that road, too. I've had my times of sobbing in private after a friend tells me she's expecting. Ranting at God it's unfair that I can't have a child when there are all sorts of people who don't even care about Him who seem to have no problem at all. Those painful Mother's Day church services as I watched all the beaming mothers stand up around me and knew it was a club I was not a member of.But I'm not writing this post to tell you how painful infertility can be. You already know that. Instead, I want to share some ways to cope and ways God used this suffering in my life to shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be.
Find someone to talk to.
As you see babies, babies, and more babies around you, it's hard to imagine anyone can even relate to what you're going through. Yes, your spouse can. And you should talk with him about it. But I found many times my husband needed a break from all the "why can't we have a baby" talk. Plus, I think another woman better understands how your identity as a woman can feel so tied to the ability to bear children.
But before you seek someone out, I would strongly encourage you to first ask God who it should be. Ask Him to show you someone who is sensitive enough to really listen and mature enough in their faith to help you see Him through your pain and slowly move beyond it.
Eventually, I found some mature Christian friends whom I could talk to amidst my struggle—some of whom had experienced similar things and others who had several children. Something that was extremely helpful was a Bible study/support group I formed with another woman from my church. Getting together with other women in similar situations, sharing our struggles, and studying God's Word with the purpose of spiritual growth was a tremendous time of healing.
Don't neglect time in God's Word.
As you long for a child, it's easy to start to blame God. He's the Creator of life, after all, so why doesn't He create a life within me?
Even if you feel this way, don't stop spending time with Him through reading His Word and prayer. Tell Him how you're feeling. He can take it, and best of all, He understands. Search the Bible for words of comfort (the Psalms is the place where I often went), for wisdom, for understanding, for faith to trust Him.
Different women need to learn different things through their infertility journey. Maybe it's understanding the character of God—that He never changes, that He's good no matter what. Maybe, like me, you need to understand that God's gift of children is not about whether you deserve it or not. That God gives different blessings to different people, and that I wasn't able to enjoy the blessings He had given me because I was too consumed with looking at the blessing of children in other people's lives and thinking, Now why didn't He give me that?
I think Jesus outlines that principle for us in the parable of the workers in Matthew 20:1–16. God does with His favor what He pleases. It's not about who we think deserves it or what we think is fair. As my pastor has said, "The distribution of God's favor depends completely on His sovereign grace and does not conform to human expectations or norms."
Get your focus off yourself.
One pitfall of infertility (and any form of suffering for that matter) that I fell into was focusing on myself and my own pain. All I could think about was my struggle, my hurt, my problem. But God led me out of that narrow viewpoint to remind me every single person here on earth has some sort of pain or suffering they've gone through, are going through, or will go through in the future. In fact, my infertility now seems like a small thing compared to the illnesses, injuries, emotional pain, etc., that others I know have experienced.
By taking my focus off myself, I was also able to see the ways God had blessed me and to be grateful to Him. Eventually, I was also able to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18), even the circumstance of infertility. I wasn't necessarily thankful for my infertility, but I was thankful God was walking beside me through all the ups and downs and for how He changed me in the process. And as I've shared my story with others, I've been thankful for some strengthened family relationships and opportunities to encourage other women who are going through the same struggles.
Surrender your desires to God.
Probably the most important thing you can do in the midst of infertility is to surrender your hopes, your desires, and your future to God. That's easier said than done, I know. I clenched my fingers around wanting to have a child for a very long time. Then one day, I heard a sermon that I knew God meant just for me (at least it seemed that way). The pastor examined the story of Abraham in Genesis 22, when God asked him to sacrifice that long-awaited gift of a son. As the pastor delved into the Scripture, he challenged the congregation to examine our own hearts and identify "our Isaac." What was it that we loved more than anything else? Were we willing to put that on the altar and say, "God, if you want it, you can have it?"
I left that morning in tears, knowing my desire for children was number one in my life—not my relationship with God. I knew that surrendering this desire didn't mean God would automatically cause me to get pregnant (which He didn't) or that the struggle would completely go away (it didn't either). But what I did find was peace—the peace of knowing God was in control of my life no matter what He did or did not bless me with. In fact, I was able to echo the words of David in Psalm 16: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance (vv. 5–6).
Maybe my cup wasn't filled with what I wanted or the boundary lines hadn't fallen exactly as I planned, but they were assigned to me by the Creator of the universe, the most powerful God, the One who loves me and gave His life for me.
Maybe you're struggling with this issue today or maybe you're not. No matter what you're going through, ask yourself: What's your Isaac? What is God asking you to surrender to Him today?
Leave a Comment:
We love hearing from you, and will post your comment as long as it is appropriate, and is written in a tone that is encouraging, edifying, and loving to others. Even then, know that the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts.
Comments
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
I recognize God is the perfect Father and has my best interest in mind, so even though I am not getting what I desire right now I am trusting that God's plans for me are "for good and not for evil" and therefore have found I can rest secure in my Father's competent hands and have peace during an otherwise trying time.
Psalm 16:5-6 are a great reminder for me today that He has given me so much more than I deserve.
The inheritance of the saints, regardless of what blessings we enjoy here on earth, is the only thing of any true and lasting value! I am so blessed!
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:40 am
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 3:08 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I've been married three years. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for most of our marriage and haven't been able to. I haven't gone to my doctor to get any exams or anything done, but I'm terribly afraid that he'll tell us we can't have children. I don't think I've been this scared in a long time. I really wish to hear that we can have kids but for some reason I feel like we won't. God's been opening my heart up to the idea of adoption and I think I'm being slowly prepared to hear the news I'd never imagined I'd have to hear, but I still feel so scared.
I know I rambled, but thank you for listening/reading.
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Your counsel is good for all seasons of life. Like you said, its learning to daily lay down our Isaacs. I hold onto the promise in Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."
Learning to be thankful for the GOOD the Lord has already provided.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 6:23 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:09 am
Every time God says "No." It is for a very good reason and we need to submit to His Wisdom even though we may think it painful. It is after all, All for His Glory and His purpose and it is about Him and not us.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:25 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:27 am
I married a man with children. I helped him raise his 2 teens and then a precious granddaughter whom I had the privilege of taking care of while her mommie worked. They lived with us for awhile, so I had her 24/7 when I was not on business trips. She now has an energetic son who is in K this year.
I have also had the privilege to work with children in church in VBS and choir. I sub in the public school system and love being with the children.
One of my passengers told me one time that she and her husband had fostered a large # of children, and that many still kept in touch. She told me that God makes 2 kinds of trees: Fruit trees and Shade trees, and that she and I are shade trees. That helped me so very much as I struggled to accept my barrenness.
