that road, too. I've had my times of sobbing in private after a friend tells me she's expecting. Ranting at God it's unfair that I can't have a child when there are all sorts of people who don't even care about Him who seem to have no problem at all. Those painful Mother's Day church services as I watched all the beaming mothers stand up around me and knew it was a club I was not a member of.But I'm not writing this post to tell you how painful infertility can be. You already know that. Instead, I want to share some ways to cope and ways God used this suffering in my life to shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be.
Find someone to talk to.
As you see babies, babies, and more babies around you, it's hard to imagine anyone can even relate to what you're going through. Yes, your spouse can. And you should talk with him about it. But I found many times my husband needed a break from all the "why can't we have a baby" talk. Plus, I think another woman better understands how your identity as a woman can feel so tied to the ability to bear children.
But before you seek someone out, I would strongly encourage you to first ask God who it should be. Ask Him to show you someone who is sensitive enough to really listen and mature enough in their faith to help you see Him through your pain and slowly move beyond it.
Eventually, I found some mature Christian friends whom I could talk to amidst my struggle—some of whom had experienced similar things and others who had several children. Something that was extremely helpful was a Bible study/support group I formed with another woman from my church. Getting together with other women in similar situations, sharing our struggles, and studying God's Word with the purpose of spiritual growth was a tremendous time of healing.
Don't neglect time in God's Word.
As you long for a child, it's easy to start to blame God. He's the Creator of life, after all, so why doesn't He create a life within me?
Even if you feel this way, don't stop spending time with Him through reading His Word and prayer. Tell Him how you're feeling. He can take it, and best of all, He understands. Search the Bible for words of comfort (the Psalms is the place where I often went), for wisdom, for understanding, for faith to trust Him.
Different women need to learn different things through their infertility journey. Maybe it's understanding the character of God—that He never changes, that He's good no matter what. Maybe, like me, you need to understand that God's gift of children is not about whether you deserve it or not. That God gives different blessings to different people, and that I wasn't able to enjoy the blessings He had given me because I was too consumed with looking at the blessing of children in other people's lives and thinking, Now why didn't He give me that?
I think Jesus outlines that principle for us in the parable of the workers in Matthew 20:1–16. God does with His favor what He pleases. It's not about who we think deserves it or what we think is fair. As my pastor has said, "The distribution of God's favor depends completely on His sovereign grace and does not conform to human expectations or norms."
Get your focus off yourself.
One pitfall of infertility (and any form of suffering for that matter) that I fell into was focusing on myself and my own pain. All I could think about was my struggle, my hurt, my problem. But God led me out of that narrow viewpoint to remind me every single person here on earth has some sort of pain or suffering they've gone through, are going through, or will go through in the future. In fact, my infertility now seems like a small thing compared to the illnesses, injuries, emotional pain, etc., that others I know have experienced.
By taking my focus off myself, I was also able to see the ways God had blessed me and to be grateful to Him. Eventually, I was also able to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18), even the circumstance of infertility. I wasn't necessarily thankful for my infertility, but I was thankful God was walking beside me through all the ups and downs and for how He changed me in the process. And as I've shared my story with others, I've been thankful for some strengthened family relationships and opportunities to encourage other women who are going through the same struggles.
Surrender your desires to God.
Probably the most important thing you can do in the midst of infertility is to surrender your hopes, your desires, and your future to God. That's easier said than done, I know. I clenched my fingers around wanting to have a child for a very long time. Then one day, I heard a sermon that I knew God meant just for me (at least it seemed that way). The pastor examined the story of Abraham in Genesis 22, when God asked him to sacrifice that long-awaited gift of a son. As the pastor delved into the Scripture, he challenged the congregation to examine our own hearts and identify "our Isaac." What was it that we loved more than anything else? Were we willing to put that on the altar and say, "God, if you want it, you can have it?"
I left that morning in tears, knowing my desire for children was number one in my life—not my relationship with God. I knew that surrendering this desire didn't mean God would automatically cause me to get pregnant (which He didn't) or that the struggle would completely go away (it didn't either). But what I did find was peace—the peace of knowing God was in control of my life no matter what He did or did not bless me with. In fact, I was able to echo the words of David in Psalm 16: "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance (vv. 5–6).
