I "planned" my family before I was even married! At least four children and the first one had to be a girl! About nine months after the honeymoon, I remember being initially shocked—but later elated, as the nurse at my OB/GYN told me I was pregnant.
Immediately I went into action! First buying a darling lavender "newbie-sized" dress, little socklettes, and the cutest diaper bag ever. Of course, this was going to be a girl—that was my plan!
I'll never forget waking up to the searing pain of miscarriage in the early morning hours. I had never felt such intensity of physical pain. I slipped into the bathroom without telling my husband what was wrong—I knew there must be some mistake. I had a major discussion with God in the bathroom. In my arrogance, I demanded this baby's life be spared. That's when the collision occurred.
God so firmly, yet tenderly, reminded me, "I am the only God; there are no others. I am the one who takes life and gives it again" (Deut. 32:39).
Miscarriage. Loss. Deep pain. It would be four long years before God gave us our little girl. And another four before He brought our son. He never gave us the four children I planned.
The miscarriage was a turning point in my life. It was a time of painful loss and confusion, but it sent me to my knees and to God's Word in search of answers.
Trusting God
Many times I've been with my friend Holly Elliff when this subject is discussed. She's often asked her views on birth control and challenges women to consider why they fear trusting God with the size of their families. Most women fear they'll end up with twenty children! Using me as an example, Holly smiles and shares that both she and I have taken the same approach in trusting God with this area of our lives—but God gave her eight children and He gave me only three (two living, one in heaven).
My husband and I made the decision several years ago to release our plans to God and trust Him. Let me encourage you to research passages concerning this topic. This issue is something that couples should settle personally with God. If you and your husband are not in agreement, humbly share your thoughts, but release your husband from your personal expectations and trust God to lead him. I don't know all the reasons why He chose to limit the size of our family to this number. I don't know why some women receive a houseful. I just know His plans are good, He is God—and I'm not.
Comments
*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 9:20 am
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 9:52 am
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 10:20 am
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 10:32 am
For now however, I gently mention more children to my husband but remain obediant and submissive to him. It isn't that he is a bad person, I think he is just out for our best interest. I love him and respect his choice for our family. He is an amazing father and I am to honor his choice.
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 10:40 am
I feel unable to care for the children God has already given me during those times. The thought of caring for three children while being that extremly sick is the main reason we are thinking that we'll be done with having babies.
I'd love other peoples thoughts. At what point do you say that you raise the ones you've been given and not have more at the expence of the children you currently have?
Heather
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 10:43 am
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 12:06 pm
My husband and I decided to finish school before having children, but we became pregnant four months after our wedding. My husband was in his third year of college and our plan seemed sensible. God had different plans for us.
When our first daughter was 25 months old we had daughter number three! We were 23, and my husband was set on me having a tubal. I asked him if I could ask three older women their advice and then, whatever he decided I would do.
Each woman, our pastor's wife and two older women at church, all told us that it would be foolish in "this day and age", 1974, to have more children! The only person who advised against a tubal was my mother. I had the tubal.
In 1987 my husband asked me to forgive him and he repented of his decision before the Lord. In God's gracious plan, my husband's insurance would cover a tubal reversal 100%! So, I had the surgery. That insurance plan only lasted for 6 months, so there was a short window for this procedure to be covered. God is so precious.
I did get pregnant, then miscarried. I never felt that God owed us a child after all that we went through to have more, but I somehow thought He wouldn't take us through this without a reason. So, I had days when I wondered why we had the reversal. I don't question that any longer. God has blessed us with nine grandchildren in the last six years, and one more is on the way.
I share our walk through family planning with women the Lord brings to me, and pray for babies who have been born after parents were "finished". An eternal soul, created by God, is priceless!
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 12:50 pm
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 1:18 pm
God calls them a "blessing..."
I had 19 pregnancies. Including 12 live births...
In this world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer...I (Jesus) have overcome the world.
The most important thing is eternal life with Jesus.
One may have no babies, yet many spiritual children. 'Only one life twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last' was a phrase that Darlene who led me to The Lord shared with me.
And we are just a sinner married to a sinner- Elizabeth Elliot Gren
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I pray you will find joy in the fact that God has blessed you with five children and a husband who prays.
I encourage you to honor God by honoring your husband's decision and blessing him with your support. This is a difficult issue for couples and every situation has it's own set of complexities. That is why I said it is important for each couple to seek God for His will for their family. As you look to His Word, and His direction through prayer, trust that He will accomplish His purposes.