My husband didn't really want any more children as he already had a girl and a boy. However, after he saw me w/our granddaughter he told me if he had known how good I was w/children we could have tried harder. I struggled with that comment for a long time. I was angry with him. I had to come to God and seek His forgiveness. He showed me that ultimately, He is in control. If God had wanted me to become pg, I would have.
God does give us the desires of our hearts, but not always in the way we think they should be given. I have great joy in the children He has allowed into my life. I agree with the lady that said that those of us who are barren have opportunities to minister in other ways.
Thank you for teaching me that my main focus should be on God and not on what I have or don't have. In this season of life, I am surrounded with clutter and am trying to find ways to give things away. As I pray over this, God brings to mind someone who needs what I have, and I am learning to release not only my desires to Him but also my possessions so that I can be free to fill my life with Him.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 9:29 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
Thanks for sharing about your struggle with infertility. I want to extend my congratulations on the miracle that you are expecting in May. I pray for the safe arrival of this little one and that God would flood you with peace during this waiting time.
In Christ,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
I so appreciate your vulnerability in what you shared. I remember feeling the same fear that you describe--what if my doctor says I can’t have children? How can I ever get through that?
I pray that God would give you peace about that area of your life and help you surrender those desires to Him. And if He is leading you toward adoption, I pray that He will give you and your husband wisdom and direction in that process. My husband and I did adopt a little boy two years ago, and he brings us such joy. I can’t say that adoption completely erases the pain of infertility. But what we had longed for was to parent a child, and God has given us that gift. Plus, we have a new appreciation for God’s grace and mercy.
In Christ,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:35 am
Thank you for your honesty in your comment. My heart goes out to you in your struggle.
It wasn’t my intent for the article to focus just on those who have miscarried, but for all who have struggled with infertility, particularly as I have never had a miscarriage. My heart hurts for those women I know who have undergone this suffering. It’s not something I can completely understand. But I also know that for those who have never been able to get pregnant, we experience a different kind of grief.
I also wanted to respond to the male aspect of infertility opposed to the female. Just as our identity as women can sometimes be tied up to the ability to bear children, men also struggle with that, but in a different way. I know some women who have been in the exact situation that you are, and I would say the best thing you can do is pray for your husband. For us women, it helps to find another woman to talk about these things. But men don’t seek out that same kind of help, particularly when it comes to this issue. I know my friend’s husband struggled with feeling like he was less of a man and that he wouldn’t be able to continue his family line. So pray, pray, and pray some more for your husband, that God would help him to see God’s truth in this matter and not Satan’s lies, that God would help him to come to a place of peace and acceptance and surrender this “Isaac” or any others that he’s holding on to.
One other thing that I would suggest is that when it comes to infertility, it’s important not to think of it as “your husband’s problem” or “my problem.” You are a couple. In fact, Genesis 2:24 says that as husband and wife, you are “one flesh.” You are in this together. Infertility is something that both of you have to deal with.
Praying for you,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:42 am
I can relate too to crying everytime I hear someone else is expecting. It's so nice to hear I'm not alone...not that I want anyone else to go through this, but you know what I mean.
God is so good and I have so many blessings in my life! I love that my husband and I have so much time to ourselves to enjoy each others company. God has blessed us in so many ways! I do know God has planned our life from before the creation of the world and He knows what He's doing. It's just hard to trust at times. But in the end we will see why God has brought us through this difficult time and be able to thank Him for it.
I'll pray for each person who can relate to this blog and may the Lord bless each of us in His perfect timing w/ perfect gifts that only He can give!
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't both of our 'problems'. I never ever tell people "he is infertile", I always make a point to say "we are infertile", but from a private stand point, I struggle to know how to approach the subject and look for answers but mostly those that I find just address the woman's aspect of a "closed womb". And I think to myself, "My womb isn't closed, it's open!" So I guess that my point was that there is a struggle other than that of just the woman, that even though it is "we" that are infertile in a relationship, it isn't ALWAYS the woman struggling with the inability to have a child. The struggle is maybe that she CAN have a child, but is unable to because of circumstances not having to do with her body. And that she has to be the one to reassure her husband when he is the one feeling guilty over not providing.
Thanks for your responses!
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:11 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:48 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 4:04 pm
http://pastorway.blogspot.com/2007/01/gods-providential-exception-barren-womb.html
http://pastorway.blogspot.com/2007/01/gods-providential-exception-barren-womb_12.html
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=10200543618
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 1:38 am
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 11:13 am
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:23 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm
My monthly periods stopped in 1998 when I was 20 y.o. and was eventually declared to have secondary ovarian failure, read menopausal at 20! God has been gracious and I got married to a loving man 4 years ago to whom I disclosed my situation in advance. I believe it is important, if you already know you have a problem, to disclose prior to marriage. We were able to talk about options and are in the process of adoption.
The Lord continues to wipe away our tears and we've submitted ourselves to His will and purpose for our lives. Really that's all that matters: that we serve God's purpose in our generation!
on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 12:29 am
We've been married for a little over 8 years now, and our home is still childless. It's so very hard, and part of me wants to keep scouring the internet looking for that one article that will contain THE secret to getting me pregnant...all the while knowing that even if my body worked perfectly and I was as fertile as Michelle Duggar, I'd still only get pregnant if God ordained it and allowed it.
So now, in the meantime, I'm working on selflessness toward the young mothers we serve at church (my husband is a pastor), and in spending time with my mom, whose greatest joy - being grandmother to my brother's kids - results in some horribly insensitive comments. Because I've tried to share some of the grief with her, she thinks she understands. She so does not. So I can second the advice in the post to be careful who you talk to.
I'd like to get someone's take on this concept, though: Is it wrong to NOT pursue adoption? There are some women around me who think that because I can't get pregnant that it's my duty (with my husband) to adopt. But can we decide to remain a family of two and serve the Lord full-time, and STILL be Godly? Or is it "required" (for lack of a better term) that, as Christians who delight (most of the time) to follow the Lord, we reproduce through children in our home?
on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I can relate to what Mindy shared about putting her dream of having a baby above her relationship with God.
I am a single mom by an unplanned divorce and find myself struggling with the same things many times; looking around at all the other "families" and wishing God would fufill my dreams for a husband and more children.
God has NOT allowed that to happen and is teaching me this one truth: ONLY HE can satisfy that place in my heart that I would like to fill with "family dreams" God IS and has always been, my source of all things. Nothing will satisfy our hearts like Him! We have to get this!