Maybe my cup wasn't filled with what I wanted or the boundary lines hadn't fallen exactly as I planned, but they were assigned to me by the Creator of the universe, the most powerful God, the One who loves me and gave His life for me.
Maybe you're struggling with this issue today or maybe you're not. No matter what you're going through, ask yourself: What's your Isaac? What is God asking you to surrender to Him today?
Comments
*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
I recognize God is the perfect Father and has my best interest in mind, so even though I am not getting what I desire right now I am trusting that God's plans for me are "for good and not for evil" and therefore have found I can rest secure in my Father's competent hands and have peace during an otherwise trying time.
Psalm 16:5-6 are a great reminder for me today that He has given me so much more than I deserve.
The inheritance of the saints, regardless of what blessings we enjoy here on earth, is the only thing of any true and lasting value! I am so blessed!
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 11:40 am
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 3:08 pm
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I've been married three years. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for most of our marriage and haven't been able to. I haven't gone to my doctor to get any exams or anything done, but I'm terribly afraid that he'll tell us we can't have children. I don't think I've been this scared in a long time. I really wish to hear that we can have kids but for some reason I feel like we won't. God's been opening my heart up to the idea of adoption and I think I'm being slowly prepared to hear the news I'd never imagined I'd have to hear, but I still feel so scared.
I know I rambled, but thank you for listening/reading.
on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Your counsel is good for all seasons of life. Like you said, its learning to daily lay down our Isaacs. I hold onto the promise in Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."
Learning to be thankful for the GOOD the Lord has already provided.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 6:23 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:09 am
Every time God says "No." It is for a very good reason and we need to submit to His Wisdom even though we may think it painful. It is after all, All for His Glory and His purpose and it is about Him and not us.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:25 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:27 am
I married a man with children. I helped him raise his 2 teens and then a precious granddaughter whom I had the privilege of taking care of while her mommie worked. They lived with us for awhile, so I had her 24/7 when I was not on business trips. She now has an energetic son who is in K this year.
I have also had the privilege to work with children in church in VBS and choir. I sub in the public school system and love being with the children.
One of my passengers told me one time that she and her husband had fostered a large # of children, and that many still kept in touch. She told me that God makes 2 kinds of trees: Fruit trees and Shade trees, and that she and I are shade trees. That helped me so very much as I struggled to accept my barrenness.
My husband didn't really want any more children as he already had a girl and a boy. However, after he saw me w/our granddaughter he told me if he had known how good I was w/children we could have tried harder. I struggled with that comment for a long time. I was angry with him. I had to come to God and seek His forgiveness. He showed me that ultimately, He is in control. If God had wanted me to become pg, I would have.
God does give us the desires of our hearts, but not always in the way we think they should be given. I have great joy in the children He has allowed into my life. I agree with the lady that said that those of us who are barren have opportunities to minister in other ways.
Thank you for teaching me that my main focus should be on God and not on what I have or don't have. In this season of life, I am surrounded with clutter and am trying to find ways to give things away. As I pray over this, God brings to mind someone who needs what I have, and I am learning to release not only my desires to Him but also my possessions so that I can be free to fill my life with Him.
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 9:29 am
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
Thanks for sharing about your struggle with infertility. I want to extend my congratulations on the miracle that you are expecting in May. I pray for the safe arrival of this little one and that God would flood you with peace during this waiting time.
In Christ,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:34 am
I so appreciate your vulnerability in what you shared. I remember feeling the same fear that you describe--what if my doctor says I can’t have children? How can I ever get through that?
I pray that God would give you peace about that area of your life and help you surrender those desires to Him. And if He is leading you toward adoption, I pray that He will give you and your husband wisdom and direction in that process. My husband and I did adopt a little boy two years ago, and he brings us such joy. I can’t say that adoption completely erases the pain of infertility. But what we had longed for was to parent a child, and God has given us that gift. Plus, we have a new appreciation for God’s grace and mercy.
