for those who have never been able to get pregnant, we experience a different kind of grief.

    I also wanted to respond to the male aspect of infertility opposed to the female. Just as our identity as women can sometimes be tied up to the ability to bear children, men also struggle with that, but in a different way. I know some women who have been in the exact situation that you are, and I would say the best thing you can do is pray for your husband. For us women, it helps to find another woman to talk about these things. But men don’t seek out that same kind of help, particularly when it comes to this issue. I know my friend’s husband struggled with feeling like he was less of a man and that he wouldn’t be able to continue his family line. So pray, pray, and pray some more for your husband, that God would help him to see God’s truth in this matter and not Satan’s lies, that God would help him to come to a place of peace and acceptance and surrender this “Isaac” or any others that he’s holding on to.

    One other thing that I would suggest is that when it comes to infertility, it’s important not to think of it as “your husband’s problem” or “my problem.” You are a couple. In fact, Genesis 2:24 says that as husband and wife, you are “one flesh.” You are in this together. Infertility is something that both of you have to deal with.

    Praying for you,
    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:42 am
  18. Thank you for posting this. I do feel so alone sometimes in not being able to have children at this time. I feel like I could have written Lily's note. My husband and I have also been married for 3 years but have been trying for a little over a year. I too am feeling afraid to go to the doctor because I'm scared to hear those words.

    I can relate too to crying everytime I hear someone else is expecting. It's so nice to hear I'm not alone...not that I want anyone else to go through this, but you know what I mean.

    God is so good and I have so many blessings in my life! I love that my husband and I have so much time to ourselves to enjoy each others company. God has blessed us in so many ways! I do know God has planned our life from before the creation of the world and He knows what He's doing. It's just hard to trust at times. But in the end we will see why God has brought us through this difficult time and be able to thank Him for it.

    I'll pray for each person who can relate to this blog and may the Lord bless each of us in His perfect timing w/ perfect gifts that only He can give!
    posted by ME
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm
  19. @Mindy and anon who responded to my comment,
    I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't both of our 'problems'. I never ever tell people "he is infertile", I always make a point to say "we are infertile", but from a private stand point, I struggle to know how to approach the subject and look for answers but mostly those that I find just address the woman's aspect of a "closed womb". And I think to myself, "My womb isn't closed, it's open!" So I guess that my point was that there is a struggle other than that of just the woman, that even though it is "we" that are infertile in a relationship, it isn't ALWAYS the woman struggling with the inability to have a child. The struggle is maybe that she CAN have a child, but is unable to because of circumstances not having to do with her body. And that she has to be the one to reassure her husband when he is the one feeling guilty over not providing.
    Thanks for your responses!
    posted by BMS
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:11 pm
  20. After a lot of crying and praying and holding on to God for dear life, I have to say I feel much better reading everyone's comments today. Even though my husband is an amazing listener, I tend to feel like he can't completely understand what I'm feeling. It feels like only a woman who has gone through the same thing can really understand the fear and sorrow. Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your stories and encouragement. God bless.
    posted by Lilly
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm
  21. Can disclosure of potential fertility problems such as endometriosis or polycystic ovaries make a woman less desirable (or undesirable) as a marriage partner? Knowing about this from the outset would be different to discovering it afterwards.
    posted by Bonnie
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:48 pm
  22. Thank you for this article. A friend of mine sent me this link because she has been praying for me. I've had two miscarriages and we've been to the Dr and know what's wrong but my husband and I can't bring ourselves to try again and I am so stinking scared that I'll miscarry again. Most of my friends can't relate at all because they haven't lost children. I have many friends who have two or three children and I sit here with none. My husband asked me this week if I would still love God if we never had children and I wasn't able to answer him. I can only hope and pray that God gives me the grace that I need to make it each day. Thanks again.
    posted by Ellen
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 4:04 pm
  23. Here is a 2 part devotional and a sermon from a pastor. He and his wife cannot have children. This is a great blessing from the Word of God:



    posted by asimplechristian
    on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm
  24. I cried as I read this post because it really hit home for me. I'm thankful for the honesty. I have felt feelings I didn't want to feel and definitely blame myself for having done something so wrong in God's eyes that He won't bless me with the gift of life. I continuously need these reassurances that He's not making me go through infertility to spite me or that I need to complete x, y, & z for Him before He will allow me to become pregnant. The good news is that I am still seeking Him, even when I'm hurt. I'm trying very hard to build my relationship with Him and take heed of the things He is working to show me. Thank you for writing this.
    posted by Jennifer
    on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 1:38 am
  25. I cried as I read this post because it really hit home for me. I'm thankful for the honesty. I have felt feelings I didn't want to feel and definitely blame myself for having done something so wrong in God's eyes that He won't bless me with the gift of life. I continuously need these reassurances that He's not making me go through infertility to spite me or that I need to complete x, y, & z for Him before He will allow me to become pregnant. The good news is that I am still seeking Him, even when I'm hurt. I'm trying very hard to build my relationship with Him and take heed of the things He is working to show me. Thank you for writing this.
    posted by Jennifer
    on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 11:13 am
  26. Thank you for the encouragement. I know how hard it feels to not have children. I suffered a miscarriage and a hearbreak of a possible adoption of a baby where the mom changed her mind right before delivery. We have sought medical advice and I have been taking some medications but still no pregnancy. I noticed that I am more sad when I focus on my self, but when I focus on God's word, it helps me remember it's not about me but about Him! My husband always reminds me of the verse that says "He does not withold any good thing to those who walk uprightly" I know that if God has chosen not to give us a child at this time, then this is what's good for me. I praise the Lord for He is always good!
    posted by Bernie
    on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:23 pm
  27. Just a quick addition to my comment, the verse I mentioned is from Psalm 84:11: "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
    posted by Bernie
    on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm
  28. Thank you for sharing about struggles with infertility. My "Issac" has been remaining single at 43 and sensing the gates are closing as for having children. I have struggled with this, not knowing what it is to have relations with a man that is holy and in God's will. Unlike Abraham, I have put my Issac down and picked it up numerous times. I have had pity parties and pityfests! I continue to seek His will for my life and take one day at a time.
    true woman blog
    posted by val
    on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm
  29. Thank you for the article.

    My monthly periods stopped in 1998 when I was 20 y.o. and was eventually declared to have secondary ovarian failure, read menopausal at 20! God has been gracious and I got married to a loving man 4 years ago to whom I disclosed my situation in advance. I believe it is important, if you already know you have a problem, to disclose prior to marriage. We were able to talk about options and are in the process of adoption.

    The Lord continues to wipe away our tears and we've submitted ourselves to His will and purpose for our lives. Really that's all that matters: that we serve God's purpose in our generation!
    posted by AT
    on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 12:29 am
  30. Although I didn't get diagnosed before we married, I knew conceiving would be nearly impossible. I talked with my (now) husband about it beforehand--a hard conversation, because I wanted to be prepared in case having children was *that* important to him. It wasn't. "So what you're telling me, then, is that WE may not be able to have children," he said. Yeah, I married a good one. :)

    We've been married for a little over 8 years now, and our home is still childless. It's so very hard, and part of me wants to keep scouring the internet looking for that one article that will contain THE secret to getting me pregnant...all the while knowing that even if my body worked perfectly and I was as fertile as Michelle Duggar, I'd still only get pregnant if God ordained it and allowed it.

    So now, in the meantime, I'm working on selflessness toward the young mothers we serve at church (my husband is a pastor), and in spending time with my mom, whose greatest joy - being grandmother to my brother's kids - results in some horribly insensitive comments. Because I've tried to share some of the grief with her, she thinks she understands. She so does not. So I can second the advice in the post to be careful who you talk to.

    I'd like to get someone's take on this concept, though: Is it wrong to NOT pursue adoption? There are some women around me who think that because I can't get pregnant that it's my duty (with my husband) to adopt. But can we decide to remain a family of two and serve the Lord full-time, and STILL be Godly? Or is it "required" (for lack of a better term) that, as Christians who delight (most of the time) to follow the Lord, we reproduce through children in our home?
    posted by Steph VG
    on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 5:00 pm
  31. I was so thankful for the post today...

    I can relate to what Mindy shared about putting her dream of having a baby above her relationship with God.

    I am a single mom by an unplanned divorce and find myself struggling with the same things many times; looking around at all the other "families" and wishing God would fufill my dreams for a husband and more children.

    God has NOT allowed that to happen and is teaching me this one truth: ONLY HE can satisfy that place in my heart that I would like to fill with "family dreams" God IS and has always been, my source of all things. Nothing will satisfy our hearts like Him! We have to get this!

    So now, I am changing my focus to seek God for that fufillment instead of seeking God for my other desires and dreams. I am looking forward to such freedom and peace!!!

    Thank you for sharing, Mindy....
    posted by Nancy
    on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 5:53 am
  32. Steph VG,
    Are we the same person:)? My husband is a pastor, and we have been married a little over 8 years. We are at the end of our fertility treatments. I have been praying about adoption and feeling the pressure from others.
    I have started a ministry for the discipleship of young women within the past year and a half. We are pouring out into college students and young adults consistently. I know I would not have the extent of this privilege if we had children (even though I really want them).
    A few weeks ago, I came to a point of surrender with God--whatever He has is best--that my reward is not here on this earth--this is not my home. I guess I gave up my Isaac. I have NO idea what He will bring, but I rest in Him.
    The comment earlier about being "shade trees" touched my heart to the core. I wept. That is what God has been using us as--shade. I just wonder if that is our portion in this life or if we must adopt? I still have some grieving to do before the decision is made.
    posted by Jennifer P
    on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 10:42 am
  33. Jennifer P,

    It always amazes me how God can link people together with similar stories. Surrendering this "Isaac" continues to be a daily laying-down for me. God has been teaching me recently that grief and contentment aren't mutually exclusive. In my teaching, I'm KNOW they aren't, but in practice, as the grief grew stronger, I started thinking I was failing God or something, like my tears indicated a heart not at rest. I no longer think that's the case, but I still have a hard time grieving. I wonder if that's why the adoption decision is a hard one to make.

    As I was talking through some of this with my husband last night, he mentioned the promise that the Father will make (is making) all things new. He wondered aloud if this is one of those things God will somehow "make right" for me, at the end of all things. Lines up with what the Father taught you about this not being our home. A thought for me to ponder. I can't remember who said it, but someone has said that what God has ordained for our lives is exactly what we would choose if we knew what He knows.

    "Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.

    "I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'...LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

    "I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

    "Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices...because You will not abandon me... You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."

    (Psalm 16, NIV)
    posted by Steph VG
    on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 11:19 am
  34. I appreciate reading everyone's comments and stories on here. I too am struggling with infertility and a broken heart from a past miscarriage. Infertility can feel so isolating, unnatural, and cruel at times. It's nice to comfort one another and encourage fellow sisters who are in the same situation, because truly, no one really understands if they haven't experienced it.

    Thanks everyone for their comments and perspectives. Very much appreciated. Wish we could all get together for lunch : )
    posted by Diana
    on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 11:08 am
  35. We've just been told we can't have kids. So sad.

    The decision that God doesn't want to give is really hard to live with. I take comfort that his wisdom and love is forever abounding and never faltering.

    Blessed be the name of the Lord... our lives are in his hands.

    We can't stand still and must take short steps forward even if it's with tears.

    Love in Christ,

    posted by Andy Wyatt
    on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 4:35 am
  36. I have 2 children and for 3 years have desired more. We have had one miscarriage 18 months ago. I know I have no real idea how those who have been unable to have any children feel but sometimes I struggle as I stifle my emotions because I feel am not allowed to weep or mourn as I alredy have been immensly blessed (something I no longer take for granted). It is difficult to rejoice with those who rejoice when you just don't feel like it but God's grace is enough in all these circumstances. My sister had a baby just before ours was due, she is pregnant again and as I have been in this season and it amazes how God can work in even the most awkward of situations. My prayers for those who's hurt is greater. x
    posted by Eilidh
    on Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 8:47 am
  37. Great article...only a person struggling with infertility can truely understad what you're going through...but there are those that try to support and help you. There are also those that just don't understand the pain or struggle! But you hit the bulls eyes with this piece....God is in control and we need to give it all to Him.; Put Him first; and let God carry you through the pain. You definitely have to go from self pity and anger to love and gratefulness because all will struggle or have struggled in life. We all have our lot to bare. I too struggle with infertility.
    posted by Tammy
    on Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm
  38. Thanks for your ministry. God has truly called you to minister this to my heart after having gone through for the last, knowing that I will not be able to bear child. You see I just recently had to under a hysterectomy. The doctors told me that it was very necessary for the surgery becuase of the size of the fibroid tumors and the danger they posessed on my life. After many years of being told I still had a 50% chance to bear child, praying and believing God that it would one day happen, finally ended. I gues God's answer to my prayers was no. I'm okay with it because the testimony of my life speaks for itself. I am very grateful to be alive and thank God for the many trials and tribulations that have come my way. It's through the wilderness where I've found my strength to carry on. If you are interested in reading my testimony, stay tuned. Be well and Blessings to you all.

    The Struggle is Over. Thank you Jesus
    posted by The Struggle is Over
    on Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 11:29 pm
  39. I found this while at work. I work for a pediatric practice and see God's little blessings day in and day out. My husband and I have lost 2 babies in the last year. And now I cannot get pregnant. This is a dream that both my husband and I have had and has been very difficult to understand and comprehend. It hit very close to home.. about the hiding and crying (although wailing is more of an appropiate description for me) becuase you have just been told that someone is having a baby. Part of it is utter saddness that I cannot have a baby. the other is for the loss of our babies, some of it is because I am so angry that they were given the blessing and not I. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I have been so consumed that I had all but forgotten that God has his reasons whether I understand or not. I also appreciated the idea of praying for someone to talk to. This is something that I have thought of, but had not done. SO again I thank you for taking time for writting this. I pray that all of the women who left quotes find peace. As much as I pray for peace and acceptance for my own loss. God Bless
    posted by Jenn
    on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 5:11 pm
  40. hi

    i am writing in reference to comments made by BMS.

    BMS - I am in the same position as you. I do not follow this faith but belong to another religion.