So now, I am changing my focus to seek God for that fufillment instead of seeking God for my other desires and dreams. I am looking forward to such freedom and peace!!!
Thank you for sharing, Mindy....
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 5:53 am
Are we the same person:)? My husband is a pastor, and we have been married a little over 8 years. We are at the end of our fertility treatments. I have been praying about adoption and feeling the pressure from others.
I have started a ministry for the discipleship of young women within the past year and a half. We are pouring out into college students and young adults consistently. I know I would not have the extent of this privilege if we had children (even though I really want them).
A few weeks ago, I came to a point of surrender with God--whatever He has is best--that my reward is not here on this earth--this is not my home. I guess I gave up my Isaac. I have NO idea what He will bring, but I rest in Him.
The comment earlier about being "shade trees" touched my heart to the core. I wept. That is what God has been using us as--shade. I just wonder if that is our portion in this life or if we must adopt? I still have some grieving to do before the decision is made.
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 10:42 am
It always amazes me how God can link people together with similar stories. Surrendering this "Isaac" continues to be a daily laying-down for me. God has been teaching me recently that grief and contentment aren't mutually exclusive. In my teaching, I'm KNOW they aren't, but in practice, as the grief grew stronger, I started thinking I was failing God or something, like my tears indicated a heart not at rest. I no longer think that's the case, but I still have a hard time grieving. I wonder if that's why the adoption decision is a hard one to make.
As I was talking through some of this with my husband last night, he mentioned the promise that the Father will make (is making) all things new. He wondered aloud if this is one of those things God will somehow "make right" for me, at the end of all things. Lines up with what the Father taught you about this not being our home. A thought for me to ponder. I can't remember who said it, but someone has said that what God has ordained for our lives is exactly what we would choose if we knew what He knows.
"Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.
"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'...LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
"I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices...because You will not abandon me... You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."
(Psalm 16, NIV)
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 11:19 am
Thanks everyone for their comments and perspectives. Very much appreciated. Wish we could all get together for lunch : )
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 11:08 am
The decision that God doesn't want to give is really hard to live with. I take comfort that his wisdom and love is forever abounding and never faltering.
Blessed be the name of the Lord... our lives are in his hands.
We can't stand still and must take short steps forward even if it's with tears.
Love in Christ,
Andy
on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 4:35 am
on Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 8:47 am
on Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm
The Struggle is Over. Thank you Jesus
on Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 11:29 pm
on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 5:11 pm
i am writing in reference to comments made by BMS.
BMS - I am in the same position as you. I do not follow this faith but belong to another religion.
Anyway i too beleive in a God and pray he will heal the sadness that women such as we have. BMS has actaully very honoustly told what she feels. and beleive me, that is what i feel too. We have to accept infertiltiy in a totally different way. Maybe only women who have this experience will undestand how hard and different this is.
on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 4:46 am
on Monday, March 1, 2010 at 11:33 pm
One comment I have for the person who wrote in about her husband being the problem... It doesn't matter if it is Your FAULT or His- you are 2 in one flesh. You have the problem together. We are going to adopt-you can both be parents that way. I heard someone say once.. in families you are born into them- with adoption you were CHOSEN- what an HONOR to be chosen.:) Your baby may not be born in your belly...but is sure was born in your heart.:)
on Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I'm so sorry 'wishing'. I feel your pain of being unable to have a baby. I too sometimes feel angry. I once looked up and shouted 'God. Why me?'. I know God is not angry with women like us. He understands us. I know the feeling we have is not the dirty/mean 'anger'. it is a helpless/innocent anger.
on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:08 am
http://azoospermia-cure.blogspot.com/
on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:09 am
I would love to know how other people can say that this is God's plan! I was only 22 and have had the most precious thing to a woman ripped out of me! I was bearly given enough time to think about having children let alone have them!
on Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Thank you for sharing your situation. My heart hurts for you as you’re going through this trial of infertility, not to mention being a cancer survivor at such a young age.
As for people saying this is God’s plan for you, the only thing I can say is I don’t know what God’s specific plan is for your life in regard to children. That is something only He knows. What I do know is He does have a plan. In Jeremiah 29:11, He says, “For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
While it may seem difficult right now to see much hope when your plans and dreams for the future don’t seem possible, please know that when we put our trust in Jesus Christ, there is always hope—not just in this life but eternally.
Another thing that I hope will give you some encouragement today is that God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). Throughout my own infertility journey, it was difficult to see how God could do something “more than I asked or imagined,” when what I was asking for was to be pregnant and have a baby. But He did. In our case, one way was allowing us to have a family through the adoption of a wonderful little baby boy. He’s now 2 ½ and the joy of my life. If things had worked out according to my plans and my timetable, I never would have known him let alone had him as my son.
Not being able to have children is a tough road to walk as a woman. But I would encourage you not to walk it alone. Find another Christian woman whom you can talk with. And most of all, spend time in God’s Word and talk to Him about it. Be honest with Him about your feelings—anger, depression, sadness and anything else you feel. Ask Him to help you trust Him in the situation when you don’t understand what He’s doing. One book that really helped me is called “Water From the Rock: Finding God’s Comfort in the Midst of Infertility” by Becky Garrett, Donna Gibbs, and Phyllis Rabon.
Praying for you,
Mindy
on Wednesday, March 31, 2010 at 10:50 am
on Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 3:09 pm
on Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 12:47 pm
on Friday, April 23, 2010 at 10:05 am
on Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 6:40 am
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I’m so glad that you commented on this post and am honored that you would share your fears and struggles with us on the blog. You are a young woman who’s seeking after God—so of course you belong here!
First, I want to say that I’m very glad you told your mother and that she is having you go see a doctor. It’s important that you get medical help. Whether you have endometriosis or not, your doctor can provide treatment that can help your symptoms. It’s also important that you get treated now, as health problems that are not taken care of can actually make fertility problems worse.
I also want to tell you that even if you have endometriosis, that does not necessarily mean you can’t have children. Yes, it is often a cause for infertility, but not always. In fact, I have a friend with a severe case who is pregnant with her fourth child.
I can relate to your fears that you won’t be able to have children. I struggled with that, too. I was so afraid that I would never realize my dream of being a mother and refused to surrender that desire to God for a long time. But over time, God showed me that even if that dream didn’t come true, I could still trust Him and that He had good things planed for my life—“plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Another verse that helped me when the idea of a future with no children made me feel claustrophobic and that I would be alone forever is Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
When I surrendered my fears to the Lord, He gave me peace whether I ever became a mother or not. He did fulfill that dream—first through adoption and then through a surprise pregnancy—but even if He hadn’t, I knew it would be OK.