In Christ,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:35 am
Thank you for your honesty in your comment. My heart goes out to you in your struggle.
It wasn’t my intent for the article to focus just on those who have miscarried, but for all who have struggled with infertility, particularly as I have never had a miscarriage. My heart hurts for those women I know who have undergone this suffering. It’s not something I can completely understand. But I also know that for those who have never been able to get pregnant, we experience a different kind of grief.
I also wanted to respond to the male aspect of infertility opposed to the female. Just as our identity as women can sometimes be tied up to the ability to bear children, men also struggle with that, but in a different way. I know some women who have been in the exact situation that you are, and I would say the best thing you can do is pray for your husband. For us women, it helps to find another woman to talk about these things. But men don’t seek out that same kind of help, particularly when it comes to this issue. I know my friend’s husband struggled with feeling like he was less of a man and that he wouldn’t be able to continue his family line. So pray, pray, and pray some more for your husband, that God would help him to see God’s truth in this matter and not Satan’s lies, that God would help him to come to a place of peace and acceptance and surrender this “Isaac” or any others that he’s holding on to.
One other thing that I would suggest is that when it comes to infertility, it’s important not to think of it as “your husband’s problem” or “my problem.” You are a couple. In fact, Genesis 2:24 says that as husband and wife, you are “one flesh.” You are in this together. Infertility is something that both of you have to deal with.
Praying for you,
Mindy
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 11:42 am
I can relate too to crying everytime I hear someone else is expecting. It's so nice to hear I'm not alone...not that I want anyone else to go through this, but you know what I mean.
God is so good and I have so many blessings in my life! I love that my husband and I have so much time to ourselves to enjoy each others company. God has blessed us in so many ways! I do know God has planned our life from before the creation of the world and He knows what He's doing. It's just hard to trust at times. But in the end we will see why God has brought us through this difficult time and be able to thank Him for it.
I'll pray for each person who can relate to this blog and may the Lord bless each of us in His perfect timing w/ perfect gifts that only He can give!
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't both of our 'problems'. I never ever tell people "he is infertile", I always make a point to say "we are infertile", but from a private stand point, I struggle to know how to approach the subject and look for answers but mostly those that I find just address the woman's aspect of a "closed womb". And I think to myself, "My womb isn't closed, it's open!" So I guess that my point was that there is a struggle other than that of just the woman, that even though it is "we" that are infertile in a relationship, it isn't ALWAYS the woman struggling with the inability to have a child. The struggle is maybe that she CAN have a child, but is unable to because of circumstances not having to do with her body. And that she has to be the one to reassure her husband when he is the one feeling guilty over not providing.
Thanks for your responses!
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 1:11 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:48 pm
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 4:04 pm
http://pastorway.blogspot.com/2007/01/gods-providential-exception-barren-womb.html
http://pastorway.blogspot.com/2007/01/gods-providential-exception-barren-womb_12.html
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=10200543618
on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 1:38 am
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 11:13 am
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:23 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm
on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm
My monthly periods stopped in 1998 when I was 20 y.o. and was eventually declared to have secondary ovarian failure, read menopausal at 20! God has been gracious and I got married to a loving man 4 years ago to whom I disclosed my situation in advance. I believe it is important, if you already know you have a problem, to disclose prior to marriage. We were able to talk about options and are in the process of adoption.
The Lord continues to wipe away our tears and we've submitted ourselves to His will and purpose for our lives. Really that's all that matters: that we serve God's purpose in our generation!
on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 12:29 am
We've been married for a little over 8 years now, and our home is still childless. It's so very hard, and part of me wants to keep scouring the internet looking for that one article that will contain THE secret to getting me pregnant...all the while knowing that even if my body worked perfectly and I was as fertile as Michelle Duggar, I'd still only get pregnant if God ordained it and allowed it.
So now, in the meantime, I'm working on selflessness toward the young mothers we serve at church (my husband is a pastor), and in spending time with my mom, whose greatest joy - being grandmother to my brother's kids - results in some horribly insensitive comments. Because I've tried to share some of the grief with her, she thinks she understands. She so does not. So I can second the advice in the post to be careful who you talk to.