    Anyway i too beleive in a God and pray he will heal the sadness that women such as we have. BMS has actaully very honoustly told what she feels. and beleive me, that is what i feel too. We have to accept infertiltiy in a totally different way. Maybe only women who have this experience will undestand how hard and different this is.
    posted by REllen
    on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 4:46 am
  41. I have lost recently lost my baby through miscarriage early on. i cant seem to get pregnant again. i am so angry and bitter i dont even want to go to God. i know this is wrong, but i cant help it. 4 of my good friends are pregnant right now and dancing around with their ultrasound pictures. i cannot tell you how i longed for that first ultrasound. i kept thinking that if i could just see the heartbeat we'd be over the hill. we never got there. i hate these women sometimes. not really, but i hate the reminder. i'm not ok anymore. my husband's not as moved by this as i am. he still says we're young and have many years to try and its not time to worry yet. he doesnt understand what it does to a woman to think she's barren. it literally feels like my soul has died. my arms literally ache to hold and nurse a baby. i have dreams frequently about having a big belly and feeling a baby's kicks inside. my heart is crushed.
    posted by wishing
    on Monday, March 1, 2010 at 11:33 pm
  42. This has been such a comfort to read- My husband and I are not able to have children - so far in our 4 year marriage. It is the single most painful thing we have had to endure. We both feel the loss of not being parents and sometimes I am very angry that we cannot concieve- after tests. surgeries, horomone injections, ect. It is hard not to think Why is God choosing this for us? But then I pray and know being pregnant is not the end in this life...getting to Heaven is. It is hard. No one in my family can understand what we are going through-
    One comment I have for the person who wrote in about her husband being the problem... It doesn't matter if it is Your FAULT or His- you are 2 in one flesh. You have the problem together. We are going to adopt-you can both be parents that way. I heard someone say once.. in families you are born into them- with adoption you were CHOSEN- what an HONOR to be chosen.:) Your baby may not be born in your belly...but is sure was born in your heart.:)
    posted by Hoping
    on Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 3:55 pm
  43. Thanks 'Hoping' for talking about women like me.

    I'm so sorry 'wishing'. I feel your pain of being unable to have a baby. I too sometimes feel angry. I once looked up and shouted 'God. Why me?'. I know God is not angry with women like us. He understands us. I know the feeling we have is not the dirty/mean 'anger'. it is a helpless/innocent anger.
    posted by REllen
    on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:08 am
  44. Please visit my blog

    posted by REllen
    on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:09 am
  45. I am 24 years old and 2 years ago when I was only 22 I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. I was told after the treatment I would not be able to have children so the doctors said that I would have to freeze eggs to be used a later. After a lot of pain and a lot of heart ache the process DIDN'T work! I had chemotheraphy and radiotheraphy for the cancer and am now all clear but can not have children.

    I would love to know how other people can say that this is God's plan! I was only 22 and have had the most precious thing to a woman ripped out of me! I was bearly given enough time to think about having children let alone have them!
    posted by Heartbroken
    on Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 3:57 pm
  46. Dear Heartbroken,

    Thank you for sharing your situation. My heart hurts for you as you’re going through this trial of infertility, not to mention being a cancer survivor at such a young age.

    As for people saying this is God’s plan for you, the only thing I can say is I don’t know what God’s specific plan is for your life in regard to children. That is something only He knows. What I do know is He does have a plan. In Jeremiah 29:11, He says, “For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    While it may seem difficult right now to see much hope when your plans and dreams for the future don’t seem possible, please know that when we put our trust in Jesus Christ, there is always hope—not just in this life but eternally.

    Another thing that I hope will give you some encouragement today is that God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). Throughout my own infertility journey, it was difficult to see how God could do something “more than I asked or imagined,” when what I was asking for was to be pregnant and have a baby. But He did. In our case, one way was allowing us to have a family through the adoption of a wonderful little baby boy. He’s now 2 ½ and the joy of my life. If things had worked out according to my plans and my timetable, I never would have known him let alone had him as my son.

    Not being able to have children is a tough road to walk as a woman. But I would encourage you not to walk it alone. Find another Christian woman whom you can talk with. And most of all, spend time in God’s Word and talk to Him about it. Be honest with Him about your feelings—anger, depression, sadness and anything else you feel. Ask Him to help you trust Him in the situation when you don’t understand what He’s doing. One book that really helped me is called “Water From the Rock: Finding God’s Comfort in the Midst of Infertility” by Becky Garrett, Donna Gibbs, and Phyllis Rabon.

    Praying for you,
    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Wednesday, March 31, 2010 at 10:50 am
    posted by TENEAL
    on Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 3:09 pm
  48. Thank you very much for this article. I really needed to read it today. I haven been married for 10 years with 7 miscarriages, and I am 41 years old. I do believe in God strongly and have faith in Him. I know all the feelings you have talked about and have gone through them and more. I do not believe that I will have children, but I am trying to come to peace with this fact. The problem is actually what other "big" goal in life I can have, this is what I am trying to search for and I know that HE will guide me. May all of the women out there who cannot have children find peace in their hearts.
    posted by Dalia
    on Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 12:47 pm
  49. In the mist of trying to find a support group for a young lady in my church, I ran across your article and thought I would pass it on her. She had a hysterectomy in Feb and will be unable to have children, she feels as though God is punishing her. This couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks so much. May the spirit of the Lord continue to dwell with you.
    posted by Glen
    on Friday, April 23, 2010 at 10:05 am
  50. I'm 35 today!! I wish I was pregnant!! This is so depressing...
    posted by Ellen
    on Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 6:40 am
  51. I'm really scared. I'm sixteen years old and obviously unmarried. I know this isn't exactly the place that I fit in, and maybe I'm not supposed to be here, but I just don't know where else to go! I just need some where to go. I don't know who to talk to. I have severe health issues when it comes to my menstrual cycle. My symptoms are very similar to that of severe endometriosis and I'm afraid that when I get married, I won't be able to have children. I'm really embarrassed and humiliated by my problems. I have been hiding my symptoms, but recently it has become so serious that I have been forced to tell my mother. She called the doctor and I have an appointment very soon. I have a fearful feeling in my heart that being without child is God's plan for my life. I know that I am young but this is very real to me. I have dream of becoming a mother since I was very little, much like you women, and I feel like its possible it may never come true! I'm having a hard time coping with the idea and lately have been denying it any possibility at times. I just feel desperate. I'm afraid of what's going on...
    posted by Beth
    on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm
  52. Beth,
    I’m so glad that you commented on this post and am honored that you would share your fears and struggles with us on the blog. You are a young woman who’s seeking after God—so of course you belong here!

    First, I want to say that I’m very glad you told your mother and that she is having you go see a doctor. It’s important that you get medical help. Whether you have endometriosis or not, your doctor can provide treatment that can help your symptoms. It’s also important that you get treated now, as health problems that are not taken care of can actually make fertility problems worse.

    I also want to tell you that even if you have endometriosis, that does not necessarily mean you can’t have children. Yes, it is often a cause for infertility, but not always. In fact, I have a friend with a severe case who is pregnant with her fourth child.

    I can relate to your fears that you won’t be able to have children. I struggled with that, too. I was so afraid that I would never realize my dream of being a mother and refused to surrender that desire to God for a long time. But over time, God showed me that even if that dream didn’t come true, I could still trust Him and that He had good things planed for my life—“plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Another verse that helped me when the idea of a future with no children made me feel claustrophobic and that I would be alone forever is Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

    When I surrendered my fears to the Lord, He gave me peace whether I ever became a mother or not. He did fulfill that dream—first through adoption and then through a surprise pregnancy—but even if He hadn’t, I knew it would be OK.

    I don’t know what God has planned for you, Beth, but I pray that He would help you surrender your fears to Him. I hope that you can talk to your mom about these things. I would also encourage you to seek out another godly woman you could talk to—maybe your youth pastor’s wife or another older woman in your church. I would also encourage you to look up verses that talk about the character of God. A good place to start might be Isaiah 40-41, the Psalms, and the book of John. As you learn about who God is and that He never changes and can be trusted, I pray that you will find peace and rest.

    May God bless you,
    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 10:18 pm
  53. Thank you all for sharing, God really does work in mysterious ways. My entire I've struggled with my faith, having been raised in a non-religious family, never been baptized, yet time and time again it's there right in front of me, as if God is trying to share something with me. I even once sat next to a pastor on a plane who spent the entire flight sharing his life and his journey with God. Yet I've not really accepted faith, don't get me wrong I believe in God but I haven't talked to him in awhile nor do I go to church. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a year now and I've just begun all the medical investigations to see if anything is wrong and I completely share the fears, the question of why me and the tears. Finding this article and the comments are so timely as I've been longing for someone who understands, someone to talk to. In addition to this struggle to conceive, I can't help but feel there's a bigger reason for all of this, why this happening, why I am going through this challenge, finding this web site, maybe it's another one of God's attempts to share with me? Maybe that's the path I need to follow? I think I will go to church for the first time this Sunday. I also plan to pray for strength and courage to overcome whatever my future may hold and thank God for my husband who is always there for me. Thank you everyone for sharing.
    posted by Robyn
    on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 9:59 pm
  54. hi my name is markitta an i like to now if i can have kids i am 27 year old an have not one child. the man i was with for five years he have a baby but i now that i have to what on Jesus an he will tell me it's my time but i am almost 30 in two more years what should i do
    posted by markitta
    on Friday, October 8, 2010 at 9:19 pm
  55. I am honestly sick of hearing that our infertility is what God desires for us. My biggest fear from the time I was a little girl was never having children-the same for my husband. I always felt I was given a passion for being a mother and having my own children to love, teach, and support. I, personally, didn't get much of any of that growing up.

    I've heard the cliches over and over: God will never give you more than you can handle; God has a plan for everyone...etc. I don't buy any of it really. God also tells us in the Bible that if we earnestly follow him, we will not be barren. That he will restore the barren woman's womb. Man is told to "Be fruitful and increase in number" and to "fill the earth." So, how is one ever supposed to feel as if they're being shown God's favor when they cannot even follow the commands he gives? You can't pick and choose what you want to believe and not believe in the Bible. There are many specific instances where fertility or a lack of fertility are directly related to what people did or didn't do.

    I'm tired of being told that I'm blessed despite my infertility. I've recently reached my breaking point. My husband works 70 hours a week right now, and I rarely see him. We have been alienated from our families and don't have time for friends...we can't even go to church because we have to work. We get up every morning and just have to go through motions with no apparent end in sight to this mundane life we're stuck in. There have been times recently where I've not been able to buy groceries or pay our utilities and have had to simply do without. My husband has even had multiple job opportunities at his fingertips that could completely change our lives, but the doors to those opportunities seem to close very suddenly and strangely every time we get close. We both have thousands to repay in student loans, and are out of options for what to do.

    Many of you will judge and say that we lack in spirituality. We've prayed in earnest for guidance and peace. We've sought God, but haven't found Him. We all know the story of Job. He was put through the worst of the worst. He was one of the most upstanding men of God-mature in his faith and upright. He prayed and prayed and the relief he prayed for wouldn't come because he was being made an example of. I'm sorry, but I've never been as mature in my faith as Job. I've tried to grow and mature, but have always known I am still far, far away from where Job was when he was tested. How is someone supposed to make it through such a trial when they aren't adequately equipped? I'm sorry, but it is unfair. If I were destined not to have children, God could have wired me differently. I've always believed my passion to become a mother and have children with my husband was from God. So now, I get to look forward to spending months at a time alone while my husband gets deployed-since going back to the military is his only option now. Not a very bright future.
    posted by Laura
    on Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 12:40 pm
  56. Dear Markitta,

    We’re so glad the Lord led you to this page. I’m sorry the Lord has not yet given you a child, Markitta. I know that is difficult when you are longing to be a mommy.

    But you are right; the most important thing right now is where you are in your relationship with Jesus. I wonder if you have come to a point, where you’ve placed your trust in Jesus and His shed blood as the only way for you to enter into a relationship with God. (John 20:31). This is the only way to experience His peace and direction in your life, Markitta.

    Please take time to read more about this important relationship at: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/rightwithgod/gospel.php

    I'm praying for you, Markitta and would love to talk more about this with you. Let me know what you think.
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 11:53 am
  57. Oh, Laura…

    You are indeed in difficult and painful circumstances. My heart goes out to you. You are facing so many situations that are trying and seem hopeless. I know you don’t want to hear more clichés, and I don’t blame you…but this I want you to know. God does love you and cares about you and we do too.

    Your life is hard…I certainly don’t understand why He has not answered and given you and your husband children, and particularly His peace and direction. The only thing you can do is accept by faith that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do.

    In the midst of these trials, I would encourage you to take a baby step of faith. Would you consider bowing before the Heavenly Father and pray that He would work in such a way that you will see His hand in your life? Take 1 week and pray the following Scriptures to the Lord each morning. See if He doesn’t work and soften your heart and heartache in the midst of so much pain and trouble. He is all you have, Laura. I pray you will not close yourself off from His grace and mercy.

    Pray these excerpts from Psalm 86:1-17--

    Incline Thine ear, O LORD, and answer me;
    O Thou my God, save Thy servant who trusts in Thee. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to Thee I cry all day long. Make glad the soul of Thy servant,
    for to Thee, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

    Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer; and give heed to the voice of my supplications! In the day of my trouble I shall call upon Thee, for Thou wilt answer me.

    There is no one like Thee among the gods, O Lord;
    nor are there any works like Thine. For Thou art great and doest wondrous deeds;Thou alone art God.

    I will give thanks to Thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. For Thy lovingkindness toward me is great.

    But Thou, O Lord, art a God merciful and gracious…abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me;oh grant Thy strength to Thy servant.

    Show me a sign for good…because Thou, O LORD, hast helped me and comforted me.