I don’t know what God has planned for you, Beth, but I pray that He would help you surrender your fears to Him. I hope that you can talk to your mom about these things. I would also encourage you to seek out another godly woman you could talk to—maybe your youth pastor’s wife or another older woman in your church. I would also encourage you to look up verses that talk about the character of God. A good place to start might be Isaiah 40-41, the Psalms, and the book of John. As you learn about who God is and that He never changes and can be trusted, I pray that you will find peace and rest.
May God bless you,
Mindy
on Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 10:18 pm
on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 9:59 pm
on Friday, October 8, 2010 at 9:19 pm
I've heard the cliches over and over: God will never give you more than you can handle; God has a plan for everyone...etc. I don't buy any of it really. God also tells us in the Bible that if we earnestly follow him, we will not be barren. That he will restore the barren woman's womb. Man is told to "Be fruitful and increase in number" and to "fill the earth." So, how is one ever supposed to feel as if they're being shown God's favor when they cannot even follow the commands he gives? You can't pick and choose what you want to believe and not believe in the Bible. There are many specific instances where fertility or a lack of fertility are directly related to what people did or didn't do.
I'm tired of being told that I'm blessed despite my infertility. I've recently reached my breaking point. My husband works 70 hours a week right now, and I rarely see him. We have been alienated from our families and don't have time for friends...we can't even go to church because we have to work. We get up every morning and just have to go through motions with no apparent end in sight to this mundane life we're stuck in. There have been times recently where I've not been able to buy groceries or pay our utilities and have had to simply do without. My husband has even had multiple job opportunities at his fingertips that could completely change our lives, but the doors to those opportunities seem to close very suddenly and strangely every time we get close. We both have thousands to repay in student loans, and are out of options for what to do.
Many of you will judge and say that we lack in spirituality. We've prayed in earnest for guidance and peace. We've sought God, but haven't found Him. We all know the story of Job. He was put through the worst of the worst. He was one of the most upstanding men of God-mature in his faith and upright. He prayed and prayed and the relief he prayed for wouldn't come because he was being made an example of. I'm sorry, but I've never been as mature in my faith as Job. I've tried to grow and mature, but have always known I am still far, far away from where Job was when he was tested. How is someone supposed to make it through such a trial when they aren't adequately equipped? I'm sorry, but it is unfair. If I were destined not to have children, God could have wired me differently. I've always believed my passion to become a mother and have children with my husband was from God. So now, I get to look forward to spending months at a time alone while my husband gets deployed-since going back to the military is his only option now. Not a very bright future.
on Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 12:40 pm
We’re so glad the Lord led you to this page. I’m sorry the Lord has not yet given you a child, Markitta. I know that is difficult when you are longing to be a mommy.
But you are right; the most important thing right now is where you are in your relationship with Jesus. I wonder if you have come to a point, where you’ve placed your trust in Jesus and His shed blood as the only way for you to enter into a relationship with God. (John 20:31). This is the only way to experience His peace and direction in your life, Markitta.
Please take time to read more about this important relationship at: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/rightwithgod/gospel.php
I'm praying for you, Markitta and would love to talk more about this with you. Let me know what you think.
on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 11:53 am
You are indeed in difficult and painful circumstances. My heart goes out to you. You are facing so many situations that are trying and seem hopeless. I know you don’t want to hear more clichés, and I don’t blame you…but this I want you to know. God does love you and cares about you and we do too.
Your life is hard…I certainly don’t understand why He has not answered and given you and your husband children, and particularly His peace and direction. The only thing you can do is accept by faith that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do.
In the midst of these trials, I would encourage you to take a baby step of faith. Would you consider bowing before the Heavenly Father and pray that He would work in such a way that you will see His hand in your life? Take 1 week and pray the following Scriptures to the Lord each morning. See if He doesn’t work and soften your heart and heartache in the midst of so much pain and trouble. He is all you have, Laura. I pray you will not close yourself off from His grace and mercy.
Pray these excerpts from Psalm 86:1-17--
Incline Thine ear, O LORD, and answer me;
O Thou my God, save Thy servant who trusts in Thee. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to Thee I cry all day long. Make glad the soul of Thy servant,
for to Thee, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer; and give heed to the voice of my supplications! In the day of my trouble I shall call upon Thee, for Thou wilt answer me.
There is no one like Thee among the gods, O Lord;
nor are there any works like Thine. For Thou art great and doest wondrous deeds;Thou alone art God.
I will give thanks to Thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. For Thy lovingkindness toward me is great.
But Thou, O Lord, art a God merciful and gracious…abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me;oh grant Thy strength to Thy servant.
Show me a sign for good…because Thou, O LORD, hast helped me and comforted me.
Blessings to you. We appreciate your sharing your comments, Laura.
on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 11:59 pm
on Monday, October 25, 2010 at 7:24 pm
i think this is nothing but bad luck. thats my opinion. very bad luck.
on Monday, November 22, 2010 at 7:24 am
My heart goes out to you and all those who suffer the anguish of infertility. I’m truly sorry for the pain you and your husband have known on this journey. I agree, from a human perspective it seems very unfair that those longing to conceive would be unable to do so.
I wish I could relieve your heart ache by answering your question of “ why”; I cannot. But based upon the Word of God, I can assure you that your life and circumstances are in the hands of a loving, sovereign, compassionate God whose ways are so much higher than our own ( Isaiah 55:9, 46:9-11). He is the God who sees every tear that falls (Ps. 56:8) and carries us through the darkest of trials In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9NLT). He is also the God who opens and closes the womb (Gen. 20:17-18; Gen. 30:22) and the God who can be trusted with our future (Jer. 29:11).
Scripture records several instances of those who struggled with infertility including Sarah, Hannah, Rachel and Elizabeth.
Elizabeth’s story (Luke 1) especially intrigues me. She and her husband had longed and prayed for a child for years. Yet even in their old age Elizabeth remained barren…until the proper time. You see, Ellen, they were simply praying for a baby, but God intended to entrust them with the one who would become the forerunner of Jesus Christ. God’s plans far exceeded what they could ever have imagined or dreamed – their son, John, would be the one to prepare the hearts of the people for the coming Messiah.
God’s ways are not our ways, Ellen, and though I surely do not presume to know what the Lord has in mind for you and your husband, I can assure you of this – if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ your prayers are being heard and answered ( Luke 1:13; Psalm 139:4) and He is working all things together for your good and HIs glory ( Rom. 8:28). You can rest knowing that, dear friend.