When our husbands come to a decision that we disagree with, after we've made a godly appeal, we must entrust the issue to God's sovereign care. By releasing this to Him, you are demonstrating trust in God rather than manipulating circumstances to fit with your plans.
May you walk in the joy of Christ's presence, trusting in His sovereign care over your situation.
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart. I understand your pain. I am thankful you are learning to walk in the joy and peace that comes with acceptance and gratitude for what God has given.
May God use you to comfort many others with the comfort that's been given to you (2 Corinthians 1:3-10).
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Thank you for your sweet testimony and demonstration of trust by honoring your husband's decision although it is less than what you now desire.
I pray God continues to restore your health and you find rich reward in the children He's blessed you with.
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm
And don't underestimate the power of prayer. At the beginning of my last pregnancy, I prayed and prayed that I would be well enough to keep going and to get everything done. I didn't want morning sickness to change anybody else's life around here. Guess what - I felt rotten for months, but I was well enough to "keep going". ha. Why don't I pray bigger??
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:19 pm
After we had four children in 6 years, we decided we wanted two more. When we were expecting number five, we quit making our plans, quit "playing God", and told Him we would have as many children as He would to give us.
God gave us a total of 10 living children in 15 years. We are so thankful for each one! They are all different and all a great blessing to us and many other people.
I still had my monthly cycle for 8 years after the 10th baby was born but never got pregnant again.
We Christians are usually willing to let God control most areas of our lives, but many of us won't let Him do the "family planning." Only He knows how many children we should have and when. He only wants the best for His children but we want to do what's "best" for ourselves! I encourage you young couples to trust God for your families. He loves you and knows what it takes to mold you and make you more like Himself - even in pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a family.
God bless you all as you seek to live for God and serve Him.
P.S. All ten of my children were delivered by C-section.
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I understand your struggle. Coming to a place of rest on this issue involves much prayer, seeking God, and looking to Him for confirmation and leadership through His Word.
I pray that you and your husband will reach of place of peace and unity, confident that God will direct you in the plans He has for you.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:23 pm
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:31 pm
It is a blessing to hear you depending on God's grace and trusting in His sovereign care in your various circumstances.
We've all been given different challenges and opportunities to glorify God by trusting Him with this area of our lives. Thank you using the difficulties He's brought you through and the lessons He's taught you to encourage others along the way.
Thank you for being True Women in my life!
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I've been encouraged from the Lord as I've read your comments on this topic. I'm a mother of 9 and my family is currently living in an area that is very liberal! As well, I face the affects of the cultures perspective on children. A perspective that sadly has infiltrated the church of Jesus Christ.
Romans 12 tells us not to be conformed to this world rather to be transformed in our thinking (we should think differently then the world thinks concerning children/family) so that we will know what is good, acceptable & perfect in God's sight. May we be women of the Word who come to it with open minds & a soft heart that's ready & willing for the Lord to shape it into His likeness. May we say, "Yes, Lord"!
What a huge encouragement for me to hear so many of you letting the Lord control your family... He is God, not us. You will be blessed for that and you will not be put to shame as you speak with your enemies in the gates (Ps. 127:5).
If you're not familiar with the book Be Fruitful & Multiply by Nancy Campbell may I encourage you to read it. I believe this godly woman has done a spectacular job in bringing to light so many Scriptures that deal with a vast range of concepts that are interwoven in this topic. Concepts beyond just God's command for us to be fruitful & multiply. Concepts like God being the God of increase/fruitfulness...so often we apply this concept to our lives spiritually but what about physically? Luke 14:23 tells us, “And the master said to the slave, ‘Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled". God wants His house to be full, therefore we should want our homes to be full as well. "Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matt. 6:10).
I think you'll be blessed by the book, I know I certainly was. Nancy helps us, as children of God, to see the BIGness of His vision.
May each of you continue to delight in living out God's will "on earth as it is in heaven"!
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 5:01 pm
on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I have often thought what it would be like to have a sweet little baby or more in our lives but can not go back to change the mistakes of the past. So, God has graciously blessed me with a ministry of loving all the babies in our church fellowship! To hold them, play with them and even have them over to babysit or visit is such a blessing to me and my family. Our 3 teenagers and my husband all love the babies!!One of them is like a daughter to me and it is so much a picture of how God so lovingly puts people in our lives to change our hearts and bless us. And then encourages us to reach out and bless others in love....He is SOOO good.