    Blessings to you. We appreciate your sharing your comments, Laura.
    posted by Sarah Krause, Revive Our Hearts
    on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 11:59 pm
  58. Laura- you sweet sweet person- I had reached the point in life where i don't cry any more, having been thru too much- but i wept when I read your post- I'm 56 years old and have just gone thru my 10th displacement- as a college grad, with a prof selling job and 32 yrs experience, it was still hard to be displaced again- like a beating (I've had some, been molested @ 14 and raped, had a drug habbit and an eptoptic pregnancy that ruptured and 3 abortions, raised 3 stepchildren and had my 3rd husband - the love of my life drop dead w/ a heart attack in front of my eyes alone way out in the country, his adult children brought the police to put me out of the house and now my 4th husband has cancer) you never get used to it- but what you can do is hang on and do something for someone else- it doesn't have to cost you anything- perhaps some time-because there is someone who NEEDS YOU! You are special and never forget it! i have taken on many battles to help people- writing grant proposals for our Native American church- we love Jesus!- and helping vets file for their benefits- i helped my 53 yr old nephew get his medical parole to come home from prison to die at home - had to call the governor's office for that- today they just removed his life support- but he came home. I just know that if your husband goes into the service, there is something that God wants you to do with your time -that only you can do. I always wanted children, but the abotrtions were forced on me -i was shy and subserviant- no more- now i am a force to be reckoned with and stronger in my spirit because of all the hardships- God will never leave you- when i lost my husband and did not know where I would live and had to face these adult children (one of whom had shot his father) I slept alone in the back woods of Oklahoma with a loaded 38 special and a Bible beside my bed and did alot of "fear not"- on the 1 yr anniversary of my husband's death i took my Bible and went to his gravesite and just opened it and began to read- i read Psalm 113- and 2 months later i was given a house-long story- but I would encourage you to not give up-perservere! God loves you sooooooo much- trust me, you are special and he hears you- it may not seem like it, but it's true!!!!!!! I'll pray for you!!! Terry
    posted by Terry Chuculate
    on Monday, October 25, 2010 at 7:24 pm
  59. I'm sorry but I have to tell you that this is VERY unfair. very unfair. Why is it that some people have children and I cant. most of the people in this site cant. WHY?

    i think this is nothing but bad luck. thats my opinion. very bad luck.
    posted by Ellen
    on Monday, November 22, 2010 at 7:24 am
  60. Dear Ellen,
    My heart goes out to you and all those who suffer the anguish of infertility. I’m truly sorry for the pain you and your husband have known on this journey. I agree, from a human perspective it seems very unfair that those longing to conceive would be unable to do so.

    I wish I could relieve your heart ache by answering your question of “ why”; I cannot. But based upon the Word of God, I can assure you that your life and circumstances are in the hands of a loving, sovereign, compassionate God whose ways are so much higher than our own ( Isaiah 55:9, 46:9-11). He is the God who sees every tear that falls (Ps. 56:8) and carries us through the darkest of trials In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9NLT). He is also the God who opens and closes the womb (Gen. 20:17-18; Gen. 30:22) and the God who can be trusted with our future (Jer. 29:11).

    Scripture records several instances of those who struggled with infertility including Sarah, Hannah, Rachel and Elizabeth.

    Elizabeth’s story (Luke 1) especially intrigues me. She and her husband had longed and prayed for a child for years. Yet even in their old age Elizabeth remained barren…until the proper time. You see, Ellen, they were simply praying for a baby, but God intended to entrust them with the one who would become the forerunner of Jesus Christ. God’s plans far exceeded what they could ever have imagined or dreamed – their son, John, would be the one to prepare the hearts of the people for the coming Messiah.

    God’s ways are not our ways, Ellen, and though I surely do not presume to know what the Lord has in mind for you and your husband, I can assure you of this – if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ your prayers are being heard and answered ( Luke 1:13; Psalm 139:4) and He is working all things together for your good and HIs glory ( Rom. 8:28). You can rest knowing that, dear friend.

    Praying for you tonight ~
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, November 24, 2010 at 6:03 pm
  61. I have endometrious and the doctor said that i have 2 choices. 1 was get some sort of shot to make my stuff stop working and send me through early menapas or whatever or get on the depo shot cause everytime i have a period it is only going to get worse, They burnt most of it of but it didnt work like it shouldve. I wanna have kids really bad like thats all i want in life nothing else matters, i dont care if i become rich or not. Anyways my point is what should I do? Please tell me what i should do. You can email me at samantha_felts2010@yahoo.com or look me up on facebook.. Thank you and GOD BLESS..
    posted by Samantha
    on Thursday, December 23, 2010 at 2:51 am
  62. This article was very meaningful to me, as I'm going through infertility, too. My condition, though, has not been diagnosed. It's possible it could be a male factor, but my husband and I are cautious about getting any further medical help. He has a physical disability and already struggles enough trying to find a job and feel like a provider, and I don't want to put an even more undue burden on him (finding out he couldn't father a child would really hurt him). In any case, it's an OUR problem, not a "his" or "her" problem.

    We have heard many of these things before--surrender your desires to God, etc. To be honest, I could really use advice as to how to truly surrender to God. I've tried praying. I've prayed and asked God to take away my desires if I'm not meant to become a mother, but the desires are still there. Also, I've been going through "the crucible," as my husband put it. I've had the misfortune of knowing 8 or 9 women now who are pregnant, including my own sister, and some of them can't even care for the children they already have. Seeing that is very difficult. I'm hoping to read some books about where to find God in the hard times as a New Year's Resolution, because these are definitely the hardest times of our lives. All of the innocence is gone, your faith is broken, and your dreams of a large family are shattered.

    We are approved to adopt, which of itself was a huge miracle. But so far, no birthparents have wanted to choose us. We are very discouraged along that avenue, too, because it could take years and years for that to happen, if at all.

    I'm wondering if God will ever change my heart and take away my desires to be a mother if we aren't meant to have children. It really eats away at me, day after day, and is hard for me to cope with infertility right now (especially during the holiday season).
    posted by Christina
    on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm
  63. Wow. This truly touched my heart. My husband and I have been trying for close to a year now. Im still praying for Gods will. I know that one way or another I will still Love him. Its hard not to be selfish and to want only our desires. But I know in my heart God desires much more for me than I could ever imagine. His will is perfect and I pray for understanding.
    posted by Amanda
    on Saturday, January 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm
  64. Hello, I have a dear friend who can not have children. She was with child twice and lost them each time. As she till struggles with this I am compelled to search some form of peace for her. Such a beautiful woman and so loving. She would be the ideal mother in my opinion. If there is anyone with ideas on how to get her involved with a group or some form of online organization I would be very grateful.
    posted by Veronica
    on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 2:49 pm
  65. 28th April 2011

    My name is Melissa and I live in Sydney, Australia. I came across your website and article by accident, so I thought, The Lord must have had other plan though. Every single thing you put in that article is absolutely spot on for me. Where you mention about being in church on mothers days when all I want to do is hide under the chair. My husband and I tried for a child for about 10 - 12 months then as a last resort we did the IVF "twice", although at both times I didn't even get to the stage of having any eggs retrieved as my ovaries had not and rejected the series of injections to stimulate my ovaries to grow 1 or 2 eggs. The end result was they were to small and would not of been able to be viable. Yes! I can agree that I have said its not fair and why not me, yesterday I had a friend email me with her news that she and her husband are expecting and she is 9 weeks. Thats probably why I have been upset this morning and still do not feel the best. I know of what you said is totally true but I do not understand why the Lord has chosen me to miss out, to not bless with a little bubba. I see woman and theres a bump and heres a bump. What about bump song goes on in thy head. I am so upset at and with the Lord, I feel that HE has not chosen me for motherhood for reasons that HE is not saying etc. I note that you said to meditate and think about whatever else the Lord may have for me to do and be. YES! I was created to do and be for the Lord, whatever that may be. I am so glad that someone out there can agree that being childless is a bit traumatising. I hope someone out there can resemble with at least some of what I have put. I look forward to any replies. The Lord bless you all, from: MELISSA (DOWN UNDER).
    posted by Melissa
    on Thursday, April 28, 2011 at 12:56 am
  66. I stumbled upon your article/blog today, and I'm so moved that it has touched a nerve with so many readers. This was written 2 years ago. Amazing.

    My husband and I have struggled with this and it is painful. I have never been pregnant. My family doesn't understand and my sister is the most insensitive of all. She actually told me to do something else with my life. She has been blessed to me a mother. That was the cruelest thing someone who claimed to love me could say.

    Like many of you I believe the desire to be a mom and to have children was placed in my heart by God. He created me after all. I truly believe this because there are some women who never had a desire to have any children and they will tell you that they would have been terrible mothers.

    My hurt aches and tears rolled down my face as I read these entries. Unfortunately for me, this has infertility problem has weakened my faith in God. I've done everything right, I played by the rules, treated everyone well, honored God and my parents, never got into trouble, and met all my goals in life except this one. I still believe in God, but my faith in Him unravels more each day. A friend told me a long time ago that God plays favorites. I understand that now.

    I feel like I'm less of a woman, and I have difficulty relating to former friends who are in different stages of life with their families. As a best friend told me once, she said we have nothing in common anymore because she has children and I don't and it hurt.

    I feel like society frowns on us especially for experiencing such sorrow for this. It seems like we are forbidden from expressing our pain and that we must carry our grief alone. It's a private pain I bear alone. Even my husband ignores me.
    posted by Aurena
    on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm
  67. Melissa,
    Thanks for your comment. It’s so good to hear from a sister in Christ in a different part of the world. What you said just reminds me that it doesn’t matter what nationality we are or where we live; we still experience many of the same struggles.

    May God bless you as you seek to discover what He has for you. I’ll be praying for you this Mother’s Day and hope you experience His peace and comfort.

    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm
  68. Dear Aurena,
    Thank you for sharing your struggle and the sorrow you’re going through. I am so sorry for your pain. Although I would never say I understand exactly what you’re feeling, I can relate to many of the thoughts you expressed here.

    I’m also sorry that you have had painful things said to you by those close to you. Unfortunately, many people don’t understand the pain of infertility and have a hard time relating. It is as you said—the grief is something that often goes unrecognized by society around us.

    However, you are not alone. I hope you have seen this by the responses on this blog. I know that doesn’t necessarily help in the here and now, though, when you long to actually speak to someone who understands what you’re going through.

    If you don’t know of anyone like that, then I would encourage you to check out a ministry called Stepping Stones, which offers support to those facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can check out their site here: http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/ABABCF75B84C6F0E85256D630065D9B4. It has a list of infertility support groups located in various parts of the U.S., plus an online forum where you can interact with others who understand.

    But I would also strongly encourage you not to give up on God. He loves you so much and His heart hurts at the pain you’re feeling. I don’t understand why He hasn’t given you a baby or why He’s allowing you to experience this trial, but I do know He hasn’t forsaken you.

    You said that you now understand that God plays favorites. Yes, God does bless some people with some things and others with different things. He also allows each of us to experience different trials. But that doesn’t make Him any less of a good and loving Father.

    I would encourage you to spend some time reading the book of Job. Job was truly a man who was “blameless and upright” (Job 1:1). He did everything right and met all of his goals in life, yet everything was taken away from him. Yet that didn’t mean that God loved Job any less. God just allowed these things to happen in Job’s life.

    Two of Job’s statements have become very special to me in the midst of infertility and any other trials and struggles I have gone through: "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (1:21) and "Though he [God] slay me, I will hope in him” (13:15). Although I don’t understand why God allowed me to experience infertility and the suffering that goes with it, He is still God, in control, and I can still trust and hope in Him. In fact, I can praise Him for the grace and mercy He shows me in the midst of the pain.

    I don’t mean to try and make it sound like all you have to do is trust God and poof your pain is gone. Life doesn’t work that way. But the reality is that because of sin in this world, there is suffering and pain. No one is exempt. But we can choose to trust God in the midst of that and surrender our expectations, hopes, and pain to Him. It’s a moment-by-moment kind of choice, but it’s one that does bring peace.

    I’ll be praying for you in this struggle.

    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm
  69. We have been trying to have a baby for 3 years now! I am heart broken and crazy to say the least about this, I feel like I dont fit with the christian view of women, I am passionate about Gods word and I cant keep silent, its not in my spirit to keep quiet.Why would God make me unable to be a mother and why would he give me a desire to lead and be a leader if IM NOT ALLOWED=( I feel like I am going to explode....
    posted by Sean
    on Friday, May 6, 2011 at 2:23 am
  70. Hi my name is kim im 24 and just been told i never be able to have a baby. All i have ever whated is to have a family of my own to have a little baby boy niw im tokd i will never have that. It makes me ao made that i see girls if 16 having babies and noy looking after them. Im a good person who work hard and im in a very loving relationship looking at getting married. I have never done drugs and i dont drink i eat healthy and yet god has taken away from me my wish to me a mother how is that fair when there are drugies out there with 5/6 kids who never work and kids grow up to be into drugs and dont give anything back to the community.
    posted by kim
    on Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm
  71. Dear Kim,

    I can only imagine the depth of disappointment and heartache you are experiencing Kim; I’m so very sorry. Please know you are being prayed for today. “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2)”

    Though there are no easy answers to the questions you have asked, Kim, you can be assured that the Lord knows the pain that you are experiencing and is intimately concerned for you. “In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9).” He longs to meet the deepest needs of your heart and to offer the comfort and healing that can only come from a personal relationship with Him. “Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him…you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. (Is. 30:18-19).”

    Many of the writers of Scripture asked questions similar to yours as they observed the “unfairness” of the ungodly prospering (Jeremiah 12:1). The writer of Psalm 73 said, “When I pondered to understand this (the injustice he observed), it was troublesome in my sight until I came into the sanctuary of God.”

    Only when we entrust ourselves and the circumstances of our lives into the hand of our loving and compassionate God can we know the assurance and peace that comes from knowing He is in control of all things. His love for us is beyond our comprehension and His plans for those who love Him exceed anything we could ever imagine (1 Corinthians 2:9).

    I certainly don’t have all the answers, Kim, but I would count it a privilege to pray with you if you’d like to contact me by phone. You may do so through Revive Our Hearts at 1-800-569-5959.

    I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you, Do not be afraid… I myself will help you, declares the LORD ( Is. 41:13-14).

    God bless you, Kim.
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm
  72. Reading this blog has struck a chord with me. My experience is quite a bit different than the others here: My husband died of a massive heart attack at age 48, in August 2010. We didn't have children, but not specifically due to infertility; I wanted children, and have since I was in my 20's, but he didn't and was adamant about it. I set my desire for kids aside to marry him and be with him - I felt I had to choose between companionship and family because I was in my late 30's when we got engaged. I chose companionship over children - and now I'm 45 and have neither.

    The part that , for me, is more painful than losing my husband is that now, the desire for children that I suppressed for years has resurfaced in a HUGE way. Yes, at age 45, I'm widowed and alone...and grieving for the family I gave up while I grieve the loss of my spouse.

    I actually find myself questioning practically every choice I ever made in life. Why did I marry the man I did? Why wasn't I more vocal about my desire to be a mother? Why didn't God lead me, earlier in life, to a different husband eager for a family? Why would my desire to be a mother resurface in my grief, especially at an age when it's highly unlikely I could give birth? I feel very alone, in that I don't know anyone else who's ever been in my situation, i.e. had the desire to children resurface and strengthen in the face of a spouse's death.