Praying for you tonight ~
Carrie
on Wednesday, November 24, 2010 at 6:03 pm
on Thursday, December 23, 2010 at 2:51 am
We have heard many of these things before--surrender your desires to God, etc. To be honest, I could really use advice as to how to truly surrender to God. I've tried praying. I've prayed and asked God to take away my desires if I'm not meant to become a mother, but the desires are still there. Also, I've been going through "the crucible," as my husband put it. I've had the misfortune of knowing 8 or 9 women now who are pregnant, including my own sister, and some of them can't even care for the children they already have. Seeing that is very difficult. I'm hoping to read some books about where to find God in the hard times as a New Year's Resolution, because these are definitely the hardest times of our lives. All of the innocence is gone, your faith is broken, and your dreams of a large family are shattered.
We are approved to adopt, which of itself was a huge miracle. But so far, no birthparents have wanted to choose us. We are very discouraged along that avenue, too, because it could take years and years for that to happen, if at all.
I'm wondering if God will ever change my heart and take away my desires to be a mother if we aren't meant to have children. It really eats away at me, day after day, and is hard for me to cope with infertility right now (especially during the holiday season).
on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm
on Saturday, January 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm
on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 2:49 pm
My name is Melissa and I live in Sydney, Australia. I came across your website and article by accident, so I thought, The Lord must have had other plan though. Every single thing you put in that article is absolutely spot on for me. Where you mention about being in church on mothers days when all I want to do is hide under the chair. My husband and I tried for a child for about 10 - 12 months then as a last resort we did the IVF "twice", although at both times I didn't even get to the stage of having any eggs retrieved as my ovaries had not and rejected the series of injections to stimulate my ovaries to grow 1 or 2 eggs. The end result was they were to small and would not of been able to be viable. Yes! I can agree that I have said its not fair and why not me, yesterday I had a friend email me with her news that she and her husband are expecting and she is 9 weeks. Thats probably why I have been upset this morning and still do not feel the best. I know of what you said is totally true but I do not understand why the Lord has chosen me to miss out, to not bless with a little bubba. I see woman and theres a bump and heres a bump. What about bump song goes on in thy head. I am so upset at and with the Lord, I feel that HE has not chosen me for motherhood for reasons that HE is not saying etc. I note that you said to meditate and think about whatever else the Lord may have for me to do and be. YES! I was created to do and be for the Lord, whatever that may be. I am so glad that someone out there can agree that being childless is a bit traumatising. I hope someone out there can resemble with at least some of what I have put. I look forward to any replies. The Lord bless you all, from: MELISSA (DOWN UNDER).
on Thursday, April 28, 2011 at 12:56 am
My husband and I have struggled with this and it is painful. I have never been pregnant. My family doesn't understand and my sister is the most insensitive of all. She actually told me to do something else with my life. She has been blessed to me a mother. That was the cruelest thing someone who claimed to love me could say.
Like many of you I believe the desire to be a mom and to have children was placed in my heart by God. He created me after all. I truly believe this because there are some women who never had a desire to have any children and they will tell you that they would have been terrible mothers.
My hurt aches and tears rolled down my face as I read these entries. Unfortunately for me, this has infertility problem has weakened my faith in God. I've done everything right, I played by the rules, treated everyone well, honored God and my parents, never got into trouble, and met all my goals in life except this one. I still believe in God, but my faith in Him unravels more each day. A friend told me a long time ago that God plays favorites. I understand that now.
I feel like I'm less of a woman, and I have difficulty relating to former friends who are in different stages of life with their families. As a best friend told me once, she said we have nothing in common anymore because she has children and I don't and it hurt.
I feel like society frowns on us especially for experiencing such sorrow for this. It seems like we are forbidden from expressing our pain and that we must carry our grief alone. It's a private pain I bear alone. Even my husband ignores me.
on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Thanks for your comment. It’s so good to hear from a sister in Christ in a different part of the world. What you said just reminds me that it doesn’t matter what nationality we are or where we live; we still experience many of the same struggles.
May God bless you as you seek to discover what He has for you. I’ll be praying for you this Mother’s Day and hope you experience His peace and comfort.
Blessings,
Mindy
on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Thank you for sharing your struggle and the sorrow you’re going through. I am so sorry for your pain. Although I would never say I understand exactly what you’re feeling, I can relate to many of the thoughts you expressed here.
I’m also sorry that you have had painful things said to you by those close to you. Unfortunately, many people don’t understand the pain of infertility and have a hard time relating. It is as you said—the grief is something that often goes unrecognized by society around us.
However, you are not alone. I hope you have seen this by the responses on this blog. I know that doesn’t necessarily help in the here and now, though, when you long to actually speak to someone who understands what you’re going through.
If you don’t know of anyone like that, then I would encourage you to check out a ministry called Stepping Stones, which offers support to those facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can check out their site here: http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/ABABCF75B84C6F0E85256D630065D9B4. It has a list of infertility support groups located in various parts of the U.S., plus an online forum where you can interact with others who understand.
But I would also strongly encourage you not to give up on God. He loves you so much and His heart hurts at the pain you’re feeling. I don’t understand why He hasn’t given you a baby or why He’s allowing you to experience this trial, but I do know He hasn’t forsaken you.
You said that you now understand that God plays favorites. Yes, God does bless some people with some things and others with different things. He also allows each of us to experience different trials. But that doesn’t make Him any less of a good and loving Father.
I would encourage you to spend some time reading the book of Job. Job was truly a man who was “blameless and upright” (Job 1:1). He did everything right and met all of his goals in life, yet everything was taken away from him. Yet that didn’t mean that God loved Job any less. God just allowed these things to happen in Job’s life.
Two of Job’s statements have become very special to me in the midst of infertility and any other trials and struggles I have gone through: "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (1:21) and "Though he [God] slay me, I will hope in him” (13:15). Although I don’t understand why God allowed me to experience infertility and the suffering that goes with it, He is still God, in control, and I can still trust and hope in Him. In fact, I can praise Him for the grace and mercy He shows me in the midst of the pain.
I don’t mean to try and make it sound like all you have to do is trust God and poof your pain is gone. Life doesn’t work that way. But the reality is that because of sin in this world, there is suffering and pain. No one is exempt. But we can choose to trust God in the midst of that and surrender our expectations, hopes, and pain to Him. It’s a moment-by-moment kind of choice, but it’s one that does bring peace.
I’ll be praying for you in this struggle.