He can take any situation and fix it or mend it in a way that we do not comprehend. That's where faith and trust come in......... Thanks for this topic!
on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 8:34 am
So, now I follow and would rather let God make my choices but since my husband does not follow we aren't on the same page. I'm 37 so the window is probably near closing. Leaving it with my husband and God has been a challenge for me simply because I've always been 'greedy' with the thought of having a big family. But I must say, I'm glad I have Him to lean on, rely on and am finally in a place where I'm begining to recognize His plan is perfect, I am not.
I've taken the pressure off my husband now for three reasons, I already made my request, I'm old now and this H1N1 thing put another deterrent in my and my husbands mind.
I hope this in some way adds to the discussion. If not just to show another angle to the issue.
on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 10:23 am
I guess I grew up with concept if you have sex, you fall pregnant! How wrong could I have been?
After being married 4 years, God spoke into my heart that by using contraception I was not trusting Him or surrendering the issue of having children to Him.
I came off the pill at the start of 2006 and my cycle never returned. During that time, I conceived and miscarried. I found it hard to trust God and understand what he was doing, but found He ministered to me through the Matt Redman song 'Blessed be your Name'.
I was diagnosed with depression, but was determined to trust the Lord through this and my intimacy with him increased and he continued to speak to me and reassure me of the promises he had for me, I just had to wait.
I clung to this verse: Psalm 37:4-54 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.
A year later I conceived and was blessed with a beautiful baby boy.
We never returned to using contraception, but knew from experience that God gives life and God takes away and God opens the womb and closes the womb.
My desire for another child grew, but my cycle never returned. After much prayer, we sought medical advice and was eventually diagnosed with PCOS (Polycycstic ovaries). Knowing this helped and gave us some answers, but we know from God's word we believe in a bigger God for whom all things are possible.
8 months after being diagnosed, I am pregnant with our 2nd child. I'm still amazed and so thankful to God for hearing our prayer to give our son a brother or sister. But know there are no guarantees and try to surrender the right of this child to Him daily, remembering that each child is a gift and a blessing from the Lord and that we are their adoptive parents here are earth.
As to the future, I want to keep trusting in the Lord and keep surrendering the issue of controling how many children I have. When people ask me, how many I would like? I always answer as many as God gives. I want to live that in my actions as well as my thoughts. Even when fear or doubt creeps in.
This bible verse I have also found helpful: Psalm 16:5-7
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Looking back even though the miscarriage was hard, God has used it to show me my sinful attitudes about control and rights of having children. I'm also in a place where I have learned to trust him and walk with him through what seems the impossible. It has also given me a heart to pray for those who are struggling with infertility and I have been blessed to see God answer to so many prayers.
on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 11:52 am
I'd encourage you to browse the stories at www.startyourfamily.com, and also to start looking at the benefits of having children instead of all the negatives you listed - being the only ones with children, not having time alone, etc. My husband and I chose not to use birth control and had our first child 10 months after our wedding. Number 3 will be born about a month before our fourth anniversary. They are all blessings! I am not saying I don't struggle with many of the feelings of overwhelmed-ness and inadequacy others have already mentioned, and still have many questions about "leaving it all to God", but if you have already been married two years, I would highly encourage you not to wait any longer. I know too many heartbreaking stories of people who tried to have children in their timing and when the "right time" came according to their plan, were unable to. Russell Moore's book, Adopted for Life, is also a fantastic resource for showing us God's perspective on children and the heart we should have for children.
One more thing to consider: we are sanctified through our children - God has taught me so much about trust and obedience, and dealt with so much sin in my heart that I don't think I ever would have realized existed without it being revealed through my children. Just as I am a better woman because of my husband, I am a better woman (with a LONG way to go!) because of my precious little ones.
I hope that helps a little. :)
on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I encourage you to take advantage of resources that the ladies have mentioned here. You also might want to check out Nancy's chapter on this topic in "Lies Women Believe" (available through Revive Our Hearts).
You can also check out the radio program where Nancy interviewed Holly Elliff: "Embracing God's Gift of Children" by going to this link:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9952
Reading resources and receiving godly counsel can be helpful, but this is not really a "decision" to be made, rather it is an opportunity for you (with your husband) to search the Scriptures together, talk and pray with one another and allow God to lead you to a united place of conviction on this matter.