    Some would say that maybe my calling is to be a foster parent, or to go into children's ministry. But I don't feel led to do either...I'm holding out a small shred of hope that eventually God will somehow make me a mother to a child of my very own. Not to discount my husband's memory, but I hope to remarry and, yes, even try to have a miracle baby at my age...but I don't see remarriage as a given, and a natural pregnancy would be all but impossible. I know that with God all things are possible, but then again, I have to be realistic. So, the path I'm going down now seems to lead to single-parent adoption, which will be difficult and expensive. It's also heartbreaking, because when I was younger, I hoped to bring children into a loving two-parent family. I also wanted my own lineage to be passed on...and truthfully, still do.

    I suppose the question that's on my mind is this: Why would God renew the desire, or perhaps even calling, to motherhood so late in my life - when it will require so much more thought, planning, and financial resources - rather than simply allowing me, much earlier in life, to marry a man eager for children and have a baby (or babies) - as I once naively thought would just happen in the natural course of life? Why now, when the path to motherhood has so many more hurdles, and likely won't involve children that are genetically mine, as I originally longed for?
    posted by Martha Hankins
    on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 2:04 am
  73. Martha…

    You do indeed have a difficult set of circumstances to work through—grieving the loss of your husband and grieving the absence of children at the same time. My heart goes out to you as I read your post.

    There are many things we could deal with from your post, but I’m not sure it would help you now. If we could sit face-to-face and talk through these things, perhaps God would give us words to say to bring some resolution to them. But, as we all know, we are not able to fix the past or change it, or even make decisions that reshape the past. Healing and freedom from the pain will come from trusting God—trusting the past into His hands, and looking toward the future with a deepening love relationship with Him—and a commitment to follow Him.

    When you ask why would God “renew” the desire to have children at this time, perhaps one consideration would be that He is not “renewing”, but that you are now dealing with suppressing the desire for children over these years. In dealing with it and bringing it before the Lord, may you find peace and grace and freedom from the hurt and disappointment.

    I would encourage you, Martha, to take some time (extended time) before the Lord and pour your heart out to Him. (Ps. 62:8) Tell Him all of your disappointments of the past. Take responsibility for any ways you may have thwarted His hand by your decisions, and ask Him to bring grace to bear so that you can release the past. Tell Him how you wish life had turned out for you and what your dreams were.

    Then, make sure you take the time to sit and listen after you have poured your heart out to Him. Give Him opportunity to speak back to you and impart His wisdom to you and minister grace to you.

    Pray the Scriptures to Him, (Psalm 68:5; 146:9; Prov. 15:25; Isaiah 54:5) asking Him to indeed be a husband to you and guide you with grace and truth. Lay down your “dreams and desires” and allow Him to use your sufferings to prepare an eternal weight of glory for you (2 Cor. 4:16-18). Let Him birth any new dreams and desires in you. In humility, surrender your heart to Him and seek His glory not your own desires.

    Yours is not an easy road to walk in these days, Martha. I am so sorry. Be assured we care and we consider it a privilege to pray for you, and seek the Lord on your behalf that He will walk closely with you in these days as you call on Him: And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10

    God bless you, Martha.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Friday, June 3, 2011 at 11:19 am
  74. I'm so glad I read this. I just wanted to take this time to explain my background. I had been sexually active since I was 15. I did meet a very nice guy at 17 but due to my incredible sexually past I ended it with him a year later. I had unprotected sex the whole time we were together and never got pregnant, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be able to have children but at 17-18 you really don't worry about that since I wasn't looking to get pregnant. I had a one night stand and got pregnant the first night. He was married and I was not looking to have a baby so to my regret I had an abortion. Years later I had came to Christ and had a totally transformation. Thank you Jesus! I met my husband and He had a vasectomy. which was fine with me because I felt I didn't deserve children for my past. We felt God was calling us to have a reversal and years of praying and saving we finally were able to do it. Of course we thought since we were still young we would get pregnant right about well one month turned to one year one year is now three and still nothing. But recently I realize and you article confirmed my life was based on having children. It took me along time to allow Gods forgiveness to really mean He HAS REALLY FORGIVEN ME and that i'm not being punished but that your right he absolultely has a plan for my life with or without children. The more I pray and read Gods word the less i'm consumed with not having a child.
    (GW)Jer 29:11 I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.
    That's the God of Love, Mercy, Grace........and forgiveness giving me a furture filled with hope.
    posted by Andra'
    on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 8:54 pm
  75. I also wanted to make another comment on the above. Reading all of the bible quotes and the different women bringing encouragment has really helped taked more of the oppression of not having children off me. Or maybe its me bringing it to the cross. In any case thank you all for taking the time to share you encouragement as well as you struggles. I love you all and will pray for each of you! Thank you Mindy for you heart toward these women and standing and praying for and with them.
    Isa 40:31 But those who trust in the LORD for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak
    posted by Andra'
    on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 9:26 pm
  76. Thank you so much for this post! I have been struggling for a year now with the questions of "Why me, God?", "What's wrong with us?", "Why do all of these ladies who don't desire kids...have kids?" I have recently come to the realizations that you came to, and it's still a struggle and I know that I must lean on God each day, but I know He is helping me focus on Him and others and not on myself! One of the hardest things I went through recently, and I would have to say it was the breaking point for me, was when I found out my younger sister, who only was off birth control for a month, got pregnant right away! I was angry, sad, frustrated, and so many other emotions! Through scripture and with my husbands help, I realized that babies have been an idol in my life, and I am working on accepting that I may never have children! I will also need to print this post out and re-read it. Again, Thank you SOOO much for posting this!
    posted by Brenda
    on Monday, August 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm
  77. Thank you for your blog. God bless you for helping others in pain. Thank you for showing kindness and empathy.
    Have great weekend.
    posted by Robz
    on Friday, September 16, 2011 at 10:17 am
  78. Hi Everyone.
    I would firstly like to say although I am not religeous I respect all people and their beliefs, I found this page so helpful so thank you.

    Myself and my husband have been trying for a baby for almost 6 years now. I married young (at 19) and I am now almost 25 so age is not an issue for my infertility. Almost all of my friends and family members are now pregnant or becoming a father. One friend has had 4 children in the time we have been trying. It is heartbreaking and every day is a struggle that noone I know could possibly understand. I talk to my husband, Mum and my 2 close friends. Though all are very supportive my Mum and Husband dont seem to like talking about it and get upset and my 2 close friends both recently gave birth to their second child so i find I cant talk to them about my problems whilst they are so happy and enjoying their new additions so much.

    I would like to give some comfort to those scared of going to the doctors. I too was scared but I first went 3 years ago and have been going regularly since and I still havent been told the dreaded words that "I cant have children". Tthey must do many tests first before they can conclude that.

    My husband is fine and it is me with the infertility problem but although he is desperate for children he has been incredible and stuck by me. He hates it when I say its me and not him as he says we are in it together. Im very lucky to have him. The doctors and specialists can not find anything wrong with me so its just one of those things.

    2 months ago I finally realised I was pregnant for the first time - I cant even begin to describe my joy and happiness as I am sure you can imagine but unfortunately a few weeks later I had a miscarriage after 5 years of trying.

    Now I have a whole new set of emotions running around my head.
    Most are the same as before with a few additions. I go through different phases:

    Why me?
    Self Pity.
    Wanting to leave (free) my husband so he can have children with someone else.
    Running away.
    Cutting all friends with children out of my life.
    Maybe I was given this challenge in life as maybe I can cope with it more then others.
    Maybe I was given this problem in order to help others.
    Im being punished for something.
    Blaming others.

    I could go on but I hate myself for feeling many of these. Unfortunately we cant control what goes on in our minds but I drive myself crazy. Firstly im upset about something and then im upset with myself for feeling this way - for example jealousy as in general im not a jealous person at all. So I make myself mad for feeling jealousy!

    I refuse to go to the doctors for any emotional help but today I have finally given in and "googled" others with similar problems as I feel so lonely, That is where I came accross all your stories which have helped enormously.

    Im sorry I have written my life story but even if noone reads - it feels so good to get it off my chest.

    Thank you everyone for sharing and listening and I wish everyone all the best.
    posted by VicW
    on Wednesday, September 28, 2011 at 5:12 am
  79. Hello Ladies, Wow....I read all your comments and life stories and it brought tears to my eyes....I too feel so alone with this....I been trying to have a baby for 10 yrs now....and now i'm approaching my 30's and I feel like my clock is ticking. I just recently started going to the doctors regularly and just a couple of months ago was told that my tubes on both sides were completely blocked... I think to me out of these 10 yrs of trying that day hearing that was the worse day of my life. I was giving a couple of options surgery being one....but it was the way the doctor said it...."her insensitiveness to my situation that bothered me". She told me to have the surgery but consider adoption cause I probably wouldn't get preganant anyway. You would have thought someone punched me in the face....I only took those words as well you can have the surgery but its no point cause you need to adopt anyway...Needless to say I didn't have the surgery only because I felt like GOD has the last say so...But I toy with the thought everyday if I should...I guess I'm just scared....plus...I think what if I do have the surgery and it still doesn't fix my situation will it make me crazy?? So really it just hard to come to terms with all of this. I'm just glad I'm not by myself...I clearly know how many of you all feel....I'm extremely depressed, sad, mad at GOD...I also ask those questions why me? I can't attend any baby showers, I definitely don't go to the hospitals when my friends or family have a child, I can't even go down the baby isles in the stores and my pillow has seen more tears than a little bit so I just really wanted to say I feel your pain and I'm Praying for you all...
    posted by Trisha
    on Monday, October 3, 2011 at 4:25 am
  80. VicW,
    First off, I just want to say how thankful I am that you were led to this site. I don’t believe it was by accident that you got here.

    I also want to tell you how sorry I am about your miscarriage. I can’t even imagine the sorrow you’re feeling right now as you mourn the loss of your baby.

    All of the emotions that you describe are pretty normal for someone dealing with this issue, whether they’re religious or not. I think I felt almost everything on your list at one time or another, and I am a Christian. What helped me in dealing with those thoughts and the rollercoaster of emotions, however, was my faith in Christ.

    I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but may I suggest two things that I hope will bring you comfort and peace? First, if you have access to a Bible, read the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament. (If you don’t have a Bible, you can read them online here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+1&version=NIV1984)

    One of the wonderful things about the Psalms is that they are so honest. You see real, hurting people in them who are asking a lot of the same questions that you mentioned. Why me? Jealousy. Self-pity. Loneliness. I often think of the Psalms as someone’s heart-cry to God. And the amazing thing is, we often get to see how that person found comfort, help, or had their perspective changed—and why. I really, really hope you’ll try this. For me, there were so many days when I just didn’t know where to turn, when I felt like the hurt of not having children was too much, and I opened the Psalms and found something that helped.

    My second suggestion to you is to pray. Again, I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but you also said sometimes you wonder if you “were given” this challenge to help others or because you’re better able to handle it. That makes me think that perhaps you believe that someone or something is out there to “give it to you.” I believe that someone is God, and He would so love it if you would try talking to Him.

    You could even start, “God, I’m not really sure if you’re out there, but if you are, I have some things I want to tell you . . .” And then just honestly tell Him about what you’re feeling. Then you could say something like, “So if you’re listening, would you please show me somehow?” And then look for an answer. It might not be what you expect—it could just be a feeling inside or possibly some words out of one of the Psalms you just read. And it might not be immediate. But if you honestly ask God, He will answer. The Bible tells us that Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7). And in another place, Jesus also said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

    I hope you can find that rest. I’m praying for you.

    posted by Mindy Kroesche
    on Monday, October 10, 2011 at 8:22 am
  81. Hello ladies,
    I have to say i am filled with tremedous emption right now after reading your stories. My story is a bit different. I am not infertile, however I will never be able to have my own children because I had an emergency hysterectomy at age 36. I am unmarried, and batteled with immense pain due to fibrioids for over 5 yrs before my emergency surgery.I avoided having surgery in hopes somehow i could have child, and it never happened. i had to have the surgery to spare my life as i was bleeding internally and told i had only 2 hrs to live prior to the surgery, so i had no time to think. After the surgery I felt so many different emotions but the one that has remained is tremendous hurt. I felt that God abadnoned me and was punishing me. I tried to focus on the fact that God spared my life and i am alive today because of the surgery, but i can't help how I feel. I have always wanted a family as my own growing up was broken. I have been struggling with my faith for so long. i am not only childless with no husband, i also had to endure a sexually abusive childhood from my father, cousins (male and female) and family friends. i cannot explain my relationship with God. I have gone trhough so much in 37 years that having a child was the last bit of hope i held onto and now it is gone. I need so much help. I feel the same things you ladies do of crying when i see other women with their children, or familes, when friends tell me they are getting married, etc. I feel jealousy, hate, rage, anger, hurt, pain, dissapointment. I thought about single parent adoption but am finaciall strapped and cannot afford it. I am to the point where i don't understand why i am here on earth. I feel i was placed here to suffer. I cry and cry all the time. I am trying to hold on to what little bit of religion and faith i have left (was raised by a christian mother and grandmother). Please someone, i am at my wits end.
    posted by Very Hurt
    on Saturday, October 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm
  82. Very Hurt...

    My heart goes out to you as I read your post. You have truly suffered in this life. I am so sorry. But, I do want you to know that it is in Christ where your hope and peace will be found. Do you have a church? Do you have a strong evangelical church in your area where you can find someone to walk through your grief and pain with you?

    The writer of this post answered a girl just the other day, and I thought what she said was so good and helpful. I am going to copy it below because it says just what someone needs when they have been hurt so. I pray it will be an answer for you, too. There are a few things that won’t speak exactly to you, but the help will be made to order for you. Here is her wise counsel:

    All of the emotions that you describe are pretty normal for someone dealing with this issue, whether they’re religious or not. I think I felt almost everything on your list at one time or another, and I am a Christian. What helped me in dealing with those thoughts and the rollercoaster of emotions, however, was my faith in Christ.