Blessings,
Mindy
on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm
on Friday, May 6, 2011 at 2:23 am
on Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm
I can only imagine the depth of disappointment and heartache you are experiencing Kim; I’m so very sorry. Please know you are being prayed for today. “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2)”
Though there are no easy answers to the questions you have asked, Kim, you can be assured that the Lord knows the pain that you are experiencing and is intimately concerned for you. “In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9).” He longs to meet the deepest needs of your heart and to offer the comfort and healing that can only come from a personal relationship with Him. “Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him…you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. (Is. 30:18-19).”
Many of the writers of Scripture asked questions similar to yours as they observed the “unfairness” of the ungodly prospering (Jeremiah 12:1). The writer of Psalm 73 said, “When I pondered to understand this (the injustice he observed), it was troublesome in my sight until I came into the sanctuary of God.”
Only when we entrust ourselves and the circumstances of our lives into the hand of our loving and compassionate God can we know the assurance and peace that comes from knowing He is in control of all things. His love for us is beyond our comprehension and His plans for those who love Him exceed anything we could ever imagine (1 Corinthians 2:9).
I certainly don’t have all the answers, Kim, but I would count it a privilege to pray with you if you’d like to contact me by phone. You may do so through Revive Our Hearts at 1-800-569-5959.
I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you, Do not be afraid… I myself will help you, declares the LORD ( Is. 41:13-14).
God bless you, Kim.
on Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm
The part that , for me, is more painful than losing my husband is that now, the desire for children that I suppressed for years has resurfaced in a HUGE way. Yes, at age 45, I'm widowed and alone...and grieving for the family I gave up while I grieve the loss of my spouse.
I actually find myself questioning practically every choice I ever made in life. Why did I marry the man I did? Why wasn't I more vocal about my desire to be a mother? Why didn't God lead me, earlier in life, to a different husband eager for a family? Why would my desire to be a mother resurface in my grief, especially at an age when it's highly unlikely I could give birth? I feel very alone, in that I don't know anyone else who's ever been in my situation, i.e. had the desire to children resurface and strengthen in the face of a spouse's death.
Some would say that maybe my calling is to be a foster parent, or to go into children's ministry. But I don't feel led to do either...I'm holding out a small shred of hope that eventually God will somehow make me a mother to a child of my very own. Not to discount my husband's memory, but I hope to remarry and, yes, even try to have a miracle baby at my age...but I don't see remarriage as a given, and a natural pregnancy would be all but impossible. I know that with God all things are possible, but then again, I have to be realistic. So, the path I'm going down now seems to lead to single-parent adoption, which will be difficult and expensive. It's also heartbreaking, because when I was younger, I hoped to bring children into a loving two-parent family. I also wanted my own lineage to be passed on...and truthfully, still do.
I suppose the question that's on my mind is this: Why would God renew the desire, or perhaps even calling, to motherhood so late in my life - when it will require so much more thought, planning, and financial resources - rather than simply allowing me, much earlier in life, to marry a man eager for children and have a baby (or babies) - as I once naively thought would just happen in the natural course of life? Why now, when the path to motherhood has so many more hurdles, and likely won't involve children that are genetically mine, as I originally longed for?
on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 2:04 am
You do indeed have a difficult set of circumstances to work through—grieving the loss of your husband and grieving the absence of children at the same time. My heart goes out to you as I read your post.
There are many things we could deal with from your post, but I’m not sure it would help you now. If we could sit face-to-face and talk through these things, perhaps God would give us words to say to bring some resolution to them. But, as we all know, we are not able to fix the past or change it, or even make decisions that reshape the past. Healing and freedom from the pain will come from trusting God—trusting the past into His hands, and looking toward the future with a deepening love relationship with Him—and a commitment to follow Him.
When you ask why would God “renew” the desire to have children at this time, perhaps one consideration would be that He is not “renewing”, but that you are now dealing with suppressing the desire for children over these years. In dealing with it and bringing it before the Lord, may you find peace and grace and freedom from the hurt and disappointment.
I would encourage you, Martha, to take some time (extended time) before the Lord and pour your heart out to Him. (Ps. 62:8) Tell Him all of your disappointments of the past. Take responsibility for any ways you may have thwarted His hand by your decisions, and ask Him to bring grace to bear so that you can release the past. Tell Him how you wish life had turned out for you and what your dreams were.
Then, make sure you take the time to sit and listen after you have poured your heart out to Him. Give Him opportunity to speak back to you and impart His wisdom to you and minister grace to you.
Pray the Scriptures to Him, (Psalm 68:5; 146:9; Prov. 15:25; Isaiah 54:5) asking Him to indeed be a husband to you and guide you with grace and truth. Lay down your “dreams and desires” and allow Him to use your sufferings to prepare an eternal weight of glory for you (2 Cor. 4:16-18). Let Him birth any new dreams and desires in you. In humility, surrender your heart to Him and seek His glory not your own desires.
Yours is not an easy road to walk in these days, Martha. I am so sorry. Be assured we care and we consider it a privilege to pray for you, and seek the Lord on your behalf that He will walk closely with you in these days as you call on Him: And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10
God bless you, Martha.
on Friday, June 3, 2011 at 11:19 am
(GW)Jer 29:11 I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.
That's the God of Love, Mercy, Grace........and forgiveness giving me a furture filled with hope.
on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Isa 40:31 But those who trust in the LORD for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak
on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 9:26 pm
on Monday, August 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Have great weekend.
on Friday, September 16, 2011 at 10:17 am
I would firstly like to say although I am not religeous I respect all people and their beliefs, I found this page so helpful so thank you.
Myself and my husband have been trying for a baby for almost 6 years now. I married young (at 19) and I am now almost 25 so age is not an issue for my infertility. Almost all of my friends and family members are now pregnant or becoming a father. One friend has had 4 children in the time we have been trying. It is heartbreaking and every day is a struggle that noone I know could possibly understand. I talk to my husband, Mum and my 2 close friends. Though all are very supportive my Mum and Husband dont seem to like talking about it and get upset and my 2 close friends both recently gave birth to their second child so i find I cant talk to them about my problems whilst they are so happy and enjoying their new additions so much.
I would like to give some comfort to those scared of going to the doctors. I too was scared but I first went 3 years ago and have been going regularly since and I still havent been told the dreaded words that "I cant have children". Tthey must do many tests first before they can conclude that.
My husband is fine and it is me with the infertility problem but although he is desperate for children he has been incredible and stuck by me. He hates it when I say its me and not him as he says we are in it together. Im very lucky to have him. The doctors and specialists can not find anything wrong with me so its just one of those things.