I'd like to get someone's take on this concept, though: Is it wrong to NOT pursue adoption? There are some women around me who think that because I can't get pregnant that it's my duty (with my husband) to adopt. But can we decide to remain a family of two and serve the Lord full-time, and STILL be Godly? Or is it "required" (for lack of a better term) that, as Christians who delight (most of the time) to follow the Lord, we reproduce through children in our home?
on Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I can relate to what Mindy shared about putting her dream of having a baby above her relationship with God.
I am a single mom by an unplanned divorce and find myself struggling with the same things many times; looking around at all the other "families" and wishing God would fufill my dreams for a husband and more children.
God has NOT allowed that to happen and is teaching me this one truth: ONLY HE can satisfy that place in my heart that I would like to fill with "family dreams" God IS and has always been, my source of all things. Nothing will satisfy our hearts like Him! We have to get this!
So now, I am changing my focus to seek God for that fufillment instead of seeking God for my other desires and dreams. I am looking forward to such freedom and peace!!!
Thank you for sharing, Mindy....
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 5:53 am
Are we the same person:)? My husband is a pastor, and we have been married a little over 8 years. We are at the end of our fertility treatments. I have been praying about adoption and feeling the pressure from others.
I have started a ministry for the discipleship of young women within the past year and a half. We are pouring out into college students and young adults consistently. I know I would not have the extent of this privilege if we had children (even though I really want them).
A few weeks ago, I came to a point of surrender with God--whatever He has is best--that my reward is not here on this earth--this is not my home. I guess I gave up my Isaac. I have NO idea what He will bring, but I rest in Him.
The comment earlier about being "shade trees" touched my heart to the core. I wept. That is what God has been using us as--shade. I just wonder if that is our portion in this life or if we must adopt? I still have some grieving to do before the decision is made.
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 10:42 am
It always amazes me how God can link people together with similar stories. Surrendering this "Isaac" continues to be a daily laying-down for me. God has been teaching me recently that grief and contentment aren't mutually exclusive. In my teaching, I'm KNOW they aren't, but in practice, as the grief grew stronger, I started thinking I was failing God or something, like my tears indicated a heart not at rest. I no longer think that's the case, but I still have a hard time grieving. I wonder if that's why the adoption decision is a hard one to make.
As I was talking through some of this with my husband last night, he mentioned the promise that the Father will make (is making) all things new. He wondered aloud if this is one of those things God will somehow "make right" for me, at the end of all things. Lines up with what the Father taught you about this not being our home. A thought for me to ponder. I can't remember who said it, but someone has said that what God has ordained for our lives is exactly what we would choose if we knew what He knows.
"Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.
"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'...LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
"I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices...because You will not abandon me... You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."
(Psalm 16, NIV)
on Monday, October 26, 2009 at 11:19 am
Thanks everyone for their comments and perspectives. Very much appreciated. Wish we could all get together for lunch : )
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 11:08 am
The decision that God doesn't want to give is really hard to live with. I take comfort that his wisdom and love is forever abounding and never faltering.
Blessed be the name of the Lord... our lives are in his hands.
We can't stand still and must take short steps forward even if it's with tears.
Love in Christ,
Andy
on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 4:35 am
on Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 8:47 am
on Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm
The Struggle is Over. Thank you Jesus
on Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 11:29 pm
on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 5:11 pm
i am writing in reference to comments made by BMS.
BMS - I am in the same position as you. I do not follow this faith but belong to another religion.