    I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but may I suggest two things that I hope will bring you comfort and peace? First, if you have access to a Bible, read the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament. (If you don’t have a Bible, you can read them online here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+1&version=NIV1984)

    One of the wonderful things about the Psalms is that they are so honest. You see real, hurting people in them who are asking a lot of the same questions that you mentioned. Why me? Jealousy. Self-pity. Loneliness. I often think of the Psalms as someone’s heart-cry to God. And the amazing thing is, we often get to see how that person found comfort, help, or had their perspective changed—and why. I really, really hope you’ll try this. For me, there were so many days when I just didn’t know where to turn, when I felt like the hurt of not having children was too much, and I opened the Psalms and found something that helped.

    My second suggestion to you is to pray. Again, I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but you also said sometimes you wonder if you “were given” this challenge to help others or because you’re better able to handle it. That makes me think that perhaps you believe that someone or something is out there to “give it to you.” I believe that someone is God, and He would so love it if you would try talking to Him.

    You could even start, “God, I’m not really sure if you’re out there, but if you are, I have some things I want to tell you . . .” And then just honestly tell Him about what you’re feeling. Then you could say something like, “So if you’re listening, would you please show me somehow?” And then look for an answer. It might not be what you expect—it could just be a feeling inside or possibly some words out of one of the Psalms you just read. And it might not be immediate. But if you honestly ask God, He will answer. The Bible tells us that Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7). And in another place, Jesus also said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

    Very Hurt, know that we care, and we have taken time to pray for you. How I pray God will meet you in your need—and will answer in ways that you cannot imagine (Eph. 3:20).

    Love and Blessings in Christ...
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Monday, October 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm
  83. Thank you, I am so glad I found this site. The Holidays are the hardest for me a reminder that it is not God's plan for me to be a mother. I have been married for 12 years I am 46 now and have never been pregnant and never will, for my husband is sterile. We cannot have children and financially we are unable to adopt. I love children, I am blessed to work with children, yet my heart aches as a woman who shall never have her own child. God has blessed me in other ways in my life and I do concentrate on those blessings, but like I said every Holiday Season, I get very sad from my infertility. Thank you again for your spiritual words, this is a sight I will continue to visit, and I think it will help me.
    posted by Maria
    on Thursday, November 24, 2011 at 10:45 pm
  84. I have been searching God for answers. My husband and I have one child, now a teenager. We both wanted more children but it never happened. In my late thirties the doctors thought I had ovarian cancer and sent me to a cancer doctor who did surgery resulting with a complete hysterectomy. It was not cancer but a very large tumor that needed removed. At the time I was not able to greive my lost because I was so thankful it wasn't cancer and everyone told me the same thing to just be thankful it wasn't cancer when I brought up the fact I could not have anymore children. I have felt guilty that I was not able to give my child a sibling to growup with like I did as a child. I continued to have a strong desire for another child but due to circumstances we were never able to adopt. Even now at age 50 I still struggle so much was this desire and I don't understand why I do. I have given it over to God but it still remains and at time makes me very emotional. I believe before my surgery I may have had a early miscarriage but not mention it to anyone. Why do I still grieve the lost of having more children? I don't understand why I still have the desire I my age.
    posted by Vicky
    on Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 12:07 am
  85. thank you so much ur words have made me understand and comfort me i felt like i was the only one out there may god be with all of those women who have felt as sad as i felt till today i carry a smile i will pray for all of my sisters in chris
    revive our hearts
    posted by cynthia
    on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 4:03 am
  86. my story is long but sad ive been married for over 9 years and i have 5 siters over the years ive seen all of my sisters have children waiting to see when would i be next iam the third of five sisters and evrytime one of my sisters would tell the family another lil bunddel of joy was geting ready to join the family i would cry inside not over jealousy but over doubt was god lisening to my crys or my prayers i would ask my husband over and over why me but no words would comfort me but this thst i just read has answerd me in all the ways that anybody can imagen may god bless you truly .
    posted by cynthia grimaldo diaz
    on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 4:18 am
  87. Thanks thanks so so much i badly need this support. I m a childless woman married from last 8 Yrs. Yes it true i still trust GOD but he has not bless me with this happiness. Thou i m strong but it difficult to see all friend relative our younger cousin get babies n we still helpless begging for one child from god. Even our parent are waiting every month especially my mom. But now i only ask God to give me that must courage to except the fact and i can live the life in still good n better way.
    posted by Kripa Shah
    on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 at 2:23 am
  88. Being 23 years old and knowing or not really knowing whats going on and seen doc after doc is really scary but reading this today has made me cry but at the same time feel zoo much better so far I'm taking it week by week praying GOD has mercy on me and give us that HUGE blessing, thank you for this blog.
    posted by JBZ
    on Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 12:18 am
  89. Hei, it was very good o read you entry and others have shared. I am not able to have children as well. No need to say that this was the biggest dream of my life....it's weird though that since I was 10, 11 years old I would feel very touched by the stories of barren women in the Bible (they were so many!) and I would have this feeling that the same would happen to me. Anyway, I figure that no one can force the hand of God, so we can spend our whole lives feeling miserable about it and questioning his love and wisdom. We can do that - but it leads no where! So much better is to surrender our will, our dreams, our plan to Him who knows everything! I don´t know if He will make a miracle in us (my sister also couldn't have children but the Lord promised her a little girl and after 7 years waiting she received the most beautiful princess! ) I don't know if He wants the same for us but I KNOW that He loves me, he cares because in any moment during this process I have felt abandoned or hopeless. I cried a lot and I still do it, but every time I feel this sting in my heart I take to the Lord. I tell him: here is my pain father, please take it and help me to understand you will. He never fails to come and comfort me. I know my redeemer lives and he collets everyone of my tears in his cup. :)
    Be as it may don't let this take you further from God, take everything to Him and you will see that He is never as close than when your heart is broken. Bless!
    posted by Alo
    on Monday, February 27, 2012 at 10:17 am
  90. As I sit here reading all of these stories with tears pouring down my face, I realize there are people that understand "my tears". I just found out another friend is expecting her fourth child. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, with many of those years spent dealing with infertility. We have seen a specialist, and were told basically that he is nearly sterile. It has been so hard for me to come to terms with. It feels as if all of my hopes and dreams have been shattered. I find myself struggling not to be angry with him, or play the what if game. We have been blessed GREATLY with a miracle child. She is now 9 years old. From our Doctors own admission, she is truly a "miracle". Many of you might wonder why I am still struggling so much, especially since I have a child. I am so very Thankful for her. She is our precious, much wanted and prayed for child. However, that doesn't quench my desires for more children. I have prayed for God to take these desires from me if He doesn't see fit to give us more children. But, I can't get away from the feeling that our family isn't complete. I have it on my mind daily. I put on a smile when all I really want to do is cry. We kept a child in our home for a while, and we thought that maybe she was our answered prayer. We ended up with our hearts broken, and with my daughter and I only wanting a child of our own even more. My husband is fine with our family as it is. He says it really doesn't bother him, except for the fact he knows it bothers me so greatly. Which is another reason I have a hard time dealing with it. I see him as being the reason we can't have children, and then he doesn't really care. Even though I have struggled with this for so long, I still have all of these pent up emotions. It's not something I talk to many people about, because of the great shame that comes with it. Most all of my friends have numerous children, so I don't really feel like they understand, and only give false "sympathy". I know God cares for us. I am truly GRATEFUL for my child. I certainly don't want to come across as not being thankful. I guess I just can't come to terms with my situation. I know God is faithful. He has proven Himself many times. Please keep my family and I in your prayers.
    posted by MDD
    on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 at 4:11 am
  91. I think the thing that hurts more is knowing that not only is it going to be next to impossible for me to get pregnant because I am infertile, but he is infertile as well. The only good thing about this is that it allows us to have time for each other..it still hurts though.
    posted by Stephanie
    on Wednesday, March 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm
  92. I am 24. I have been married for almost a year. I have been with my husband for 5 years the one year of marriage included. I have a condition called PCOS and without medication and fertility treatments... i probably will not be able to have children. I am trying my best to deal with this. I found out about a year into our relationship. We both want children soooo badly... and it destroys me inside to think that I will not be able to provide this for Us. It was particularly hard on me when I found out my best friend, who when we were growing up never really wanted kids, was pregnant. I was sooo Jealous and hurt that i just cried. She apologized to me and said that if she could switch places with me she would. I wish i didnt feel this way. I wish i never had to deal with this .. cause i dont think my heart can stand it. Everytime i hear that someone else is pregnant, I cant help but to say God... why not me. I just want to be normal. I talked to my pastor awhile ago about it. She went through the same struggles that i have but God Gave her a child in the end. She made some valid points that I try to remind myself when i get down about my situation. Since my husband and I have known each other we have lived together. I know this wasn't right being that we werent married, but i knew that God made him for me and I for him. She pointed out that maybe we werent blessed with children because God knew we werent ready. Neither of us had full-time jobs, no insurance, ect. Now since we are married, him working a full-time job and I a part-time, a stable home, a support system in place, on our feet, maybe God will see it fit that we are ready to be the parents I know God has destined us to be. I try to keep my head and heart lifted up to God knowing that he has his reasons ( tho we may not understand) for everything. Its just really hard. really really hard. I have another question and would like some input.
    Is it wrong to get fertility treatmeants? or to take medications to get pregnant?
    posted by FallenAngel
    on Friday, April 6, 2012 at 12:39 am
  93. I wrote in here on february 27. This month I found out that the miracle we were expecting happened: I got pregnant. God is so good but even if we haven't got pregnant He is still good. He is always good. :)
    posted by ALO
    on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 3:20 pm
  94. Bullcrap! God there is no god. I have had many miscarriages and he does not care. God can go to hell.
    posted by kristina wallis
    on Sunday, May 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm
  95. Thank you for sharing. I could almost imagine myself having written many of the things you said when talking about your struggles. I know that I am not through with this yet but I know that I am trying. Maybe someday soon I will be able to rejoice in my circumstances.
    posted by Christiana M.
    on Monday, June 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm
  96. Thank you so much for this article. I have tried to get preganant with my ex husband with no success, and was told I could get a shot to help me ovulate to have children. My then husband and I never did try the shot, he was not ready for children. Year later, I found out that he remarried nad i still am Baron.

    My new husband has three children, and does not feel that he wants children. I have the HPV virus, and am afrid this will prevent me from having children. I also have never been pregnant, and am 35 and feel if my husband does decide he wants children, it will be to late or I will not be able to have children.

    Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted out of life is to have children. IT seems such an easy thing for other people to acheive, Why not me?? I am sobbing now as i wrtie this. I don't blame God, and try to remember he does everything for a reason.

    I love my stepchildren, but am so afraid "what if God forbid we divorce?" the closest that I have ever had to children will be gone.

    Alot of people are so hateful in their words, "how come you don't have kids?" "are you every going to have kids?" "you will understand when you have kids?"

    I get so angry and upset, I just try to remember that when I meet my maker, I will have all the children I never could on this earth.
    posted by Melissa
    on Wednesday, December 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm
  97. @Melissa...We are so glad the post ministered to you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I want you to know that our hearts go out to you in your sadness and heartache. Oh, Melissa...don't be angry with God; He is the One you can turn to when life doesn't work the way you have planned. He is the God of all comfort and the God of all grace. Let Him be the One to fill the empty places of your heart.

    Know we have paused to pray for you this day, that the Savior, Immanuel--God With Us, will be exactly that in your heart this day and tomorrow as you celebrate His birth. My thoughts are with you.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Monday, December 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm
  98. I am trying to accept that I will not have a natural child. My head and heart scream WHY?

    Nothing is too had for the Lord.
    posted by Rachel
    on Monday, February 11, 2013 at 8:14 am
  99. Dear Rachel,

    My heart grieves with you tonight, precious friend. Know you are being lifted before the Throne of Grace. Indeed, nothing is too difficult for our God. May the Lord’s presence and peace minster to your heart tonight.

    "Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief (Ps. 31:9)."
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, February 13, 2013 at 6:57 pm
  100. Dear Girls
    Thank you so much for all your supportive words.
    We were recently told we cannot have children...My husband doesn't believe in God. He is trying to persuade me to go for in vitro. He is saying that God wants everyone to have children and this is just another way. I am really struggling, I feel like I can't stop crying. I have always accepted Gods will, always believed that he knows what's best for me. I think this is some kind of his plan to make my husband believe in God...but he is far from it. He hates Church, priests. He cannot understand why I listen to people=priests who have no idea what we are going through...
    I am so alone ...I pray to God, I try to understand ...
    posted by loneliness
    on Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 3:57 pm
  101. Dear Loneliness,

    My heart goes out to hear of the pain you are carrying, my friend! I want to assure you that although you feel all alone, you are not. Christ is right there with you, hurting with you, weeping with you. He says “I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Josh. 1:9)” And that assures me that He is with you. He sees your tears are precious to him and collects them in a bottle (Ps. 56:8).

    I encourage you to find an older godly woman who you can share your heart with – someone who will meet with you, pray with you, support and encourage you through this time. If you don’t know of one, perhaps your priest could suggest someone that would be available to you. It would be so helpful for you to have another woman to share with.

    Spending time in God's Word, especially in the Psalms will bring strength to your heart. I also encourage you to pray for your husband and ask God to lead him in the way you should follow through your infertility. Even though your husband may not believe in God, that does not limit God’s ability to lead and direct your family through him. So pray each and every day that God would lead your husband in the way God would have you to go. Then commit to follow your husband through this time.

    I don’ t know what God has planned for you, my friend, whether to give you children through in vitro, through adoption, through loving on kids in your neighborhood, through volunteering at a child care facility, but I pray that God will help you to surrender your hopes and dreams to Him and that He will grow you in your faith during this difficult trial in your life. May God do more than you could ever imagine in the days ahead (Eph. 3:20).

    Blessings to you, my friend.
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, March 6, 2013 at 4:51 pm
  102. Me and my husband have been trying to have a baby three years. It has been very hard on us. I went to the doc today she said its time we start looking at fertilty problems we are scared to find out we will never have kids. We feel alone,hurt our faith has gone down a lot because of this. Lastyear so many people we know had kids even two of his sisters one of them was going to name her son after my husband he is her brother I understand that but it made me mad and hurt a lot it still does. Every since we have been together we have wanted a son and to name him after my husband. Society does not help all woman talk aout our there kids I feel left out on one of the most amazing parts of life having a baby. Me and my husband have became anti social so we don't have to hear about eveeyones kids . When we tell people we have been tryn and it is possible we can't have kids they look at us like were crazy and don't understand or care. Its not fair at all whatever reason god is doing this to us I'm sorry but its not right I do not accept it and probably never will. We feel so alone with this I'm so glad I read this article its not right that any of us cannot have children when there are so many men and woman who have kids and do not want them. It does not help when everyone in my husbands family whovhave sons say there so much like my husband and look so much like him it hurts those kids are not apart of both of us. I do not want to look at the future with not being able to havw children we are talking about maybe adopting but we really don't know about adopting yet.
    posted by erika
    on Thursday, March 21, 2013 at 3:53 am
  103. @Erika…My heart is heavy for you, Erika. I can only imagine how the news hurt in the doctor's office. I pray you will be able to trust God even in the midst of this trial. Keep your faith, Erika—God is actually the only One who can help you through this. Other people will indeed disappoint you, and you have no hope of finding relief or an answer or a miracle apart from God. He is faithful, Erika.