2 months ago I finally realised I was pregnant for the first time - I cant even begin to describe my joy and happiness as I am sure you can imagine but unfortunately a few weeks later I had a miscarriage after 5 years of trying.
Now I have a whole new set of emotions running around my head.
Most are the same as before with a few additions. I go through different phases:
Why me?
Jealousy.
Hatred.
Self Pity.
Wanting to leave (free) my husband so he can have children with someone else.
Running away.
Cutting all friends with children out of my life.
Maybe I was given this challenge in life as maybe I can cope with it more then others.
Maybe I was given this problem in order to help others.
Im being punished for something.
Blaming others.
I could go on but I hate myself for feeling many of these. Unfortunately we cant control what goes on in our minds but I drive myself crazy. Firstly im upset about something and then im upset with myself for feeling this way - for example jealousy as in general im not a jealous person at all. So I make myself mad for feeling jealousy!
I refuse to go to the doctors for any emotional help but today I have finally given in and "googled" others with similar problems as I feel so lonely, That is where I came accross all your stories which have helped enormously.
Im sorry I have written my life story but even if noone reads - it feels so good to get it off my chest.
Thank you everyone for sharing and listening and I wish everyone all the best.
on Wednesday, September 28, 2011 at 5:12 am
on Monday, October 3, 2011 at 4:25 am
First off, I just want to say how thankful I am that you were led to this site. I don’t believe it was by accident that you got here.
I also want to tell you how sorry I am about your miscarriage. I can’t even imagine the sorrow you’re feeling right now as you mourn the loss of your baby.
All of the emotions that you describe are pretty normal for someone dealing with this issue, whether they’re religious or not. I think I felt almost everything on your list at one time or another, and I am a Christian. What helped me in dealing with those thoughts and the rollercoaster of emotions, however, was my faith in Christ.
I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but may I suggest two things that I hope will bring you comfort and peace? First, if you have access to a Bible, read the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament. (If you don’t have a Bible, you can read them online here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+1&version=NIV1984)
One of the wonderful things about the Psalms is that they are so honest. You see real, hurting people in them who are asking a lot of the same questions that you mentioned. Why me? Jealousy. Self-pity. Loneliness. I often think of the Psalms as someone’s heart-cry to God. And the amazing thing is, we often get to see how that person found comfort, help, or had their perspective changed—and why. I really, really hope you’ll try this. For me, there were so many days when I just didn’t know where to turn, when I felt like the hurt of not having children was too much, and I opened the Psalms and found something that helped.
My second suggestion to you is to pray. Again, I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but you also said sometimes you wonder if you “were given” this challenge to help others or because you’re better able to handle it. That makes me think that perhaps you believe that someone or something is out there to “give it to you.” I believe that someone is God, and He would so love it if you would try talking to Him.
You could even start, “God, I’m not really sure if you’re out there, but if you are, I have some things I want to tell you . . .” And then just honestly tell Him about what you’re feeling. Then you could say something like, “So if you’re listening, would you please show me somehow?” And then look for an answer. It might not be what you expect—it could just be a feeling inside or possibly some words out of one of the Psalms you just read. And it might not be immediate. But if you honestly ask God, He will answer. The Bible tells us that Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7). And in another place, Jesus also said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
I hope you can find that rest. I’m praying for you.
Sincerely,
Mindy
on Monday, October 10, 2011 at 8:22 am
I have to say i am filled with tremedous emption right now after reading your stories. My story is a bit different. I am not infertile, however I will never be able to have my own children because I had an emergency hysterectomy at age 36. I am unmarried, and batteled with immense pain due to fibrioids for over 5 yrs before my emergency surgery.I avoided having surgery in hopes somehow i could have child, and it never happened. i had to have the surgery to spare my life as i was bleeding internally and told i had only 2 hrs to live prior to the surgery, so i had no time to think. After the surgery I felt so many different emotions but the one that has remained is tremendous hurt. I felt that God abadnoned me and was punishing me. I tried to focus on the fact that God spared my life and i am alive today because of the surgery, but i can't help how I feel. I have always wanted a family as my own growing up was broken. I have been struggling with my faith for so long. i am not only childless with no husband, i also had to endure a sexually abusive childhood from my father, cousins (male and female) and family friends. i cannot explain my relationship with God. I have gone trhough so much in 37 years that having a child was the last bit of hope i held onto and now it is gone. I need so much help. I feel the same things you ladies do of crying when i see other women with their children, or familes, when friends tell me they are getting married, etc. I feel jealousy, hate, rage, anger, hurt, pain, dissapointment. I thought about single parent adoption but am finaciall strapped and cannot afford it. I am to the point where i don't understand why i am here on earth. I feel i was placed here to suffer. I cry and cry all the time. I am trying to hold on to what little bit of religion and faith i have left (was raised by a christian mother and grandmother). Please someone, i am at my wits end.
on Saturday, October 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm
My heart goes out to you as I read your post. You have truly suffered in this life. I am so sorry. But, I do want you to know that it is in Christ where your hope and peace will be found. Do you have a church? Do you have a strong evangelical church in your area where you can find someone to walk through your grief and pain with you?
The writer of this post answered a girl just the other day, and I thought what she said was so good and helpful. I am going to copy it below because it says just what someone needs when they have been hurt so. I pray it will be an answer for you, too. There are a few things that won’t speak exactly to you, but the help will be made to order for you. Here is her wise counsel:
All of the emotions that you describe are pretty normal for someone dealing with this issue, whether they’re religious or not. I think I felt almost everything on your list at one time or another, and I am a Christian. What helped me in dealing with those thoughts and the rollercoaster of emotions, however, was my faith in Christ.
I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but may I suggest two things that I hope will bring you comfort and peace? First, if you have access to a Bible, read the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament. (If you don’t have a Bible, you can read them online here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+1&version=NIV1984)
One of the wonderful things about the Psalms is that they are so honest. You see real, hurting people in them who are asking a lot of the same questions that you mentioned. Why me? Jealousy. Self-pity. Loneliness. I often think of the Psalms as someone’s heart-cry to God. And the amazing thing is, we often get to see how that person found comfort, help, or had their perspective changed—and why. I really, really hope you’ll try this. For me, there were so many days when I just didn’t know where to turn, when I felt like the hurt of not having children was too much, and I opened the Psalms and found something that helped.
My second suggestion to you is to pray. Again, I know you described yourself as “not religious,” but you also said sometimes you wonder if you “were given” this challenge to help others or because you’re better able to handle it. That makes me think that perhaps you believe that someone or something is out there to “give it to you.” I believe that someone is God, and He would so love it if you would try talking to Him.