Anyway i too beleive in a God and pray he will heal the sadness that women such as we have. BMS has actaully very honoustly told what she feels. and beleive me, that is what i feel too. We have to accept infertiltiy in a totally different way. Maybe only women who have this experience will undestand how hard and different this is.
on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 4:46 am
on Monday, March 1, 2010 at 11:33 pm
One comment I have for the person who wrote in about her husband being the problem... It doesn't matter if it is Your FAULT or His- you are 2 in one flesh. You have the problem together. We are going to adopt-you can both be parents that way. I heard someone say once.. in families you are born into them- with adoption you were CHOSEN- what an HONOR to be chosen.:) Your baby may not be born in your belly...but is sure was born in your heart.:)
on Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I'm so sorry 'wishing'. I feel your pain of being unable to have a baby. I too sometimes feel angry. I once looked up and shouted 'God. Why me?'. I know God is not angry with women like us. He understands us. I know the feeling we have is not the dirty/mean 'anger'. it is a helpless/innocent anger.
on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:08 am
http://azoospermia-cure.blogspot.com/
on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 4:09 am
I would love to know how other people can say that this is God's plan! I was only 22 and have had the most precious thing to a woman ripped out of me! I was bearly given enough time to think about having children let alone have them!
on Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Thank you for sharing your situation. My heart hurts for you as you’re going through this trial of infertility, not to mention being a cancer survivor at such a young age.
As for people saying this is God’s plan for you, the only thing I can say is I don’t know what God’s specific plan is for your life in regard to children. That is something only He knows. What I do know is He does have a plan. In Jeremiah 29:11, He says, “For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
While it may seem difficult right now to see much hope when your plans and dreams for the future don’t seem possible, please know that when we put our trust in Jesus Christ, there is always hope—not just in this life but eternally.
Another thing that I hope will give you some encouragement today is that God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). Throughout my own infertility journey, it was difficult to see how God could do something “more than I asked or imagined,” when what I was asking for was to be pregnant and have a baby. But He did. In our case, one way was allowing us to have a family through the adoption of a wonderful little baby boy. He’s now 2 ½ and the joy of my life. If things had worked out according to my plans and my timetable, I never would have known him let alone had him as my son.
Not being able to have children is a tough road to walk as a woman. But I would encourage you not to walk it alone. Find another Christian woman whom you can talk with. And most of all, spend time in God’s Word and talk to Him about it. Be honest with Him about your feelings—anger, depression, sadness and anything else you feel. Ask Him to help you trust Him in the situation when you don’t understand what He’s doing. One book that really helped me is called “Water From the Rock: Finding God’s Comfort in the Midst of Infertility” by Becky Garrett, Donna Gibbs, and Phyllis Rabon.
Praying for you,
Mindy
on Wednesday, March 31, 2010 at 10:50 am
on Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 3:09 pm
on Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 12:47 pm
on Friday, April 23, 2010 at 10:05 am
on Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 6:40 am
on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I’m so glad that you commented on this post and am honored that you would share your fears and struggles with us on the blog. You are a young woman who’s seeking after God—so of course you belong here!
First, I want to say that I’m very glad you told your mother and that she is having you go see a doctor. It’s important that you get medical help. Whether you have endometriosis or not, your doctor can provide treatment that can help your symptoms. It’s also important that you get treated now, as health problems that are not taken care of can actually make fertility problems worse.
I also want to tell you that even if you have endometriosis, that does not necessarily mean you can’t have children. Yes, it is often a cause for infertility, but not always. In fact, I have a friend with a severe case who is pregnant with her fourth child.
I can relate to your fears that you won’t be able to have children. I struggled with that, too. I was so afraid that I would never realize my dream of being a mother and refused to surrender that desire to God for a long time. But over time, God showed me that even if that dream didn’t come true, I could still trust Him and that He had good things planed for my life—“plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Another verse that helped me when the idea of a future with no children made me feel claustrophobic and that I would be alone forever is Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
When I surrendered my fears to the Lord, He gave me peace whether I ever became a mother or not. He did fulfill that dream—first through adoption and then through a surprise pregnancy—but even if He hadn’t, I knew it would be OK.
I don’t know what God has planned for you, Beth, but I pray that He would help you surrender your fears to Him. I hope that you can talk to your mom about these things. I would also encourage you to seek out another godly woman you could talk to—maybe your youth pastor’s wife or another older woman in your church. I would also encourage you to look up verses that talk about the character of God. A good place to start might be Isaiah 40-41, the Psalms, and the book of John. As you learn about who God is and that He never changes and can be trusted, I pray that you will find peace and rest.
May God bless you,
Mindy
on Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 10:18 pm
on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 9:59 pm