    I am praying for you in this time of heartache:
    “Heavenly Father, our hearts ache for Erika and her husband as we read her post. The pain she bears at this time is ‘unbearable.’ Would You, Lord, engulf her with Your presence. In Your presence there is peace, there is hope, there is rest. Be near to them. And Lord, we don’t forget to pray the desires of Erika’s heart. Would You be so pleased to bless them with a child? We entrust them into Your hand and pray Your grace and peace with be evident in their hearts and minds. Please show them Your hand of strength this day. Give them direction for the days ahead. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

    With love and care for you, Erika. Blessings.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 11:51 am
  104. I had a son from my first marriage, but my second marriage - my new husband's first - we were unable to have children - 20 years later it still hurts. My son has a little girl, but his wife tries to stop me from seeing her (they are "Christians" and the daughter in law only wants to see her mother - who had 4 daughters and loves to constantly remind me of the fact and rubs it in my face. (she is not a Christian). It is hard to see why God gave my dream to someone else who is not a believer, and makes fun of me for only having one child. And now I have to fight to see my grand daughter where as he other grandmother sees her 3 - 4 times a week. God gives with one hand and takes with the other -makes it very hard to trust Him and know that He loves and cares about me when He causes so much pain. I HATE Mother's Day!! especially as my own mother never loved or cared about me.
    posted by Carolyn
    on Sunday, April 28, 2013 at 10:54 pm
  105. Carolyn,
    My heart breaks knowing you have suffered so, dear friend; I’m sorry for your pain. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me (Ps.109:22).
    The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18). Our Heavenly Father knows intimately every tear you have shed, Carolyn. His heart too grieves over the heartache sin brings into our lives. He has not abandon you in this journey. In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9). NLT

    The seeds of hurt and bitterness in our hearts can, at times, be difficult to discern but they are as acid to our souls hindering the free flow of God’s grace that we so desperately need in order to bear the suffering of this fallen world.

    There are no easy answers to the trials you have described, Carolyn, but because we serve a Savior who is well acquainted with our grief there is great hope! Would you be willing to work through Nancy’s book Seeking Him? I know it would be such a source of encouragement and help to you in discovering God in the midst of your circumstances. If you’re interested, you may contact me at info@reviveourhearts.com and I’ll be happy to provide you with a copy of that resource.

    Thank you for posting, dear friend. You’ve been lifted before the Throne of Grace today. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life (Ps. 119:50).

    Grace and peace,

    P.S. If you get a chance check out this post, “When Mother’s Day Isn’t a Celebration” (http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2080).
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Thursday, May 2, 2013 at 10:55 am
  106. Thank you Carrie, your reply made me cry, encouraged me and sent me more to the throne of grace. What I didn't say was that my second husband of 21 years just walked out late Nov. Left home without a word, refuses to talk to me or look at me and still continues to attend the same church telling people "we are not together anymore. I haven't done anything wrong". His heart is so hard and bitter and full of unforgiveness - I am still in shock at what he did and the manner he did it - completely unexpected, and he said he can't wait to divorce me, and will take me for every cent I've got. He was immediately taken off the business council at church, but continues to believe he has done nothing wrong in 21 years. The infertility early on in our marriage caused us lots of grief and I never really let it go and gave it it God, so there has been unresolved pain from that - I always wished he would have prayed about it with me, but he never would. I am slowly learning to trust God in everything - that He can bring good out of all this pain.
    posted by Carolyn
    on Friday, May 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm
  107. Carolyn,
    Thanks so much for your response. I just sent you an email reply.

    Grace and peace,
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 at 11:10 am
  108. It's great that you gave kids now. I still don't and never will. Glad your God worked out for you.
    posted by Bitter Truth
    on Friday, May 10, 2013 at 6:40 pm
  109. I have just read this entire thread and have teared up numerous times. My husband and I have been married for almost four years and have tried for a baby the whole time with no results. We were both married before and he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have never had a child. His daughter just graduated from high school last night. I love my stepdaughter and wanted to share in the joy of her accomplishment of graduation, however all it did was bring up my sadness that I will never feel that pride and love for a child of my own to reach those milestones. My stepdaughter was already a teenager when we met and we only saw her on weekends here and there so I've not been a "parent" to her, more of a friend to hang out with every now and then. Throughout my life I've gone back and forth about whether I even wanted to have a child, but now that I am 36, and I know time is running out, it's now all that I can think of. Just like some others have mentioned, I have distanced myself from friends with children (although I really didn't realize that I had consciously done that until reading these posts) and our recent church service on Mothers Day was terribly painful for me as well.

    One of the most difficult things for me and what I am trying to get past if blaming myself. I will get sad and angry that I can't have a baby, and then try as I do to not let my mind go there, I start to think that not having a baby is punishment for sins of my past. I don't want to think that way. I want to believe that my Lord is not vengeful but it's such an easy rationalization to make. I have made bad choices, I have hurt people and acted in ways that were not Christlike, however I have asked for forgiveness and I have to believe that God is not punishing me for these things... It's the only way I can keep from blaming myself and God. Finding the strength to not place blame is not easy though by any means.

    I do pray and I do trust in The Lord. I believe that he has me in the path I am meant to be on. Knowing that but still feeling the pain and sadness for missing out on something I want so badly is a constant battle in my heart and my mind. Reading how others are dealing with the same struggle does give me some peace and hope though and I pray that we all find the answers and peace we need.
    posted by Lookingforstrength
    on Thursday, June 6, 2013 at 9:58 am
  110. My heart goes out to you; I’m sorry for the heartache you and your husband have known in this season of infertility. Know you are being lifted before the infinite Throne of Grace today even as I type.

    The Lord’s ways are often not our ways, dear friend. But based upon the Word of God I can assure you that the Lord does not vindictively punish His children for past sins. Jesus paid the price/penalty for our sin on the cross (Romans 6:23). The just payment for our sin is death not vindictive retribution. Jesus became the propitiation for our sin (1 John 4:10); that means Jesus was our “wrath-absorber”. All the just and righteous wrath of God toward our t sins (past, present and future) was poured out on Jesus. There is no more wrath for you, dear friend, if you are a follower of Christ.

    In fact it is the enemy, the accuser and slanderer of the brethren, who continually reminds you of your past sin and attempts to connect that sin to your current circumstances. God’s Word says your sin has been removed from you as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). When God sees you He sees Jesus and His righteousness; your sins have been cast behind His back ( Is. 38:17) and will never be held against you, my friend. There is now NO condemnation for you in Christ (Romans 8:1-2).

    You are free to live in the lavish love and grace of our Savior, precious friend. His love will carry you through even this heartache of this trial of infertility.

    If you’ve not yet done so, when you can take time to listen to Nancy’s recent series "Enduring Life’s Hardships" (http://tinyurl.com/kaa37th) . I’m praying it will bring help and hope as you navigate this path of difficulty.
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Tuesday, June 11, 2013 at 2:42 pm
  111. I have been going through this for a long time now , today I was so sad and crying, I got online looking for encouragement from women who is going through the same thing or feeling the same way and I came to this site . In the beginning of time I did get pregnant a few times, but I had lost the babies. My husband and I just went on with life praying and worshipping trying to get pregnant year after year so many doctor's appointments and a few surgeries. Until this year and couple of new doctor's at a different hospital discovered that my uterus did not develop as I was growing up and I had fibroids.The time came for me to make a decision to have surgery for them to take my whole uterus out. Yes I started to blame God and asking why me , what did I do blaming my husband the whole time I never stop going to church or stop praying, but I still felt not complete until today .So I came in turns with myself not to have the surgery . And I came to this site , which gave me inside light on myself. I decided to take a different route thank you so much for your story. I came across a lot stories online but this one touched my heart deeply.
    posted by shamerra
    on Wednesday, July 3, 2013 at 11:08 pm
  112. @shamerra...We are so grateful the Lord used this post to encourage you. I pray God will continue to lead you and give you strength for the journey. I pray He will fill your heart and give you the joy of the abundant life in Him. "You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (Psalm 16:11) God bless you, Shamerra.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Tuesday, July 9, 2013 at 12:07 am
  113. Thank u for writing this . It has been so had on me to except that I can't have a baby. I need to hear encouraging words I have been angry and ask God why but I know He wants what's best for me it's just hard to except and see what I am suppose to lean out of this
    posted by Heather
    on Wednesday, September 4, 2013 at 7:22 am
  114. Dear Heather,

    I am thankful to know that God used Mindy’s blog to encourage you. I hope you take her advice in the blog, my friend! 1) Find another woman to talk with. Share your heart and your thoughts with her. She can encourage you, pray for you and keep you pointed toward Jesus. 2) Spend much time in the Word and in prayer. God can handle your anger and your questions. And as you are open and honest with Him, He can fill you with His peace. 3) Make the choice to look for things to be thankful for. You might consider taking the 30-Day Choosing Gratitude Challenge at Revive Our Hearts. You can find it here: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/resource-library/30-day-challenges/. 4) Surrender your heart and desires to God. I’ve paused and prayed for you today, Heather. I’ve asked the Lord to wrap His loving arms around you and comfort you in the deep places of your heart.

    Serving Him,
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Thursday, September 5, 2013 at 12:31 pm
  115. I am in a lot of pain right now. My husband and I cannot have children. I had to sit through another baby shower today. It was torture. The older I get the worse it feels. I get so furious and resentful because I feel inadequate. Like there is this exclusive club out there I will never be a part of. I'm 44 and I have friends who are grandmothers now. The fact that will never happen to me breaks my heart. I know I'm supposed to be grateful for what I do have and not look to what others have, but I don't feel that anyone gets that sense of never being able to measure up to other women and never feeling good enough. I don't understand how this could be Gods will. I don't understand why this feels like a punishment. And I get this all the time, oh you can just adopt. So now not only am I inadequate because I can't have children, but now I am a bad Christian because I'm not fulfilling some sort of duty to adopt and raise children? It's not like I can go to the store, pick up a child and take him/her home that same day. Women who just give this answer just don't get it. It rips my heart out. I thought I have made my peace with this but I have not. I have never ever been able to get pregnant. As I sit in a room filled with women who are all mothers, I can't relate to the conversation. I just don't understand how this could be Gods will for my life. I know Jeremiah 29:11. But this is not hopeful. It's horrible. I've read this whole thread dating back to 2009. These women get it. This sounds like complaining, venting, and rambling. This is so hard for me to talk about. And I love Jesus so much. I pray that I can just let this go one day and move on. But I haven't. These feelings come back whenever I am exposed to events like baby showers. It's painful...so glad I'm not the only one...
    posted by Cathy W.
    on Tuesday, September 10, 2013 at 10:56 pm
  116. Dear Cathy,

    I’m thankful to know that our blog and the thread from other women familiar with your situation has encouraged you and caused you to realize you are not alone in this journey of loss. And please remember that you are definitely not alone. Even if no other woman you meet understands, God sees everything that is going on in your heart and your life. While it may seem like punishment to you, I want to remind you that God loves you and even though He is allowing this suffering in you and your husband’s life for reasons that we do not understand, He wants to use it for your good and for His glory (Is. 43:7). He’s walking with you each step of the way (Is. 43:1-3a).

    I’ve paused and prayed for you today, Cathy and have asked God to pour out His grace on your life, to comfort you and to use the encouragement you have found here to fan into flames the reality of His eternal love for you. May you find comfort in His presence, in His Word and in the knowledge that He loves you.

    Serving Him,
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, September 11, 2013 at 2:41 pm
  117. Just wanted to let you know that a friend gave me this. God blessed me with rhe spiritual mentor where I had not thought id find. I will always sewk to find ways closer to God. Rhis just repears my journey stepa. And helps me learn my new steps. Some bib le versea i have needed to push forth. Thanks again!
    posted by angela
    on Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 9:49 am
  118. Hello, how are you? I am sorry about your story i read on the net, please, if you are still looking to adopt, my husband and I adopted from them, kindly contact them they might be of Assistance. (zacharyrivera08@live.com)