The questions you raise may seem important now, but I encourage you to lay those aside and go to God with an open heart and teachable spirit. Ask Him to reveal to you and your husband what His will and desire is for you.
I pray the Lord will give you wisdom, insight and the knowledge of His will.
on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 9:37 pm
on Friday, October 30, 2009 at 11:33 am
I can't believe I neglected to direct you to one more excellent resource -- my friend Holly Elliff has written an excellent booklet on this topic:
"Turning the Tide: Having More Children Who Follow Christ!"
You can order it through Revive Our Hearts.
Thank you all for sharing on this topic -- it's been a blessing!
on Friday, October 30, 2009 at 2:11 pm
As a young woman, I was never going to get married nor have children. Today I have been happily married for 25 years and am a mother of 6 ages 5-23 years! I am still somewhat amazed at how God has change me (and He still has a lot of changing to do).
During my first year of marriage, I came to know the Lord. Two years later, our oldest son was born. We then began planning our family. After 3, I thought all my patience was gone. After 4, we agreed and my husband had a vasectomy; let me just say, his recovery was unusuallly difficult. A few years later the Lord began laying on my heart that perhaps that had not been the best way to go. However, I was hesitant to approach my husband since he had had a bad experience. The Lord also put us in contact with some people who had had successful vasectomy reversals. I prayed that the Lord would speak to my husband without me. He did. I cannot say how shocked I was when my husband came to me and said He felt the Lord wanted us to trust Him with the size of our family! A few months later, he had a reversal. The following month I was pregnant. We had 2 miscarriages and one more baby after that. We often say what a blessing these last to are and what would we do without them in our family; the older children agree:)
There have been many circumstances, not always easy ones, in which the Lord has used our step/stumble of faith to grow our love for Him.
To Him be the glory!
Kim
on Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 8:08 am
on Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 10:57 am
We were surprised, and now delighted, that our youngest came to us sporting an extra chromosome, also called Down syndrome! He is our joy and a delight to his siblings. I feel done birthing children, but only the Lord knows for sure. It is my desire to internationally adopt one of the beautiful waiting angels with Down syndrome in Eastern Europe. My wonderful husband almost has a seizure when he sees the price tag of that venture, so the Lord still has some work to do before that will become a reality. But He is sovereign and desires free reign in our hearts, minds, and even wombs. Trust Him!
on Saturday, October 31, 2009 at 4:18 pm
on Monday, November 2, 2009 at 8:04 pm
We were pursuing adoption with an agency and then got a surprise gift right before Christmas—we were pregnant! We were overjoyed at the miracle God had done in our lives. Several weeks later, I began to face some difficulties with my pregnancy. Those difficulties allowed us to see that we needed a new doctor. God brought about a series of things and led us to a new doctor who we feel is exactly the one He wants taking care of us even for the future. The difficulties also allowed us to see our baby and hear her precious heartbeat 3 times with ultrasounds.
This past Saturday morning, I awoke in the early morning hours as well with pain and fear. My husband and I had been praying for our baby and voicing that she was the Lord's and not ours. But, now we were faced to truly believe and live what we had said. Our little one went home to be with her Father on Saturday. I know that she is safe now in His arms, but I now long for heaven in a new way. I appreciate your sharing your stories and the encouragement that it is. I can confidently say I am a mom—I have a child who although couldn't survive in this life, is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is in His presence, basking in His glory. I can't wait to worship Him with her some day.
Thank you for your tenderness and your prayers for me and my husband. I ask that you would continue to pray for us and the plan that He HAS for our lives. God bless you!
on Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I grieve with you for your painful loss, but I rejoice in observing your heart of surrender and trust. This week our church family has been faced with this, once again, as one of our dear young women has lost her baby to miscarriage.
My prayers for that dear couple, as well as for you and your husband, is found in 2 Corinthians 1:
"Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
Your testimony, recorded here, of His faithfulness and your confidence in Him, will serve as an encouragement to others who will walk this same painful path. I pray God continues to use this loss in your life, to conform you more to the image of Christ, and to use you in comforting others in their affliction.
Bless you dear sister, I look forward to being with you and the ladies of your church at the retreat in March. I am praying for you.
May His goodness be displayed through us in order that others may know Him!
on Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm
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on Friday, August 13, 2010 at 12:09 pm