You could even start, “God, I’m not really sure if you’re out there, but if you are, I have some things I want to tell you . . .” And then just honestly tell Him about what you’re feeling. Then you could say something like, “So if you’re listening, would you please show me somehow?” And then look for an answer. It might not be what you expect—it could just be a feeling inside or possibly some words out of one of the Psalms you just read. And it might not be immediate. But if you honestly ask God, He will answer. The Bible tells us that Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7). And in another place, Jesus also said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
Very Hurt, know that we care, and we have taken time to pray for you. How I pray God will meet you in your need—and will answer in ways that you cannot imagine (Eph. 3:20).
Love and Blessings in Christ...
on Monday, October 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm
on Thursday, November 24, 2011 at 10:45 pm
on Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 12:07 am
on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 4:03 am
on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 4:18 am
GOD BLESS US ALL
on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 at 2:23 am
on Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 12:18 am
Be as it may don't let this take you further from God, take everything to Him and you will see that He is never as close than when your heart is broken. Bless!
on Monday, February 27, 2012 at 10:17 am
on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 at 4:11 am
on Wednesday, March 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Is it wrong to get fertility treatmeants? or to take medications to get pregnant?
on Friday, April 6, 2012 at 12:39 am
on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 3:20 pm
on Sunday, May 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm
on Monday, June 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm
My new husband has three children, and does not feel that he wants children. I have the HPV virus, and am afrid this will prevent me from having children. I also have never been pregnant, and am 35 and feel if my husband does decide he wants children, it will be to late or I will not be able to have children.
Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted out of life is to have children. IT seems such an easy thing for other people to acheive, Why not me?? I am sobbing now as i wrtie this. I don't blame God, and try to remember he does everything for a reason.
I love my stepchildren, but am so afraid "what if God forbid we divorce?" the closest that I have ever had to children will be gone.
Alot of people are so hateful in their words, "how come you don't have kids?" "are you every going to have kids?" "you will understand when you have kids?"
I get so angry and upset, I just try to remember that when I meet my maker, I will have all the children I never could on this earth.
on Wednesday, December 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm
Know we have paused to pray for you this day, that the Savior, Immanuel--God With Us, will be exactly that in your heart this day and tomorrow as you celebrate His birth. My thoughts are with you.
on Monday, December 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Nothing is too had for the Lord.
on Monday, February 11, 2013 at 8:14 am
My heart grieves with you tonight, precious friend. Know you are being lifted before the Throne of Grace. Indeed, nothing is too difficult for our God. May the Lord’s presence and peace minster to your heart tonight.
"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief (Ps. 31:9)."
on Wednesday, February 13, 2013 at 6:57 pm
Thank you so much for all your supportive words.
We were recently told we cannot have children...My husband doesn't believe in God. He is trying to persuade me to go for in vitro. He is saying that God wants everyone to have children and this is just another way. I am really struggling, I feel like I can't stop crying. I have always accepted Gods will, always believed that he knows what's best for me. I think this is some kind of his plan to make my husband believe in God...but he is far from it. He hates Church, priests. He cannot understand why I listen to people=priests who have no idea what we are going through...
I am so alone ...I pray to God, I try to understand ...
on Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 3:57 pm
My heart goes out to hear of the pain you are carrying, my friend! I want to assure you that although you feel all alone, you are not. Christ is right there with you, hurting with you, weeping with you. He says “I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Josh. 1:9)” And that assures me that He is with you. He sees your tears are precious to him and collects them in a bottle (Ps. 56:8).
I encourage you to find an older godly woman who you can share your heart with – someone who will meet with you, pray with you, support and encourage you through this time. If you don’t know of one, perhaps your priest could suggest someone that would be available to you. It would be so helpful for you to have another woman to share with.
Spending time in God's Word, especially in the Psalms will bring strength to your heart. I also encourage you to pray for your husband and ask God to lead him in the way you should follow through your infertility. Even though your husband may not believe in God, that does not limit God’s ability to lead and direct your family through him. So pray each and every day that God would lead your husband in the way God would have you to go. Then commit to follow your husband through this time.
I don’ t know what God has planned for you, my friend, whether to give you children through in vitro, through adoption, through loving on kids in your neighborhood, through volunteering at a child care facility, but I pray that God will help you to surrender your hopes and dreams to Him and that He will grow you in your faith during this difficult trial in your life. May God do more than you could ever imagine in the days ahead (Eph. 3:20).
Blessings to you, my friend.
on Wednesday, March 6, 2013 at 4:51 pm
on Thursday, March 21, 2013 at 3:53 am
I am praying for you in this time of heartache:
“Heavenly Father, our hearts ache for Erika and her husband as we read her post. The pain she bears at this time is ‘unbearable.’ Would You, Lord, engulf her with Your presence. In Your presence there is peace, there is hope, there is rest. Be near to them. And Lord, we don’t forget to pray the desires of Erika’s heart. Would You be so pleased to bless them with a child? We entrust them into Your hand and pray Your grace and peace with be evident in their hearts and minds. Please show them Your hand of strength this day. Give them direction for the days ahead. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
With love and care for you, Erika. Blessings.
on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 11:51 am
on Sunday, April 28, 2013 at 10:54 pm
My heart breaks knowing you have suffered so, dear friend; I’m sorry for your pain. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me (Ps.109:22).
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18). Our Heavenly Father knows intimately every tear you have shed, Carolyn. His heart too grieves over the heartache sin brings into our lives. He has not abandon you in this journey. In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9). NLT
The seeds of hurt and bitterness in our hearts can, at times, be difficult to discern but they are as acid to our souls hindering the free flow of God’s grace that we so desperately need in order to bear the suffering of this fallen world.
There are no easy answers to the trials you have described, Carolyn, but because we serve a Savior who is well acquainted with our grief there is great hope! Would you be willing to work through Nancy’s book Seeking Him? I know it would be such a source of encouragement and help to you in discovering God in the midst of your circumstances. If you’re interested, you may contact me at info@reviveourhearts.com and I’ll be happy to provide you with a copy of that resource.
Thank you for posting, dear friend. You’ve been lifted before the Throne of Grace today. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life (Ps. 119:50).
Grace and peace,
Carrie
P.S. If you get a chance check out this post, “When Mother’s Day Isn’t a Celebration” (http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2080).
on Thursday, May 2, 2013 at 10:55 am
on Friday, May 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm
Thanks so much for your response. I just sent you an email reply.
Grace and peace,
Carrie
on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 at 11:10 am
on Friday, May 10, 2013 at 6:40 pm