    posted by Beatrice
    on Sunday, October 27, 2013 at 1:25 pm
  119. Thank you so much for this post. It really opened my eyes to not be selfish and to surrender to God because He is in control of my life. I will read this over & over again to remind me, and I wil read more Psalms for healing, wisdom, and patience. Thank you again!
    posted by heather
    on Monday, December 9, 2013 at 9:26 am
  120. I am thankful for this article. I was in a sad place today and reading this pulled me out of that space. I had a hysterectomy aug 22, 2013 at the age of 36. I don't have children and the pain of this is sticking to me. I pray I believe but yes I still hurt terribly. I know God is always around me and send encouraging words as in this article to me. I know am not the only woman going trough this but what I do know is with God and faith filled people we will get through this. God Bless y'all.
    posted by R.Roy
    on Sunday, January 12, 2014 at 8:20 pm
  121. Thank you so much for your article. I have wanted a child since I was a little girl. I'm 51 now and my husband and I have been married almost 30 years - we found out after we were married only 9 months that we would NEVER have children. The doctors said there was nothing they could do. . .We were both Christians so we prayed fervently. Every adoption attempt fell through - "Christian" friends told us we were cursed by God or must have committed some great sin for God to punish us the way He did. Even today - 30 years later, one of my "Christian" co-workers had to remind me that my family is probably cursed because none of my sisters can have children either. . .my sisters are Christians, my parents were Christians before we were born, we were raised in a strong Christian home, we were raised to love and fear and respect the Lord and serve Him ONLY. But, these "friends" have a way of making me question and doubt God. . . the pain is so deep - so here I am again today finding myself AGAIN questioning whether or not I am cursed or my family is cursed . . . the pain is more than I can bear most days. I love God and want to live a life pleasing to Him . . . I know "I" am not "deserving" of any special things from Him. . . but the desire of my heart has always been to be a mom. . .
    Your article has helped me tremendously. . . I know it will be one I read again and again ~
    Thank you for your obedience to the Lord and for sharing and reminding those of us who have not been blessed with children but have been blessed by others who can share the pain and bring comfort to others through their hurt and tears. It reminds me of the scripture in Romans 8, For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord ~ Thank you and God Bless you.
    posted by Rebecca
    on Friday, February 7, 2014 at 12:27 pm
  122. @Rebecca...Bless you; our hearts do ache for you as we read your post. Therein is indeed the hope--that God can and will take every hurtful, painful circumstance in our lives, as well as the good, and weave them together to work for our good and His glory. You and your sisters are not cursed, Rebecca; God does not curse His children. (See John 9:1-3) I pray this night that God will give you peace in the hurting and make His power and presence known in yours and your husband's hearts and lives. "And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." (Psalm 9:10)
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, February 12, 2014 at 12:21 am
  123. Thank you for the wonderful insight and inspirational post. My daughter is 30 and has been a Type 1 diabetic for 27 years. She became blind in her one eye because of her diabetes and also had cancer of her thyroid in 2010. She is healthy now and can bare children but cannot carry a baby full term because she will go blind in the other eye as well. Thank you for sharing your story of hope and courage because now I truly know that God has a plan for her life and she will see a rainbow in her life again. May God bless you and everyone with the same problem abundantly. You are truly brave woman.
    posted by Linda Rostoll
    on Saturday, March 1, 2014 at 3:21 pm
  124. thank you so much for this article as i read this i couldn't help but to think Finally God someone who understands. Just yesterday my sister brought up the story of Abraham and Isaac and she told me basically the same things you were saying in this article so I know God wants me to go read and study that. I just thank God for you and this article, for too long i felt i was the only one going through it. i attend a small chuch and i am the only one there who is not a mom. if i would try to talk to someone there without hearing what i'm trying to say I'm made to feel bad because i'm frustrated and feel like because i don't have kids i have any issues or any hurts. but it's good to know that not only God relates and understand but there is also others walking in this same discouraged/why not me/it's not fair and to be honest the God i trust you but why. But even in all of this i thank God for this journey and i look forward to where he's leading me with kids or without. I'm Truly beginning to understand my life is in his hands. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways saith the Lord. Isaiah 55:8. God bless everyone
    posted by Monique
    on Friday, March 21, 2014 at 11:40 am
  125. I am nearly 34 and childless. I have been a Christian since age 14, but unfortunately I still made some foolish choices in my past. I got into what turned out to be a very troubled and unhealthy relationship in my 20's and wasted several years hanging on and hoping that man would turn out to be the one. After 3 years of this, to my horror I found that I was pregnant. Pregnancy outside of marriage was the last thing I had wanted, and I felt like a moral failure. We married quickly. A couple months into the marriage, I miscarried. He walked out a few weeks later, telling me he had only married me because I was pregnant and that now I had miscarried he had "an out" - his exact words. I begged for him to stay but he moved out and filed for divorce. I was left trying to deal with the emotional upheaval from 3 years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship with him, unplanned pregnancy, instant marriage, miscarriage, and now being abandoned and divorced. To put it simply, I was completely broken emotionally. I felt worthless. I feared I had made such a mess of my life God would never be able to use me again; that I had lost all credibility as a Christian witness, and that at 28, I had frittered away my chances of being happily married to a godly man and having children- the life I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. There were some very dark days. God was faithful though. He took care of me through it all. He gave me the strong support of my family, friends, coworkers and students ( I was an elementary teacher), and church. I grew stronger and he healed my wounds. About 14 months later, I met my precious husband. He was divorced ( his wife had left him after 19 years of marriage for another man). He had 3 children from that marriage ranging from age 10-19. He told me from the beginning that he had had a vasectomy several years ago and that having more children would not be in the mix for him. I took all this in stride; honestly I did not expect God to bring me a second chance at a happy marriage, much less children. I was just at a place in my life where I thought it would be ok if I never had biological children. I was so overjoyed to have found true love, and no children seemed a small price to pay. We were married a year and a half later. Today we have been married 3 years. My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever known. He is selfless and loving as I hate never known another man to be. He puts me and the kids ahead of himself in everything. He is a strong Christian and a great godly husband and father. The oldest child now lives on his own and the younger two ( now teens) live with us half of the time. They are all sweet kids and I love them dearly. I have a very sweet relationship with all three. Even so, step mothering is in many ways a thankless task, and fraught with challenges what with thee wife and all. Were it not for God and a supportive husband I could not do it. But all in all, my life that was in total ruins a few short years ago has come full circle. I bear little resemblance to that broken vessel I was at age 28. My only real heartache? Not having my own children. I didn't expect that to be an issue for me. I was so naive to think it would not matter. It matters so much. I began longing for them only a few months into my marriage and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not expecting to feel that kind of loss and longing. I grieve for the child I lost in miscarriage more now than when it first happened. I wonder if I missed God's timing to give me children during those years of my 20s when I was focused on a man I knew was not God's best for me. I often wonder if God wanted to bring me the marriage and children I dreamed of then and now I've missed the opportunity forever. But I can't reconcile that train of thought with my marriage and life now. I KNOW God brought my husband into my life with great certainty. He has been a total answer to prayer and a blessing I cannot be thankful enough for. So had I married someone else with whom I could have had children years ago, I would have never met my husband. I would have missed out on all of this joy. I should explain that my husband (who is 12 years older than me) doesn't feel any desire to have his vasectomy reversed ( which would only have about a 30% chance of resulting in pregnancy after this many years anyway) or to seek adoption. I would be willing to pursue either option. I totally get all his concerns and reservations. After all, he already raised a family. He's done the whole baby thing and almost as his children raised. He is looking a buying vehicles and paying for college for them now, and the idea of starting the entire process all over again is not appealing. He has concerns about his age and being too old to be there for the child when it is grown, having grandchildren the same age as his own child, etc. I get all of those reasons. They are valid. So is the fact that I long for my own child. As much as I love his and do for them just as if they were my own, I long to raise my own little girl or boy. I don't know where I fit in. All the women I know my own age have little children. I have trouble relating to them and feel out of place. All the parents my husband's age are much older and have grown or nearly grown kids. I don't know how to relate to them either. I feel I don't exactly fit in anywhere. And I feel a need to explain my childless circumstances but don't know how. If I reveal how much I long for my own children, I risk making my husband look like a heel for not being willing to have them and making my marriage look unhappy (which it is not). If I hide the fact that I deeply desire children then I risk looking uncaring or lacking a maternal instinct. I am enormously blessed. God has given me more than I could have dreamed of. He gives me joy each day. But this longing is something I deal with and do not know what to do with.
    posted by Mollie
    on Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 3:18 pm
  126. Dear Mollie,

    Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I could not help but praise the LORD for the ways His manifold grace has been made evident in your life. What a joy to know that He brings from the ashes of our lives an abundant testimony of praise. He will provide for those who grieve… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations (Isaiah 61:3-4).

    I hear the heartache of your desperate longing for children, Mollie, and I’m sorry for your pain. But far more importantly Jesus knows perfectly…intimately every detail of your desire. “Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me (Psalm 38:9-10).”

    Jesus knows, my friend. He sees and He cares with an infinite, tender, furious, compassionate love – a love that is well acquainted with your grief. A love that caused Him to lay down His personal rights and privileges as the Son of God and to take on our flesh-suit. The One who had no sin became sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinth. 5:21).

    Oh, my friend…the Lord will give you the grace to surrender the unfulfilled longings of your heart. He has promised to do so; to help you walk by faith and not by sight as you trust the Him and His promises. Will you choose, by faith, to offer a sacrifice of praise today? To thank our Great God for all that He has accomplished in and through your life in the past and all He desires to do in the future? He will lead you each step of the way. “He who offers praise over and over makes a beaten path over which God comes with deliverance (Psalm 50:23).”

    Perhaps Nancy’s article on Unfulfilled Longings would be an encouragement to you in this journey, dear friend (http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1661).

    Know you have been lifted before the Throne of Grace today.
    posted by Carrie Gaul
    on Monday, April 14, 2014 at 3:48 pm
  127. Even though this is an older article, it is still beautifully written and is something that I needed to hear. I have been a sickly girl all my life---not because of those silly colds, but because of poor genetics. I've had medical conditions since I was a toddler, and at age 21, I can only say that I've gained more of them. When I was 17, I was diagnosed with a mitral valve prolapse and with glaucoma, all within a few weeks apart. I was given medication for my eyes and began being looked at for Marfan Syndrome. It was at that point in my life where I seriously questioned whether it was right for me to consider having children of my own. I know at such a young age a thought like that might seem absurd, but it was a concern of mine. It still is. I recall speaking to my mother about this back then and I told her that maybe I should adopt when I was older instead of having my own children. The look on her face was definitely one that didn't agree with me.

    From the age of 18-20, my periods became erratic, to the point where all I did was menstruate. I was anxious all the time, my moods were all over the place. Last summer, my gynecologist began putting me on hormone medications, such as birth control and other pills, to try and combat whatever was going on. With other factors to consider, she suspected PCOS. My paternal aunt has it, and there have been signs of undiagnosed infertility on my father's side as well.

    I went for all different kinds of blood tests and sonograms, and PCOS was shoved out the window. To this day, my gynecologist still doesn't know what's going on, but she is experimenting on me different combinations of hormone pills to try and get the bleeding to stop in the meantime.

    I firmly believe that this was the last straw I could possibly give. With all of this in mind, I feel that even if I could physically have children of my own, I am choosing not to try. I have told this to friends and past partners, but I would not want a child of my own to be as sickly as me, for I would feel guilty about it the rest of my life. But at the same time, as an early childhood educator, I am working with infants and toddlers and little preschool children. There are days when it's hard for me to hold a child in my arms and not feel sad.

    This article has reminded me that I am here for a reason. Some things I'm still searching for, but I've come to find that my work with young children is important. These children are MY children, and I want the best the world can give to them. I have a very caring partner by my side, however he isn't interested in raising a family. This doesn't meant that he doesn't understand or care about my feelings, but raising a family was not in his plan. But he continues to support me and my struggles, and we've talked about getting a dog or two once we move in together. I only wish to be given more signs of what else I can do for others...to be shown that even a life without a child of my own is something that can still be looked forward to.
    posted by Samantha
    on Sunday, May 25, 2014 at 11:35 am
  128. @Samantha...We thank you for your honesty in sharing with us. We cannot understand the depth all that you have been through; we are grateful this post encouraged you. I encourage you to find a godly woman to talk through this with you, Samantha. She will pray with you, encourage you and help you see God's plan for your life. Indeed He has a purpose and plan for you. "You shall follow the LORD your God and fear Him; and you shall keep His commandments, listen to His voice, serve Him, and cling to Him." (Deut. 13:4) May you know His presence as you seek Him and cling to Him. "And those who know Your name put their trust in You,
    for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." (Psalm 9:10) God bless you.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Monday, May 26, 2014 at 10:55 pm
  129. I'm about to undergo a hysterectomy next Tues (24 Jun) because of cancer. I'm 33, single and I have been hoping for a partner. In my culture, men equate marriage very much with having children and it is quite difficult to adopt in my country.
    I am scared and alone.
    I feel that the hysterectomy will not only put a full-stop to any hopes of having children but also to my hope of finding a partner. I also question a lot of "why" since I was diagnosed 2 months ago. I am not only faithfully serving in church but I also mentor young girls. As such I find it very difficult to find someone to talk to in my community. They seem to think that a faithful servant as me have no fears.
    The truth is I am also ashamed of my condition and I am imperfect.
    I try very hard to remain cheerful and go to church but when I think about having my female reproductive organs wrenched out from me, I feel upset. I still try very hard to worship Hod but I cant help constantly questioning why me. The emotional rollar-coaster is no joke. I chanced upon your blog and I am impressed by your faith. Please keep me in prayer for God to help me and my doctor the wisdom and strength.
    posted by Very scared
    on Sunday, June 15, 2014 at 1:13 pm
  130. Dear Very Scared,

    Oh, sweet friend, we can only imagine the fears and struggles you are working through as you face your upcoming surgery. I encourage you to take your “why’s” to the Lord - not demanding an answer, but simply pouring out your heart to Him. He knows what’s in your future, my friend, and knows what you need to be ready for whatever is ahead. Even this is in His sovereign plan for your life no matter how difficult it is.

    Faithful servants have many fears and there is nothing wrong with that. But they also know where to go with their fears. Psalm 56:3 says: “When I am afraid I will trust in You.” Paul knew the pain of an affliction that wouldn’t go away. In 2 Cor. 12:9-10 he says: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
    God loves you, my friend. He is good and everything He does is good. He is your source of fulfilment and the source of your strength as you face the unknown and your fears associated with that. Take Mindy's advice, above, as much as you can. Stay in the Word, my friend! It will keep you anchored to God’s heart. I’m praying for you.

    I want to leave you with a link to a powerful video by Joni Eareckson Tada. May God use this to encourage you today: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1340

    Serving Him,
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 1:24 pm
  131. Great post! Been reading a lot about not being able to have children. Thanks you for sharing your thoughts here!
    posted by Studying Adoption
    on Friday, June 27, 2014 at 10:54 am
  132. I can't have kids and was born with incomplete male development yes
    Male development but not enough developed so doctors removed the underdeveloped parts in fear of cancer and was raised a girl . My question is could God not make up his mind about my gender? I honestly cannot have children but I also can never get married.
    I've been asexual on my life. I say God has a lot of explaining to do because my life has been hell watching other people get married and having children and knowing that will never be me

    I had so many Christians want me to think that God called me to be single so this birth defect was to make sure I had no choice but to live that. ? I was also told that Jesus is my husband that has to be the most hurtful thing out of all of this as Jesus doesn't give me companionship that I need.

    I'm not Thanking God or praising God for any of this there is nothing to be praised about
    posted by Kathryn
    on Sunday, June 29, 2014 at 1:41 pm
  133. @Kathryn…We thank you for your honesty and openness about these issues in your life. Know that our hearts go out to you in the hurt, the unfulfilled hopes and unexpressed desires you have shared. I’m sorry, Kathryn. Yours is a very difficult and painful circumstance.

    We certainly can't know why you are suffering as you are right now in your life, but this we do know, Kathryn; God loves you. He sent His Son to die on the cross, a death He did not deserve in any way, in order that we might have eternal life with Him. A life that is free from the injustices of this life, the pain of this life, the sorrow and grief of this world. That is mercy and grace, Kathryn. It is undeserved. “But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!” (Rom. 5: 8)

    I pray, Kathryn, that you will be able to find peace with God in some way. I pray you will be given the grace to find purpose and peace in this life and relief from the daily pain you experience. My heart truly goes out to you; I care.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, July 2, 2014 at 10:05 pm
  134. Thank you for posting this. Today's been a "stay in my Pjs and binge on ice cream" kinda day. I'm 34 years old (turning 35 in December). I have been with my husband for 18 years (married 11). I was raised by loving Christian parents and am active in my church. I did everything "right" and in "order". I went to a great college after high school and got my nursing degree. I have been a mother-baby & NICU nurse for 12 years now. I love children. I've always wanted to be a mom and knew it was my purpose in life. My husband and I are financially stable. Everything is right! Except...a few years ago my husband decided he didn't want children. Prior to our marriage...during dating, premarital counseling...he did want kids. Even early in our marriage he said he wanted kids. Then...excuses started like "let's wait a few more years....or let's get more financially stable...etc.". Now...anytime I bring it up, it causes a fight. He tells me that if kids are that important to me, I should leave and find someone to have kids with. He doesn't see (or chooses to ignore) the tears, the heartache, the desire. Every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy, I say I'm happy for them with my "fake/somewhat true" smile and then spend the whole night crying and being angry that it isn't me. Every time a patient asks if "I have kids" I feel like crawling in a hole instead of smiling and saying "nope...not yet. Maybe when the husband stops traveling so much." It isn't fair! It hurts so badly! I try not to be mad at God. I try to think that He must have a bigger plan for me. I feel angry and somewhat resentful to my husband who has taken this opportunity away from me. I even find myself pulling away from close friends that have kids b/c I don't "fit in". I see the drug babies....I see the moms who have had 15 kids....it is so hard. And I just keep thinking "why God why? I did everything right." Why am I being punished? I say "well....maybe I would be a terrible mother." But I know I would be a great mom. I just can't accept it and need to. Everyone says to leave my husband...but through thick and thin...he truly is the love of my life (although very selfish). Who is to say I could even ever have kids if I left? Then what? I don't know what to do. I just wanted to say...thanks for the article. Although I don't have infertility....I understand.
    posted by Julie
    on Sunday, August 10, 2014 at 3:04 pm
  135. I want to be a mom so bad. I know God didn't cause me to be this way. I'm angry about people who have children and don't care about them. It is unfair. But it is what it is. I am still His daughter.

    I don't want to give up my desire to be a mommy. I hope and pray one day I will be able to adopt. I can't turn myself away from wanting to be a mommy. If I do, then, what's my role on earth?
    posted by Dawna Rae Lovejoy
    on Thursday, October 16, 2014 at 1:56 am
  136. Dawna Rae,

    It has been my honor to pray for you today, my friend! You are going through some very difficult times as you wait for the desires of your heart. God created women to be “life givers”. That’s part of our purpose on earth. It can be fulfilled through birth, adoption or loving on the kids in a Sunday school class or in your neighborhood. We believe “Children are a blessing from God; women are uniquely designed to be bearers and nurturers of life whether it be their own biological or adopted children or other children in their sphere of influence.”

    Nancy Leigh DeMoss expounded on how we can nurture life in others in this broadcast: http://tinyurl.com/q7o2omh. I hope you take the time to listen to this (and the other broadcasts in the series). I’m praying that God will comfort you as only He can. And I’m asking Him to show you ways you can be a life giver in the lives of those around you as you fulfill your purpose in life.

    Serving Him,
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Thursday, October 16, 2014 at 12:42 pm
  137. I am going through the same thing that many of the woman out there are going through, and many of us men hate being alone with no love life right now. I can certainly speak for myself that i wanted to meet a good woman to settle down with and have a family which never happened for me since my wife cheated on me, and now i am all alone myself. Makes me wonder why would God bless so many others with a love life and not us, and without a doubt that we're the forgotten ones.
    posted by Sad But True
    on Wednesday, October 22, 2014 at 3:28 pm
  138. Thank you for posting, Lesley. We are sorry to hear of such hurt in your life. We certainly don't want to make it worse by taking down the post, but we needed to because of our guidelines. I know it doesn't help, but we do care and we do pray for you. May God meet you in your sorrow.
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Sunday, November 2, 2014 at 9:01 pm
  139. This is such a nice article, thank you for this. I'm 24, and I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder since I was 14, it is Gods grace that I am perfectly healthy and normal, however one problem, I cannot conceive. Have consulted alot, however as this is a genetic problem there is no cure. I have been on hormone replacement therapy since then, and I get my monthly periods through that, however, I have absolutely no ray of hope and I got to know my doors are closed for conception since very early.

    Now comes the tricky part, to find a life partner and a family who will accept me with such a problem. It is very difficult, at least many of the people here have their spouse with them to support, but what do you do when nobody would marry you knowing your problem, and sadly you cannot hide such things either as it creates problems in the future.

    I have no clue what plans God has in store for me, that only time will tell. I know the pain of not being able to conceive, and not being loved either. I hope to reach out to all through my story, to just remain positive in life always, as I have always been. If there are many parents who cannot conceive, there are many children who do not have parents either, I do not see any harm in balancing the equation. Keep smiling in life always and the world will smile along with you, staying true to my blood group, I'm being positive, lets hope miracles do work in the world.
    posted by Anonymous
    on Wednesday, December 3, 2014 at 7:47 am
  140. @Anonymous...yes, you have indeed known heartache. My heart goes out to you. Nancy DeMoss always says, "Anything that causes me to need God is good." It doesn't "feel" like it, but is in the clinging to Him for His help that we know Him more intimately-- and that is the true goodness of life. We appreciate your perspective on trusting God and looking for His hand in your life. Joni Tada spoke at our last TW Conference. I think you would really appreciate her words of testimony, for she did find the miracle of marriage, even though she could never conceive, but more than that, she has found a relationship with Jesus that gives joy and peace beyond measure to her life! You will find the video here: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2942. May you be blessed!
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Thursday, December 4, 2014 at 12:52 pm
  141. Ihave prayed to my god so many times to bless me with a baby I love baby's ,kids and I feel like i deserves a baby God please bless god
    posted by Regina smith
    on Wednesday, January 7, 2015 at 10:01 pm
  142. We have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years.. I have always said that I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother and it is so discouraging that every month I'm not pregnant. I get so jealous of other women who get pregnant and have babies. I know that it says in the bible that you should not be jealous of someone and I've been trying to work on that. I want to put God first, before everything, including pregnancy. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't know where to go from here..
    posted by Keely
    on Wednesday, January 14, 2015 at 2:15 pm
  143. @Keely...We sure are sorry to hear of all the disappointment and discouragement you are enduring. It has been a pleasure to pray for you this afternoon (Gal. 6:2), asking God to give you grace as He works His purposes. I pray He will give you patient endurance ("May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ." 2 Thess. 3:5) in these months and will give you His peace. "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 15:13 ) I encourage you, Keely, to take your eyes off of the pregnancy and turn them to Jesus. Look to-- (set your mind on)--look to love Him more each month and learn to trust Him with His sovereign plans and purposes. I know this is difficult as it is the desire of your heart to know His presence and also to know the goodness of His provision for you and your husband. Keep looking up; stay in His Word daily; talk to Him throughout the day entrusting every emotion, every thought and every hurt to Him over and over. He will meet you in your need "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows]." (Psalm 147:3) I am praying for you.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Wednesday, January 14, 2015 at 3:41 pm
  144. Well I am just searching for answers but just see myself in a state of shock becuase I am always a firm beliver in god until I realise that his words doe not reflex with my life struggles. I have several miscarriages, the sheer sense of loneliness is so overwhelming. I talk to him day and night but he never comforts my heart. Poeple that I was always been there for just turn their back on me, I felt as if god treats me the same way friends does treats me.

    Coming home from church into a lonely house while he provided husbands and children for others, if you have no desire for children, then you can cope with that but I feel as if god is punishing me for something I never do. Iv'e seen people doing abortions and within a couple of months they are pregnat again with no problem. When I am ill and needed even a friend, no one is there, they are all too busy, even though I was their rock during their hardship, I can be called upon at any given time of the day becuase Iv'e got no one.

    He fill their quiver and gives them a happy family. What about us who are hurting each and every single day? People talking about getting involved into actives, I don't need activity, I have no desire to do that. He said be fruitful and multiply, where is the husband you gave ? and why allow us to have miscarriages. I desire to work and buy a home, and if I said you bless me with a home, then it's a empty one. How do you expect me to continue to go to church and clapping and prasing while am hurting all these years ?

    Having a talk with god is like speaking to the walls that will not give you any answers. I have never had bad intentions towards other's irrespective of my PROBLEMS, He said He's a Just God, how does justice equates into my life under these harsh elements ? I have never gotten things that easily, I have to toiled extremely hard and even so I never felt his help. Reading the bible doesn't even amke any sense to me becuase there's hardly anything in it that I believe anymore, Iv'e waiting for years and no sucess or reponse that I can say this it's Gods doings. Every help I offer to people and now I came to realise that doing things Gods way only create more problems in my life.

    There comes a time when you want to be loved and feel appreciated and not to feel used and abuse by other because of your kindhearted. Iv'e been there for people who are pregnant, regardless of my losses and the moment they gave birth, they turn their back on me, it hurt soo deep that not even God himself would dear understand becuase if He does, He would heal my brokenheart. Whe I was in the hospital, did he send anyone there for me ? NO, but yet He palce me in the position to be there for others, how can I turst Him ?

    Iv'e been a christian since I was 16 and that was my core foundation over the years but never knew at this age and stage in my life I have to question who he is, all who have children and husband and things are ok with then, they would say trust God and believe because they think you are not doing something right, but that's not true, they have never walked in our shoe before. Whenever people asking me for help I told them to go to god who gives them husband and children but I cannot help them. I am bitter and there's nothing in the bible I can read to give me comfort. God is a spirit and I cannot have sex with him or cuddle with him becuase he made us human. He said there's nothing that we are going through that He doesn't undrestand, so why not remedy the situation ? Again He said I will not give you more than you can bear, that I don't believe becuase what I am going through is too much for a human being.

    If I never experience who He is then I would say differently but I see Him work before and He said He never change but I felt totally let down by God, I wasnt asking for much but yet people whi never ask seems to get, what am asking for that is so difficult for Him to do ? I never sk of riches becuase I am not incline on material things. I ask for a husband and to have my own children, I never had the desire all on my own, it's a desire he gave me. When He made adam, he said he would be lonley, hence he made eve as a handmade, so in my own words, god is prejudicde then, becuase He chose to give adam a wife but not to give eve a husband.

    How can I see any justice in this for God who said He's a just God ? The home that I have I ma the one that works extremely hard and save to buy it, it wasn't given to me , these are things that any human can acheive but, bearing your own seed is not up to human but to him the creator whcih is the basic thing any human could ever desire to have, it's like having a job. I am soooo disappointed in my walk with God is so fustrating. People can only speculate on how you are and what you are not doing right but they will never know until they walk in your shoe. Thinking pure towards otheres has never worked for me becuase now I know I was only fooling myself in believeing in things that will never happen if it's His will.
    posted by monika
    on Saturday, March 28, 2015 at 12:08 pm
  145. Monika,

    I’m so sorry to hear of all the difficulties you are going through and have gone through, Monika! I wish I could hug away your hurts and encourage you to battle through your emotions and trust that God does love you and cares very deeply about you. Our enemy has an innate way of taking these difficult times, causing us to focus on our emotions and pain and in so doing, twisting our view of God into something that is not true. It is so important to keep taking our feelings and our thoughts back to Scripture and make sure that they line up with the Truths that are found there. Scripture never changes and will always speak Truth about God.

    If we do not do that, bitterness can set in, as you have experienced. One of the best ways to counter bitterness is to fight it with gratitude. Elizabeth Elliott once said, “It is always possible to be grateful for what is given rather than resentful over what is withheld. One or the other will become a way of life.”

    Revive Our Hearts has a 30-Day Choosing Gratitude Challenge that you can use to begin to transform your thoughts and your heart. You can find it here: http://tinyurl.com/pa49xnd.

    I’ve paused and prayed for you today and have asked God to draw near to you and to give you the strength and courage to believe in who He says He is as you trust your past, your present and your future to Him.

    Serving Him,
    posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
    on Tuesday, March 31, 2015 at 5:41 pm
  146. My wife Christy and I have been going through a tough time over the almost eight years together. Christy has Diabetes, Advanced rheumatoid arthritis, and a blood clot disorder. She has gone through a miscarriage before me. She has also been in a roll over accident, where she tore her rotator cuff off the bone. A few years back she found out that she had cysts by her ovaries. The doctor told us that there would be a chance they would have to do a hysterectomy. Because we were at a religious hospital, the possibility of harvesting the eggs was not an option. The outcome was not good and she had the hysterectomy.
    This woman that I love with all I am has been through and continues to go through so much more physical and mental pain then anyone can ever imagine. Her friend has just recently had a baby and needless to say, all those feelings continue without end. I'm looking for women who have had similar issues. She really needs someone to talk to.
    posted by Scott Hudgens
    on Monday, April 27, 2015 at 12:12 am
  147. @Scott...Wow, your sweet wife has indeed suffered...as I am sure you too have suffered along with her. Our hearts go out to you and Christy. We do indeed pray and entrust you to the sovereign God who watches over you and cares for you. We have a Prayer Team that prays for those who write us; be assured of our prayers for Christy at this time as she deals with the unfulfilled longings of her heart. Bless you both, Scott. "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, and so has my hope from the LORD'…Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I have hope in Him.' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the one who seeks Him" (Lam. 3:17-25).

    Our guidelines prohibit sharing personal contact information for others to contact your wife, Scott. I pray God will open up a contact there in your church or community of faith that can walk alongside Christy and lift her up and encourage her--praying with and for her.

    It is wonderful she has a husband like you that cares for her needs and reaches out to find her help. God bless you. "We also pray that you will be strengthened with His glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need. May you be filled with joy" (Col. 1:11) -- as only He can do.
    posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
    on Monday, April 27, 2015 at 4:05 pm

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